This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Barreling Through Christmas With Determination and Valium

So far, I haven't allowed my depression from not having Mom around get to me this year.  It's been 6 years since she's been gone and she was truly the glue, along with my grandpa, holding the family together.  Now the family is fragmented.  One won't attend a Christmas gathering because so and so will be there and another will make it impossible to reach because they don't care about getting together for one reason or another and on and on it goes.

You would think everyone could put aside their differences and petty hates to get along but nah... no such luck.

Still, I'm barreling through the four and possibly five different family Christmas gatherings that I have attended and possibly will attend- that is determined if we can ever reach him.  One of these gatherings is coming up Christmas day.  Unfortunately, we're hosting it.  It is exhausting so far, with the house cleaning part, decorating windows, food preparation and so on.  Nope, not my idea.  I'm doing all of this strictly for my significant other.

She deserves it, wants it and it will make her happy as long as I don't lose my temper, become frustrated and stick the tree up somebody's ass, completely obliterating their colon.  That last part, knowing the in-laws, could happen.  I can count on them to make things even more difficult and convoluted than they need to be.  An old story.

This never worked for me.  Not even with that toothless meth addicted midget I found in the alley.  Her oozing sores were a dark Christmas red and green.
I'm usually an old grouch, Grinch and sometimes, a full on bastard around the holidays.  I don't want to be but that's just how it is.  My depression, frustration with crowds, family, traffic and all things stressful, pushes me to the edge. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being a little less than festive- well, a lot less festive the last 6 years and I'm desperately trying to make up for it.  Yes, this time around, I am really trying to make things as good as they can be this Christmas- for the wifey and for lovable ol' me.
What a beautifully festive display.  Someone finally gets it right.
The positive approach is better than being negative.  No matter what obstacle has been thrown my way, I've tried to make the best of it.  Hell... why not?  And you should see all the nice gifts I got my Sweety this year.  Jewelry, even!  Gosh, I'm a hell of a guy.  And I haven't broken the bones in my hand with all of the patting myself on the back one bit.

What a happy-go-lucky elf I am.  Not at all driven to insanity with all this holiday cheer and shit.
Yesterday, it was raining for the 10th day in a row.  I hurriedly got in my truck, got my rain poncho out and came back inside, on the bottom floor.  I was bound and determined to go for a walk in the park.  Fuck the monsoon we were having around this goddamn area.  I didn't feel like going up the stairs to my apartment and putting it on.  Instead, I put the rain poncho on downstairs in front of the neighbor's door at the bottom of the stairs.  Sure enough, while my head was buried and I was scrambling to get this rain poncho on right, the neighbor woman below, with her baby in her arms, pops out her door, suddenly and scares the shit out of me.

"Goddamn!," yelled I.  I added, "Holy shit!"

The neighbor smiled and then asked a stupid question, "Is it raining?"

I was soaked from my head down to my boots.

I do so much love it when people do this.  When people ask me obvious questions, I immediately get a boner.  In fact, anytime someone does something ridiculous in front of me, I sport wood.  Fuck, I must be hard all the time, eh?  Pull out in front of me, suddenly, with your crappy little Smart car and I'll pitch a tent in my pants like no other.  Of course, I will run over your Tonka Toy piece-o-shit with my big V-8 pickup truck while doing so, but hey, isn't that showing some Christmas spirit?

Anyway, after ranting away about how dismal the weather has been in the area, I told the neighbor to have a Merry Christmas.  Maybe a little forcibly, in tone, though I didn't meant to say it like that.  She wished me the same, politely, and said she had to go to work.  I wondered how she was going to go to work with a baby in her arms, but, oh well.

Maybe I'll be give her a little Christmas cheer and let her have the close parking space next to the main apartment door below a couple times.  I'm a real giver this year.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone.  Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to disrupt my blog posting challenge for the next few days because of the overwhelming upcoming events I'll be working on.  Family feasts and more.  That means I won't be able to post anything for the next two days, at least.  Believe me.  I would much rather do the blogging thing than- wait a minute- I gotta be positive no matter what.

Wish me luck!
A Praying Mantis by my door, waiting to ponce on me and bite my head off.  I did mate with her, after all, and that's how they do it in Praying Mantis World.  Begone, vile fucked up looking monster!  I will forever regret fucking you in the ass.  Especially now that my head has been bitten off.


dcrelief said...

You've inspired me to find appropriate sized trees for that shoving thing! Yes-sir, I feel some depression lifting as I type.

My Mom was the family glue too; I empathize with the imperfections for continuing sibling love?

Excellent writing, wonderfully funny; I have new ideas for garland! Thanks.

Happy celebrating; Merry Christmas.

Pickleope said...

All the best of luck to you good sir as you navigate the winding corridors of pettiness and passive agression to attain the elusive holiday cheer.
[Wow, I impressed myself with that sentence. Like a modern day Homer and shit.]
Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you need luck as much as you do a couple of hand grenades, but yeah sure, good luck Kelly!

I LOVE the Mistle Toe Belt. It's been so long since I've gotten any action I would... never mind what I would do, it's not polite.


I also wanted to say that I remembered a couple days after I posted my Wordy Wednesday starring YOU that your mum had passed and I started feeling guilty for putting her in the story too. If I had remembered I would have had you send that shext to Santa or somebody other than your mother. But just the same, I wanted to thank you for being such a good sport about it!

Sometimes when I'm really missing my dad at special occassions, I light a candle infront of his framed picture. It makes me feel like he has a presence there.

Kelly said...

dcrelief- Lol... I'm glad I could inspire you to find just the right tree to plant up someone's rectum. That's what I'm here for. And, like you, the more I type, the more the blues seem to lift off my already aching back. I know what you mean by what you said about your mom and imperfections of sibling love.

Thank you for the compliments. I hope you're having a great holiday season so far.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Thank you for the wish of luck. And, by golly, that was one heck of an eloquently written line you produced in this here comment box. I'm impressed and shit.

Have yourself the merriest of holidays and don't forget to shove a Christmas tree up the elf's asshole for good luck this year.

Kelly said...

Lil Dreamer- I wish I could use a bazooka on everyone who pisses me off during the holidays but, sadly, I don't have one. That makes me sad. :(

Sounds as if you've been having naughty thoughts, regarding that Mistletoe Belt. lol. Does Krampus know about this?

Don't sweat that part of your cleverly written, awesome, humorous story me and my Mom. I don't expect everyone to remember that she has passed. I was going to mention in my comment on your blog that it would have been one heck of a trick for her to answer the phone since she's been gone for 6 years but I didn't want you to feel needlessly guilty about something I don't expect everyone in the blog world to remember or know. Anyways... I loved your story.

Your way of remembering and honoring your father, with the lighting of a candle in front of his picture, is really nice- inspiring, too. Have a Merry Christmas!

bazza said...

I suppose when you are the host it's hard to duck out of the event.
I hope nobody upset you and caused an unwanted stiffy in the middle of everything.
Happy New Year!
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
I would like to first of all not get around and comment on this thoughtful posting, sooner.
I'm delighted that a dear friend of mine,'derelief' has linked into your awesome site :)
Sometimes my depression is so overwhelming that I just go into hibernation mode and fade into the background. To leave a comment becomes exhausting for this frazzled mind and I'm sorry if my response is even more disjointed than normal.
Anyway, as you and I have discussed on occasion, this time of the year can be very tough and doubly tough if you have mental health concerns. It can be a reminder of how isolated you can feel, even in a social gathering.
Yet, despite this, you embrace, as best you can, the positive aspects of the holiday season. I know you have to put on a 'brave front'. Which, I guess, leaves me with an advantage over you. I don't have to go through the social scene. In a way, it was quite nice spending Christmas Day on my own. Okay, the son returned from his mother's on Christmas afternoon. I cooked him and I a Christmas meal. He ate it in his bedroom and fell asleep by seven on Christmas night. At which point, without any social pressure, I say, fuck this and went to bed before eight at night.
I'm with you buddy on folks who ask obvious questions. Like when I'm going on holidays and they ask me if I'm 'going anywhere nice?' WTF!
I know we both have a lot to be grateful for. You and I stay focused on the positive possibilities on offer. How good is that.
Hey man and now that you have 'survived' 'Boxing Day Eve', here's to you and your loved ones having a most wonderful and rejuvenating 2012.
With respect and much admiration, your way, Gary :) Stay strong Kelly....

Static said...

Silly Santa, Christmas was designed by the Grinch.

Kelly said...

Bazza- No, no one caused an uproar that, in turn, caused me to develop a prick made of shiny hardened steel. Things weren't too bad, in fact. Sorry for responding so late. I've been busy putting all this Christmas gift stuff together and chilling out. It nice to have some semblance of serenity around here now that the holidays went bye bye.

Happy New Year to ya, Bazza!

Kelly said...

klahanie- don't worry about getting here sooner, Gary. Hell, look how long it's taken me to respond. Yeah, I'm glad dcrelief has joined us here, too.

I empathize with your depression, Gary and I fully understand how it can manipulate you or make you fade away in the background. I agree with you how it can make you feel isolated, too. there were a couple times during our big family Christmas shindig we had here where I had to leave the room where most of my wife's relatives were and be by myself. I can't entirely handle the stress of attending to a mob of people for this or that while dealing with my own inner turmoil.
Yes, you don't have that 'social scene' to deal with. You're fortunate in that respect. You can bet the bull on that! I'm at the other extreme. I had five Christmas gatherings to attend to this year. Damn! I'm glad, my friend, that your son was at least with you a little while and sat and ate the Christmas meal. I think we should count our blessings, maybe. And I'm with you about the 'obvious questions' thing, of course. Sometimes I wonder if there's a retard class, somewhere, where they learn to ask idiotic questions. Hey, Happy New Year, man!

Kelly said...

Static- In a twisted way, I think you may be right. I also think the only ones who get that much of a kick out of Christmas these days are kids- except the kids that live in absolute poverty and don't get squat for Christmas. I think a lot of adults just wish it would go away or not put such a stranglehold on their lives during the holidays. Well, I've rambled on again. At least I've survived. That's all that matters. :)

Happy New Year, Crazy Fucker!

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