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Friday, June 25, 2010

5 QUESTIONS For Static

My old blog pal, Static, has joyfully agreed to participate in my second edition of my lil' questionnaire series. This guy has a bit of a twisted sense of humor and is intelligent, to boot. If you're smart, you'll check out his blog, Krapsody, when you're done reading the entertaining Q & A fest I've got going on here.

Static's icon or true face or something insane from his site can be found at the top. To this day, I don't know what the man really looks like. It looks to me as if he's been in some sort of accident where he has received electrical shock.

You really should check it out. Hilarious, ironic, top-notch writing can be found at Krapsody.

Now here are the 5 QUESTIONS posed to Static

Q: A group of lepers walk into a bar and make a mess of the place because their goddamn skin won't stop sloughing off and cluttering the floor. Eventually, the piles of dead tissue they leave here and there cause people to slip, fall down and crack their heads wide open on the bar tables and chairs. The bartender says to you, "Could you do something about these lepers? They're bad for business." What, if anything, do you do?

A: My goodness, since it's obvious that this place is beginning to "deteriorate" and business is "dropping off", I think what this scene needs is a buffet fit for a king and a gracious host to take it up a notch. Since it's not a prudent time to quibble over "biting off" more than you can chew, lest someone gets "sore" over such an incident, make no mistakes, just because they have leprosy doesn't mean they are "untouchable". First thing on the agenda is to "dis-arm" the lepers. I'd make quick work of most, tearing them "limb from limb". I'd hit one leper over the head with a tennis racket and make spaghetti. Next up, I'd twist off a head or two and tell someone to go deep for a pass, since everyone knows lepers are always willing to "lend a hand", they'd be more than happy to toss a few noggins in a bucket of hot water and make chowder. Smash a few bottles of pure grain alcohol on some others and "dissolve" them with spirits. Then while another one laughs his "head off" and another "cries his eyes out", I'd make leper sausage with a screen door and a baggie at the other end. Finally, I'd have a "face-off" in the corner with the last leper standing. At this point it should be quite clear that all the lepers are "de-feet-ed". And in usual fashion, I always save "the best part(s)" for last. I shall carry out all of the above while singing, "Lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song...", blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back.

Q: What inspirational message would you like to share with everyone?

A: I know that I rarely come across as serious, or sympathetic, or inspirational...but given the nature of your question, here's an instance where I feel that it is warranted. First of all, live each day as if it were your last. Savor the moment. Live in the present, not in the past. If you are going through hell, just keep going - faster. And never ever ever look to John Mayer for inspirational messages.

Q: How would you describe a pleasant evening, free of bugged-eyed freaks, annoying mimes and talking hammers?

A: This one is iffy. The psychobabble justification happens to be that social isolation is a bad thing. However, when surrounded by bugged-eyed freaks, annoying mimes, talking hammers and other irksome drivel and flotsam jetsam on a regular isolation, seems to be a welcome retreat.

Such a relaxing vacation might include:
* a month in the Alaskan
* solitary confinement for a
decade, or
* a trip to the nearest star at
roughly 4.22 light years away
Who knows what contentment one may discover within the confines of their own mind that might transform them into bug-eyed freaks hammering mimes with the irksome drivel and flotsam jetsam of madness that solitude can bring...all from one pleasant evening "away from it all".

Q: President Obama and the rest of the world's leaders (puppets manipulated by interested organizations, in some cases, but I digress) travel from wherever they're from, go to your place, and pleadingly ask you for advice on how to make the perfect omelet. What is your response?

A: The perfect omelet in this case, would be made by having all world leaders congregate together. Once I've invited them over, I'd take them all out for a walk within a very large satellite dish somewhere in the middle of the desert. After a while of pontificating on global economics, off shore drilling, and the pros and cons of bottle cap collecting, I would ask them to seat themselves. As they are seated, each guest would experience the gentle placing of an egg under each of their posteriors...after they were comfortable, a series of enormous mallets would crack them each on the top of their heads, shattering eggs and skulls..which would run about the inside of the dish like a river of sulfur and lava. They are then left to cook under the beating rays of the sun. Which should feed endangered vultures (such as the California Condor) for several weeks. This is but one of my recipes for disaster.

Q: What would be your most embarrassing moment in your life so far? Besides with the three legged German Shepherd with the funny hat?

A: Although the three legged German Shepherd with the funny hat shall always be a source of mental discomfort
for me, I'd have to say blogging tops the list. It's the only place I've been so vulnerable. Why, I've opened myself up to readers so much in recent years
that they could, quite literally, take complete advantage of me.

IT's absolutely...horrifying. As a matter of fact, the more I think about it, I
believe blogging has been the biggest mistake of my entire life. How is this possible, I ask myself quite frequently throughout the day. What am I
doing? Oh, my god, what have I become? I..I..I am a monster! I've become so self-absorbed lately. I think, “Gee, I am NOT as big an asshole as they tell me.

I actually do have some self worth,” or I'm not a "big baby" or a "drama queen". Noooo, not in the least. I mean, all I do is bitch bitch bitch. Bitch about everything and then some. That's all my blog has become. Just some repugnant journal, an obtuse diatribe of shameless fuckery, and
my readers are my over involved psychoanalysts. Maybe I should get some goddamn exercise outside, like 30 to 60 minutes at a pace akin to a brisk walk? OH, SURE! Seems like nothing. Ninety minutes on a bike at top gear while grunting in between primally screamed expletives....or hours in a kayak futilely paddling against
rapids with ears bleeding to iPod music seems much better than merely strolling along at a walking pace, or flexing my overly developed finger muscles on a keyboard. That’s not exercise, it's sissycise. A freaking cry for help. FFS just pull the plug already!! I'm like a vegetable who cannot communicate his needs to anyone around him, trapped in this void of unrelenting misfortune and disaffection.
Oh, dear. I seem to have forgotten that the most embarrassing moment for me would be when I begin to ramble. Never mind.

Thanks, Static, for your participation in this post.


Static said...


Wait for it..are ya ready? I rule.

Anyway, it is quite evident that I have lost any remaining semblance of being human.

Thanks for the write up, Kelly. I can now bore others to tears with my mindless drivel. =D

Hey, you were asking what I did yesterday on my birthday..well to celebrate that and this Q&A of ours, I have been celebrating at my castle by throwing lepers off the roof. It's been a hoot. Only..I'm running out of lepers now. Can you send me over a couple fresh boat loads? Thanks a HEAP!

The Wolf said...

Too fucking funny great answers. Don't think I want any of you're leper stew I don't think it would stick to my ribs

Crazy Brunette said...

This was incredibly disturbing!!!!

Am I next or what fucker????

Kelly said...

Static- No problem with the write up, dude. Throwing lepers off the castle roof is always the best way to celebrate a birthday. Only the elderly, retarded and crippled come close to the joy one can feel with throwing a person off the roof.

Before doing so, I'm considerate enough to give them careful instructions before they are thrown. Such as:

"Once you're in the air, be sure to flap your arms up and down in order to fly." And...

"Don't look down."

Don't worry. A fresh batch of lepers is being shipped your way in a big box crate. I put in a few air holes for 'em because I care. I even tossed a few annoying children in the mix, as a bonus. Happy Birthday!

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Yeah, agreed. No leper stew for me, either. I'm still full from the annoying, pretentious kid stew.*


Kelly said...

Crazy Brunette- Heh heh. You think that was disturbing? lol. He and I have both written a lot worse in the past, but, I digress.

Any yes, Little Miss ME ME ME, you are next on the chopping block, er, I mean, blog post. lol. Yours will be posted tomorrow, Sunday... unless my retarded, bothersome family has any unexpected chaos planned for me at the time.

Mr. Stupid said...

These were funny. Have a good day, Kelly...:)

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- Thanks, Mr. Stupid. Say hello to Harry Potato for me.

klahanie said...

Very interesting and intelligent responses. In fact, it cracked me up, had me in bits whilst I rolled on the floor in hysterical fits of bizarre cackling and indeed, blood-curdling howls of delight.
I am starting to worry about myself.
Nice one and I enjoyed the rambling responses and sense the plight of a vegetable who craves a happy and loving environment. Peas release me...

Static said...

@ Crazy Brunette "This was incredibly disturbing!!!!"

That seems to be the general consensus and reactions I get. =)

Static said...

And..thanks Mr. Stupid and most especially to the kind words of klahanie. I feel all warm and tingly inside..and not just 'cause I peed my pants for the 4th time today.

Peas..RELEASE ME..lulz!

Static said...

@ The Wolf I thank you sir. Although, you'd be surprised, leper stew has been known to be quite "toothsome" and quite a "belly full".

Kelly said...

@klahanie- Wow, man. I'm sittin' here, fried as fuck and reading about your on-the-floor cackling fit and now I'm gettin' kinda worried about ya, too. Don't do that to me, man. :) I hope you're okay, dude.

Yeah, I sensed that vegetable's plight, too and plan on sending him a Get Well card or somethin'.

@Static- Peeing belongs in the public pool, dang it.

klahanie said...

Me okay? Geez, I hope not. I like being unokay. Is that a word?
A get well card for a vegetable? Lettuce think about that one. Peas (or pees for the fifth time) and respect, your ways, kla'howl'nie

Kelly said...

klahanie- Well, as long as you're unokay, then everything will be just fine.

"kla'howl'nie?" Are you barking at the moon or is that some new kinda brownie?

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