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Monday, January 2, 2012

The Holidays Are Over and The Joy of Putting Xmas Gifts Together

First of all, as if you can't tell by my latest posting, I survived Christmas Hell once again.  The one Christmas gathering my significant other and I hosted for her side of the family didn't cause me to flip out, fall down on my knees, sob openly and then get up, retrieve my flamethrower from under the bed, go back and set everyone on fire this time around.

I only had two instances where I had to leave a heavily populated room due to stress.  For me, a heavily populated room is anything over five or six people.  I feel like I'm trapped in a herd of insane, babbling bison in that situation.  I can't handle it.  One thing that sets me over the friggin' edge is when three people are talking to you at the same time about three extremely different topics.  My head is turning faster than a possessed girl in a 70's horror movie in order to focus and hear what each buffalo has to say.  For whatever reason, people have a tendency to pull this hilarious routine on me-  intentional or not.  Maybe they want me to pull out the flamethrower.  I must seem like someone who will calmly listen to the subject matter presented and, in turn, shoot wisdom out of every orifice for the talker's benefit or possibly cause the talker to laugh by spurting out an absurd or observational joke that may have something to do with what they're rambling about.

You say you made a macaroni and cheese dish with less flavor than Styrofoam cups covering a decrepit whore's wrinkly worn down nipples?

Well, I can't wait to try to digest that dish you made for our supposedly joyous Christmas meal without spitting it out and blinding your baby with unappetizing chunks of what you jokingly refer to as food.

It's all a pretty picture I paint, I know.

Then someone else may talk about trains and fishing lures.  I will attempt interest while also fantasize about fucking Mila Kunis deep in her tiny, puckered asshole.


Here's a joke I made up for ya that's both absurd and observational.  Best of all, it's an easy one to remember.

Question: What's the difference between a monetarily wealthy kid on Christmas morning and a poor kid, that same day, that lives in a run down apartment with a bunch of relatives that are also poor?

Answer: The wealthy kid will likely probably not give too much of a shit about what he gets when he opens his gifts because he already has everything without asking.  He might grow up, feeling entitled.  Maybe not.   Now the poor kid is likely just grateful that he has a big family that loves him.  He may envy the rich kid every so often but he ultimately knows what is important and what's not.  Does he feel entitled?  Hell, he's just trying to survive.  Living his life is all the gift he needs.

Spoiled girl secretly enters the room at night, then carefully binds mother and father's limbs while they slumber peacefully, dreaming of new things to acquire and gingerly scoops parent's eyes out with a spoon because she didn't get that latest technological piece of shit that will go out of style in a couple weeks and no longer make her friends green with envy.  Later, after the merry mayhem and profuse bloodshed and disemboweling of daddy, she'll get her own reality show, thanks to the hyperventilating, over publicized rabid press coverage.  A happy ending that will certainly appeal to today's wonderfully sane society.
It's not so much a joke but it's something I think people should think about.  I think the poverty stricken people around the world think the wealthy in America suck for a lot of reasons.  It's not completely envy.  Maybe not at all.  You tell me.  I wonder if they believe we're arrogant and entitled, too, to a greater degree.

The wife and I overdid the gift giving to each other this year.  Made all the Christmas gift givings in the past look a might tame.  TV.  Camera.  Exercise machine for me.  I put that together that today.  Jewelry.  A cool graphics tablet thingamajiggy that allows you to draw with a pen while your drawing shows up on the PC monitor.  I forget what else.  Too excessive.  In a way, it gave me a bad case of "the guilts."  Perhaps I shall shed these feelings of guilt, layer by layer, by distributing free bars of soap to the hobos under the bridge.  Sorry.  That isn't right.
I really wish the lady would have come, shipped in a special container with this item, when I ordered it.  She could have made me some delicious mac and cheese.  Darn it.
But, at the moment, I'm feeling kinda vulnerable and anxious now that I've said what we got this festive holiday season.  Don't rob me!  I'm nuts.  Who knows what type of funny rascally rabbit I'll pull out of my hat?  For real. Fair warning, my friends.  Group hug?  No?

I've figured out how this thing goes with that thing, for the most part.  I'm learning how to do new stuff that's normally a little above my intelligence capabilities.  But I'm still one hell of a guy, after all.  There are still hook ups and procedures I don't quite understand.  But I'm going to make a real attempt at being patient with understanding things and more patient with people- this year and beyond.  I'll try working on that.  No more Mr. Flamethrower Guy.  Unless I'm provoked.  :-D

Side Note: So far the comments I've been getting about the exercise machine suggest that I got it as a gift from a family member.  This is not the case.  My wife and I purchased it and had it delivered to myself to help lower my blood sugar and high blood pressure counts and more.  Thank you and have a rip-roaring day, damn it.  


Anonymous said...

The sensational Sir Tom Eagerly says:
(1) The amount of exercise one gets from putting an exercise machine together is way too much for me. Getting a Whiskey bottle open is about my limit.
(2) I didn't get the joke.
(3) I'm pissed.
(4) Toodle-pip old chap.

The Angry Lurker said...

Exercise machine as a fecking present...heads would roll!

BragonDorn said...

I would probably return it and buy a few buckets of chicken. That's a real mans Christmas XD

Kelly said...

Sir Tom- (1) The exercise machine was a gift from the Mrs. and myself to me. I need it help lower my blood sugar and high blood pressure and so on. I think I burned about 1000 calories putting it together so it's working already to my benefit. Here... let me help you with your alcoholism with my handy bottle opener. (2) I didn't think you would. (3) I'm scratching my nutsack. (4) I'm not sure what a toodle-pip is but I bet you could stick your toodle-pip in a meat grinder. I will cheerfully provide the meat grinder.

Kelly said...

The Angry Lurker- The exercise machine was a gift from me to me, basically. I forked over half the cost. But I do appreciate your enthusiasm. :)

Kelly said...

BragonDorn- Ha ha. No. I shouldn't eat any more buckets of chicken- although I can see where it would be a real man's Christmas. :) As I mentioned already... The exercise machine was pretty much a gift from me to me. I need it for my health. Thanks for commenting. Have a dandy day!

GEM said...

Happy New Year Kelly! Was the exercise machine a gift from you to you by any chance....??not sure if you mentioned that or not :)Christmas stress wonder we all get completely blathered on the holiest day of the year! Toodle pip! (its an english thing)xx

Kelly said...

GEM- Happy New Year back to ya, lady blogger friend. And a big hahaha to you for your exercise machine comment. I duly noted the sarcasm and give you a thumbs up for implying, just perhaps, that maybe a few folks didn't read that "gift from me to me" part of the post. Figuring there would be more comments like this in the future, I labored inexhaustibly* to provide the Side Note below.

*more sarcasm

Yeah, if it weren't for the Valium and determination, on my part, I would have had a much rougher time of it. Luckily, the Christmas meal/gathering at our place went off without much of a hitch. How was your Christmas and New Year's Eve? I take it you're in Russia now. Hope you're doing well there. I'm rooting for you.

Toodle pip!

bazza said...

Hi Kezza, I was thinking about getting some kind of exercise machine but the thought made my brain hurt.
I have let my gym membership lapse but I do walk a lot - I love that.
I am sure it will greatly benefit your health to get the exercise!
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Kelly said...

Bazza- I can see how that would do that to you. :) What finally caused me to break down and buy one is because I dislike walking in the park when it's super cold out. In the past, I could handle it. Not nowadays. Lately, here, it's either cold or rainy or both. Going to the gym, where it's warm everyday, is no longer an option because of the high price of gas to go there each day.

Like you, I love walking, although it hurts like a motherfucker half the time because of my inoperable foot condition and heel spurs. I tried out the machine yesterday and it works fine so far so I believe it will benefit me.

Hope you had a good couple of holidays, Bazza. Take care.

G said...

See if more gym equipment came with sexy girl included I'd honestly exercise more...not necessarily using the equipment

billy pilgrim said...

exercise is good as long as you reward yourself with large amounts of alcohol and pot after working up a sweat.

moderation is for monks!

Kelly said...

G- Hmmm... I sense you're implying you would enjoy a little IN and OUT activity with this hypothetical female with large breasts and heart shaped buttocks.

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- Agreed. Although monks can be a little extreme with all their nightly whippings, porn video nights and frequent intercourse sessions with farm animals. The sheep don't mind. But the horses say, "Nay!"

dcrelief said...

Damn! Never heard anyone describe mac&cheese in quite the way you do; oh yum :/
Freaking kid, in front of the tree gives new meaning to, 'born with a silver spoon?'
Other than that, I laughed, I cried, I laughed, I cried, then read your article allover again. I can't tell you how inspired I feel to get a flamethrower and visit the closest KFC. I love extra crispy.
Good thoughts to ya!

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
My good friend, you covered a lot of ground in this posting. Indeed, you bring back memories of the days when I too experienced the three at once conversations. And thanks for the visual of a spinning head. Um..what 'possessed' you to think of that 70's horror movie?
I know the social scene can be a bit of a struggle for you as you confront your anxieties. Yet, bravo, you did and you've done well.
I wish you the very best with the exercise machine. You've bought it for all the right reasons. A healthy future to you, good sir, your good lady and what the heck, all your other loved ones :)
In kindness, your adoring fan, Gary...Ta-dah!

Annabelle said...


Mutha Fuckahs!

Glad you (I) survived it all. I'm with you on the bloat of excess. I'd love a get off my ass machine, hells yeah.


Kelly said...

dcrelief- Yum, indeed, on that mac n' cheese. It was about as tasty as a dry, graying turd, lying out in the field on a hot day- but with less flavor.

Spoiled Girl then turned around skipped down to her retarded cousin's room, way down in the basement and used her silver spoons on him. As Cousin Jimmy screamed, drooled and screamed some more, she recited The Night Before Christmas and calmed him before he returned to a peaceful sleep- but this time, without his eyes. Giggling, she later pushed carrots into his eye sockets and called him Frosty The Snowman.

It's true. The employees at the KFC love it when people walk in with a flamethrower. They know they're in for a hot time.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Oldsters like us may recall the scene in the Exorcist while Youngsters are fiddling with their love buttons on their Ipukes.

I'm just glad Christmas is over. My yule log no longer hardens for Christmas humbuggery. I think they should rename Christmas something that rings a little more accurately- like "Interruption of Real Life" or "Holiday Hell on Ice."


In truth, I feel like I've won a battle but the war isn't over yet. But, hey, I'll be that warrior. Thank you for your thoughtful comment and I hope things go well for you, Gary, this year and beyond.

Kelly said...

Annabelle- I'm gonna wash that mouth out with soap and you best be blowin' bubbles out yo ass! Ah, so you are a survivor of Christmas, as well. They should pin medals of stamina and restraint upon us. We didn't end up killing anyone and we barreled through it all with honor. Glad you agree with the excess remarks.

You have yourself the best damn day possible and don't let anyone tell you to do otherwise or they'll answer to me and I'll crispify their asses. Muah!

Gia said...

Boyfriend got me a tablet for Christmas too!!! I like it.

Kelly said...

Gia- That's a good sign. I'm always reading customer reviews on Amazon or another review source for one thing or another. Thanks for commenting. Have a damn great day or else. :)

Static said...

"I will attempt interest while also fantasize about fucking Mila Kunis deep in her tiny, puckered asshole."

Who doesn't fantasize about that? I think I just dropped 10 pounds fapping to the idea that I am nailing Mila Kunis. Thanks for the weight loss tip!

Kelly said...

Static- You're welcome. For bonus points and extra calorie loss, try heartily fapping to your mind's image of Paula Dean, covered in lard. MMmmmm. Talk about your greased piggies!

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