This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, February 25, 2011

The 7 Facts Award

Wouldn't you know it? The great and wonderful me has gotten another award thrust upon myself and I want to thank the just as great and wonderful, if not better, LilPixi, from It's A Lollipop World.

LilPixi has got a kick ass, wild and humorous blog that features delightful topics ranging from popping penis balloons to pleasant experiences like having your heart abruptly stop pumping while slippery shit dumplings suddenly pop out of your ass like a Jack-In-The Box as you're attacked by crazed, jacket-eating giraffes. I'm might have added a bit of color to that last description but, basically, it's true. Check out her zany, original blog to see what I mean by all this insanity.

As usual, there are the rules. As usual, I will break one or more of them. Here are the rules:

*Copy and paste this award to your blog
* Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it.
* List 7 facts about yourself
* Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have it.

I shall list 7 facts of myself, once again, like I did at the beginning of this month, because I know how much everyone is just dying to know more about sweet lil' ol' me. I'll try my damnedest to tell something about myself I haven't before on this site but I can't guarantee you'll be oddly fascinated or even erotically stimulated by the answers.

#1- I can hear, just at this moment, at one o' clock in the morning, some asshole loudly rummaging around in the large garbage bin, down below one of my apartment windows, slightly off to the right side of the building. No shit! This numb nuts is hunting for I-don't-know-what at this time of night but it is unnerving. I'm wondering what kind of info he might be finding out. Damn, I hope he doesn't find the messed up Barbie Dolls I threw in the trash that have my name stamped on their plastic asses. That might be embarrassing.

#2- TV shows I watch on a semi-regular basis would include: House, Family Guy, Nova, Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern, 1000 Ways To Die, Tosh.O, National Geographic specials, Baggage, NCIS, The Daily Show, Minute To Win It, History Channel shows and more I can't think of at the moment because the douche bucket down below won't stop making a racket.

Perhaps he's collecting cans. I hear a lot of tink-tink-tinking going on. Perhaps I'll save him the trouble of making a few lousy bucks by collecting cans at one in the morning to drag to the recycle center later for money and throw a few dollars out the window at him so he'll go away. Fuck it! I'll just pull the window up and activate "my amazing sprinkler system" (also called My Bladder and Tubular Sex Organ) and give the guy a golden shower. Nah. Strike that! That freak might enjoy it.

Moving on...

#3- Is an omelet really an omelet without the cooked flesh of some dead animal and some cheese? I think not. I don't eat omelets without meat and if you try to force one, sans meat, upon me, I will be forced to declare war. It would be as bad as drinking decaffeinated coffee to me. What's the point?

#4- I was taught how to fish, set up a tent and camp, chop wood, enjoy a good strong cup of coffee, reap the benefits of what worlds books can open for you, draw, paint, cook and observe before you blindly jump into something all before the age of ten. Imagining and creating stories came naturally to me. So did the ability to be direct and honest. An ability some people in society annoyingly lack for the purposes of not wanting to "make waves" or be open.

#5- I like animals more than I like people. A real shock, isn't it? Hahaha..... Okay. I'll stop.

#6- I was once an elf for the Keebler Cookie Company. But instead of doing our work in a tree, we did it in a factory filled with huge hot ovens. I was driven further into the depths of madness with this fast paced, stressful job. It was my duty to watch, from 10 at night to 8 in the morning, literally millions of goddamn cookies go down the conveyor belt very, very quickly and check for minor imperfections of each friggin' cookie. If you found one or more unsightly cookies, you had to have the reflexes of Flash to grab it off the line before it got to the packagers' section. Chaos often ensued when there were more than a few at a time that were "bad".

In only seconds, I had to judge the quality of each cookie as they whizzed by. Does this one have enough chocolate chips? Is that one perfectly round? Does that one seem photogenically balanced and capable of pleasing a typical obese American? Gosh, I sure hoped so. My eyes watered and glazed over after a few hours of this relentless burden and my back was about to break. Eventually, the stress got to me with this job (slave labor) and I allowed a billion and one cookies to pile up on the factory floor one night. When blood comes out of your ears and drips on the perfectly shaped cookies, you know it's quitting time. Boy, you should have heard what those potty-mouthed elves had to say about that mess. Goodness gracious, I was appalled!

#7- I've met eight of the major players of The Big Red Machine. The Major League Baseball World Champions of 1975 and 1976 were gracious enough to give me and our small town's citizenry, free of charge, a signed autograph of themselves back then. It isn't too often that a big name professional athlete does anything like that- free of charge- these days. It's all about the money. That was an amazing day for a 12 year old boy or for anyone else, for that matter. Click the link above for the significance of these guys. They are legends.

As for any recipients to pass this award forward to, I'm going to give it to one blogger I've never mentioned before and whose blog has given me chuckles aplenty past and present. He may do whatever he wants with it. Let it be known, I have officially bestowed this award/survey upon him like a crown of golden dingleberries.

The proud recipient is Rico Swaff of the spectacular blog, The Chronicles of Rico. Hey dude, follow the rules above as much as you want. Take care, folks.


LilPixi said...

I immediately started laughing when you started off by veering off topic about the guy outside, but I was in tears by the time I got to the end of the cookie story.

I also like Family Guy, Andrew Zimmerman (you can't look away, it's too interesting, 1,000 Ways to Die, Tosh, The Daily Show & The History Channel.

#3. Gotcha. NEVER feed Kelly a meatless omelet, unless you're ready to go at it with war paint & machine guns.

I love #4.

#5. Same.

#6. Killed me. Though, there's nothing funny about that type of stress. It was the cookie pile & just being able to relate to the whole thing.

#7. Coolness. Nothing like meeting your present-time heroes.

I loved that blog description beyond words. That was killing me. Thank you so much, Kelly.
I'll have to check out this blog you speak of.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

klahanie said...

Hey Kelly,
Apologies for not visiting your highly intellectual, thoughtful and wise beyond any adequate words, blog, for a while. Been rather busy and have kinda' been out of the loop.
Thrilled to note you have received another thoroughly deserved award from the delightful LilPixi :)
There are indeed some intriguing facts about your lil' ol' self. Of course, fact number 6 has made appreciate your good self, even more. But hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Well done dude and well done to Rico Swaff for receiving this award from your shy and humble self. I shall duly check this dude out. I'm sure he'll be delighted I'm on my way.
Here's hoping you have a peaceful and positive weekend.
Take care n' stuff, Gary :)

bazza said...

Hi Kelly. With regard to no.2 (incidentally, in the UK we write no. as an abreviation for number instead of #), do you watch a programme called Man Versus Food where this guy travels all over the States to independent fast-food outlets and family restuarants and eats his way through most of the menu, often served in a bucket?
It's totally gross but compelling viewing; I'm afraid it gives rather a poor image of US eating habits!
Very funny post. Congrats on the award and have a great weekend.
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’ said...

Holy shit, that was ME rummaging through the garbage! Thanks for the thai food, it was awesome.

Ok, after finding you and reading JUST ONE POST, I'm in love with your blog. I'm going to be scouring through it for the rest of the weekend now!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Do you like fish more than humans? That would be weird, because fish are cold, slippery customers. Maybe you just enjoy eating them more than humans, which is a more reasonable preference.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Glad it gave ya a weirdly sprinkle of chocolate chip chuckles. Don't know what the hell that means but you're welcome about blog description. Well, I've got the Munchos, the chip snack, I mean, and I gotta grab a handful from the bag before I eat my cat. Have yourself a dandy good day!

Kelly said...

klahanie- That's fine, dude. I know how it goes when you're tied up with real life outside the blogworld. Thanks for being thrilled for me on the award. Hmmm... Yeah, I walked out on the job not just because of the stress of particular position along the belt but other people were hassling me for no reason. Never could figure that out. Oh well. You know what I mean. I noticed a lot of cookies and temper restraining were crumbling before I left the factory. Made me feel good. :-)

Yeah, check out Rico's site. He's funny. Have a damn good day and take care, Gary.

Kelly said...

bazza- Yeah, here in America, where we've written a thousand and one trivia and list books (really popular here) we use the following to number our statements, rules, facts and so on.. (no.,nu.,#,1-,2-,3-...(1) and so on) We have quite a few ways we number things.

Yeah, I love Man Vs. Food. It may give a poor image of America's eating habits. I've thought of that before. Either way, I always root for the guy. He makes me laugh. Another show I could add to my list. Forgot to thrown in the show, Fringe, too.

Thanks for the thanks on the award. :) Have yourself a dandy day!

Kelly said... Glad you're enjoying your first visit here. No need to be afraid or freaked while you're here. The monkeys and Mr. Checkers are there to protect you while you take a tour of the place. :-)

That was you in my friggin' dumpster?! Holy crackers made of dried shit! Now for that, I'm gonna have to visit your blog. Here I come. Take care. :)

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Hmmm? Fish Vs. Humans. well, I wouldn't want to fuck the fish because they might whip their fin around and cut my penis as I force my cock up inside it so I guess I'll go with a human. Of course, they have their own volatile behavior to contend with. Eh, let me think on the issue.

Rico Swaff said...

Thanks a ton man! Much appreciated!

My main problem is not having access to the net unless I am at work or visiting rents, so time is my main issue when it comes to contemplating what to do with the award. I appreciate it though and will try to come up with something.

Btw, love the 7 facts.... I always wondered about some of the details about working in a factory such as Keebler.

I noticed your George Carlin vid. RIGHT ON MAN! I have like 7 of his stand-up DVD's along with Brain Droppings, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops, Napalm vs. Silly Putty and his autobiography that was released a little over a year ago. The dude is my hero.

Rock on, rock on and thanks again!

Kelly said...

Rico Swaff- You're welcome. You've been added to the blogroll, too. Don't sweat it about the time in regards to post it. I know how it is when your computer is down and so on.

Yeah, being a Keebler Elf means that you have to be as quick as an elf. Elves are pretty darn quick. With the exception of a couple guys working there, most of the employees and management were assholes.

Yes, I love George Carlin. I've got all his old albums and CDs. Watched all the specials. I've really been inspired by the way he thinks and his honest brand of humor. Personally, I thought his stand up routines and books (yeah, I've got 'em all, too) got better with each time and as the years went by.

In the future, I'm going to do a review post on his autobiography, Last Words.

Take care, dude. Rock on.

Anonymous said...

OMG... you had me at "bear's taint"

Kelly said...

Cerebralmilkshake- Yeah, I usually have people at bear's taint. That's the best way to have them. :)

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