This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Dangling Objects

This following story was forwarded to me by my dear old Aunty Kay. I have no idea if it's true or not but I found it to be funny.

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-pa tter
and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'
mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'


Tom Eagerley said...

Hey, I'm first! Is there a prize?
Jolly funny story; reminds me of something that happened to my old pal.
His wife had just cleaned the lavatory pan with a new super-detergent.
Well, Jack liked a secret smoke while in the bathroom. When he dropped his still burning cigarette between his legs into the toilet bowl there was a flash as the fumes of the detergent ignited and burnt his balls rather badly.
As the para-medics were negotiating his stretcher down stairs he related what had happened they laughed so much they dropped him down the stairs. Broke his bloody leg. Cheers old boy!

Joyanna said...

Wow, that is the more horrible story I've ever heard. I started laughing and wincing in pain and the teacher made me read it aloud to the class and I guess the principal (who's office is next door) heard the commotion and I got in trouble for reading your blog in school. SO WORTH IT, THOUGH!!!

Lizzy and Elle said...

He shouldn't have been such a 'pussy' and told his wife to wait until he was finished, where was the disposal going?

The Wolf said...

Ouch I feel you're pain. Hey it could have been wait that's pretty shitty. But hey at least you didn't almost blow yourself up with a grenade like I almost did :)

Kelly said...

Tom- Dude... Congrats on being the first to this post. The prize is something x-tra special, today. Today's First Commenter To A Post prize is a small pocket of delightfully aromatic gas from deep within my bowels, sealed in a decorative glass jar to show off to all of your good friends. Why? Because I'm a giver and a great humanitarian, that's why!

So you say the paramedics laughed at poor Jack but you neglected to say if you chuckled at your burnt balled friend's misfortune. Well, hell, I would have laughed, too. That is a funny story, by the way. Thanks for sharing.

Kelly said...

Joyanna- Long time- no hear from. :) Glad you had a good laugh from the story but I'm sorry you got in trouble for reading it. Glad you thought it was worth it. It seems I can cause trouble for people even when I'm not in the same room. Damn. So... Did everyone in your classroom enjoy it?

Kelly said...

Lizzy and Elle- I'm in full agreement with you there. That dude, real or not, is a pussy for doing that in his naked situation. That job could have waited.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Luckily, it wasn't me that went through all of that shit. I never would have gotten my naked ass out of the shower for anything... with the exception being if the house was on fire. You'll have to tell me how you almost blew the fuck up out of yourself with a grenade sometime. Sounds fun -not.

Crazy Brunette said...


I literally could see the whole scenario playing out in my head... It was fucking perfect, I literally choked because it is 3am and I'm trying to contain my fits of hysterics!!!!

Oh my god!!! I can't fucking WAIT to e-mail this to everyone I fucking know!!!

VineyardRoad said...

Yes... kitty knows that dangling balls are extremely fun to play with!

Bad wifey, for not dragging a pair of boxers on hubby before the medics came.

Crazy Brunette said...

I thought you'd like to know that I e-mailed this to my parents last night...

Mom called me this morning still laughing her fucking ass off!

My Dad is in the background doing his goofy "huuhahuuha" chuckle under his breath...


God fucking help me they don't find MY blog THROUGH yours... I was being mind fucked at 3:00am by ball clawing kitties!

Kelly said...

Crazy Brunette- Ha ha ha. Glad you had a good laugh-on from it, Ashley. I hope you didn't choke too hard. Go ahead and e-mail to everyone. Share the laughs. Also glad your parents enjoyed it, too. My parents had a good sense of humor like that, as well. I like how you described your dad's laugh. Kinda sounds like my own dad's laugh.

Take care

Kelly said...

Vineyard Road- I agree with ya on both counts. LOL. If you wanna give kitty some balls to play with... Make sure they are of the non-fleshy variety. As for that wifey, she's bad for a whole lotta reasons. Maybe kitty needs to play with her nippy knobs. Ouch! Tee hee.

Mr. Stupid said...

Hilarious post. Even though, it was not so hilarious to the guy!
Loved the picture. See, only if the kitty was given a ball of wool to play with, nothing this tragic would have occurred! LOL
Happy Sunday Kelly and hello Aunty Kay!:)

klahanie said...

I know I shouldn't really find this a funny story. But what the fuck, I do!
Unless, of course, it happened to me.
Don't be fooled by the pussy. I have told you before that cats have an evil plan to take over the world. This was just another example. Cats are gonna' get us guys buy the balls. Ad pussies are gonna' get the ladies by the....

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- After the cat did that to me, I think I would have given it a hand grenade, with the pin pulled, to play with. Hahaha. I love cats, but damn, ya gotta draw the line somewhere. Happy Sunday to you, too. I'll say hi to Aunty Kay for ya.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Ah, it's alright to find it funny, Gary. I know what you mean about that Evil Cat Plan To Take Over The World. I overheard my cats, Victor and Mufasa, having a conversation about invading the White House last Tuesday. When I came into the room, they hushed up quickly and looked at each other as if to say, "You or I will have to trip this motherfucker while he's barely awake and getting out of bed tomorrow morning at 9:00 am." But I fooled them. I stayed in bed until the afternoon with a hangover of sorts.

One of The Guys said...

Damn, how awfully funny! Mortifying to say the least.

Love the last line. Perfect ending!

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- Glad it gave you a laugh. Reminded me of one of those embarrassing scenes from the "American Pie" movies.

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