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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Found A Pubic Hair In My Shrimp

A couple weeks ago, my wifey and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant/buffet and pigged out. We love almost all the food on their big buffet and look forward to hitting it up every so often. The food there is very tasty and they have a wide variety of seafood on the bar- always a plus with me, since I can never get enough crab legs and shrimp.

But, as things always seem to go, when you like something for a long time, something will happen that will eventually put a damper on it. In the case of eating at one of your favorite restaurants, that something could be bad service, cold food or being placed next to a table full of screeching monkey children that won't stop screaming like banshees.

That last one I mentioned is practically a deal breaker for me since I have a very low threshold for loud, needless noise and suffer from anxiety. The parents who allow this type of unacceptable behavior to go on and on without taking Junior or Juniorette out of the place so the patrons can have a nice, quiet meal that they're paying for, are the ones who need to be taken out to the woodshed and given a couple good whacks with a sledgehammer and a poke with an electric cattle prod, for good measure. The parents could, at least, put a sound-proof muzzle on that adorable, shrieking child-thing of theirs. I won't call it child abuse or call the authorities on you if you do it. If fact, I'll slip you a few bucks to go to the nearest pet store so you can pick one up. Who says I'm not a giver?

Bad service, if it is kept to a minimum, is something I can handle if it only happened once or twice during the dozens of times I've gone to a certain eatery. Cold food- the same way.

But this time something different happened. This time, I went to the buffet bar and brought back a plate of breaded shrimp and boy, did they look good- until I happened to notice a long black pube sticking out of the tail end of one of the shrimp. The slightly kinked hair was about 2 or 3 inches in length and it was in there, stuck very securely. I tried pulling it out, using a napkin and the damn thing wouldn't come out. Now, I know it wasn't mine. I have brown hair. And I know it wasn't another customer's. Who would, after all, take the time and trouble of plucking a single hair off their head and pushing it deep in between the shell end of the shrimp and the meat of it and then putting back into the tray with the rest of the shrimp?

Especially, when they would be easily caught by every other patron, scrambling around, dishing up food on their plates?

No, that mission would be too tough to accomplish.

Look closely at the pictures of the shrimp and questionable hair, click to zoom in and speculate amongst yourselves. This is a real detective's case here, I tell you. One for the books. I ended up wrapping the shrimp up in a napkin, took it home with me and photographed the evidence. I had to throw it away, not long afterwards, because the cat was trying to get at it to eat it and I didn't want him to gag and choke to death on the pubic hair. How would I explain that to the vet?

After all, I didn't want the vet to think I was forcing my schlong down into my cat's mouth and a pube came off and somehow lodged itself in his throat. You have to worry about things like that, you know.

I say the hair/culprit came from the kitchen where the Chinese cooks were cooking the food. I don't know for sure it was stuck firmly in the shrimp, intentionally and I'm not sure if it was a pubic hair, either. When I showed it to my wife, she gasped and then asked, "What is that?"

I said, "I think it's a pubic hair."

She replied, "Well that's gross, no matter which part of someone's body it came from."

I agreed.

Then we both laughed. Wifey asked if I was going to show it to the manager and I replied that I thought it wasn't worth it. The manager would probably think I put it there and the whole thing was too embarrassing to bring up. I'm sure it was an accident. I wasn't looking for a free meal on behalf of the manager or any other compensation that the manager might have given us. Being that this was the first time something like this had ever happened there, I let the matter drop.

Besides, it's not like I actually put the shrimp in my mouth. If I had, and discovered it rubbing against my tongue, I would have been incredibly pissed and went on a mad killing spree back in the kitchen. I would have bounded through the kitchen doors, unannounced. Throats would have been slit with sharp, handy knives. Screams would be heard throughout the dining area. And everybody would be sad. Except me. I would likely just be exhausted from all that hard work and need to drink some of that delicious green tea they have there to quench my thirst.

Perhaps it was an accident. Or perhaps, in a stretch of the imagination, a cook was mad at all of us American heifers, waddling our fat asses in the place and scarfing down rice rolls, dumplings, crab legs, Orange chicken and pubic hair shrimp.

Who knows? It gave me a topic to post about, anyway. That's the important thing.

24 comments:

LilPixi said...

I was dying about the muzzle.

That looks like a dang pubic hair alright. I found a long hair on the napkin holder at Fuddrucker's last week & almost gagged, but my food didn't look like it had maybe been stuck down somebody's pants.

Well, that sucks.

Donda said...

Shrimp is grody and so are pubes so I think I just threw up a little. I have the kid/noise sensitivity too. Seen and not heard!!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Would it make you feel better if Lucy Liu had been masturbating in the kitchen and one of her pubes fell in the batter?

klahanie said...

Ah, screaming kids and oblivious parents in restaurants, and well, anywhere, piss me right off.
I reckon you kinda' hoped it was a pubic hair and you've had a sneaky sniff. lol
I know what the 'secret sauce' is in a particular popular hamburger. And no, it aint mayonnnaise:-)
See ya dude....

The Wolf said...

Yeah I would have lost my shit if I saw that in my food. Accident or not somebody is gonna get cut for that.

MartyrMom said...

I can just hear it now...."I'm taking this shrimp home so I can make a blog about this hair. Where's the camera??" No wonder your wife kicks you off the 'puter!

I'd of called the manager. Totally uncalled for unless, of course, Lucy Liu WAS in the back masturbating with shrimp.

bazza said...

Hi Kelly. I reckon you would take the W.C. Fields view: "I like children but I couldn't eat a whole one".
My daughter found a tiny piece of plastic wrap (probably from a pre-packed cheese slice) in her cheeseburger at TGI Fridays.
You may have seen the Monty Python sketch where a guy complains in a restaurant and the chef comes to his table and commits suicide in front of him. Well, the reaction we got was only one step down from that.
They wouldn't take a penny from us, a family of four; they could not have been more apologetic although there were no suicides.
I said afterwards, "Next time I'm bringing my own piece of plastic with me"!

From the desk of the Most Honourable Sir Thomas Eagerly said...

Personally Kelly I'm hardly inbred at all and have all the usuaul number of apendages.
That restaurant should have a sign outside: "Eat at this restaurant and you'll never eat anywhere else again."
I say dine to your hearts content and don't worry about the calories and that kind of junk. After all, a gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch; do you know what I mean Kelly?

Kelly said...

LilPixi- We had a Fuddrucker's restaurant about 30 miles from here. The food sucked. We used to call it FudgePacker's. It closed down after a couple years.

Kelly said...

Donda- Shrimp is tasty to me as long as it doesn't come with pubes. I can't agree enough about the kids being seen and not heard comment. Sometimes, when they're butt-ugly enough, I'd rather not see them either. Especially when the little yard monkeys allow a long strand of snot dangle from their nostrils.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- As much as I wouldn't mind makin' the "beast with two backs" with Ms. Liu, I still wouldn't care for the taste of her pube. However, if she wanted to masturbate over my open mouth and let her juices drip down my throat, well, then, I guess I could accommodate her. :) I'm just not that into hair.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Hahaha... Me? Sneaky sniffing at the ol' pube? Color me blushing red, Gary! And hoping it was? Gosh, I was crossing my fingers and jerkin' off to the very thought. Not an easy task to do.

Are you trying to subtly tell me there be "Man Squeezins" on McDonald's Big Macs? lol. I'm beginning to think you're just as perverted as I am... But you know you can't top the king. :)

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Would you cut them where their pubes are? Or would you just slit their throats and go to McDonald's for a Big Mac, afterwards?

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- Actually, that is just the way it happened, MM. Except I knew exactly where the camera was. Sometimes the subject of a possible blog post just kind of presents itself that way. If it's either funny, weird or an example of societal craziness, then I'll be hankerin' to write about, matey. Ahoy!

About the wife and the 'puter. She doesn't really kick me off of it. :) But wifey sure as heck "guilt trips" me to death about it until I step away and focus 100% of my attention on her. And when I do, that's when she will get on her cell phone and text message people for a couple hours at a time. Then I "guilt trip" her. And around and round we go!

Gosh, marriage is fun! lol.

In regards to Lucy Liu masturbating with the shrimp, my response to you about that is the same as I had for Mr. G. Bananas up above. :) lol. Take care!

Kelly said...

bazza- That's about right, as far as the Fields' quote goes- except I could eat a whole one and cheerfully would- if I were hungry enough. I tell everyone that if they ever get stuck with me on a deserted island, without any obvious food source, they should consider themselves dead meat. Quicker than they can say, "Well, I wonder when we're going to be rescued" I will have already cracked the backs of their heads open with a blunt instrument and started dining on their flesh.

Hey, us diabetics can't go without food for very long, after all. :) At least that's my excuse, anyway.

What you said, after your daughter's cheese slice plastic experience, was funny. Glad she didn't get hurt by it. In reality world, I never want to see a child get hurt in any way. I just don't like being around them all that much. And I remember seeing that Monty Python sketch you talking about. I never laughed so hard. I used to watch them all the time. My kind of humor.

Kelly said...

Most Modest and Heck of a Guy, Sir Tom- Now when you say 'hardly inbred', which part of you are you suggesting that is inbred??? You've peeked my interest!

That sign you're talking about would likely have people thinking that the restaurant was so good that they would eat only there and not anywhere else again.

And I know exactly what you mean about the calories and the tart, Sir Thomas. I just don't care for the added calories a pubic hair would bring to the table. :)

Donda said...

You are probably going to catch hell for that ugly kid comment. With that said, you have to believe that people with ugly kids know this and would just use the drive-thru LOL Seafood still sucks!

Kelly said...

Donda- Yeah, I probably will... but it was worth it. :) I hope that people with butt-ugly rugrats will have the courtesy to use the drive- thru instead of bringing them inside. I don't want my appetite spoiled by their hideousness.

Seafood rocks! Unless it has a pube in it. :)

Donda said...

Just an FYI, you will never sell me on the awesomeness of nasty, slimy sea creatures!

Kelly said...

Donda- Gosh dang it!

klahanie said...

"Are you trying to subtly tell me there be "Man Squeezins" on McDonald's Big Macs? lol. I'm beginning to think you're just as perverted as I am... But you know you can't top the 'king'. :)"
'king' as in Burger King? Don't tell me they are using a special secret sauce in their 'Whopper'. Oh cum now lol
And, I reckon you shoved that shrimp down your trousers...:-)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Yes I did shove that shrimp down my trousers and furiously did I rub said shrimp against they pecker head until I spurteth baby gravy all over the restaurant patrons' happy faces.

Oh joyous wonder!

Oh cum now all ye faithful, joyful and full of cumfarts.

Good lordy, you're about as sick as me... And I mean that as some sort of twisted compliment, really. :) Take care.

Drama Queen said...

Wow. Okay first off..... EWWWWWWWWWW! I'm not a prissy bitch, but that would make me gag without a doubt. I probably wouldn't have said anything either, although I did once when I chomped down on glass or sand or whatever the crap that was in my McD's chicken sandwich. They actually said "do you want another one?". GAH WHAT? NO! I somehow got a replacement burger, and I haven't eaten any form of chicken there since.

Second, in reference to the screaming children - OH MY GAWD. I want to snag these little brats and smack them myself, since the parents obviously can't be bothered with such things. Usually though, I look at my own kids, point, and say "if you do that shit, I can guarantee you'll get your ass beat". I've even got an autistic child, and when he goes into meltdown mode, that kid goes to the car. I don't expect others to deal with that crap when they're trying to eat. Oh, and the little monsters running circles around my table...I'm SO tempted to trip them.

Anyway. Wow. Just eww. LOL.

Kelly said...

Drama Queen- I'm Lol at your EWWWWW reaction. It was rather sickening at first, though. I quickly put a napkin over it, then later wrapped in a second napkin to take it home with me for this blog post. Heh heh. I'm warped that way.

That's pretty damn bad about your own experience of chopping down on your McD's Chicken Glass burger. Don't blame you for not wanting another when offered. And it's beyond fucked up that they asked if you wanted another right after that. Maybe you should have asked if they would like to get punched in the throat. :)

It's good to hear you're the kind of parent that disciplines their children when they act that way in public. Kudos to you and I meant it! And bravo to you for being able to restrain yourself from tripping the lil' buggers. Ha ha. I'd be sorely tempted, too. I wonder why it is that the waitress/hostess always put the childless couples next to the table of families of screaming kids when you go to a restaurant. Can't they figure it out that part of the reason they don't have kids or that they leave 'em with a sitter is because they enjoy having a peaceful, quiet dinner once in awhile? Geesh.

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