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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Black Friday Stampedes

Ah, it's that time of year again. You can smell it in the air. Could that be Holiday Cheer?, you ask, naively. No, that isn't it Holiday Cheer, friends, neighbors and virtual pals o' mine. It the smell of huge corporations like Walmart and all the rest of the huge chains exercising their stranglehold on the public's addiction to material things with their horrific onslaught of Black Friday advertisements, urging everyone to cram into their store fronts and aisles, crushing one another during the annual American Consumer event.

There will be lines aplenty of the crazy, waiting outside the doors of these stores. Some idiots will be willing to stomp on a face or four to latch onto whatever they are getting a hard on (or if you're a woman- a wet on) for. Every year, it's on the news about someone getting crushed during the Black Friday event.

I really think it's a joke when some stores say they've taken the necessary steps to ensure public safety but they don't, really. A couple security guards at either store end isn't going to cut it. People will rush like rabid bulls. When I worked at Walmart for 3 years, all I could see that they were really making, instead of safety steps, were huge Christmas tree obstacles and sprawled out "consumer-unfriendly" displays of sale items to be put in the way of customers when they rushed. It's almost a guarantee that something stupid is going to happen.

Customers, overzealous and seething with madness to get a cheaper deal, will trample each other to get what they want. This is known, at least in America, as "Getting Into The Christmas Spirit".

Tomorrow morning, it is supposed to rain and snow around four in the morning. At that time, consumers will be lined up at the doors, colder than fuck and salivating at the chance to get their monkey paws on whatever shiny object will create euphoria for the moment. Could be the latest electronic whatchamicallit gadget. Could be a cheese grater/foot massager combination thingy. Who knows?


I think I'll get up in the morning just to get in the car, go to the stores and throw buckets of cold water on the lines and throngs of people. Couldn't be any worse than the usual "Christmas Spirit' exemplified.

Happy Holidays! Happy Spine Crushing! And don't forget to sodomize your fellow consumer with a broom handle for whatever it is you want at the store! Or bash in their skulls with a pretty snow globe with Santa in the center! Your choice. Spread the Holiday Cheer!

19 comments:

MartyrMom said...

What amazes me is that some one could want something so bad that they would fight a crowd for it.

I don't get it AT ALL....

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- Neither do I. There really are crazies in this world who would hurt anybody for anything... and that "anything" is something they'll usually lose interest in, not long after they latch onto it.

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
And all for the sake of a 'bargain'. I've witnessed such horror shows. Luckily, from a safe distance.
Unless, I mention the times I've been practically killed at the 'reduced price' section of my local supermarket. I mean, how dare I have the audacity to even contemplate getting something at a lower price.
And bargain, some bargain when you end up in hospital, consuming hospital meals, through a straw.
I do so hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays!
Kind wishes, Gary :-)

LilPixi said...

Have never in my life gone out on a black Friday. This year will be no different.

Fn funny as shit post, though. It's the running of the bulls. At least it doesn't surprise me anymore how much like apes we still are & always will be as humans. lol

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

I say Kelly old boy, how absolutely uncivilised! I think we should reclaim some of these old colonies and tame them. You know, send Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth ('Betty' to me and her friends) in to sort things out.
Up the Empire!

THE SNEE said...

OMG Kelly! We must be eating the same cheese! We were drawn to the same subject to "blahg" about. It's already 5:30AM and the doors of the stores opened at midnight. I hope I haven't missed my opportunity to buy that once and a lifetime turkey baster for 10% off the regular value. I heard that some stores are offering discounted tickets for front row seats to watch the stampede. Seriously though....scareeeeeee...

Kelly said...

klahanie- Good strategy with the 'safe distance'. You've been practically killed at your local supermarket? Damn. People are crazy. Too true about it not being a bargain if you wind up hurt. I would hate consuming my meal at a hospital. Their food is bad enough as it is without that added bonus.

I was almost killed at a supermarket, at the reduced items section, while reaching for a dented can of green beans but I may be exaggerating about that. Actually, the can was fine.

So far, I've barely survived 2 family Thanksgiving dinners. Only 1 more to go.

Happy Holidays, Gary! Take good care.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Very good thinking on your part, for sure. I've only done it once, as a customer. When I was in the middle of that mess, I vowed never to do it again. Too insane.

Thanks for the compliment. Apes... humans... both are pretty violent species. Makes ya think. Yeah, 'the running of the bulls'. lol. Other similar titles to the event...

"The running of the teeth gnashing imbeciles"

or

"The running of the crazed discount maniacs"

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- Come on over and civilize us Yanks, would you please? Send The Queen or your other queen, Elton John and get us guys as "civilized" as the British Empire. lol. That's funny. Take care, Sir Tom.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- I'm praying hard for you, SNEE, that you are able to attain said turkey baster at the unbelievable 10% off regular value. :)

Yeah, discounted tickets would be better than swell for witnessing such a show. Well, we're figuring out all sorts of wonderful ways to make a buck off greed and stupidity, aren't we? hahaha.

Yeah, I see on my blogroll to the right, you're doing a blog about the same subject too. I think we are eating the same cheese. :) I'll be over to comment on yours soon. Take care.

bazza said...

Hi Kelly, I had never heard of Black Friday but luckily my Canadian cousins are staying with me at the moment and explained how the Americans are a bit loopy sometimes.
Blimey, I can almost feel myself agreeing with Sir Tom. Help!

Kelly said...

Hi Bazza- Hey, I believe you told me you have a cousin in the U.S.too. Do you ever talk with them about loopy American stuff like this? lol. I've heard that some other countries do the "rush around and trample thing", too. But I'm not naming names. tee hee.

As far as bringin' the Queen and her special "taming of the Americans" forces over to this here mess of "colonies"... I don't think it would do a darn bit of good. We're just too far gone. :) And don't start agreeing with Sir Tom... You'll make people think you're big on the booze or suffering from delirium... heheh.

Take care, my friend. Hope all is well where you're at.

bazza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bazza said...

What I didn't tell you before Kelly is that my cousin in Lexington is a professional psychic with his own syndicated radio show! I think maybe he's a bit loopy.
Keep well my friend.

Kelly said...

Bazza- That's interesting about your cuz in Lexington being a professional psychic with a radio show. How many people can say they say they have one of those in the family? Heh heh.

Take care.

Terry said...

Who is smarter, a rocket scientist or a marketeer?
-A rocket scientist can put a man on the moon.
- A marketeer can put a thousand people in line at 5am outside every Walmart in the country to buy socks.

You decide.

Kelly said...

Terry- I would still say the rocket scientist is smarter. The Walmart marketeer is just clever enough to lure loads of gullible people to "buy socks" at 5am.

That's my take on it. Thank you for your comment and question, Terry. Very good. Take care.

Drama Queen said...

Holy shit dude. Makes me glad I had a flat tire that entire day. Not that I got up before 11am, but still. Screw all that, I will NOT go shopping on Black Friday. Its got that name for a reason, ya know?

Kelly said...

Drama Queen- Lol. I don't blame you a teensy bit for not getting out amongst the crazies. Fuck that all to hell! Hope the flat didn't ruin your entire day. Take care!

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