With as much delight as I can possibly muster, I, Mr. Checkers, reporting the latest news on behalf of Internet sensation, PSYCHO CARNIVAL, am here to inform the public of news and information that really matters a great deal. Hold onto your hats, folks, it's going to be an awfully exciting ride.
* The meat found in food items at Taco Bell restaurants may not be entirely made of ground beef. Astonished, say you? Gosh. Who would have thought? If this seems shocking to you, wait until you read the next tidbit of news. Are you still waiting? Well, stop it and move along, please.
* Cigarettes should not be smoked. They are made of tobacco and poison. Instead, use these cancer sticks as decorative birthday candle casings or tools for magic tricks. Click this link to learn more non-hazardous usages for cigarettes and amaze your friends.
* Hot dogs should not be used for pleasuring your vagina or butt hole. Accidents may occur.Danger, Will Robinson!
* Not long ago, a 93 year old gangster by the name of John "Sonny" Franzese, was sent to prison for eight years. Mr. Checkers has heard of a lot of dumb shit in his time, but this takes the cake and the frosting, too. Why not execute "Sonny" right now? He's not going to live much longer, anyway and it will save the taxpayers a little money by depriving him room and board, courtesy of the rest of us. I say we send the old fucker on his non stop, well-earned journey to hell. Judging by his horrendous crimes, he's had reservations for a seat in the eternal inferno for quite some time.
* I, Mr. Checkers, wants all of you to know that the Great Mystery of The Burned Up Piano On A Sandbar has finally been solved. What a relief! So many have wondered about this amazing, phenomenal event- that it almost made the equally exciting news about Snooki seem tame and not very newsworthy and stuff. It just so happens that a teenager, with obviously a lot of time on his hands, put the fucked up piano on a Miami sandbar because he hoped it might get him into a prestigious art school. It might even get him laid by a smitten admirer of his "artistic" handiwork. Who knows? In any case, Mr. Checkers says, "Good job, dumb ass!"
* Speaking of getting laid... Mr. Checkers is proud to report that he is a member of a species that apparently believes that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster and get down to business. According to this tantalizing, important news item from Reuters, in the heat of passion, some people just can't get enough of their digital devices. As a matter of fact, Mr. Checkers predicts that manufacturers will soon be equipping their i Pads, cell phones and other electronic thingamajigs with small, yet convenient, pocket pussies and Venus Butterflies for those who are unable to find a love connection by "dickering around" with their ordinary beloved electronic doodads. This type of ingenious thinking has already started to take place, in fact. See here!
This is all that I, Mr. Checkers, has for you now, in regards to news worth knowing about. Tune in next time for more excitement you can't live without and stuff you'll lose sleep over. For more news and information on the downward spiral and insanity our human race celebrates and enjoys, just look around or watch TV or go out in public. The PSYCHO CARNIVAL of life is out there and in here for you to partake, revel in and completely lose what's left of your mind.