This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mr. Checkers Informs The Public

With as much delight as I can possibly muster, I, Mr. Checkers, reporting the latest news on behalf of Internet sensation, PSYCHO CARNIVAL, am here to inform the public of news and information that really matters a great deal. Hold onto your hats, folks, it's going to be an awfully exciting ride.

* The meat found in food items at Taco Bell restaurants may not be entirely made of ground beef. Astonished, say you? Gosh. Who would have thought? If this seems shocking to you, wait until you read the next tidbit of news. Are you still waiting? Well, stop it and move along, please.

* Cigarettes should not be smoked. They are made of tobacco and poison. Instead, use these cancer sticks as decorative birthday candle casings or tools for magic tricks. Click this link to learn more non-hazardous usages for cigarettes and amaze your friends.

* Hot dogs should not be used for pleasuring your vagina or butt hole. Accidents may occur.Danger, Will Robinson!

* Not long ago, a 93 year old gangster by the name of John "Sonny" Franzese, was sent to prison for eight years. Mr. Checkers has heard of a lot of dumb shit in his time, but this takes the cake and the frosting, too. Why not execute "Sonny" right now? He's not going to live much longer, anyway and it will save the taxpayers a little money by depriving him room and board, courtesy of the rest of us. I say we send the old fucker on his non stop, well-earned journey to hell. Judging by his horrendous crimes, he's had reservations for a seat in the eternal inferno for quite some time.

* I, Mr. Checkers, wants all of you to know that the Great Mystery of The Burned Up Piano On A Sandbar has finally been solved. What a relief! So many have wondered about this amazing, phenomenal event- that it almost made the equally exciting news about Snooki seem tame and not very newsworthy and stuff. It just so happens that a teenager, with obviously a lot of time on his hands, put the fucked up piano on a Miami sandbar because he hoped it might get him into a prestigious art school. It might even get him laid by a smitten admirer of his "artistic" handiwork. Who knows? In any case, Mr. Checkers says, "Good job, dumb ass!"

* Speaking of getting laid... Mr. Checkers is proud to report that he is a member of a species that apparently believes that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster and get down to business. According to this tantalizing, important news item from Reuters, in the heat of passion, some people just can't get enough of their digital devices. As a matter of fact, Mr. Checkers predicts that manufacturers will soon be equipping their i Pads, cell phones and other electronic thingamajigs with small, yet convenient, pocket pussies and Venus Butterflies for those who are unable to find a love connection by "dickering around" with their ordinary beloved electronic doodads. This type of ingenious thinking has already started to take place, in fact. See here!

This is all that I, Mr. Checkers, has for you now, in regards to news worth knowing about. Tune in next time for more excitement you can't live without and stuff you'll lose sleep over. For more news and information on the downward spiral and insanity our human race celebrates and enjoys, just look around or watch TV or go out in public. The PSYCHO CARNIVAL of life is out there and in here for you to partake, revel in and completely lose what's left of your mind.



Gorilla Bananas said...

Well, you've got to admit there is something sexual about the way a mobile phone pulsates when a new text message arrives. Is it safe to smoke a cigarette up your butthole? You can get your butthole to inhale by farting as hard as you can. It sucks in some air after the final expulsion of gas.

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly,

I heard about the "where's the beef" fiasco at Taco Bell. It followed the breaking news story on "where's the maple" in McDonald's fruit and maple oatmeal. Vermont has it's maple sugar undies in a bunch about this one. Then, there's the addicting bath salts which are not just for a relaxing bath, but are apparently good for snorting. Is nothing sacred!

I LMAO with the alternative safe uses for cigarettes. I really, really appreciate the giggle Kelly. Thanks, I needed that, especially since bath salts are purportedly now hazardous to my health. I have to have some way to clean out my busy mind.

Greg said...

That was great the non-smioking uses for cigarettes. My wife being a smoker didn't think they were legitimate uses.

There's only one use for a cigarette!

We're going to waste a lot of tax payer money on that mob boss, why not kill him, then again maybe he'll get some of what he dished out to that waitress in prison?

LilPixi said...

THAT....was a freaking CLASSIC news report!! lmao.

I'll be clicking those links now, and possibly medicating myself directly afterward.

I have to admit, initially, when I saw Mr. Checkers was involved here, I immediately got a lil upset I had no psychedelics on hand.

LilPixi said...

Btw, my good friend, there is an award waiting for you at my blog, on the new "Blog Gems" page.

I know it's one we've seen before, but you gotta know I couldn't help myself on returning the gesture. ;~}

Do with it what you will, but it's there with your name on it. =)

MartyrMom said...

Cigarettes are made of tobacco?? Do tell!

Text ME!! Text ME!!!

klahanie said...

Hello Mr. Checkers,
Yes, it's me Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star. I do guest posts over that idiot 'klahanie's site.
I think this is really nifto neato that you have guest posted on behalf of that legend and internet sensation, 'Psycho Carnival'. Klahanie, the guy I allow to live with me, says that this is a really cool site chock full of really important facts and deeply philosophical stories n' stuff. It's really nice that you keep up the tradition, Mr. Checkers.
That last picture? Would the caption be, 'you can tuna fish, but you can't tuna piano'? 'Arf, arf, n' stuff!'
Bye Mr. Checkers. I'm off to check out the fascinating profile updates on 'Farcebook'. Klahanie says that Psycho Carnival dude is on there and he lets all his adoring fans know about the latest happenings in his zany world. Such, as 'I'm awesome, thus yee must all worship me and send me loads of money and lustful babes n' stuff!'
Bye Mr. Checkers :-)
Pawsitive wishes Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star. 'Arf, arf! n' stuff'

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Some women enjoy the vibrations of the washing machine. The cell phone thing is something I've suggested that the wife do while I'm away. And yes, for you, it is perfectly safe to stick a cigarette, bottle rocket, M80 or firecrackers up your bum and light 'em up. I've never tried that butt hole trick you're describing but it sounds fascinating.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- I didn't know there was a McDonald's oatmeal maple syrup scandal in the works. Gosh, I'm missing out on all the important news again. Bath salts for snorting. Well, gee, I'll have to try that one and see if it clears my sinuses out. Thanks for that tidbit of info! The salts might even clean out my mind, as well. I've been told it's kind of dirty.

Glad you liked the 'alternative safe uses for cigarettes' info. Not only was it funny, but a few ideas might even be practical for some folks. Who knows? Take care, Rebecca and have a great weekend.

Kelly said...

Greg- There's only one use for a cigarette? No way! I've been making a sweaters out of my cigs. Oddly enough, my sweaters tend to fall apart in the rain. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I couldn't agree with you more on the wretched old mob boss. If they're going to stick the bastard into a prison for what's left of his deplorable life, he should get the same treatment he gave that waitress.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Glad you liked all the news that was fit to print. Funny what you said about having 'no psychedelics on hand' after seeing the sight of good ol' Mr. Checkers. I would have "medicated" myself while writing it all out (it couldn't have hurt) but my cupboards are completely empty.


I want to say a big THANK YOU for the LOL Award and the kind comments on your blog. You're too nice. It really made my day. I've received this award once before -but that's not going to stop me from posting about it and putting it on my blog, while giving you a shout out for bestowing it upon my great and modest self. Take care and have a dandy as candy weekend!

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- I know. It's like a newsflash or something. I'll be sure to text you (not that I know how) whenever I have more fantastical breaking news to tell.

Stay tuned!

Btw, "Soylent Green is PEOPLE!"

Kelly said...

klahanie- Hello Penny, the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star. Yes, this is Mr. Checkers speaking on behalf of the great and modest Kelly. I sincerely hope that peculiar Gary fella has been treating you well, dear Penny and hasn't been dressing you up, lately, in fancy princess costumes like he sometimes does. I imagine how embarrassing that can be for a sophisticated canine like yourself when venturing out and socializing with all the other neighborhood dogs. Your owner couldn't be more correct about the philosophical gobbledygook and meaningful news that is displayed on this award-winning site.

Oh what a wonderful and hilarious joke that was that you told about the tuna playing the piano. I will keep it in mind when I go to the next "bored" meeting. Oh ha ha- Oh ha ha. Tell Gary to keep worshiping the ever-fantastical Kelly and send him those busty nymphs as quickly as possible. Kelly has primal cravings that are badly in need of satiating.

Take care, Penny and don't let that naughty Gary put you into any of those strange costumes.

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