This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Weeeee! A Versatile Blogger Award

Hooray! Another blog award! It's a time for celebration, jubilation and ejaculation, for sure. This award was given to me by The Wolf, blog author of The S.N.A.F.U. Report and Beyond The Wire, to name just a few. He received this award the other day. Thanks, Wolf, for giving it to me, as well! It's an honor. And I promise not to let it go to my head. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm a glutton for praise. Now... All must bow before me, proclaim me your god and give me your virgin womenfolk. Pronto!

And don't forget to flagellate yourselves every time you speak my good name.

Why?

Because I think it would be funny. That's why. Don't question your god!

Unfortunately, like many blog awards that are given these days, this award comes with certain rules. And I, like The Wolf, before me, will follow only the ones I feel like following. I hate goddamn rules, after all. They really get in the way of having a good time.

THE FUCKING RULES:

1. Thank those who gave you the award....Check.

2. Share seven things about yourself.... Haven't yet, but I'll do that here in a few minutes after I take a nice dump.

3. Present this to 15 other bloggers you follow... Like The Wolf, I'm gonna give it to everyone on my blogroll and for those whose buttons I have on my site... You know who you are. If you don't, take a goddamn look to your right, in case you're suffering from temporary brain damage at the moment. You're welcome.
Now, as far as me sharing 7 different things about myself, I'll try to give that one a shot. Since I don't like being redundant on sharing things I've already mentioned on my charming blog, I'm going to have to do my damnedest to come up with some new awe-inspiring info about yours truly. This may prove difficult since I believe I've exposed almost every dirty little secret about myself (except the fact I've got a hairy ass) on this website so far but here goes...

#1- I got married August 11, 1989- and I'm still married. Before that, we lived together "in sin" for a couple years. We had to try each other out, after all. Heh heh. Can you believe somebody has tolerated my delightful, bewitching self for 23 freaking years- all total? She has a ton of patience. And I'm a prick.

#2- My friends once made a list of crimes I've committed during during my lifetime and the total came to thirty-seven (no shit). A few were lame, like jaywalking, or some shit, but quite a few were not so lame. Don't ask me to detail what was on that list. I forget and it disappeared when I moved. Either that or I burned it up. lol.

#3- I played with G.I. Joe dolls (ahem... I mean action figures) and Hot Wheels cars until I was ten years old. It was either a choice of playing with those things or playing with the Hogston boys (our only neighbors) that lived down the gravel road from us or the toys I mentioned. The neighbor boys enjoyed fucking their dogs and drinking each other's pee. I think I chose wisely, myself.

#4- I wrote a poem about twenty years ago that was published in a book entitled "World Treasury of Great Poems- Volume 2". The poem I submitted was called "Runner". Here it is:

Runner

Dreams of a better plan
Can sometimes go unnoticed
Schemes of modern man
Always eager to go fast forward

Like a temperamental child
What society wants now is what we get
Fill our needs
Hand them over

Why is progress such a race?
Is quicker truly better?
Why is there 'no time to waste'?
The runner must not stumble
Why the pressure to keep
This fitful pace
To a soul-wrenching fate?

Perhaps we should stop and feel
Not let reason always rule over heart
Maybe escape those constant rules of the race
Before it tears us apart

Like an unstable world
We push caring to the sidelines
Only to get ahead-
To get further from the heart

#5- I'm not bragging or whatever but I have read and own close to 600 books on every subject you can imagine and likely not imagine. My interests are extremely varied. I began writing long stories when I was five. And I was a quiet, well behaved kid until my junior year in high school- then I got pretty wild. Started going to a lot of parties and so on. One day, during lunch break in high school, I stuck a fork in somebody's head. My wildness got a lot worse in my twenties.

#6- At a friend's bachelor party, I watched a very drunk stripper shove a dozen hard boiled eggs into her vagina and proceeded "to lay" them, carefully, one by one, into each of our big glass mugs of beer. Later, her other disappearing tricks included shoving a 21 inch bull whip and a 15 inch zucchini into her coochie. Not at the same time, mind you. For me, the demonstration was kind of educational (what she was able to take in and squeeze out of herself) and it really showed all of us guys how a woman can get such a big round thing like a baby and it's bulbous freakin' head out of her gaping twat. What a night that was. And I'm just giving you a few details. :)

#7- My flaws:
I've got a horrible temper
I'm impatient most of the time
I'm forgetful
I sometimes allow my depression to hold me down or tear me apart
I sometimes think that the good lord placed cripples and retards on this Earth to cheer us up a bit.
I'm incredibly cynical.
My penis could be bigger.
No matter how well I think I've proofread something I've written, I will invariably screw something up.
---------------------------------------------------------
My good qualities:

I'm highly imaginative and creative (this could be a bad thing in the wrong hands... tee hee)
I'm a great listener and I only give advice when asked (I believe it is arrogant to give unasked for advice and despise it when others try it with me).
If you are my friend, I will always be there for you and help you. If you are my enemy, you don't even fucking exist.
I am always kind to animals, unless they bite me (then they will be crushed).
I try to be a better human being. It's difficult when you're surrounded by assholes and idiots.
I'm a loving husband.

Well gang, that's really all I can think of for now. It's getting late and I have to get some sleep. Take care. Be well. And all that rot. Ha ha.

19 comments:

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

I say! You are supremely talented, are you not?
But wait! I've only got your word for that. I hope you will still reply to us lesser mortals now you have been elevated to the summit of blogging supremecy. Congrats, old boy!

The Wolf said...

Thanks for the shout out....but bow down FUCK THAT SHIT, you'd have to break my knee caps for that to happen.

Sounds like that stripper should teach sex-ed.....either that or smuggle drugs or African conflict diamonds

klahanie said...

Hello Kelly,
A well deserved shout out for you receiving this highly prized and cherished award. Make sure you give it a good rub, every once in a while. The award that is.
I hate all the rules that go with these awards. I must agree that to hell with the rules and just do what you want with them.
I'm thinking of making up my own award to pass on to worthy recipients. Not sure what it will be called. Something like 'The fuck you Jack, I'm okay Award'.
I think living 'in sin', first, makes good sense. To put it crudely, you wouldn't by a car without test driving it first.
I think you are a very talented and like the award notes, versatile chap. I have been told you can lick your eyebrows and that makes the babes very pleased.
Congrats on the award and thanks for sharing with us your many and varied talents and experiences.
Must go now and take a massive dump. Cheerio, old chap:-)

Dark Slander said...

Congrats on yet another, I'm still trying to pick myself off the floor after hearing that date you dropped.

You're a wee bit older than I had thought, does this mean I get to call your nicknames like "Geezer" and "Viagra"?

One of The Guys said...

I loved reading what you wrote about yourself. Interesting stuff. I think people are fascinating, and you're certainly no exception.

And great poem by the way!!

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- Yes, I am supremely talented. One of my unique talents involves balancing a watermelon on my prick during Sunday family picnics.

Warning: Don't try this at home. I nearly killed a baby doing this last week. Now we call him MelonHead.

Not to worry... I will always find time in my busy career as a god to repond to lesser mortals. I'm just great that way. And thanks, Tom.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Oh come on... Bow down. It'll be fun. lol. You're welcome about the shout out.

Those are great ideas you had for that stripper. She could easily have smuggled anything in that coochie. Candy bars. Grand piano. You name it. After the show she put on that glorious night, I gave her the nickname, "The Walking Suitcase".

Kelly said...

klahanie- Well, I'm rubbing it already and have been. It's been getting rather sore and blistery, though. Kinda painful. Oh... You're talking about the award. Well, that too.

The 'Fuck you, Jack, I'm Okay Award" does sound catchy.

Regarding marriage... You know how some single folks say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"... Well, I happened to love my prized Wifey, not a livestock creature, so much that I just had to "buy her"--scratch that--MARRY HER--before somebody else got her milk. That's how much I like her 'milk'--scratch that--I mean lovin'.

Yes I'm very tongue-talented, Gary. I can make the womenfolk sing the high notes so loud they break glass. Which can be sort of expensive since I've had to replace all the windows in the place dozens of times.

Thanks for the congrats, dude. Hope you enjoyed your massive dump, ol' chap. I must go now, myself. I suddenly have a craving for milk. Take care.

Kelly said...

Dark Slander- Yep, I'm officially OLD. But Gary, I'm happy to report, is even older. For the record, I'm 46. Does that freak ya out? lol. And you can call me "Geezer", "Viagra" or "The King of Good Taste" but whatever you do... Don't call me late for dinner.

Kelly said...

One of The Guys- Thanks, Guy! Is this Sai I'm speaking to? I think it usually is. I sincerely thank you for the 'fascinating' and 'great poem' comments. Take care and I'll be by your blog soon. I still owe you a "father story" and haven't forgotten.

Mr. Stupid said...

That's a well deserved award. Congrats Kelly. I played with G.I. Joe action figures too. Though, I hope it was under ten years. That way I beat you. Yay!
That's a great poem. Awesome post, Kelly...:)

Kelly said...

Mr. Stupid- Thanks, friend. Heh heh. So you played with G.I. Joes, too, eh? At least we didn't play with Barbie dolls, huh? Our toys were more manly. :)

Take care. I'll be by your site soon to check out your latest post.

Olivia said...

"I try to be a better human being. It's difficult when you're surrounded by assholes and idiots."

agreed.

poetry on the other hand.. I leave that to the melodramatic angsty teenagers.

Kelly said...

Thanks for stopping by, Olivia. It warms my soul that you agree with that statement. I have no comment on the other, regarding poetry. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the award!!! I could have added a lot more stuff to your list about yourself. I've known you your entire life. But, I'll be nice and not tell all of your dirty little secrets. 'Cause you are my favorite nephew. Actually you're my only "blood" nephew, but a damn good one!
Aunty Kay

Kelly said...

Thanks, Aunty Kay. Oh, I know you could add a lot more, for certain. I'm glad you're not adding anymore. You have some good dirt on me. Heh heh.

And that was sweet what you said about me being your 'only' favorite nephew. Tee hee. Seriously, though, you're my favorite aunt but I can't say I have only ONE aunt. There is that evil one, whose name is not worth mentioning, and that one I hardly ever see that lives up north.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

It's actually kind of "north-west" so I refer to it as the "Wicked Witch of the West" along with many other affectionate terms.

I'm sure you have some DIRT on old Aunty Kay, too. Certainly grateful that you don't post any of that stuff. So I'll close by saying that you would be my favorite nephew no matter if I had 100!

Kelly said...

Aunty Kay- No, the one up north I hardly see is Aunt Sharon, Dad's sister. She's always been nice.

The evil one I was referring to, is Karla, of course. And yeah, she certainly deserves the title you've given her, although I'd replace the word 'Witch' with Bitch.

And I thank you for saying that last statement. You're sweet.

Anonymous said...

What's the useless skin around the vagina called?

The woman.

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