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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Toadie in "Haunted Bordello" (Part 1)

Sure, I'm a little late with this Halloweenish type post entry... but do I care? Fuck no! My advice is to sit back, read this fine wholesome tale of insanity and mayhem and hold tight.

But before you jump in with both feet, you may want to check out this link and this link to bring you up to speed with this post, Toadie's latest adventure.

Toadie, a semi-retarded man and his girlfriend, Valerie, decided to move in together when they got back to Chicago after their "Christmas Trip" adventure. No longer was the 34 year old man under the care of his friends, Maggie and Rufus, though they did go to Valerie's apartment to see how he was doing every so often. They were, in fact, happily surprised to find that their younger cousin and somewhat dim-witted friend were moving along in their relationship to the point of being engaged to be married.

Then one morning...

Shaking the sleeping brunette from her sleep, Toadie leaned in close to his girlfriend's face and excitedly exclaimed, "Toadie wants to go on another road trip!"

Valerie, startled, opened her eyes and punched Toadie in the face, causing him to flip over the side of the bed and onto the floor. Toadie quickly got to his feet and much like an over-stimulated pet in dire craving for attention, he got back onto the bed.

Toadie said, "Toadie knows what Valerie wants for breakfast this morning."

Slightly annoyed but still curious, Valerie opened her eyes again and saw Toadie's impressive penis staring her in the face. Even though they had been fucking, quite frequently, since coming back home, she still couldn't believe how ginormous Toadie's dick was when was he hard. The only part of Toadie's anatomy that could equal the impressiveness of his schlong was his lengthy tongue; which gave Valerie many pleasurable, memorable experiences.

Valerie reached out and pulled Toadie's wang closer to her mouth. Just before taking it in, she looked at her lover's face and asked, "You're giving me the big sausage, again?" Toadie smiled and then said, "Only the best for my loving, gentle petunia ."

After Toadie and Valerie did the ol' "bump n' grind", the couple discussed taking another road trip. Toadie's normally successful methods of persuasion often left Valerie satisfied and bug-eyed.

A week later, the couple drove out onto the highway and set a course for Arizona. Along the way, they stopped at a diner for a quick lunch before heading back out onto the road. During the course of their lunch, Toadie looked up from his plate of food and watched what was happening on a television in the back corner wall. Valerie peered up from her burger to see Henry Paulson, in an interview, berating a reporter for bringing unwelcome facts to viewers and making him appear to be an unsympathetic bastard.

The former US Treasury Secretary and CEO of Goldman Sachs pointed toward the reporter and said, "The more accurate reason behind the Occupy Wall Street protest is that the majority of the poor and unemployed in this country are envious of the upper class. They want what the wealthier citizenry in this nation have- but since they don't feel they should put the effort forth to attain a better life for themselves, they will, instead, attend these radical protests in the hopes of swaying government decisions."

The reporter inquired, "So you don't feel that one possible reason behind the "Occupy" protests could be that the people are angry that the government is being influenced and manipulated by banks, corporations and the powerful one percent in America?"

Henry Paulson smirked for a second and then whispered, "The bottom feeders are just joining in the fray of this desperate act of futility instead of attempting to find employment."

The reporter asked, "What was that?"

Paulson said, loud enough to be heard, "I believe there are certain members of society who feel disenfranchised because of the current state of our economy."

Toadie leaned far to one side and butt burped a long, aromatic fart that wafted in the air and was inhaled by several elderly people in a nearby booth. The geriatrics suddenly clutched their throats and chests. George, an old gentleman sitting on the outside half of the booth, mumbled a short prayer before exclaiming, "Something is amiss!"

At that, George's head plopped down in a bowl of oatmeal. Important Information: The oatmeal was flavored with cinnamon powder and tiny, organically grown chunks of naturally sweet Granny Smith apples.

The old man in the oatmeal bowl laboriously exhaled, which produced from his mouth a bubble made of a combination of warm oats and two percent milk (and let's not forget those delicious apples!).

When Valerie and Toadie paid their bill, they returned to the car and drove into the state of Arizona. Their destination was the Grand Canyon. But after an hour of driving they became lost and confused. The joint they began smoking upon passing the state line might have had something to do with it. Who knows? I mean, it's not like I know the story or something.

Eventually, Val and Toadie completely went off the beaten track and wound up in a ghost town. Now, if you had been paying attention to the more northern portion of this blog post, you will have noticed a blog post title- which would, of course, given you a clue as to where this most amazing story was leading.

Ahem... and stuff.

Toadie and Val slowly drove into the long abandoned town. You could almost hear the eerie music in the background, but not quite, because Val had a radio station on that was playing Alternative music set at high volume. Toadie cocked his head and saw a few doors to old wooden shops and a saloon slam open and shut. He thought this odd because the air was still.

As they stopped in the middle of the small old western town in order to back up and turn around, the car made a chugging noise and then shook a little. Valerie looked down at her dashboard. The car had run out of gas. They sat there for a few moments, quiet in thought. The sun gradually made it's decent behind some far away mountains in the desert. Saguaro cacti covered most of the area they were in.

Toadie got out of the car and convinced himself that it was a good idea to go into one of the vacant buildings to search for anything that could help them. Valerie went into what was once a saloon and bordello. In the days of the Old West, this bordello had employed a dozen or so prostitutes. A woman by the name of Annie was the Madam of the place. She was a beautiful blonde haired, good-natured woman who had sucked many a cowboy off back in the day. It was rumored she had fallen in love with a cowboy named Joe.

When Toadie went past a wall in the saloon, he shook his head, curious and surprised at who he thought he saw in an old picture hanging on the wall. He took his key light out of his pocket, shined it toward the picture and upon closer inspection, he remembered seeing the people in the old photograph.

Stayed tuned for part two of this enchanting tale.

Hocus Pocus and Presto Change-o.  Here's the link for Part 2 of this stimulating, educational yarn.  :) 

10 comments: said...

Funny, that 'sausage for breakfast' line never works on MY girlfriend...

Totally jealous. And can't wait for part 2.

LilPixi said...

Doh!! I hate waiting!

Will flashbacks of Toadie's cross dressing haunt him?

Will Valerie have sex with the ghost of Old Man McGee?

The suspense!! :D

Kelly said... It may help to use that 'sausage' line after painting a heart and the words "LOVE YOU FOREVER" with your penis on the bedroom wall.

I'm jealous, too, because the head on Toadie's meat pole is the size of a baseball. Part 2 should be coming up in a day or two. :)

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Uh oh... sorry for the wait. While waiting for part 2, please enjoy a complimentary margarita in our lobby.

A. for Q.1... It sounds like you know Toadie better than even I. :)

A. for Q.2... Not only does Val do the wild thing with Old Man McGee- but she takes on an entire tribe of ghost Indians and boy is she sore in the morning. And one of those Indians accidentally leaves a tomahawk in her hoo hoo, too.

I'm very happy you came by to comment, LilPixi. <3 and farts.

Pickleope said...

I assume part 2 will be a musical. The little details like "organically grown chunks of Granny Smith apples" were great. Especially when those little plot points paid off. You did submit this to the New Yorker, didn't you?

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Lol... Yes, part two will be a musical. You must be reading my mind. And since you are, you already know that the cast of Jersey Shore, The Housewives of Wherever and all the rest of these insipid, reality show Hollywood star wannabes will be raped, with gusto, by Winnie The Pooh and all of his friends in the Hundred Acre Woods.

Glad you enjoyed the details of this mighty fine piece of classic type American literature. And no, not the New Yorker. I submitted it to Oprah's mag and Oprah just loved it.

Alphabeta said...

Oooh... suspense...

Kelly said...

Alphabeta- Ohhh... I can't wait to see what my brilliant mind comes up with next. gosh.

THE SNEE said...

YAY! It's a KELLY SPECIALTY NOVEL! I'm late peeping in, but see that Toadie is at it again. Do you think he could use his special methods of persuasion on Congress to perhaps change the dismal state of affairs in this country? With all the secret inclinations in government, who might appreciate his assets?

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Once again, I'm horribly late in responding. By now, you've likely thought me a complete and utter bastard.

Yes, we need Toadie in Congress. I agree. His rants on how we should regulate business and banks in this country might inspire some in Congress and elsewhere to take action. I doubt it... but it's worth a try.

I'm going to try, once again, to get back into the blogging biz. I've had so many false starts getting back in the game that it's getting beyond ridiculous. Somebody needs to whip me across the back with a big candy cane to motivate me.

Thanks for your comment, Rebecca.

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