This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Tag, Bag and Interrogate

Blog pal, Gary, from Klahanie, recently tagged me for a survey. I guess some bloggers would be slightly perturbed by the tagging thing but I'm not. For one, I've had writer's block for awhile now and this gives me the opportunity to write about something. And two, this survey gives me the chance to express my delightful opinions and write about my favorite subject... ME!

God, who can't get enough of sweet, wonderful ME? I'm the darling of the blogging world or something, after all.

Immediately following this question and answer fest, I have "tagged" four other unsuspecting bloggers who will surely thank me and send me gifts that may give off peculiar aromas and stuff. Like Gary, I also have thoughtfully included the 19 survey questions, separately from my given answers, so these lucky bloggers can just cut and paste them onto their own blogs. How convenient! Gosh, I'm better than swell! Anyways, here ya go...

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

I see my cat, Victor, as an animal and a member of the family, as opposed to seeing him as a furry four legged tea kettle and a member of the United Square Dancers of America organization. Out of all the cats I've had in my 47 years on this rock, and I've had quite a few, I think I regard Victor as a close member of the family because my Mom named him (and really liked him) only months before she passed away. After she died, Victor gave me a lot of comfort just by snuggling up to me or lying on my lap when I was suffering through my deepest depression moments. It seemed to me that he sensed these feelings and still does.

With that said, though, the little bastard will still cross my path in the morning, shortly after getting out of bed, causing me to trip, fall and almost crack my head on the toilet as I attempt to take my morning piss. (More on this important information later)

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

That people would wise up and realize that we're destroying the environment, take real action to find and implement the use of alternative clean sources of energy and stand up for the truth of what's wrong in our society instead of cowering behind excuses to not "make waves" and help resolve the critical issues we face today. I'm not sure you could call that a "dream", however. I would say it's more like a fantasy. Like something akin to a fairy tale involving unicorns being ridden by cross-eyed leprechauns or suddenly seeing a politician do something that wasn't self serving.


3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Oh shit! I'm only allowed to pick just one? I can't make a list? Well, that doesn't seem fair, so, of course, I'm must break the rules. To name just a few things I hate most, I'll go with:

*Conformity
*Greed
*Racism
*Destruction of the environment
*Sexism
*War
*Lies that do real damage
*Wave after wave of snowstorms
*Stealing
*Texting
*Bullies
*Close mindedness
*The continuous, uninterrupted screeching of undisciplined children
*People who talk about the same old boring things, knowing that they're boring the shit out of you and yet they still keep talking. There was a time I put up with this behaviour. Now, I make up an obvious lame excuse to leave their company or hang up on them. My time is too valuable. If you feel you have to talk that much about nothing, go talk to a wall.
*People who have too many children, without regarding the consequences
*And people who try too hard to give their offspring cutesy, clever and slightly differently spelled popular names in order to give the insinuation that their little rug rats are unique just because of the cutesy and clever name they have bestowed upon them.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Honestly, I would keep a sizable portion of it for my wife and I and hide a lot of it away. I might go on a trip around the world and buy a new car. I'm not much into owning material things but there are some things we really need. I would also donate a good chunk of it toward finding a real solution to our fossil fuel dependency problem and give the rest to charities. I'm neither a saint or a greedy asshole.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Watching comedy shows like Family Guy, Tosh.O and more. Truly interesting science, documentary or history shows will distract me enough to pull me out of a bad funk. Of course, blogging helps take me out of a bad mood, too. Interacting with friends. Reading an interesting or funny website, book or magazine. Being out in nature gives me peace of mind. Taking pictures. Listening to music. Masturbating furiously to the sounds of raindrops on a tin roof. (Just kidding on the last one). It's actually the sound of an ambulance siren that does it for me.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

I'm not sure how to interpret "more blessed" in this question. I think it's like when you give someone a gift or help someone out. You get something back, regardless if you get a gesture of gratitude or not, in return. It makes you feel great, or, at least it should. Loving someone is like this but on a higher level. With that said, though, I think feeling that you are truly loved by the one you love is even more remarkable, if you want to make comparisons.

7. What is your bedtime routine?

This is funny because I sort of went over this in a post not long ago. To start with, I'll take my medication. Eat a little food. Give myself an insulin shot. Pack my wife's lunch that she takes to work in the morning. Make one last trip to the shitter to pee or make poopie. Head to the bedroom. Strip completely naked. (are you becoming aroused?) Then slide beneath the sheets. Turn over, stomach side down. Then sleep, snore and fart while my wife does the same. Strangely enough, the cat likes to jump on the bed and sleep right between our asses in the middle of the night. So far, he hasn't passed out or died.


8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I informally met my wife of 21 years while I was up in a tree with my cousin and sister, giggling and making bizarre animal noises and so forth. Before I go on, I want to point out we weren't having a family orgy or anything like it. We save that for Easter Sunday. Lol. But, I digress. I was 19 or 20 years old at the time. We had climbed up into the tree earlier, talking and making jokes. Not long afterwards, a frozen foods delivery guy pulls up into my parents driveway to either make a delivery or take an order. Hidden behind all the tree limbs and leaves we decide to prank him by making all types of strange noises. Meanwhile, the guy is looking all around the front yard and the rest of the neighborhood, wondering where the hell the sounds are coming from and what the hell is making them. About that time, my future wife is taking a stroll with her mother down the street that's close by to the tree we're sitting in. I can hear her asking her mom, "What is that?" We all laugh and quickly become quiet when they direct their eyes toward the tree. They slow down, shake their heads and continue heading down the street but before they get too far from earshot, I shout, "Helloooooo!".

I'm sure she and her mother thought we were a bunch of morons or nut jobs. And it's true, we were. Our family definitely has a strange sense of humor. I formally met my wife years later where I worked. Not long after that, we began dating. Somewhere during the dating period, I impressed the heck out of her with the tree story.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

Right now, I would like to watch the band, Them Crooked Vultures, create music in the studio for another CD.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

An easier question to ask would be, What types of books don't you read? I read almost every genre out there. Science fiction or fact, humor, philosophy, mystery, trivia and more. I made a short list of books I've read in the middle column of this blog. Take a look at the list and you'll get an idea of what types of books I read. I own a small library's worth of books. My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut. Sadly, he's gone from this world but his words will forever stay true, profound and meaningful. His words are his greatest legacy. Vonnegut said a lot with what people would perhaps call "a sardonic sense of humor". He and a few unique others have inspired me in my viewpoints and writing throughout my life.


11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

I would like to move out of this area and somewhere it stays warm all year round. Beyond that, I can't say how I see myself in even one year's time. These days, my life seems to be pushed and shoved in directions dictated by the forces of family obligations and aggravations. If any of these worries were to be resolved or decreased, I would be better equipped to focus solely on my life with my wife.

12. What’s your fear?

My wife, dying before me. Cheery, aren't I? Other than that, I don't fear a whole lot anymore. I've been numbed, to a large degree, by outrageous things that have happened in the past.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

Yes, I would give up all junk food to go into space. Seeing the Earth, the Moon, the stars and everything else out there would be the ultimate experience of a lifetime. Not only would I give up countless cans of peanuts but I'd give my right bulbous nut up for the chance. Yes, sir.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

I look at rich, yet single people with a certain pity. Especially the ones that just endlessly have one fling after another. It would be fun for awhile, but God, what a void to have in your life!

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Ahh, I'm so glad we got around to this one. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I attempt to get out of the bed, with only slant consciousness, to make my stumbling way toward the bathroom without being tripped by my loving cat. After taking (or leaving, rather) a shit, I make myself a pot of coffee, eat, drink, watch the morning news, become agitated by what I see, slowly begin to regain consciousness and come in here to play, seek and blog on the ol' computer. Approximately a half hour to an hour, after this routine, will pass before I completely wake up. Speaking to me before this time would be a severe risk to your life and happiness.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

It's been said that my wife talks a lot. That's an understatement. She never stops talking. Hope she never reads this! My wife will stop in public and talk to a perfect stranger for a lengthy period of time about anything and everything. She's very people-friendly. I, on the other hand, have been told that I'm relatively quiet, unless there's something I feel that's important or humorous enough to talk about. In comparison to her and likely a lot of people, I'm an anti-social bastard. And that's true, to a certain degree. One thing I could change about her? Maybe to talk a little less. At least to people she doesn't know while we're trying to get from one place to another. One thing she would change about me? That I would talk a little more. Don't get me wrong! I'm open, not shy in the least... just not "talky". I really have to force myself to talk at social gatherings. And yes, I know I would terribly miss "her constant chatter" if she were gone from my life. In conclusion, we complete each other and more importantly, love each other, despite these minor irritations.



17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I actually do have another name. MasterHeathen. Say the name, slowly, three times as the sun begins it's decent on the horizon and I will suddenly appear behind you, smiling and with a big sharp knife in my hand. Tee hee. When you turn around, I will cut a delightfully pungent fart and stab you in the eye. Hell, at least we'll have something to talk about. Or we could just go the other way and get nicely wasted. I'm easy.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

Honestly, I would forgive in that situation, if asked to, but I would never forget. If, for some reason, you are able to forget a horrible thing that someone special has done to you, you either have the self esteem of an antelope turd or you're in the second or third stages of Alzheimer's disease. There's a world of difference between forgiving and forgetting and forgetting may not be safe or wise for your future welfare in regards to interacting with that "special someone".

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Pizza. You can put pretty much anything you want on a pizza, so you have the food variety thing going on there. Chicken. Pineapple. Bacon. Veggies. And whatever else that "tickles your fancy". That expression sounds so obscene. Pizza is the ultimate variety food.

Here's the survey questions:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
7. What is your bedtime routine?
8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
10. What kinds of books do you read?
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
12. What’s your fear?
13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

These are the 4 lucky bloggers that I have tagged for this survey... drum roll, please...

LilPixi from It's A Lollipop World

The Wolf from The S.N.A.F.U. Report

Rebecca from The Snee


As always in these "taggings", none of the mentioned bloggers should feel pressured to participate in the survey. If you do participate, feel free to answer any way you want and pass the survey along to 4 other bloggers. This is just my way of annoying the shit out of some of my blogging buddies. Hell, somebody has to do it. :)

19 comments:

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly aka MasterHeathen aka better than 'swell',
First of all, thanks for being a good sport and doing this here survey. Then again, you didn't take much persuading. I mean, you get to write about your favourite subject, 'ME!' as in you, not me.
Dude, you really put your fart, I mean heart into this. I'm liking the way you balanced your long replies with touches of humour and dabs of seriousness.
And you didn't disappoint with reply #15. Although I'm slightly saddened by not having the delight of knowing what the normal texture, aroma and colour variations you note when having one of your morning dumps. I mean, you do have a good look at your crap before you flush and say, 'toodle loo and have fun in the sewer' to your mighty bowel movement?
Seriously, thanks for your very informative answers and letting us know a wee bit more about you and your awesome self.
Amazing how things can turn out by sitting in a tree and making bizarre animal noises. Maybe I should try that.
Take care man. I'm off to find a tree........

LilPixi said...

I'm psyched to do this. I've been a lil stale lately. Thanks so much, Kelly!! =)My goal is to have it done & posted in the morning.

I loved reading your answers. You just write so well & are so funny. And I can't leave out chock full of wisdom.

Love & farts, my friend. Love & farts.

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly,

I'm so happy to read 19 things about you. I laughed, I sighed, I cried, and smiled. I love reading your blog.

Now......you tagged me, and so did Dear David in a "Day in the Life". Thank you so much for thinking of The Snee. I feel quite lucky and honored that my blog is on your radar. As I told Gary at "Klahanie", the frigid temperatures have definitely transformed tag into FREEZE TAG. Though, I normally don't answer questions because THE SNEE is so 'news' focused, I'm thinking that given the weather maybe I'll make an exception( No guarantees that it will be exceptional). It could be time for a brand new Sneeson. I will reflect.

Hmmmm....brain freeze!

The Wolf said...

Oh crap I've been tagged....oh wait it's not because somebody thinks I'm the father....this is okay then.

LilPixi said...

And for some reason, half the pictures didn't load for me in this post before. I love em'!! =)

CB said...

And you divduch a phenomenal job of being annoying fucker!!!! I'm so proud!

Kelly said...

klahanie- aka 'Better Than Swell'... yes, this is my 3rd name. lol. I had that as my name on my passport, they looked at it at airport security, took one look at me and just knew it had to be true.

Yeah, ME, ME, ME. Could there be anything finer than ME? Excuse me while I fart and belch all at the same time. What can I say? I can multi-task. Thanks for the compliments and glad you enjoyed the answers. I'll tell you more later about the appearances of my bowel movements. I don't want to spoil you. Don't be sad.

I HIGHLY advise you to get up in a tree and act like a nut. That way you'll meet a nice attractive squirrel, mate and have many odd looking children with bushy tails. Take care, Gary. Follow my wisdom as I send you a gift from the bottoms of my pants. Squirt.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- You're welcome and I gotta say, I loved your answers, too. Funny as hell and an interesting peek into your wonderful mind.

Love & Farts Forever, Your friend, Kelly

P.S. Glad the pics loaded completely for you this time or you wouldn't be able to see my handsome face and all.

yep

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Wow... I'm honestly glad and tickled white with purple dots that I could evoke so many emotions at once in you with this post, Rebecca. I'm flattered.

Pretty cool that David and I both tagged you. Two guys at once. Wow. :) Of course, there's no pressure that you do the survey but I really hope you do. See?... No pressure at all. I'd really like to see your answers to these questions. It's very therapeutic answering them. No pressure. :)

Take care.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Well, sorry to say, yes, you are the father. But just to make sure, you're scheduled to go on the Jerry Springer and Maury Povich shows to do those tests they like to do on unsuspecting fathers. Anyway, I'm glad you told me in the email that you were cool with doing the survey. Just think! You'll get to rant, rave and tear somebody out there a new asshole.

Kelly said...

CB- That's my claim to fame... "Most Annoying Fucker of The Year"... It's a tough job but still, my adoring fans love me for it.

yep.

Alpha Za said...

haha, dude. Thats phenomenal, sweet in fact, didnt know you had it in you. Pleasantly surprised.

I'd take the billion dollars and invest it, so I could make Billions more. I'm a loser like that.

Kelly said...

Alpha Za- Thanks, dude. What I have in me, at the moment, in fact, is a turd just itchin' to get out. I'm always full of surprises. You? Take the billion and invest it? Now somehow that doesn't surprise me.

Greg said...

I see you left no dark secrets, you spilled your guts Kelly as I will do in my next post, would have liked to do it sooner, but I will post it on Sunday.

Thanks for including me. Damn though thinking of your last answer the food you would eat is my first choice, almost exactly what o would have said, you can eat everything on pizza can't you.

I really don't know anyone who doesn't like pizza either, is it some sort of primeval instinct?

Kelly said...

Greg- Yeah, I'm pretty much an open book. Ask and ye shall receive info you likely didn't want to really know in the first place. :) I'm honest- to a fault.

If you're gonna spill your guts in the next post, I suggest you lay down a tarp for easier clean up. Yes, you can eat everything on a pizza, including snails and nails. I'd skip the snails, though.

True fact: Prehistoric man loved pizza. They put chunks of hairy elephant meat on it as a topping. Yum. I look forward to your take on the survey, Greg. Thanks, in advance, for your participation and for being a good sport.

kerrie said...

good morrow K
you made me laugh Kelly your routines and the cat I just love cats esp the bit about a cuddling when you lost mum.
K

Gorilla Bananas said...

Damn, that's a lot of questions! If anyone asked me that many questions I'd tell them to get a subpoena. So the new car you get would be electric-powered, right? Not sure how we could get an environmentally friendly rocket to blast you into space, but I'll tell the chimps to work on it.

Kelly said...

kerrie- Hello and good day to you. Glad you enjoyed my answers. I'm happy to see you're a cat lover like me. Hey... That rhymes. Take care, k.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Oh, I don't mind answering harmless questions like these. You can make some of them fun and they can give you a kind of release- when you're honest. Yeah, I'd get an electric car. That would be ideal. From what I've read, we're getting closer to that end. And I'm not sure how to exactly get an environmentally friendly rocket to blast me into space either but I appreciate you telling the chimps to work on that for me.

It sounds like you're kinda, maybe, sorta attempting to bait me, GB, into a debate. Hmmm? Your questions seem to allude to something. lol. Take care, GB.

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