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Sunday, January 6, 2013

Having Fun With Those Absurd Agree and Disagree Applications

In this economy, employers should be asking the right questions. If you're one of those people applying for work, I can help you, if you ask, nicely.

While helping out a friend fill out a resume and some job applications the other day, I was starting to understand why she was getting so frustrated.  Those applications, online or offline, that ask you if you strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree or disagree, agree and so on can be confusing and, to be brief, just plain stupid .

There were a lot of applications like that, that she was filling out.  Quite a few of them didn't ask much information regarding what skills she had or where she worked all her life.  Most of the time, the way the questions were asked, were more of the confusing psychological type that wanted to play a game of absurd therapy with you instead of being direct and asking pertinent questions.

I liked it better, in the old days, which wasn't that long ago, really, where the employer would ask you for recommendations from other people.  Some cared if those came recommendations from family or friends or people you had worked with and worked for. Then they would ask for your work history.  All of this, to me, is acceptable.  You know.  Where have you worked?  How long, did you work, at each place? You would make a list of your skills, too and check a page or two full of those questions, pertaining to your skills.   Those questions, I can truly accept and understand.  I can get behind logic like that.

And a lot of these "Strongly Agree and Strongly Disagree situation and feelings questions" leave out important details and/or a lot to be interpreted wrongly, too.

You can try to convince me, if you want to waste your time, that the employers, these days, have you fill out the stupid agree and disagree questions for reasons that would make them believe you're not a thief or a sociopath or any other type of undesirable person.  I'm just not buying into it.  Be straight or be gone, moronic employer!  That's what I'd say to those employers looking to play psychological games with an application and the applicant.  I don't play games with people, no matter who they are.

This friend wanted my help in trying to figure out the confounding questions, sometimes, and I helped before I got to the point where I wanted to bang my head on the wall, in frustration.  I think we ended up looking at four of them in one day and while she filled them out.  Now, that my friends, was really work.

People are going to lie, most of the time, anyway, with these silly multiple choice questionnaires.  There are no guarantees in this society that someone isn't going to go from behaving normally to going, suddenly, batshit crazy and kill everyone in a office cubicle or in a warehouse. People know what their potential employer wants to hear or see when they check off on the options on the forms, electronic or not, given to them.  If they don't, I neither strongly agree or strongly disagree that the applicant will be living in their parent's basements all of their unnatural lives until their bones turn to dust mites.  Depends on the person's work habits and what place they want to get hired on as an employee.  Depends on a lot of things that would take a lifetime to explain, in truth.

This is where ordinary human robots can be found.  The typical office.  The supervisor is your overlord.  He demands obedience or else.

Still, all in all, I'm looking to hire some people for my next project.  But first, you will have to pass a test involving cage fights with genetically enhanced pythons with 7 inch fangs, lovable, smart-mouthed teenagers that scream and foam at the mouth, if they don't have the latest smart phone on the market, along with a team of circus midgets, riding ferocious polar bears.

You'll all be put in a cage to prove your mettle and that you're qualified for the job.  If you survive, you will be asked to fill out (this is just a sample) the following questionnaire.  There are a lot of similarities between this one and the ones my friend encountered and had to fill out.  Believe me!

_________________________________________________

I'm a team player most of the time.
_Strongly Agree
_Strongly Disagree
_Neither Agree or Disagree
_Agree
_Disagree

You will listen to a co-workers complaints, about a task given to them, then try to assist them.

_Strongly Agree
_Agree
_Neither Agree or Disagree
_Disagree
_Strongly Disagree

You wish to sell a product that a customer thinks may be over priced.  They're wearing a Batman mask and a pair of ruby red slippers (a la Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz).  You try to convince he or she to buy the coffee maker.

_Strongly Disagree
_Disagree
_Neither Disagree or Agree
_Agree
_Strongly Agree

A supervisor gives you lengthy criticism over the way you spoke to a customer on a Thursday afternoon, around 9:24, when the workplace had been suddenly overran by deadly spiders and wicked prostitutes.  You say, "Thank you, sir.  I enjoy pasta," in response.

_Strongly Disagree and Strongly Agree
_I'm not sure if I stopped my car, completely, at that one stop sign this morning
_Zena: The Warrior Princess, could probably answer this question.  Something just tells me this to be true.
_Agree
_Cantaloupe

Your day's work has been destroyed by a fire but your employer wants you to start back from scratch and will not be pleased until you finish the work.  Seeing that you're about to pass out from the fumes, she offers you a carrot.  A coworker later walks past you, pinches their hardened, fully erect left nipple and continues walking, while singing a show tune.

_Strongly Agree
_Strongly Disagree
_Strongly Have a Boner
_Strongly Eat the Carrot
_Strongly Shake Your Head and Wonder How You Got Here

Your co-workers and employer throw you a surprise birthday party on company time.  You open the gift that everyone but that one tight ass chipped in to buy you.  It turns out to be a worn out, heavily dented, wooden, sticky pencil.  You show an excited exuberance, toward the gift, that would put Las Vegas showgirls to shame, by comparison.

_Strongly Agree but do it with a side of Small Disagreement mixed with obvious apathy
_Agree
_ I want to make up my mind, but I'm missing the instruction booklet
_Disagree
_I will or I won't go on quest to find rainbow colored unicorns that enjoy consuming carrots or placing them deep in their anuses

This must be you, on any given work day.

One of your handicapped co-workers asks you for a favor, giving you the correct amount of money for the task, that involves you getting them a soft drink from the vending machine.

_Strongly Disagree to scream at them like a horrid banshee from the depths of hell
_Strongly Disagree to drool at the corner of your mouth but Strongly Agree that they should rise from their wheelchair.  Why? Because you have given them the power to become healed and heal the sick and impaired, themselves.  Your magic is just that strong.  Wow.
_Tickle their belly, instead.
_Strongly Agree to cut a fart.
_Strongly Agree that, sometimes, crazy people and their erratic behaviors just aren't worth putting up with, no matter how bad you want the money, the job or to get along with "your team" or your fellow species.

This is just a small sampling of my application questionnaire.  I wish you luck. You will be contacted, if you are to have an actual person to person meeting with me, with even more insipid questions asked, when I feel like responding to you.  Good day!

22 comments:

Pickleope said...

Oh how I love you for this. No, seriously, I love you and want to spoon with your brain on cold nights
-Strongly Agree
-Agree
-Super Colossal Agree
-Get up on this brain already!
Make your choice, Kelly. Make. Your. Choice.

As someone who had to apply for a job recently, this one hit home. I got one interview with an application that was done this way and learned the entire reason they do this application is because the HR person is too dumb and lazy to be trusted with reading resumes so they did this automated application. It's the only interview I wasn't so desperate to land the job so I laughed at them and left the interview.
That type of application is for despicable sadists. Which is why your questions are awesome.

Francis Lee said...

Great questions....I had a boner!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your last question is fascinating because it implies there are humans who can fart at will. I would strongly agree to offer anyone who could do that a job in my jungle band. The carrot questions might be useful for filtering out the donkey fetishists.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- LOL. My brain loves ya back, man, but not in "spooning" kind of way. And I 'Super Colossal Agree' with ya about that being another possible reason why they do that- as you suggested. I think it may be a mixture of the reason I mentioned and yours, too, most likely.

I can see why you laughed and left the interview. After putting up with this kind of nonsense, in the past and other craziness while being on the job, I'm glad I'm not in the workforce during these times. As you might know, already, I'm on SS disability because of my many many maladies.

In any case...

Thank you for the compliment, regarding my 'awesome' questions. And good luck on getting a job, or if you already have one, good luck on the one you have. I know it can be tough. Take care.

Kelly said...

Francis Lee/The Angry Lurker- LOL. I'm unsure what to think, exactly, about the supposed fact that my questions gave you 'a boner.' :)

Thank you? :)

Take care, dude!

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- This human, which in this case, being me, does have the curious, magnificent ability to fart, at will. It comes in handy when you're standing in a long line. People will scatter and run away, due to my lethal and pungent anal vapors.

If you go to work for me on my new project, I'll join in your 'jungle band', as long as I don't have to participate in anything too weird. :) That likely leaves a lot open, in your opinion, though.

You may have a point about the carrot questions. LOL.

Take care!

Dixie said...

Hi ho Kelly!
I was strongly disagreeing to finish reading but then the photo of the overlord and human robots stopped me. I damned near agreed to have an anxiety attack... memories of working for the "Rubicks" company...damn that umbrella!! And where were the happy primary colors? Hm? (50 shades of cubical grey)aagh.

I too am laid out/up/? due to disabilities. Sometimes when my brain strongly disagrees... my body ignores the f-k out of me. (Have you noticed that I seem to strongly disagree with lots of shit?)Except for 'fart on demand'... the cable company includes it for free.

My condolences to those who contend with this shit, no not your post, but the screwy questionnaires. So now I'm going to make more brownies! Dude.. where the h is my T-dol??
Sloppy new year!

billy pilgrim said...

yeah, there's nothing like working with a shit load of team players that thrive on team meetings.

i usually select "somewhat agree" for every question.

bazza said...

Hi Kezza. I used to work in Market Research and the idea of those five choices is that they are (supposed to be) balanced and to force you into making a choice. However, I love (ie; strongly agree) that you have nicely identified the nonsense that goes on and given us a great laugh at the same time!
Actually, if one gets as far as an interview, you have usually got the job (or not) within the first 30 seconds.
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Kelly said...

Dixie- Gosh, Dixie, you worked for that cubical company? How many twists and turns did it take for you to figure out how to solve the puzzle and escape? Wouldn't that have been really neato if they had made a Rubik's cube that was totally grey on all sides and if you put the squares in just the right combination on all sides, a genie would appear and grant you 3 wishes?

Yes, I did know that you were laid out and up with disabilities. I know that from reading your blog and some of the comments you've made in the past. I empathize with you.

You're lucky, though, in one respect. You can get "Fart on Demand." I have to really push to get that and then I usually wind up up with "butt pudding" in my underwear. Oops. I just let out my little secret. :) Speaking of stuff that is brown, I hope you enjoy your brownies.

I hate to say it but your Toadie Doll had an accident in his pants an won't be able to make it. I can still send you his special pudding, however. :) He said it was okay for me to do that. Yes, dolls talk to me. So do the squirrels. They think I'm nuts.

Take care, Dixie!

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- shitloads of team players usually make a mess of things with their shitty attitudes and their bad habit of shitting where they sit. i'd rather work alone and be shit-free.

i usually select "sometimes usually" for every question.

Kelly said...

Bazza- Hmmm. I wonder if that is the idea in all countries, though. I've heard several different and for their reasoning behind it from different people from different countries. I think every company in every nation does it for their own reason(s), (perhaps some are the same) but I still think they try to make it into some sort of psychological evaluation. I've read where that is also true, too.

I'm glad you enjoyed and saw the absurdity I was trying to mimic with my own set of questions. I "strongly agree" that I "agree" that people, once they get the interview, will "usually somewhat" get the job. Tee hee.

Agreeably yours,

Kezza

klahanie said...

Hey Kelly,

My human has had to go to bed. Lazy bastard that he is.

For once, we are going to keep this comment refreshingly short. Which I hope you strongly agree with. Rather strangely, my human friend, your questions regarding application forms are very close to the truth. In fact, a lot of times the questions are formulated in such a way that they are trying to catch you out. Very much like government forms these days.

All the beast,

Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! :)

Kelly said...

klahanie/Penny- How in arfing heck re ya, you ol' scallywag?

I bet he farts in his sleep, too. Maybe you should put a cork in your owner's butt at night. I've heard the neighbors has been complaining because his flatulence is killing people.

Yeah, I bet your government forms are a lot like that, depending on what they're for. I strongly agree with that, that they're trying to catch people on something, in the way the statements and questions are put on the applications... or government forms.

Take care, Penny, The Wonder Dog

Kelly, the human, the observant, humorous, somewhat crude superstar of the Internet

Lil Dreamer said...

Alright, so I'm pretty damn good at reading between the lines. (It's one if my secret super powers) and this is what I got:

Your crazy batshit eating friend came to you for help trying to fake normal on a job application. You, with your burning need to feel superior to batshit eater, said sure I can help you. But you couldn't help her, could you Kelly? No, because this was not a challenge to prove who needed a labotomy more. No, quite the opposite. It was a challenge to see who could fake sanity better, wasn't it?

So what happened? You and batshit eater drive yourselves even further past the thresholds of insanity just to try and prove you could fake normal, which of course neither of you could. Now isn't that right Kelly?

Am I the only one who sees the irony here?

unikorna said...

I strongly agree with you :) that people are going to lie most of the times :). If you ask me I consider them useless.

Kelly said...

Lil Dreamer- Sorry I haven't responded sooner to your reply. I've been really sick with the flu the past three days. dizzy, head and chest full of phlegm and running a fever. It's no fun.

One of your comments... 'your burning need to feel superior to batshit eater, said sure I can help you' struck me as funny.

Oh yeah, it sure was a challenge to see who could fake sanity better. It was something else. Your powers of observation and ability to read between the lines is something else, too. I'm awfully impressed. :) You deserve recognition of some kind. :)

What happened? You asked. Hmmm. Well, after hours upon hours (back when I was flu-free and thinking straight), I got frustrated with the stupid questions they had on these applications. So... being the insane guy I am, I decided to go outside and chase all the neighborhood cats, waving my arms up and down, shouting, "OOGA BOOGA! I'm coming to suck out your kitty brains, you little dickens!"

The cops were called, of course. I got placed in a sanitarium. And that's where I'm writing from now, as we speak.

In answer to your last question, I can't say that I see the irony here but I can certainly see the silver-y. Hahahahahahaha.

Kelly said...

Unikorna- Sorry for the delay in responding. I've had the flu. Still got it but I'm getting better. I've been slacking in the blogging department because it was literally keeping me down.

I strongly agree with that, too, regarding the applications and their questions. You're right. People just lie on those things. Hell, they lie on resumes, too, about what they can do. Anything for a job.

So, in short, I strongly agree. Those types of questionnaires are useless. Take care, Petronela!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kelly said...

Tammy- I think, but I'm not completely sure by your comment, that you are saying people are going to lie most of the times. while I think most of them probably do, I can't say for certain, that is true all the time, regarding these types of applications. Take care and thanks for commenting.

THE SNEE said...

SO UNBELIEVABLY FUNNY! My daughter has been job hunting and answering such questionnaires. We've been giggling at the absurdity for weeks! I must say, you really captured the "thrill" of the job search experience. So....is this what I get to look forward to as I start sending resumes out? If only they'd ask me to answer your questions:). Really funny, Kelly!

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Glad you enjoyed it, Rebecca. Also glad to see you returning to the blogging world. I get to interact with you a bit on Facebook but it's not the same.

Yeah, you, your daughter, my wife and I... and probably a whole lot of other people giggle at those ridiculous questionnaires for the same reason. I tried to capture the essence of the "thrill" of it all as you call it. And yeah, this is what you will have to look forward to in the future when you start job hunting. Crazy, confusing questions. It would be great if you could answer questions like the ones I provided. At least mine are honestly silly.

Take care, Rebecca! Great to see you again.

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