This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Furious Gingerbread Man

The Gingerbread Man was furious.  With weapon in hand, he was determined to slay those who dared to stand in his way.  For too many years, his brethren had been made for the sole purpose of being devoured.

"Why must this be the way of things?" asked The Gingerbread Man.

He raised his hardened cake fist, shook it furiously and sobbed.

Somehow, he thought to himself, he would find a way to make humanity pay.

Suddenly, a dog came up and began munching on his gingerbread penis.  This made The Gingerbread Man even more furious.  The Gingerbread Man cried out, "I will be eaten no longer!  I have rights!  How dare you eat me!"

The dog, blown away by the fact that a cookie was talking to him, said, "Well, if this isn't some freaky shit, I don't know what is."  And then the dog walked off, shaking his head and vowed to get some therapy.  He realized, in those moments, that the preceding event would likely scar him for life if he didn't receive help and support with this issue.  And then he licked his balls.

Furious, the Gingerbread Man ran as fast as he could back to his gingerbread house.  He poured himself a drink and began to relax. Just as his nerves were beginning to settle, a man child approached and took a huge bite out of his home.

"Oh no you didn't!" screamed the really incredibly furious gingerbread man.

The man child took another big bite off the top of the roof, gobbling up a chocolate candy heart.

"MMMM... Tasty," said the man child, as cookie crumbles fell out of his mouth.  The man child continued eating the gingerbread house with as much enthusiasm as a crack addict scoring a rock after being without a high for a day.

Finally, the man child's mother called out the man child's name and the little brat reluctantly ran to her, throwing a tantrum and pissing himself before throwing a fork at his mom's head.

The mother plucked the embedded fork from her forehead and with a reassuring tone, she said, "Ohhhh... that's okay, dear.  Mommy will get a boo boo band aid for her head and then mommy will let you eat the rest of the gingerbread house because you are such a good little boy."

The Gingerbread Man, even more furious than before, had had enough.

 He shouted, "Sweet Satan, Lord of All Who Dwell in Darkness, please give me the power to destroy those who wish to do me harm!"

A black fog swirled around The Gingerbread Man.  Electricity filled the air around him.  The flames of hell began to engulf him.  When the flames disappeared, his form had changed.  The Gingerbread Man became possessed with the spirit of a demon.  And a single perfect cookie dropped from his crusty butthole.

For a moment, he felt sweet relief.

Then he became enraged because he remembered he was supposed to be furious.  In the days to come, the Gingerbread Man gathered up his fellow gingerbread brethren and created a mighty delicious army.

Furious, The Gingerbread Man commanded his army to fight the humans.  So powerful were the gingerbread army, in their quest, that they did, indeed, conquer all of humanity and laid waste to all of their creations.  Dogs were ridden, against their will, by the gingerbread men, as if they were horses.


Those humans who were not slain, were forced into slavery, cock fighting and prostitution.  And when the humans were forced to copulate, the gingerbread men ate their children.

And thus began The Ten Thousand Year Reign of The Gingerbread Men.  All hail their might, wisdom and absolute power!


klahanie said...

Howdy Kelly,
Oh my, after reading this wonderful story, I'm actually feeling a little paranoid. You know, I think those little Gingerbread Men at my local supermarket's bakery were moving...I'm sure they were moving and now they are coming through my letter box and...holy mother of Hansel and Gretel....

Kelly said...

It's true, Gary, those Gingerbread Men at your supermarket's bakery were moving. And planning something big. I would tell you what they're planning in your neck of the woods but, unfortunately, they have my cat as their hostage in the back of that bakery. So mums the word. Either that or Brothers Grimm is the word. No, that can't be it. That's 2 words. Ah, well. You see my dilemma here, of course. Good day to you, sir.

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly,
After this fabulous fable, I promise to always approach the spice- infused, cookie man gingerly, and try to only LOOK upon his lavishly adorned candy trimmed house. But if I watch, and don't touch....does that make me a peeping Mom?

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- If you not only LOOK upon the Gingerbread Man's home, but SNEAK A NIBBLE of it, as well, I promise not to tell the Gingerbread Man.

Because, after all, THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. And when it does, you will not only be a Peeping Mom, but you'll be a Sweeping Mom, as well.

Get it? You'll have to get the broom to sweep crumbles off the floor.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Sometimes I'm just too funny. But this isn't one of those times. :) Take care, Rebecca.

THE SNEE said...


Kelly said...

THE SNEE- aHAHaHaHahahA... and then some. Damn, but a hearty laugh does the body good.

Merry Christmas to all!

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