What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "Oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"
Rape isn't a laughing matter, unless it is with a clown.
Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them!