This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Sicker Jokes

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I cut up the onion.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb, the other to suck my dick.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It’s a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Hell if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shit himself."

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?

Ask her why she left the kitchen.

How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.

Her son's dick tastes funny.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?


What's red and silver and walks into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The woman says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The woman opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The woman is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the woman is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Everyone sing!

Sing a song of syphilis,
A fanny full of crabs,
Four and twenty abscesses,
Twice as many scabs,
When it starts to open,
A crab begins to sing
What a fucking dirty cunt
To put a penis in!

Have a great weekend, fuckers!


Donda said...

I didn't even know it was physically possible to laugh and vomit at the same time!

Gucci Mama said...

They were all pretty awesome, but the feminist ones were my favorite. Dammit I love you, my dear.

middle child said...

These were terrible sick jokes! Is it bad that I laughed my ass off?

MartyrMom said...

you're my favorite enigma! That's all I can say for the moment.....

Gorilla Bananas said...

I now want a feminist to suck your dick. You'd be trying to play it cool, pretending not to enjoy it, but your eyes would be swiveling in their sockets. What kind of noises would be you making?

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

Excellent! Why let good taste get in the way of a laugh Kelly?
I'll just have one vat of wine then it's off to bed for me.

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
Well that was fucking sick. And, once again I am extremely worried about myself. Why oh why am I finding these jokes funny and taking great, and bordering on sinister delight, in reading them? Fuck knows, but I don't care. Right up there with about as being funny as a baby chewing razor blades.
And a couple of old ones speaking of periods. Why is the little red school house red? Well, after five periods, you'd be red too.
And what's red and green and goes a thousand miles an hour? A frog in a blender....

The Wolf said...

Good to see that you're keeping the standards up here. That was more fun then stuffing kittens full of explosives

Kelly said...

Donda- Wow. Don't hurt yourself! I don't want to be the cause of any injury. :) Glad I could give ya a chuckle.

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- Yeah... Feminist jokes make me laugh, too. It's just not right, is it?

Kelly said...

middle child- No, it's not terrible in the least. God wants us to laugh and be happy at the expense of the unfortunate.

Guess I'm going to hell. :)

Kelly said...

MarytrMom- Yeah, I'm like one of those damned Chinese Finger Trap puzzles. Hard to figure out at first but then, you suddenly go, "Oh yeah, I get it."

Or maybe not. :)

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- I, however do not want a feminist to suck my dick, you vile jungle beast. :)

I would be afraid the feminist would chomp down on my pecker, shake her head back and forth like a rabid dog and then commence tearing my skin flute off.

And that might hurt.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- Ah, why let good taste get in the way of a good laugh? If you can drink an entire vat of wine, you have my deepest respect.

Nah, just kidding.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Oh, you evil and sick man, you. You must be depraved and stuff. You must have a lot of trouble keeping that inner beast inside... and stuff. :)

Your 'periods' joke was funny and every bit as sick as the ones here. But the 'frog in the blender' joke has been around since the time of the Inquisition. Shame on you. :)

Well, I'm off to feed a baby some razor blades. Have a great weekend!

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Hey, we always keep high standards around this fine establishment. No impure thoughts and rudeness to be found here.

No, siree.

Well, I'm off to feed an adorable little kitty a hand grenade. Thanks for the idea, man. Take care.

bazza said...

I say if it's funny then it's funny. Nothing else matters!

Kelly said...

bazza- I'm with you, man. Funny is funny. Some fuckers are too uptight for their own good when it comes to having a sense of humor.

Lana Gramlich said...

OMG...some of those are SOOOO bad, but freaking funny!

Damien Riley said...

My wife, son, and I have decided you are sick in the head ... after much much laughing ;)

LilPixi said...

Good stuff. The Arkansas mother may have been my favorite. Haha

Kelly said...

Lana Gramlich- Oh, they're god awful but they made me laugh til I farted.

Kelly said...

Damien Riley- Yes, I am feeling a bit feverish. Maybe I have a head cold. :)

Thanks for laughing, dude. :)

Kelly said...

LilPixi- That was a dandy one. Made me spill my coffee. Thanks for commenting. Come back anytime.

Keeley said...

I havnt seen all of the posts yet but i figured since you guys have my humor i shall share one or two.

what has 4million legs and cant walk? Jerry's Kids

two babys seals walk into a club

how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? FUCK EM LET THEM CRY IN THE DARK

Keeley said...

ah i almost forgot the west Virginia one. A father is fucking is daughter and the father says you fuck just like your mother and she says i know my brother told me. totally foul i know. and a lame one what do you call two lesbian eskimos? klondikes

Kelly said...

Keeley- Hahaha... I loved all those jokes. Especially the one about the emo kids (damn, they're irritating) and the father/daughter and brother joke. That was really fuckin' sweet. Hey, I'd rather be twisted than uptight- like most motherfuckers are these days. Thanks for the laughs.

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