Comics: The Old, New and Bizarre

I had no idea that Kool-Aid Man had such trouble managing his anger.

Archie seems to have gone to more trouble than one normally would to rescue Betty. Read closely what the hero has to say.

Oh no.... how frightening. Snowmen are taking over the Earth.

Batman and Robin have a secret.

Disturbing. On a few levels.

They're kind of like Gumby and Pokey. But not as fascinating.


Seems Spidey got a little carried away while watching midget porn.

Gee, I wonder what being Queen of The Lizard Men actually entails.

When you have a problem or certain needs, you can always count on Afrodisiac. At least, that's what those 2 white chicks say.

Here's The Outside Scene Around My Place

First, we had our shitload of snow. Then we had our icy rain storm on top of that. Then we had a grand ol' second dumping of snow for the third layer. So far, 10 to 11 inches of snow and ice. Since the driveway/parking lot of our apartment complex is a frozen tundra and at the bottom of a hill, we are snowbound- with only two rolls of toilet paper left. When that runs out, I'll have to start using one of our cats to wipe my ass.




Here's some shots of our back balcony. Thought these were kinda cool.





These are my two cats. The grey, brown and white calico is Mufasa, named from a character from "The Lion King" movie. She's heavily matted now. Mufasa has trouble licking her hair out, especially her back and ass parts, because she's so chubby. In a couple weeks, we're going to get her shaved. She'll be put out first, of course. The last time someone tried to shave her, while she was awake, she bit a dozen holes through her leather muzzle until finally breaking through and taking a chunk out of the pet groomer's arm. After that, she celebrated victory by pissing and shitting all over the place. Ordinarily, she's very loving toward us. Doesn't care much for strangers, however. Tends to hiss and sometimes nip. Adorable.







Luckily, we didn't get sued by the pet groomer. Heh heh.



The next one here is of Victor, our red haired tabby. He's my baby. In this shot, you can see him doing something he's not supposed to do- which is get up on our kitchen table chair. And yes, that's our very cluttered kitchen table in the backround. LOL.




So there you go. That's all I got for now.

Got Too Much Crap Beating Down On Top Of Me

(warning: This post contains more depressing topics than humorous ones. So please.... enjoy my hell!)



This is what's going on with me that's making me especially crazy these past few months:



* I've been having problems with my patience and my depression concerning my father's newly diagnosed vascular dementia. It falls on my sister and I to take care of him, of course, since our mother died 3 years ago. It's hard to watch him fade like this. He was, and still is, at times, strong of spirit and able to make perfect sense of things. He was always stubbornly independent and had a good sense of humor. These days, many of those traits might not be seen in him. Hard to watch. It's been a struggle getting Dad to do things, too. There's more to all of this, but that's all I'm going to say.



* Had to see a new head shrink for my depression disorder. You ever hear of BumFuck, Egypt. No? Well, ya see, it means a place that's horribly easy to get lost in, forever, while you curse like a pirate, lop off a head and shit down somebody's neck. That's where my psychiatrist has his business set up. And he's the closest one I could nab that my insurance would cover. Before this, I was able to see a therapist, only two miles away. There's more to all of this, but that's all I'm going to say. See a pattern?



* I've had my type 2 diabetes under decent control for the past 15 years. I only had to take one capsule of Metformin, each day, during that entire time. Then, as my depression ( which I have- due to several things) deepened, I let my health go to complete hell. If I lost my feet, hands or life I didn't care. I ate what I wanted, basically. My blood sugar count has been skyrocketing in the last 6 months.



Here's what I got out of that type of attitude, that I still partially have, even now:



I'm pissing every hour or so like a drunk in an ocean of beer.



My brain is sluggish because diabetes causes your blood to have the viscous quality of molasses. Duuuuuuuuuuuh.



The rare cuts and bruises I get (no, not from the wife) don't heal quickly. I've had the same light scratches on my leg from a month ago.



And I have all the energy of a slug on acid.



And so much more.



So the doctor has me on insulin now. What absolute joy to have to inject a needle in your thigh or your belly, forever. Such merry thoughts are pip-popping into mind. You must realize I'm dancing right now, singing and wishing that I stroke out, fall to the floor and flounder like the big goddam fish that I goddam am. Yayhoo and Kiss My Hairy White Ass. Girls only, though. They-are-so-lucky.



Which brings me to this:



* I've got a fat chunky hemorrhoid sticking out of my ass. Have you ever tried to push a granite like turd out of your ass and feel your asshole rip out? Well, I've done that. And now, every time I wipe, I scream. Whenever I sit, I scream. It hurts trying find your anus with the cream or the hard white capsule that's shaped with points at the ends. Why can't an angel suddenly appear and gently rub a dollop of "heavenly whipped cream" or something in my crack every minute or so? Tinkerbell comes to mind.


Yeah, I know. She's not an angel. But I bet her hands are nice and soft.

No One's Virginity Is Worth That

Maybe you 've heard this story. The media and the uptights were whipping themselves into a frenzy with this a couple days ago. For myself, I considered it a bit of comedy. It's mighty fucked up, to be sure.

Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old, is selling her virginity online. The top bid is $3.7 million, at the moment. So if ya got wads of cash to throw or shoot on Natalie's magical, virginal whoopity doo and your IQ is beneath that of a turd, go for it. Ebay had her auction removed from their site. She has advertised on the website of The Moonlite BunnyRanch, a licensed brothel, saying:

"Natalie Dylan is a college girl from Sacramento CA.. Not only does she have a degree in Women's Studies, she is looking to raise money to continue her education and get her master's degree in Psychology so she can practice Family Psychology. She comes to us here at the bunny ranch with a very special gift, Natalie is a virgin and would like to sell this priceless and rare commodity in a very exclusive and private setting."

First of all, she ain't that great looking to me.

And even if I had that kind of money, I wouldn't blow it by doing the ol' "pump-n-dump" with her or anybody else , that includes celebrities and 22 year old college girls. Not that I personally have anything against prostitution, of which I think her auction is a form. Anyone who would pay her should be considered a moronic john or "customer", if you will. Of course, it's being done in the part of Nevada where it's legal.

It's her life.... but, I think any future employer may consider her auction to be a blemish on her record. Wonder if her and her lucky customer are going to trade sexual history records to check out if either has any STD's? Not that I care. Maybe he or she will surprise the other by turning into a maniacal, evil freak in the middle of the Big DeVirginization.

That might be scary. Again, if it happens, I promise not to care. Just remember, Natalie and/or Whoever, ye have sowed what ye have reaped. Is that the way it goes? Hell, I can't remember. If it turns out to be a dissapointment, well...

Face Stomping

Hee Ho.

What delightful fun, Mr. Coleman is having. Ooops. It was an accident. Giggle` Giggle. High fives to everyone around him.

The Human Race Is, Indeed, A Freak Show

My latest blog post title certainly suits my latest blog design, eh?



But it is true what I say. You, I and the other inhabitants on this rock are the players in this continuous show. We kill each other for religion, land, oil and whatever reason that suits our fancy. We scrutinize and pass judgement on each other's intelligence, monetary wealth, family background, race, outward appearance, physical abilities and whatever nonsense that comes to mind. We pollute the air we breathe. We overfish and poison the oceans. And we destroy and deforest the land we live on.



WTF?






Dance, monkeys, dance!



It's my belief that all those things I've ranted about are terrible, shallow, insane and suicidal on a planetary scale. Can I get an amen on that?



I don't get it. If we know that the outcome of all our dangerous actions will be the ultimate death of all or most of the human race, why do we continue to do it? There must be a lot of denial going on in our minds. I know any excuses given are worthless compared to what will happen if we don't get our collective mindset right and stop being so fucking crazy.

BIG FANTASTIC THINGS BEING DONE HERE! WHOLE NEW LOOK!

IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS...NEARLY FINISHED.... I OWE KIM AT RETROKIMMER A BIG OL' THANK YOU AND THEN SOME FOR THE WONDERFUL JOB SHE HAS DONE SO FAR. DON'T WORRY. I WILL BE ADDING BACK ALL MY LINKS AND THE OTHER BUTTLOADS OF GOODIES SOON AGAIN. BE PATIENT OR I SHALL PEE ON YOU. SCRATCH THAT. SOME OF YOU PERVS MAY ENJOY THAT SORT OF MALARKEY.

Couldn't Pull Away From This Clip

This video has an odd plot to it. And it's funny as hell, insane and kinda retarded. It may be a good idea to pour yourself about five shots of whiskey and down them one after another before hitting the play button on this clip. Thankfully, I was able to find a bottle of Bacardi in the cabinet and I had half that downed before finding this gem and checking it out. After the first minute, I was kinda groovin' to it. Drink up. You will, too.

I have this irritating feeling I'm going to be embarrassed for posting this clip tomorrow afternoon. Could be a fart bottled up, though.

Give Teachers The Respect They Deserve

More often, you hear of cases where hot young female teachers are having sex with nerdy male students. Trouble is, the little dumb asses tell their friends and eventually, the other teachers find out, then the school board, then the cops, thus ruining the fun for teacher and student. It's a real goddamn shame when the dude can't keep his mouth shut when a gift like that gets dropped in his lap (I'm talking about-her head-in his lap). Thought I'd add that last part because, as you know, I can be too subtle, at times.

Now to me, that's just being ungrateful. If I had a secret like that, I would damn well keep my mouth shut and keep the Love Train ah chuckin' along.

In high school, we had a beautiful blonde teacher that taught English. At least, I think she did. The guys weren't really focused on the subject she taught. Good BuhJesus, the tight, low cut outfits she would wear in the mornings would cause all the guys to pay attention and raise our phallic flags in her honor.

One morning, Miss Busse (We called her Miss Busty -clever, huh?) was passing back our homework papers that she had graded the night before. Miss Busse personally stopped at each student desk to deliver the graded homework. As I was fantasizing about all the various positions I would have liked to put Miss Busty in, I felt a sudden touch on my shoulder. It was Miss Busse. She bent down close to me. I could smell her hair, the natural scent of herself and in the corner of my eye, I saw her creamy, awesome boobs about ready to fall out of her low cut blouse.

As she placed the papers on my desk, I nearly exploded.

Miss Busse, her voice smooth as warm velvet, said, "I can tell you worked hard on this. That's why I gave you an A. Keep up the hard work."

I thought to myself, I am keeping up the hard work. If it were any harder, my zipper would pop off, hit Paul in the eye to the left of me and blind his sorry ass.

Back to my point: The lesson to be learned today is, if you have a hot teacher willing to give you extra special attention, don't blow it. Be grateful for such a generous educator. Give her the respect she deserves. And, most importantly, don't brag to your idiot friends about your good fortune.

Wallowing In Shallow

Big deal about the Golden Globes. The only reason I have ever watched them in the past was in the hopes of seeing up-close, partial boobie shots of my "favorite" actresses.



Hee ho.



What's so horrendously stupid is the media making a big deal about who is dressed in whatever brand name/"artificial" person as they have year after year. Who freaking cares?

I just wanna see boobies.



Most of these celebrities have so much goddamn makeup painted on their faces, they resemble department store mannequins. Have you ever seen one without make up. Scares the shit out of me when I see a picture of one. I want to throw up my hands and say, "Are there anyone of these media-worshiped people going to get to anything close to real looking. Not real close. I don't want to be startled and make a mess in my pants."



Anyway....



We've known a long time that you look pretty much like the rest of us. Tell your agent that your face needs to look like you've gotten out of the house a couple times in your lifetime.



And for all the rest of these wankers who buy those paparazzi rags over the counter. You can stand up and be counted as being just as shallow. Who's give a shit about celebrity lives?



Chance are, they may be as fucked up as the rest of ours. Again, who cares?



I shall now get off my soapbox and open my latest boobie magazine. I thank you, gentle reader, for your patience. Please..... enjoy my sarcasm. Goodbye for now. Don't get hit by any metal trains. See ya.

Candles

I like candles, as long as they don't burn my place down. Have you ever forgotten to blow out your candle before leaving the house or going to bed? Then you wake up or return home to find your candle jar is holding a lake's worth of wax and there is just a teensy, lil' flame weakly flickering on your drowning wick. Don't you feel like a complete dumbass?

No?

Well, you should, damn it.

My cat drank all the liquified wax out of my candle jar a couple months ago and when he pissed and crapped, it smelled like Dreamy Vanilla Cream.

Gosh, that litter pan smelled wonderful, for a change.

Well, enough yakin'. Watch this video clip and learn something important, damn it!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Afraid? You Should Be.

Tired of fearing George Bush's overly familiar, same old-same old Mid-East terrorists? Well, have I got great news for you or what? They're something new for you fucked up, irrational, easily persuaded Americans to be afraid of. And I will divulge this in a minute, you typically impatient American wanker. According to the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security and the WWF, new information has been discovered that will soon change our charmed American lives for the worst. It's bigger than 4 dollar a gallon gas! Bigger than a first black president! Bigger than Brad and Angelina's collection of brown kids! Bigger than an infected genital wort on an old crack whore's labia!

"But how can this be?," you ask, with as much anticipation as a young lad's first time doing it with an old crack whore with oozing vaginal sores.

Well, brace yourselves....

THE FREAKS ARE COMING. Yes, that's right. I said it. Freaks! Vital info has just been found out that details a partial plan about these Freaks and what they want.

From a secret source that shall remain a secret, I have been able to attain photos of some of these enemies and a small amount of info pertaining to them. Here they are.

This is Gary and Barry Skinflute. They are twins. Gary enjoys long Sunday drives on sunny, spring days. Barry, however, does not drive.

This is Wendy. Her nipples are not pierced.

We paid top dollar to get this one of Frank Polesky. After quitting his job as a carnie, Frank was accepted into the Freak organization upon showing off his many skills and talents in ballet.

This is Sarah Silverman. Sometimes, she can be funny. Here, she is showing everyone what her vagina looks like.

The brute on the left Karro Sirrup. The man getting his face grabbed by Sirrup is Budder Scots. Budder watches Masterpiece Theatre. Karro enjoys the soft fur of a kitten. Both engage in the art of fudge packing.

These are but a few of the Freaks that are known. They are gathering, as we speak, preparing to take over America. It's been rumored that they eat vegetables and small children. Be on the lookout!

Survived The Holidays

The mad scrambling done for the sake of Christmas preparations. The cooking. The clean ups. The gift givings. The multiple family visits. The drinking and whatnot on New Year's Eve . The headaches. The stress. The rare periods of bliss. The chaos. It's all over except the recuperating.

The moments that allowed me to engage the world of blogging, in any respect, were very few and far between. It may seem as if I ignored everybody and this site, but believe me, it wasn't a decision I wanted to make. I'm far behind on blog visiting. I promised one dude I'd write a post, for Christmas, on his site. That didn't happen either.

Right now, my head is chock full of sludge. That's the result of way too much "fun" on New Year's Eve. The party we hosted didn't officially stop until five in the morning. And I'm still trying to recover. It's been almost 24 hours since the party ended, too. I'm way too old for this shit.

To all of you I have shunned, both friend, family member and blogging pal, I am truly attempting to rise from the ashes of these damnable holidays to begin "socializing" again.

Please be patient and try to keep the noise down.