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This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

More Of Your Favorite Nursery Rhymes

Little Tommy Tucker

Little Tommy Tucker isn't singing for his supper
What shall we give him? We asked him but he stutters
How do we know what he wants?
How can we tell if he's nuts?
Do we send him to a speech therapist
Or do we lock him, hungry, in his closet?

I'm a Little Teapot

I'm a little despot
Short and stout
I brainwash my people
That I'm a god, without a doubt
When I get all steamed up
My people hear me shout
"I'm going to threaten to nuke
so our enemies will shake about
and if that doesn't work out
I'll have no choice but to sit here
and pout, pout, pout!"

One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, six, deflate the blow up doll
Seven, eight, put it beneath the bed
Nine, ten, open the door with fly unzipped
Eleven, twelve, at the door, a woman doth scream
Thirteen, fourteen, my penis still drips
Fifteen, sixteen, I try to think up a scheme
Seventeen, eighteen, the woman drops to her knees
Nineteen, twenty, oh those blessed lips

Ding Dong Bell

Ding, dong, bell,
What's that goddamn smell?

And why the sly grin?
Did you cut the cheese?

What did you eat?
Some kind of maggoty meat?
What a disgusting fiend you are
To fart without warning
In my brand new car
Now I'm going to stop and get out
To beat you severely
With my heavy new iron bar

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Row, row, row your boat
Too close to a Somali pirate ship
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Your day's about to turn to shit

Old King Cole

Old King Cole was a scary old politician
And a scary old politician was he;
As he stonewalled on job creation
As he called for misinformation
As the poor were in desperation
And every rich man became richer
And had clever machinations indeed
Oh, there's none so rare as can compare
With King Cole and his corporate strings

There Was a Crooked Man

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He dated a crooked woman, who had plenty of style.
He bought a crooked house, which was built on a slant
Then he saw his new wife in bed, fucking an eggplant

For more of your favorite nursery rhymes-- CLICK HERE


middle child said...

Oh,..thank you for these! I needed something to read to my grandkids and since Mother Goose is so violent,....

Kelly said...

middle child- Lol... You're welcome. You know- I always do what I can to bring today's families together and make life easier for the grannies and grampies.

LilPixi said...

Good stuff! When I was in 6th grade I had to write a book of poetry & nonsense nursery rhymes were to take up a whole chapter. Man, I can't believe that book didn't get me institutionalized early.

Gorilla Bananas said...

No one who's just farted should have a look on his face like that guy. I only fart in the great outdoors, but I still don't make faces like that. He badly needs to have his balls waxed.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Thanks, LilPixi. I would have liked to have read that book. I bet it was "very creative". One teacher, back when I was in fifth grade, was trying to convince my parents that I should see a shrink for a few of the creative short stories I wrote, as an assignment for English class. I didn't have anything violent or disturbing in them. She, I think, was just blown away by my imagination and thought my imaginative stories weren't "normal" enough for her. Therefore, in her mind, I wasn't normal.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- I never hold my toots in. That's dangerous for your health. When I'm amongst friends and family, I like to announce, proudly, that "I HAVE JUST FARTED!" This way, people have a chance to hold their breath and not vomit from my rectal fragrance.

I'm thoughtful, that way. :-)

The Wolf said...

Ahhh now those just warm the heart don't they. I don't really know becuase I don't have one just a black empty hole. I think disney should turn these into a movie.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- You should do with your empty-hole-where-the-heart-should-be the same as I do with mine... Fill it with beer and visions of destruction.

klahanie said...

Kelly dude, not one to be crude or even lewd, I think your rhymes, befit the crimes.
Seriously clever and yes thought provoking reworking of some of our favourite and most cherished Nursery Rhymes. So I thank you for sharing this and it would be great if they could be recited in kiddie's classrooms all over the land. Hmmm...maybe not :-)
Take care Kelly and I do hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Gary :-)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Hey there, friend. I hope your life is going alrighty dighty these days. You're never lewd, crude or nude that I can see. Of course, I'm not peekin' in at you at the moment or anything so I don't know what sort of mischief you're into. Before I ramble on and get any stranger, I thanketh thee for thy kind words said here.

Lol... Yes, I agree... maybe not suitable in the kiddie classrooms. Or even the adult ones. I might confuse the older "kids" into a state of stupor. Can't have that. :-) That's a rough state from what I hear. Take care, Gary.

THE SNEE said...

It looks like Mother Goose got into the Gander, if you get my drift( I'm not sure I even get my drift btw)! I'm of course drawn to Little Tommy Tucker being a Speech Pathologist and all. Hope you are well Sir Kelly.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- I think you're saying and meaning that Mother Goose might have gotten into the ol' moonshine supply and drank herself silly. Also: I'm sending Tommy Tucker your way since you have expertise in the field. I have no idea if Tommy or his family have medical insurance so you might wanna help him out- out of charity. If you don't- back in the closet, he goes. :) Take care, Rebecca!

Lana Gramlich said...

Ha! Good ones. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Kelly said...

Lana- Glad you liked them. :)

Greg said...

Interesting uses for eggplants Kelly, very interesting. I always wondered why the ladies are looking for good stiff eggplants, and they seem to look at them a little more lustfully.

Kelly said...

Greg- And now you know why they give 'em that look of lust now. They're thinking of makin' that sweet, sweet vegetable love to them. My hope is, is that they never suddenly grab one at the store, use it for their pleasure and put it back in case.

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