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Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Endless Ice Age And A Rude Imbecile

The endless Ice Age that most of the country is suffering from is getting mighty old. You got your collapsing buildings from the snow, frozen car doors and everyday sub-freezing temperatures that cause your balls and beavers to ice up whenever you walk out the friggin' door to get the mail or go to work. It just won't stop. For once, I'd like to take a walk in the park where I'm not wearing four layers of clothes and three pairs of socks over my dingle.

And a car trip from our parking lot to the beginning of the road? It can be like taking your life in your own hands and kissing your frozen gooseberries a heartfelt goodbye. Not that I could bend over that far. Hell, if I could, I wouldn't be wasting my valuable time writing this post right now. I'd be gettin' busy.

When I went for my walk today, the temperature had risen up to a balmy 35 degrees Fahrenheit. Woo hoo. A friggin' heat wave, nowadays! As I started my stroll, I was surprised to see four kids, wearing parkas, coats, scarfs and those big woolly Russian hats, playing tennis on the courts while I was there. They were running around, batting the ball back and forth, making the best of a freezing situation. Good for them, I say. Ironically, during the summer months, you would be lucky to see the tennis courts being used even once in the park.

The other night, we went to Taco Bell to try out their new steak and cheese burritos. I know "the Bell" has gotten a bad rap, lately, due to the report or accusation that they're not using 100% ground beef in their food but that doesn't bother me much. For one thing, I think you could say a lot of shit about other fast food chains that would be worse. The McRib from McDonald's, anyone? What kind of "meat" is that? Is that something taken from the hide off of a yeti?

Below: The new steak and cheese burrito. A little spicy but tasty, nevertheless.

Anyway, while we're sitting there, a guy dressed in gangsta or punk clothing, complete with a hat being worn backwards, torn t-shirt and jeans sliding down to his ass crack, comes in and talks really, really loud. This guy wants to be heard. He is a first class Attention Craver, not to mention A-1 Asshole. First, the fashion-impaired, twenty-something year old punk complains about how cold it is in the restaurant. Then he remarks to the employees how they should start paying their heating bills so the place was warmer for him.

Meanwhile, the patrons of the restaurant are ignoring him and chowing away on their pseudo Mexican fare while the delightful dumbass continues his barrage of scintillating commentary. In between talking to my wife about how her day at work went, I can't help but to hear this dude's outbursts to the management and the employees. At one point, he leans over the counter and shouts to the employees in back, regarding his food order, to "Take care of me on that cheese!"

I'm guessing that was his cordial way of letting them know that he wanted them to put extra cheese on whatever it was he ordered. If it were me preparing his food, I would have pulled my peppy gigglestick from my trousers and spurted my own homemade type cheese onto his tacos and then see if he would have enjoyed munching on that.

Though I enjoyed the new burritos they had there, I found the imbecile's behavior a little annoying. I'm surprised the manager didn't ask him to leave. Fortunately, the guy and his quieter pal didn't stay too long. They quickly ate their food and took off. Before leaving, the guy asked a female employee, trying her best to ignore him, if she was married. When she quickly replied that she was engaged, the lout said, "Damn, that's too bad. But you know... we could still meet up after your shift's over. You feelin' me?"

Ahh... a charmer til' the end. The girl, noticeably irritated, forced herself to smile at the irresistible fuckwad and turned around to continue cleaning a table. Prince charming then walked out the door, jabbering away about how "damn cold" it was in there.

Watch the Metrodome stadium roof collapse under the weight of over two feet of snow.


bazza said...

Wow! Are your winters usually this severe Kelly? We are getting around 11 degrees Celsius (that's about 51 Farenheit) at the moment.
I suggest you get your burritos as take-out next time!
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Gorilla Bananas said...

You should take a blow torch with you when you go out to melt the icicles on your bodily appendages. Those things can fall off if you're not careful. Might also come in handy for heating up the butt cracks of punks who complain about the heating in restaurant.

LilPixi said...

I think most of us would have put something a lil extra special on that fuckwads taco.

The list of substitutes they have in their beef are A LOT better than MEAL WORM, I can tell you that. Then I'd be running for the border to never go back.

Shit, that video was crazy.

Lana Gramlich said...

Why can't we send dickwads like that to the moon, say, for the ultimate season of "Survivor."

Kelly said...

bazza- In the last couple of years the winters have been increasingly severe. Of course, in the past, we've had our fair share of blizzards in the Midwest but the difference with this winter is the virtual non-stop snowfall (sometimes a half inch worth, sometimes eight inches worth a day) and below freezing temperatures. Since December 1st, there has been only six days where it hasn't snowed at all. And only 5 or 6 days when the temperature has been barely over the freezing mark. I could take you to a park over here where you can see the first snow that hit the ground that first day of December.

When we've had blizzards in the past (up to two feet of snow in a couple days) the temperature would eventually rise up enough to melt the snow completely away and then we wouldn't see snow again for a couple of weeks, at best.

My next post is going to detail the obvious reason why we are facing such severity in our weather. Stay tuned! :)

Btw, 51 degrees sounds like freakin' heaven on Earth about now. You guys are fortunate. You suggest we get our burritos as take-out next time? Hahaha.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- That sounds like a rip-dandy idea. Blow torch to the genitals? I bet that would make me giggle. I would have greatly enjoyed blow torching the punk's butt crack, not to mention the rest of his body. I think everyone at the restaurant would have applauded me during that performance.

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Lol. So true. Most everyone there would have added a little something special to the dickwad's food. I think if someone told me there was meal worm in the food I had just eaten, I would puke until I had the dry heaves. I can't handle maggots or the thought of meal worms in my food. Yeah, that video is a shocker. :)

Kelly said...

Lana Gramlich- That's a good idea, Lana. Or we could drop him next to a volcano about to erupt. See if he can outrun the lava. That might be amusing. ;-)

Greg said...

Perhaps we should force him to do some sort of community working at Taco Bell.

It is a bit cold out their lately, maybe the summer will be warmer than normal, hey?

frankly I'm tires of the snow, and I've tried the blow torch method, and well they're working on reattaching it now..

THE SNEE said...

SNEE FLASH! Seasonal Irritability Season(SIS) is reaching epidemic proportions Kelly. Roof's collapsing, children out of school, ice dams are proliferating at an alarming rate, super-sized icicles reminiscent of Freddie Kruger's creepy finger nails are impaling cars, and driving or walking has become life threatening. The good news freezer space has expanded 10 fold which means freezer storage capacity is at an all time high! Hmmm? I better make a plan for spring thaw.

Kelly said...

Greg- Your 'community service' idea works for me. Perhaps if obnoxious punks like that were forced to work in hard, thankless jobs like that, they wouldn't be so quick to mouth off. But then, I don't think they could handle it. Maybe a fired up blow torch to the nuts would act as incentive to be a decent human being. We can only dream.

From what research I've done on the current weather patterns for the last couple of decades, we will likely be experiencing extremes in weather- during the winter seasons and summer. More on that subject in my next post.

I'm way past tired of the snow. It passed the point of ridiculous a month ago. Redundancy with anything in life is hell- even the good shit... if you think about it. Good luck, my friend, on the re-attachment of your chestnuts from the open fire. After the Ice Age passes, we'll have the heat waves and drought to look forward to in Indiana. Yippee!

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- I think you're quite correct in your assessment of 'Seasonal Irritability Season'. I enjoyed your humorous and realistic descriptions of all that is happening this winter in most of the U.S. I guess you've heard or read by now, that snow has fallen, from minor amounts to major amounts (which is mostly the case) in 49 of our 50 states. They say we've broken so many records this winter season with the temps and the snow that it's well beyond ridiculous. But, I'll put on my "happy face", dance a merry jig and have wild fantasies about baking in the heat of a increasingly ozone-depleted atmosphere this summer and the next and the next and... Yippee, I say, with just too much enthusiasm. lol. I have no doubt about your freezer space has expanded 10 fold thus far. When you say "freezer space", you are talking about 90% of the country, aren't you?

On a better than cheery note, I say to you, Rebecca... Take care of thee and thy loved ones and have yourself a merry little afternoon or evening or something. :) I shall endeavor to do likewise.

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,
Sadly, I'm not surprised by your tales of woe at the restaurant. Seems to be a few folks around like that and they usually get tolerated. Which gives them the idea that they can get away with it and do it again and again.
And yes, I think some special cheesy stuff and a bit of butt gravy would have been a great idea to add that extra dimension to whatever he ordered. Then again, he might have enjoyed it.
Sorry to note your weather is still testing your testicles. It's warm and tropical here, in lil' ol' England. Okay, slight exaggeration!
Take care friend, stay positive and keep smiling :-)

Kelly said...

klahanie- Yeah, more often than not, people like that are tolerated in public places. The manager was standing right there, the whole time. And he was a guy about your or my age- Someone you would think would have said, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice and refrain from being impolite." At the very least, he could have said something to that effect. Eh, at least he wasn't there too long. Adding butt gravy would have been a nice touch, in place of sour cream. But you're right... the dumbass would have probably enjoyed it.

Good to hear it's warm and tropical there where you're at. Ha ha. Time to jump in the pool, eh? Sure. Bazza said it was 51 degrees Fahrenheit there yesterday. 51 sounds pretty darn dandy about now.

Hey man, thanks for taking a break from your email marathon long enough to stop by and comment. Marathons of any kind sound exhausting. Here, let me give you a nice warm glass of "lemonade" to quench your thirst. Take care, dude. :-)

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