I don't know if you've noticed or not but we're currently living and struggling in a recession. Well, at least 98% of us are. The other 2%, the Über-wealthy (those being careful not to be in direct contact with we, the peasantry) among us believe we are no longer in a recession... but they can go fuck their self-delusional selves, of course. Is this class envy, some of you may suspect? Nope. Just simple, clear minded observation of today's reality. Join me for a tiny taste of reasoning, won't you?
Anyway, I digress...
I have put just a whole lot of thought and consideration of the current holiday and over commercialized gift giving season and have come up with some delightful gifts that are simple to make or find for both friends or family. You can bet your sweet bippy that they'll enjoy these special presents for many years to come. And best of all, none of these items will ever go out of style.
Without further ado:
BAG
This simple item can be used to put your stuff in and is especially affordable during these hard times. Think of all the fun you can have with BAG and be sure to note the look of wonder and glee in your child's eyes once they open their gift box and see BAG for themselves. One of the most impressive qualities this item has is it's ability to be taken almost anywhere... except at the airport, where your courteous airport security personnel will happily treat you like a terrorist and give you a deep cavity search just for attempting to carry your average supermarket BAG on a plane. BAG can also be handy as a container for used facial or toilet tissue.
Other uses with BAG include but are not exclusive to: placing over an insidiously ugly citizen's face, placing over one's shoes so the individual can not only keep their footwear clean and dry but they can slip, fall and break their fucking neck and last, but certainly not least, BAG can handily function as a way for suffocating an insufferable, irritating douche bag any time of the year.
TURD
This particular item can be home made by eating enough food and being able to push it out of one's butt hole. It's the kind of gift that shows to loved ones, friends and family that you truly care because it is so personal. What's more, TURD may be used in conjunction with BAG so instead of the recipient getting only one gift under the Christmas tree this holiday season, they may receive two at one time. What a delightful bonus! If you should not want to go through the effort of producing TURD yourself, due to either constipation or pure laziness (as in "I don't give a shit"), feel free to go to your neighborhood park or back yard to find a fresh or not-so-fresh cat, dog, deer, fox or Sasquatch TURD.
What co worker, friend or family member wouldn't be instilled with feelings of endearment and joy this holiday season by finding this special stocking stuffer? Special considerate additions to TURD could be: incompletely digested corn, blood, a bit of hemorrhoid or a dollop of whipped cream on top. Go ahead! Make TURD special this Christmas!
ARTWORK
This gift has a multitude of possibilities and as a bonus, it serves as a way to express yourself, creatively, whether it's handmade and or something you bought cheaply from a very starving artist or took from an orphan child while it cried. ARTWORK can be something drawn on a piece of paper. Such as: A smiley-faced stick figure. Or... A peace sign. Or... A child's handmade drawing of his or her family soaked with well spent tears after you robbed them of it.
ARTWORK need not be categorized as something only painted, drawn or tattooed above one's buttocks. Indeed, ARTWORK can be something made or used out of any one of the following: clay, Popsicle sticks, paper mache, aluminum foil, wood (careful with that knife), hardened mucous "boogers" and of course, the ol' tried and true, TURD. You may want to use gloves with that last one. With 'boogers" there's no real need because you can simply lick your fingers after you're done. No mess, no fuss.
GLASS JAR
Some may argue that this invaluable present is a bit too much like BAG and that I may be repeating myself in some fashion but I disagree. GLASS JAR is a much sturdier gift and is much more efficient for holding liquids and jelly-like substances. No real chance for leakage, especially if you have the lid screwed on nice and tight. Well, now that I've said those two words, I have a substantial boner. Who would have thought? GLASS JAR can be also used for quickly flinging into a continuously disagreeable individual's face. You know, that special someone who delights in disagreeing with you on every single goddamn thing that you say just for the fucking sake of disagreeing with you.
But I digress...
Additionally, GLASS JAR can be used for containing homemade jellies and jams, moonshine, pee, a fart or two (however many you can fit in) or an imaginary sum of cash. For that last suggestion, I suggest you print the cash value of the imaginary amount of cash that is supposedly in GLASS JAR and tape it firmly on the side of GLASS JAR. Otherwise, this unique gift just won't have as much meaning and the recipient will not be able to appreciate the real value of his or her gift and will therefore be somewhat displeased.
Well, that's all I can or care to think of at the moment. I hope I've enhanced your holiday and gift giving experiences with these festive ideas. If you wish, you may thank me for these helpful suggestions by leaving a thoughtful comment in my comment box. In conclusion, I wish all of my readers (all three of them) a very merry, joy-filled, awkward family gathering Christmas this year.
Seasons Greetings, everyone!
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13 comments:
Geez Kelly, you've gone all prolific and a sick dude like me is struggling to keep up.
Ha ha...Anyway, what a great collection of gift-making ideas in these tough times. I marvel at your ingenuity and thank you for some outstanding suggestions.
I'm thinking of using a toilet roll, poking a hole in it, putting tin foil in the hole, poking holes in the tin foil, taping up one end and turning it into a novelty pipe. Now I wonder what sort of dried leaves should be place in the hole with the tin foil. Hmmmmm....
Peace and far out, maaann....
I'd prefer to put the turd in the glass jar so it's visible. It would also be artwork, killing three birds with one stone. How about a fart instead of gift wrapping?
Well shit Kelly I wish I knew of these marvelous gift ideas before I went Christmas shopping that could have saved a bundle. I have a question though if I give a turd sprinkled with bits of peanuts is that considered artwork?
klahanie- Thank you, kindly, sir for the compliments. I'm hoping you're feeling better. Your thinking, regarding that very SPECIAL novelty pipe, sounds like a grand idea. I've made quite a few of those type of quick and handy pipes myself, in the past. I was always praised, by friends, at my fine craftsmanship at the time. Heh heh.
Maybe you could use Bay leaves in that hole. Nah... I'm sure you could think of something better. Yes, indeedy do. Whatever you decide to put in there, I hope you have a very peaceful and far out of your mind day, tooo, mannn. :)
Gorilla Bananas- That's a splendid idea you have, Mr. Bananas. You've managed to combine all four wonderful seasonal gifts. You could also use fresh vomit for the gift wrapping, as well.
Happy Holidays
The Wolf- Darn it! I wish you could have caught sight of this handy post before doing your Xmas shopping, too. Well, there's always birthdays, Easter and next Christmas... so chin up!
And in answer to your important question, the turd may be considered ARTWORK if sprinkled with peanuts, whipped cream and a cherry. For some, that would make it a sundae, as well. Season's Greetings!
I'm so lucky that I read your post before shopping! I looked in my kitchen, and I have BAG, GLASS JAR, ARTWORK, and.....unfortunately TURD got flushed. Do you think that CAN would be a good gift too?
Kelly, Thanks so much for the holiday cheer. I've been out of commission for the last two weeks, and I'm so happy to have access to your creative mind!
THE SNEE- That's very unfortunate that TURD got flushed but you know what they say... "There's always more where that came from." So put on a happy face and try to squeeze one out for that special someone this year! They'll be overjoyed.
Of course, CAN would be an excellent gift. It can be pre-filled with soup or any other goopy-loopy item you can think of. If you want to leave it completely empty, that is also an excellent option. You can write on the the side of it something like this:
Here is your CAN, (fill in recipient's name). I just want you to know I have filled it with all my love for you, this Christmas.
Then they can look into CAN and imagine your love in it or some shit like that. :)
You're welcome for the holiday cheer. I seem to be so full of it, especially these days, that it's quirting out of every orifice. I'm glad you stopped by. I was getting worried about you, lady. I thought the Abominable Snowman ate you.
Have a holly jolly Christmas, Rebecca!
Ha ha! Awesome Ideas!! BAG and TURD are perfect for the kids this year. Although I think the inclusion of LOG should not be overlooked as a great gift idea as well.
LOG is an item made of wood and comes in a variety of colors, sizes and shapes. LOG is extremely affordable since you can find LOG practically anywhere outdoors. LOG can be used for many things such as tossing through a storefront window to steal your favorite goodies; start a fire with LOG and stay warm through the winter; with more than one LOG you can build a makeshift shelter to replace the home you make have lost to foreclosure. LOG is also a great way to deal with a terrorist who tries to use JAR on you, or the TSA employee who attempts to give you a deep cavity search for carrying BAG on your person. When you gift the gift of LOG, they'll be smiling for years to come. It's the perfect way to show the ones you love how much they mean to you. LOG™
Thanks, dude. You know me... Always trying my darnedest to help the poor and needy any way I can.
And oh yeah, we gotta include LOG as an affordable gift suggestion. Thanks for that idea! Who wouldn't be overjoyed with finding LOG under the tree this year?... Or in the fireplace, for that matter? There are just so many uses for LOG as you've so helpfully pointed out.
LOG could also be of good use to cheerfully bash in an insufferable, loud mouthed family member's head around the table during the Christmas feast. Everyone 'round the table will likely applaud you for your ingenuity with LOG, in that scenario. Talk about your Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho.
And let us not forget LOG's close cousin, STICK. Just think of the many wondrous activities to be had with STICK.
Why, yes...STICK can be used in a variety of ways! Sharpened to a fine point, STICK makes quick work of Santa's lap area when he gets a little to frisky and touchy-feely with the kids. Beating a mugger off with STICK is so simple even a blind person can do it. And as an added bonus: Using STICK to inflict UGLY is no problem, since STICK has plenty of knotholes! Oh, what a plentiful Christmas season it is after all!!
Static- Excellent ideas for uses with STICK. STICK may also be located up the asses of most angry conservatives and Republicans.
"Using STICK to inflict UGLY is no problem,..." lol. If that's the case, there are quite a few people who may already own STICK, judging by my latest ventures out amongst the public. Damn, people... A lot of you need to wear BAG over your freakishly hideous faces.
merry christmas
This is an interesting article. I like this cool gift ideas and I enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for guiding me through this. Rarely do I find good entries that would walk me through. Great post.
toni
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