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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Santa's North Pole

My wife, when she was 12 years old, was already starting to fill in at the top. In other words, her words, she had a rack. I wouldn't know. Coincidentally, we lived in the same neighborhood at the time, but I really didn't know her. The first time she ever saw me, I was up in a tree making noises like a monkey. But that's another story.

For that reason-and many more-I'm surprised she agreed, years later, to marry me. But I digress.

Anyway, her mom convinced her to sit on Santa's lap that year in our town's Santa's Castle. My wife had told her she really didn't feel like it. Santa's Castle was basically a red and white shed on wheels. It kind of resembled a castle. If you squinted long enough at it and drank enough tequila.

Santa promted her to come forward, noticing she was embarrassed and a little nervous. Finally, she got the nerve and sat on his lap. Lo and behold, my wife said she felt Santa's North Pole bumping into her butt crack. She was so shocked and frightened by this, she quickly got off jolly ol' St. Nick's lap, posthaste. When she turned around, sure enough, he was saying, "Ho ho
ho" while "pitchin' a tent" in his festive red pants.

She also said she could smell the alcohol on his breath during the short time she was on his lap.

I forgot to ask her if Santa inquired as to why she got off before he had the chance to ask her what she wanted. Maybe he figured it out in his drunken stupor.

She never thought of anybody in a Santa suit quite the same way since. She laughs about that incident now. I'm glad. Heh heh.

8 comments:

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

Playing santa is a notorious pervert gig. I'd never set my kid on some weirdo's lap. yick.

Kelly said...

I'd feel nervous about it, considering what happened to my wife when she was a kid. Now, on the other hand, I wouldn't mind playing Santa at an adult party and havin' the chicks sit on my North Pole. Heh heh.

Bonnie said...

The makes me sick on so many levels. Gross. I have been sitting on santas knee for 21 years now and never have I encountered such a perv, although I'm pretty sure here (New Zealand) You aren't allowed to sit on santas knee any more you have to sit on the side of his chair, something to do with paedophiles I think.

Kelly said...

I'm sure that sitting on the side of his chair does have something to do with cautionary measures against child molestation. I'm sure most men playing Santa Clause are safe but it's those few that ruin it for everyone.

Gareth said...

It is always the few that cause problems for everyone. It is such a shame that every man who plays Santa gets tarred with the same brush.

We are taking our daughter to see Santa this weekend, and as Bonnie has said above, its the same here in the UK. She won't be getting to sit on Santa's knee!

Kelly said...

I didn't know that about Australia and the U.K. It's been awhile since I've been to the mall around Christmas to see "Santa". My wife and I don't have kids. They may be doing that here in the U.S. now for all I know. Not sure. Anyway, I'm glad you stopped by. I like your blog.

Me-Me King said...

I had a similar experience. I was also 12 (with a rack) wearing my white go-go boots. As my younger sister sat upon Santa's lap, he had his arm around my waist. Although the photo had been snapped, Santa's death gripped was finally broken by my dad! Not a pretty sight.

Kelly said...

I bet that was an uncomfortable, awkward scene, Me-Me. Especially since your dad actually had to use a little force to get ya away from him.

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