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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

G.I. Joe F*cked My Satellite Dish

G.I. Joe, America's hero, fresh from a tour of duty in Afghanistan, kindly asked if he could stay the week at my place. Since I have the highest respect for our nation's military, there was no way, I knew, that I would turn the poor, traumatized, soldier down. And as a result of shrapnel blast from a roadside bomb, Joe had received many injuries.

After several days, however, I noticed something amiss about G.I. Joe's behavior. One evening, while I had previously been in the living room, I went into the kitchen to retrieve my cup of coffee and was surprised to catch him in the act of fucking it. I shouted, "Stop it, you sick bastard!" Instead of ceasing his actions, he pressed on.

After not finding relief with the cup, the little bugger went after the stuffed gorilla to give him a bit more stuffing. I was outraged. I shouted, "I demand you stop or you will have to leave, immediately!"

He quickly got off the gorilla and ran away to hide. The next day, Joe showed that he was mad at me by taking a dump on my kitchen floor.

Immediately after his bowel movement, Joe quickly sprinted out the door to fuck my satellite dish. I wondered why the reception on my TV was fuzzy.

Unable to find sexual relief with the dish, Joe went to work on a book I had nearly finished. When the bastard was done, he wrote a note and placed it on the last page of the book. It said: Here ya go, Asshole! I finished it for ya!

I didn't see him for almost the rest of the entire day. Then suddenly, he jumped out of nowhere and he hurriedly bound up Piglet's hands with rope and began using the poor animal for his carnal delight.

Curious from hearing the shrieking of a bound Piglet, my innocent feline comes out to investigate the calamity. Joe is rude, as usual.

These words, DO NOT ENTER, mean nothing to that fiendish G.I. Joe. Look at what he's doing to the base of the sign! Oh, the humanity!

Finally, after days of no satisfaction, Joe took matters into his own hands. Being the gentleman, I shall leave it up to your imagination as to how he accomplished his goal. Clue: Look at his hands.

The next day, he left a happier man. Before he walked out the door, he attempted to shake my hand and thank me for putting up with him, but I stepped back and said, "Hey, that's okay, dude. Just try to get your act together and maybe go see a doctor or something." He chuckled a bit at that, then skipped out the door.

I have to admit... I'm glad he found relief, but damn, he created chaos at my place. Never again will I allow him to stay here. I learned a valuable lesson.


LilPixi said...

OMG, that was HILARIOUS!!

It's like a G.I. Joe discovers masturbation tale.

I hope no one tells that mofo where I live. I'm sick of guests that come in here & hump all my possessions.

Gorilla Bananas said...

That's a womble, not a gorilla, and I don't believe it's getting stuffed. Joe's sad secret, which you have tried so valiantly to hide, is that's he's all pelvis and no dick. I hope you're going to give Joe free copies of those photos. Charging him would be deeply unpatriotic.

klahanie said...

Aha Kelly, brilliant, zany and surreal!
Dude, apologies for being, shall we say, 'missing in action',recently.
Anyhow, I is now here.
How did that song go?
'G. I. Joe, G. I. Joe, F**k man from head to toe. On the land, on the sea, in the air and Kelly's place...'
Take care and stay positive, dude.
Gary :-) said...

BEST post of the day.

And as a man, I've been there. Sometimes you just need to hump absolutely everything you can.

Anonymous said...

I am still sitting here laughing my ass off, Heathen!!!

That was great!! Love it, love it, love it!!

Thank you so much for the morning comic relief... it went SO well with my coffee and 'cream'.


Kelly said...

LilPixi- Glad you liked it. You're right. It is like a G.I. Joe jerking off tale. Maybe somehow, I can contact some movie producers and have them make a movie out of this. I doubt it would get that coveted PG rating, though.

Tell your guests to stop humping your coffee table and do something constructive... like discussing the merits of growing corn.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- No, it's a gorilla, alrighty. lol. It said it was a gorilla right on the package when I bought it for my wife on Valentine's day long ago. Now, it's a toy for the cat.

Joe posed for playgirl magazine, he said, and he added that if anyone needs prove that he has a one inch schlong, they should look up that particular issue. Because I'm so patriotic, I only charged Joe a few thousand for the photos.

Kelly said...

klahanie- Thank you, Gary, I'm glad you liked it. Let me tell you, when I found out that Joe had secretly hitched a ride in my truck when I went to the park that morning, I had no idea that I'd catch him humping that sign. Can you imagine your surprise if that happened to you? Gosh.

No problem on arriving later than normal. I know how it is when you're busy. I like your lil' G.I. Joe song. You should get that produced professionally in a studio. It would be a big hit. Speaking of which... :-)

Have a great and peaceful day, Gary.

Kelly said... Thanks for the great compliment.

I know what ya mean, being a man, myself. When I walk into the store, I regularly hump the Pepsi machines. People just think I'm trying a new way to get a free drink. Like rubbing a Genie's Lamp or something. :-)

Kelly said... Warning: It's tough to duct tape your ass back onto yourself after laughing it off.

I appreciate what you said. Thank ya, Penny. I'm glad this lil' tale went so well with your coffee and "cream". Hopefully, it won't leave a disturbing taste in your mouth later. lol. Take care, Penny. said...

Is 'rubbin the genie's lamp' a new euphemism I missed somewhere?

Also, thanks for the support. It's an honor to be your newest follower and on your blog roll. I'll keep doing my best to keep you impressed!

Kelly said... Lol... "Is 'rubbin the genie's lamp' a new euphemism I missed somewhere?" That's funny, dude. Yeah, it is a euphemism, but I'm just leaving it to interpretation. :-)

No problem about the support and you're welcome about being put on the blogroll. If you ever wanna to email me about your situation or anything else, feel free. I've been told I'm a pretty good listener.

Lovin' your blog, man. Take care.

rinns said...

Dude, GI Joe is a freakin jerk!

Loved your post :D

The Wolf said...

GI Joe what an asshole. I bet he's the kind of person that fucks another person in the ass and dosen't have the commom curtesy to give them a reach around.

Kelly said...

rinns- That bastard ruined my furniture with his rude antics. He's the jerkiest jerk in all of Jerkland.

Glad you loved the post. As always, I comment on someone's blog when they comment on mine so I'll be stopping by yours for a visit soon.

Kelly said...

The Wolf- I found out that's true, according to what my cat said, after G.I. Joe gave him a surprise butt rape.

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