This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

In One Part of The World

In one part of the world, there is a child, crying out to it's mother, wishing to be held. The mother, upon hearing the cries of anguish, runs to her child. The child sobs while holding onto his leg. A heartbreaking scene. The mother sees he has a scratch on his knee.

"What happened, Danny?," she asks.

"I ran and jumped on Woof Woof, then I fell off and he got me with his hoof," complained the boy.

Danny's mother bent down to inspect his scratch and pointed, with her index finger, saying, "I'll take care of this and you'll feel much better."

And with that said, she stood up and went into the house to get the first aid kit. When she came back out, she cleaned his scratch, put antibiotic cream on his minor wound and covered it with a bandage adorned with cute cartoon characters of orange dinosaurs and grinning unicorns. Her son's face brightened and was smiling.

After his mom was done, she kissed his forehead and stood back up. Woof Woof, the happy-go-lucky pig suddenly ran over and rubbed up against the mother's leg. She pat him on the head and was about to go back into the house to make an ice cold pitcher of fresh lemonade until she abruptly turned around with a large military weapon, calmly aimed and caused Woof Woof to explode in many pieces of various size. Bone fragments, blood, brain matter, other odds and ends and flesh scattered in every direction.

"There you go, sweety," said Danny's mother, "All better now."

The boy plucked a wet chunk off his face and ate it. "Tastes like chicken," said Danny.

Beside him, Woof Woof's mouth was lying on the ground. It opened up and said, "Rut roh." Danny giggled.

In one part of the world, a politician find himself in a tough quandary over cutting jobs in the fire department of his city in order to keep the budget from going into the red.

The middle aged man looks up towards the ceiling and says a prayer, almost whispering, "Lord, please give me strength."

That's when Tom Berkland had an idea that would solve everything. Quickly, he got up from his office chair, grabbed his suit jacket off the hook and went out the door of the mayor's office. He couldn't believe he had wasted this much time.

Minutes later, Tom was in church. The priest walked over to Tom, kindly placed his hand on the mayor's shoulder and asked, "May I help you, Tom?"

Tom looked at the church collection plate sitting on one of the stands. Hurriedly, Tom pulled down his pants, sliced off his genitals and gingerly placed his junk on the collection plate. Bleeding profusely, Tom groaned in pain while the priest smiled and followed that with the words, "A rather small offering, isn't it?"

That's when the circus clowns came in on their mini bikes, honking and cheering and pissing on the floor. Bright, multi colored streamers fell from the ceiling as the mayor collapsed to the floor, bleeding to death and shitting himself.

In one part of the world, a single man and his two married friends go to the only local pizza joint to pick up two large deluxe pizzas that had been ordered earlier on the phone. On the way home, they encounter a homeless person standing on a curb. At least, they believe he may be a homeless person. He's holding a sign that says he is hungry and has been traveling on foot.

The single man, who is driving, stops the car at the red light beside the curb. The panhandler smiles. The driver gets a digital camera out of his coat pocket, aims it toward the panhandler. The traveler sees this and decides to crouch down and strike a happy pose for the driver.

The driver takes the picture. The occupants of the car give him a friendly wave, thanking him for allowing them to take his picture. After the light changed, the car slowly turned right and continued down the road. One of them asked, "Do you think we should have let him have a piece of pizza?"

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe I did that!," exclaimed the driver.

"What?," inquired the other male passenger, "Take a picture of the homeless guy? Not offer him any pizza?"

"No," said the driver, "Forget to ask for extra garlic sauce at the pizza place."

The woman in the back seat put her hand over her mouth and snickered.

Then the others joined in and laughed just as a semi truck suddenly jumped over the raised concrete median strip. Laughs quickly turned into screams as the car, with no time to stop, plowed into the side of the huge truck, sending glass, metal, blood and body parts everywhere.

The truck driver slowly got out, visibly shaken and was about to inspect the damage of the crash and to see if he could possibly help anyone that was still alive. When he saw the destruction, the trucker shook his head. In that moment, the man who had just posed for a picture on the curb showed up. Carefully, the man picked through the mess until he found a pizza box. He opened it, took a bite from a pizza slice and frowned.

Then the panhandler remarked, "Those fuckers didn't ask for extra garlic sauce."

That's when a jumbo jet, without warning, crashed into the middle of the wreckage, exploded on impact, killing everyone on the highway in a substantial radius and engulfed property and people in the flames of death. That very same day, there was to be no more pizza deliveries or pizza carry out orders in town. A sad day for pizza lovers.

Somehow, they struggled on. And just as the townspeople adjusted to the reality of what had transpired and the fact they were unable to order pizzas, an atomic bomb was dropped upon the town and never again, would they be able to order a pizza. Neither pepperoni or the sausage variety. But... at least they had the clowns. And really, isn't that enough?

18 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Just as well they didn't give that homeless guy a slice of pizza because it's no fun getting nuked with your mouth full. Clowns are certainly not enough You need a trapeze act, big cats, acrobats, horses... and a talking gorilla if you can afford to pay his salary.

THE SNEE said...

Yikes Kelly! I guess the homeless guy really gave those dudes a pizz a his mind! You capture the absurd as only the Psycho Carnival can! BTW, I never really understood why clowns were so scary until I started reading your blog. I hope my son doesn't want to go to the circus anytime soon.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Ob la dee, ob la da, life goes on...

Until John Lennon got shot. His life didn't go on.

I love how I'm happily strolling through a story, and then the spiral happens. First karma kicks in, and then the clowns appear. Wooo!

Great way to start the day. Thanks man.

Gucci Mama said...

Um?

LilPixi said...

I'm sitting here finding the deeper messages in these stories. That is, if that is what's intended.

Although the 2nd one is perplexing me. Though that last paragraph is priceless!!

And if you look at my Blogger profile, there it is plain as day - Occupation: "Fucking Clown"

If this means I'll survive a nuclear war, I better start donning some giant red shoes.

Kelly always make you stop & THINK, goddammit. I love it.

bazza said...

Hi Kelly. It's late and I'm too tired to read this long post but I will be back!
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Static said...

HAHAHA! *ahem

Gee...that's too bad.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- I find it difficult to swallow when eating pizza and being nuked. Can I pay you in hairy prostitute apes and bananas?

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- Hahaha '...pizz a his own mind'. Clever wording. I tip my ten gallon hat (which barely fits my enlarged head) to you, milady. And thank you ever so humbly for the compliment.

Oh don't fear the clowns, Rebecca. They're your friends. Really. :)

Take care and have a better than awesome weekend!

Kelly said...

Lost.in.Idaho- I remember that son. They played during the first dance at our reception. Bring a tear to my penis.

Lennon's been shot??? Next you'll be telling me the Dalai Lama eats bran muffins.

The messages in these stories are so profound and subtle I'm not sure I can grasp their significance and I wrote them. lol. But seriously, I did throw in some stuff that had meaning, if you know what I mean and I think you do- so that's great and stuff. Have a dandy weekend.

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- Are you trying to say "gum"?

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Yeah, it is intended, albeit with a couple detours off the path. again, you're the only one so far that got that. What's that overused old saying... "Great minds think alike."

The second one, most will only perceive as being twisted and/or surreal toward the end but even that has deeper meaning. Of course, it's all open to interpretation so I invite speculation as to what is metaphor and what is mania or something else.

The only thing I remember from your profile was that you occasionally enjoy riding saddled midgets throughout town, drinking at the saloon and shooting up the place before galloping toward the sunset. But a fucking clown? No... But I shall look again.

Better put those red shoes on your footsies. The Apoccy-lips is just 'round the corner. Can I get a woo hoo on that?

Kelly said...

bazza- Is that like a rain check?

Kelly said...

Static- Yes, it was all very touching. *Ahem... I seem to have a piece of pork caught in my throat.

bazza said...

No, it's more like a brain-check!

ankmanpro said...

Incredible bro, Followed. alphabetalife.blogspot.com

Kelly said...

bazza- Oh my. I hope a CT scan won't be involved.

Kelly said...

ankmanpro- Exactly which part did you think was incredible, bro?

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