This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I See That You Have a Horn Growing Out Of Your Head

I've often wondered how it would be to visit any bloggers who I've had the pleasure of interacting with for awhile now. Though it sounds like a quaint idea, this could be a dangerous action to take with serious consequences in the end. I mean- What if you surprise me by throwing me a party? Or a parade, in my honor, even? Or drug me and take advantage of me in my slumber? Gosh, my humble and modest self wouldn't know what to do except blush and act all embarrassed and stuff.

And let me tell you, when I start feeling a little disconcerted, I tend to break a mighty wind and juggle my brightly colored balls. Yes, I carry them with me in my Suitcase O' Fun. I just so happened to buy these balls off of a circus accessories type website one day. What? You didn't think I was talking about my own cojones, did ya? Nah! The only time my jolly, friendly trouser bells are brightly colored is when I paint rainbows on them. Makes me feel all peppy, festive and stuff.

So... when should I come over?

And then there's always the chance I'd come over and I would get the surprise of my life by finding out that you have a horn growing out of your head. Talk about your awkward moments. I wouldn't be able to look away, either. I mean- you might have a unicorn horn growing out of your forehead or have a kooky looking horn like this woman down below.

You could be eating a baby's leg, too, while I'm standing there, attempting to make conversation. Then what am I supposed to do? Tear the other one off and gnaw on it so you don't feel awkward eating alone, in front of me?

You could be a religious psychopath, too, pushing your beliefs in the powers of the Almighty Bullwinkle on me.

Or you could pretend to be normal for awhile and we're sitting there, all cozy and shit, in your living room and you suddenly jump out of your refried bean bag chair and shout, "Holy Toledo! I forgot to introduce my cross eyed, drooling retarded cousin, Alfonso, to ya." At that moment, Alfonso peeks around the corner at me, widens his retarded eye at me and stumbles into the living room with a bloody meat cleaver in one hand and his festering pecker in the other.

Running out the door without so much as a goodbye may be an act of rudeness to you, the generous host, but I would likely be inclined to do it. After all, I don't wish to take the chance that Alfonso gets too close for comfort and allows his pus-oozing pecker to drip into the cup of freshly brewed coffee you made just for me.

I'm all about good manners, you know, but you have to draw the line somewhere in the landscape of picturesque penile disorders.

Seriously, who's to assume exactly what to expect when visiting a fellow blogger. Still, since I'm curious about such things and I wonder if they're just as funny, interesting (in a good way) or intelligent as they portray themselves in their blogs, I would take my chances and do it. If there should be some awkward silence between us, at any point during my stay, I could handle it. There's no need to have our mouths yapping about, in a constant state of vocalization. In fact, that kind of thing can be just as bothersome to me as the quiet times.

And if you're somewhat crazy, in a non lethal way, I would likely get along better with you. I find people who are slightly touched in the head to be interesting and humorous. People who are too humdrum or try too hard to act "normal" cause me to become frustrated around them. Unlike the slightly unusual folks, they don't interest me and, in fact, kinda annoy the shit of me because they're boring me. I'm never sure if it's on purpose or just because they severely lack in the personality department.

I've actually left people standing at parties or other public places while they're still jabbering away about the most mundane of topics. You can look at this gesture as being rude but I look at it as being rude that they're taking up my time by talking about something that any ol' flesh and blood, conformist droid could and will talk about. Those that engage in that type of conversation should consider themselves just peachy-keen lucky if I come up with an oh-so-incredible excuse for leaving you with your jaw dropped in mid-sentence, too. I might offer an "I have to leave now to take a shit" or something smooth like "Your face gives me a stomach ulcer from hell."

Signs that I may be bored with those things you call words that won't stop popping, incessantly, out of your mouth would be:

Fidgeting from foot to foot
Falling asleep
Watching the clouds in the sky
Choking the living shit out of you

But, chances are, that since we are either interacting with each other between our blogs, exchanging fascinating messages on Facebook, twittering our twitters or trading emails, I will most likely enjoy your company in person and you'll be able to keep my utmost attention. Gosh, good news for you, huh? I can feel the radiant, heart-warming glow of your excitement from all the way over here. Oh, that's just a belch you just burped from all that rancid unicorn meat you've been eating. Ah, well. Sometimes we get mixed signals from one another.

So, like I said before... when should I come over? Heh heh.


bazza said...

You've been watching too many Hollywood films. This is exactly the premise that many excellent movies have used. The innocent situation that turns into hell. 'Pacific Heights' and 'The Hand that Rocks the Cradle' are a couple that come to mind.
You make it seem really scarey; I'm just packing my bags and should be on your doorstep about midnight tomorrow, OK?
Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’ said...

You know what, the bullwinkle religion makes more sense than some of the other ones out there.

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't being a bullwinkle-missionary sound fun?

Hey heathens! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

billy pilgrim said...

my dog is so stupid she barks at her own farts. not really, i heard that line in a tv show and the other night and fell in love with it.

i've heard a rumor that everything we read on the internet might not be as it seems. my dog's barking, i have to go open the window.

LilPixi said...

This was entertaining as hell. Reading this blog is such a dang treat, I tell ya! My answer is "Any time!! Always welcome." I'll make a whole array of sugar-free sweets & "special (sugar-free) brownies" ;-)

"Your face gives me a stomach ulcer from hell", the refried bean bag chair & the rainbow painting of the testicles were some of my favs.
Is the guy with the gay pride eating "Colon Blow"? Man, I haven't seen that stuff in ages!

Static said...

Actually Bullwinkle meat is quite a bit tastier than unicorn. I'm making a Bullwinkle roast this evening and you are more than welcome to join just need to have your own rocket to get here. Just aim for the big red "star" in the sky. See ya soon. Don't keep me waiting. I get just as impatient when I waste my time, and then I just SNAP and bludgeon anything in my way with the closest blunt object I can find. Weehoo! There goes the timer. Gotta check the roast now. Later!

THE SNEE said...

UhOh....did you see parts of my horn on facebook? Not to be paranoid, but I thought maybe you wrote this post after you saw remnants of the horn I tried to edit out of my profile photo! This was an entertaining post Kelly! And, just so you know, Bullwinkle and Rocky live in our apartment in the form of a pinball machine. I call it THE ALTAR!

klahanie said...

Well howdy there Kelly n' stuff,
Hmmmmm...I shall now endeavour to decipher your latest posting, your posting according to my screwed-up brain.
First of all, a parade in your honour (sorry 'honor) now then, you may have realised that their are several parades in my honour in regards to my triumphant return to Vancouver. However, this posting is about you and the wondrous possibility of you gracing me with your 3D presence in my abode. Well dude, I would treat you like blogging royalty. You could do anything you like in my home and I hope that your blushing levels would not be so bad, due to my heaping praise and various exotic excrements from a collection of garden gnomes, stuffed animals and yes, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star, that you went redder than even you thought possible, with embarrassment over such adulation. Well deserved adulation, I might add.
Come visit me, shy and humble me, who does a blog that pales into insignificance compared to your outstanding, thought provoking and deeply philosophical postings.
Come watch me stick a toilet plunger on my head as I prance around my house, stark naked, making out like I'm some kinda' neurotic unicorn.
Come watch me fantasise about having a threesome with two of my heroes. Rocky and Bullwinkle. Praise the lord n' stuff eh.
Seriously, you should come over to my house and reduce me to a quivering wreck as you delight me and the 'wee folks' with your amusing stories and cheek-clapping, thunder butt farts that astound and entertain all of us.
Now then on an actual serious moment, I am just as zany and as transparent as I try to demonstrate on my blog. I know from our positive interaction, that you, my friend, would be much the same. We have a great time exchanging comments on our blogs and I absolutely piss myself with the antics we have and now with some other wonderful bloggers on 'Fartbook' or 'Farcebook' or 'Fakebook', everyone's favourite social 'notworking' site..
Okay dude,it's time to 'paaaarttteee' and you is like the guest of honour (honor) n' stuff at my home. Gosh, better let the media know that you will find it within yourself to visit one as unworthy as me.
Take care Kelly. Keep smiling and stay positive.
With kindness, respect, admiration, awe and a bag of rotting trout, your way, Gary :) Hmmmm...must go shine the horn growing out of my head that is ever so near to the toilet plunger that is also on my head....

Kelly said...

bazza- You are most welcome here, my friend. We shall serve you a fine breakfast in the morning after your arrival, featuring smoked monkey nuts and Cream of Gnome. That last item is from a recipe our pal, Gary, was kind enough to give me.

Those movies you spoke of, I've seen, and they are quite intense. But imagine your intensity when you come visit me. Hahahahahahaha.... and so on.

Kelly said... Being a Bullwinkle missionary sounds like a swell time. Not only could you pull a rabbit out of your hat, but you could pull a Rocky out of your pants and shower your followers with they blessed spunk!

Amen. And praise Da Moose!

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- Wow... Now that's a level of stupidity I've only seen accomplished by Sarah Palin. Are you sure your dog is related to Palin? Hmmm.

Not only is the internet not what it seems, but you and I are only imagining that we are in front of our computer monitors at the moment. Actually, we're deep inside the Almighty Bullwinkle's butthole. Praise Da Moose!

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Now you're really making me blush with all that flattery. My butt cheeks are turning red and this time it might not be that weird rash. Too much info? Yeah.

Okay, I'll be over at 2:00, 3 months, 2 days after June and I'll be wearing a Darth Vader mask but nothing else. Well, except for the rainbow paintings on my nutsack. Woo hoo! I can't wait to eat those sugar free "special" brownies. Thanks for thinkin' of my diabetic needs. :) Is it okay if I fart on the furniture?

Freakin' out yet? lol. And yeah, I think that is the gay pride dude. He could be eating generic brand dog food. Or it could be "Colon Blow". Have you ever had it before? It's deeelish! Hope you're doing better, LilPixi.

Kelly said...

Static- I had no idea you were such an expert on exotic cuisine. I'll be over for Bullwinkle roast tomorrow evening. Soon enough? I'll bring Rocky's Toe Jam for dessert.

Big red star? You live on Mars? How's the weather up there? I heard it gets kinda chilly. I'll be up there- so don't freak out and kill any drooling retards out of impatience. I heard their numbers are dwindling on Mars.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- lol... No, I didn't see a horn on your head on Fartbook. I saw it on the New York Times! heh hehehheh... just kidding. I'm glad you liked the post, Rebecca. Hope you're having fun on Fartbook. We can get a little wild at times. That's so cool that you have a Bullwinkle and Rocky pinball machine. That WOULD make an excellent altar. You could sacrifice a squirrel on it to appease the gods and ask them to make it stop snowing. Take care!

Kelly said...

klahanie- Gary, Gary, Gary... What am I going to do with you? I mean after I come over to your place, rape the Wee Folk, eat all your food, force the Wee Folk to rape Penny the Dog and then discuss the merits of model ship building? I can't wait to be entertained by humble, shy, oh-so-modest you with your "plunger on the head while stark naked" routine and unique ability to strike down a homeless junkie with a single fart. What a delight! Yes, please do make preparations for a parade in my honor. I'll act surprised. Expect me there around ten-nish with a bag of freshly fist-fucked midgets to add to the night's entertainment. Seriously, we do have a hell of a good time on Farcebook, don't we? I'm relieved, a tiny bit, that they haven't kicked me off of it yet for the bad words I sometimes say. I know. Can you believe I say bad words? Take care, my friend. And take care of that horn on your head. :)

Static said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Static said...

Oh dear, I'm afraid the only drooling retard me.

*Jumps in volcano

Kelly said...

Static- Fare thee well, my friend. I will always remember you and I promise to keep your prized, bejeweled drool cup in a special place of honor.*

*wipes single tear from eye and cuts beautiful fart of homage in your name

Greg said...

Well you may come over at anytime Kelly, but leave your balls in their bag, please don't choke the shit out of me and don't pull on my horn, unless of course you want something to sweeten your coffee?

It's good to be back in the blogging world.

Oh and thanks for the award,I will honor the rules, although somewhat late!

Good to see your funny as ever!

Kelly said...

Greg- I'm on my way now, dude. I tucked away my balls so they're hidden. Not that I'm not proud of my big, bright red balls but, you know, I don't want to gloat by showing them to the family or nuthin'. :)

And eegads! I don't want any of your special sweetener in my coffee, sir. No thanks! :)

I'm glad to see you're back, Greg. I missed your funny as fuck writing. And you're welcome on the award.

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