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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Caribbean Adventure: Stage Shows, A Belly Flop Contest and Coming Home

This is the last post about our Caribbean Cruise Adventure. Hope you liked the series.

In the middle of the week of our cruise, I came down with a fucking sinus infection from hell. My chest was congested with gallons of snot, I was running a fever and my throat was sore to the point of bleeding. Still, I carried on. I pushed through my physical woes and told my body to basically go fuck itself and that I was going to push forward, full snot ahead. I wasn't going to let a little thing like being sick as a dog get in the way of our good times.

One thing I did to take my mind off the mucous hacking, forehead splitting headaches and sweating like a crippled obese guy, covered in honey and surrounded by a village of starving Ethiopians, was to pop copious amounts of acetaminophen tablets and Valium into my gullet.

One night we went to a show on the boat that featured a comedian and an aerial acrobatic act. I had taken a Valium before going to the theater, which was bigger than I thought it would be. We take a seat in the very front row, an hour early.

After the hour passes, the curtains part and right away, a guy in tights is running wildly towards this bungee cord/rope thing hanging down from the ceiling and grabs the motherfucker like he just caught a crazed dragon by the tail. Meanwhile, there is his female partner, with a ton of eye make up and she's doing about a dozen flips, backwards, from one end of the stage to the other. The dude hanging on the cord is shouting something in a foreign language about this time and with the Valium pushing me into another dimension of reality, I'm not sure what to make of it. I thought I was hallucinating all of it.

With the sheer force of his run and his ability to shift his body just right, the acrobat takes the cord and rides it, flying around the entire interior circumference of the theater. Around he goes, feet going up, head going down. Now he's holding on with just his ankles. When he gets back to the stage he flips and lands back on his feet. This guy is a freaking monkey!

Before I can take a fuckin' breath, the dude runs quickly to the back of the stage and then runs even more quickly towards the bungee cord up in front. All eyes were on this crazy bastard. He clutches onto the cord and with only a shot glass worth of space to spare, he takes flight and barely misses the top of my wife's head and in that split second of witnessing him doing that, I'm thinking (A) If his foot hits the top of her head, he's going to goddamn scalp my wife and I'll never hear the end of it and (B) Wow! This is cool!

But I don't know which came first. With the Valium, who knows?

An hour of this entertaining show went by and the comedian that took the stage after the aerial act was funny but not as much as he thought he was and, in fairness, he did have a mind blowing act to follow.

During one of our days on the ship, we went to the pool deck and promptly learned it was a good idea to have sandals on your feet or you would suffer the blistering torment of the scalding hot cement floor around the pool area and the flesh-bubbling hot deck floor with the lounge chairs above the pools. I think I lost a pound of foot flesh during one of those days I forgot to wear shoes of some sort.

Anyway, on one of those days, they held a Belly Flop Contest. You could win either 1st, 2nd or 3rd prize based on how big a splash you could make with your portly flab pot of ugliness. You were also judged by the audience (the standing crowd) by the great technique you showed when leaping and slamming your bulging balloon of whale belly into the water.

Only six guys volunteered, even though the top prize was a thousand dollars. Not a bad reward, I thought, for thoroughly embarrassing yourself in front of a sizable crowd and having a huge red painful splotch on your belly from the hardcore impact of your overflowing gut meeting H2o.

It was all fun and games as one by one took their turns, making their crowd-pleasing splashes (not drowning anyone by the ensuing tidal waves) until one hairy old dude in a pair of loose swim trunks had his fifteen minutes of fame. He launched himself with all the dignity of coked up walrus and created a tremendous belly flop in the water. Everyone applauded.

There's always one bad apple in the bunch, as they say, and in this case, two very large fat white buns and butt crack was in this bunch and were exposed as the old fat dude grabbed the ladder and pulled himself up. Unfortunately, his ill-fitted trunks did not come up with him and everyone was treated to a sight that likely made everyone want to skip their next meal at the buffet that night.

I think I heard the cries of children and maybe a few of the unborn.

Now this pic isn't of the dude who had the wardrobe malfunction during the belly flop contest but it sure looks like him. This wasn't even taken on our ship. I just needed this for my post. This guy looks like he's been stuck on a cruise ship for about a month, however. All you do is eat and eat till your stomach bloats while you're on the boat.

The host, the cruise director of our ship, made a joke about his crack and proceeded, after milking some laughs, to move on to the next contestant. The old fat dude ended up winning the bronze and received a Royal Caribbean hat and a lifetime of future therapy as his 3rd place award. Hurrah!

It's too bad we couldn't throw darts at him.

The last day on our ship was a lot of limb-breaking, mind-numbing fun as we woke up exhausted and struggled with our cumbersome luggage at five in the morning, going down decks and walking from checkpoint to checkpoint. With documents, customs forms and passports in hand, along with carrying heavy luggage, we somehow managed to get from security checkpoint to security checkpoint, then shuttle bus to airport -without any problem.

That is until we reached Orlando International Airport. It was at the airport security checkpoint that we had our biggest problem. When we tried to get our carry on bag through the x-ray scanner, while emptying our pockets into a plastic tray, the alarm went off and a security person took us off to the side. I was hoping she wasn't going to do a cavity search on me because she looked like she was "on the rag" and her pussy cramps were pissing her off, plenty.

She took our "suspicious" bag and rummaged through it. Meanwhile, both of us voiced our surprise at the sudden situation. The security woman said she was looking for a container that made the scanner go off for whatever reason. I asked her if it was a can of shaving cream or the little bottle of rubbing alcohol. I pulled the lighter out of my pocket, at one point and asked, "Could this have set it off?'

She said, "No." None of the above.

I thought, briefly, how much fun I could have by asking her it was the bomb in my underwear that was setting the alarm off. Then I realized how severe lack of sleep could alter your judgement on what was stupid and what wasn't.

Finally, after digging out numerous breakable souvenirs and an entire rumpled suit ensemble, she found the dangerous culprit. It wasn't a lighter, an aerosol spray can or flammable rubbing alcohol that had to be disposed of... It was suntan lotion. She said I couldn't take it on board the plane. I said that's okay and to just throw it away. The lighter and the other things were okay but not suntan lotion. I don't get it.

I was already nervous about showing all the right papers at the right points and getting home alright without complications so getting rid of a fucking bottle of suntan lotion meant nothing to me in light of my goal.

In closing, we were picked up by my wife's parents at the CVG Airport and eventually made it home after several stops. After dragging our souvenir booty and hernia-inducing luggage up our apartment steps, we both collapsed on the bed, face first. My cat immediately jumped up, pranced between us and lay on my back. I didn't have the energy to shake him off.

Looking back, we had a lot of wonderful, exciting experiences which will stay in our minds for the rests of our lives. I wouldn't trade any of them for hardly anything. I'm sure I've left some things out but I feel like I've mentioned all of the main events that happened. If I didn't write everything that happened with words, I think I covered it with the pictures that were taken.

Speaking of pictures, here are some miscellaneous photos that were taken on the ship, ocean or the islands we traveled to and from.

Cozumel, Mexico


Orlando International Airport trams and terminals


This Caribbean adventure we took was just the kind of relaxing, learning and fantastic event we needed in our lives. I'm glad we did it and we will always treasure the memories this trip provided us.

Links to all the posts (except this one), from beginning to the end, in this series:


I've got a buttload of more photos of our trip on Facebook, if you're hankering to see more. My next post will be about sex and chocolate pudding. Ahoy!

10 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

I can't believe you got sick! That SUCKS. But it sounds like the valium and acrobatics was quite fun, so that's kind of a win.

I'm still trying to figure out why that man in the picture thought a speedo was an acceptable choice. Who let him out of the house?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Did you get the old fat dude's number? You could invite him to your summer parties and play games with him. I would make him float in the pool on his back, and everyone has to try and hop across the pool using his belly as an island.

Sir Tom Eagerly said...

Great picture of a fat bastard about to belly-flop (who ever it is). I say good luck to him. Of course Sir Tom has the svelte physique of an Adonis - have you noticed Kelly, how I always manage to make all my comments about me?
Lady Eagerly once said to me "How do you always manage to be so selfish?"
It's a gift, I said.

Kelly said...

Gucci Mama- The Valium took the edge off my constant mucous drainage. There's just something about a speedo that attracts fat old men, for some reason. It's like they're naturally drawn to them, like magnets. I'm wondering who let him out of his CAGE.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- Yeah, I got it for ya. I knew you'd want it when I was on the cruise. I had a premonition that this dude name Gorilla Bananas would want the number of some crack-exposing old fat freak that was going to show his grotesque white buttocks in front of a helpless audience. His number is 1-888-BUTT-CRAK.

I like your idea about using him as an ISLAND HOPPING device in your pool. One game you could involve him in is the "Harpooning The Great White Whale" game.

Kelly said...

Sir Tom Eagerly- Thanks, Sir Tom. I'm sure in your mind you do have a svelte physique of a Greek mythological character. Kudos to you, sir, for keeping a positive outlook.

And, indeed, your selfishness is a gift. A gift to one's self. You should celebrate your good self by dousing yourself with fish guts and jumping into shark infested waters.

Wouldn't that be fun?

Take care, Sir Tom.

The Wolf said...

I'm sure i've said it before but if I havn't hear it goes, airport security is fucked in the goat ass. They'll have a shit fit over a bottle of sun tan lotion which isin't even flammable, and then let you go with lighter fuild and other things that could be used for shit like that. Frankly it mkes me giggle cause of their stupidity.

Overall though it sounds like it was a good ending for a great trip

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Couldn't agree more with ya about airport security. Funny thing is... On our way, at the beginning, to our cruise ship in Florida, we didn't have any trouble with airport security. We had the suntan lotion in the same bag, too.

Everyone I've talked to think that was fucked up. Here I had an aerosol can and a goddamn lighter. Uh, can you say f-l-a-m-e-t-h-r-o-w-e-r???

Yeah, we came home and everything was okay. The cats were still alive and the place wasn't burnt down or robbed while we were gone. That's all I cared about.

klahanie said...

Hey Kelly,
Sorry I have arrived so late in responding to the final chapter in your Caribbean adventures. Still, you have all the bestest folks from the world of the internet ahead of me to entertain us with their deeply profound replies to your posting. Hello Sir Tom..how's your 'Wee Willie Winkie'?
Anyhow, overall, you had a wonderful time and that's the main thing. Oh don't remind me about airport security. At Vancouver airport I had a plastic tub of Kraft crunchy peanut butter confiscated because apparently it could be used to make some explosive device. I felt like rubbing the peanut butter over the security guy's face. Should have bought smooth peanut butter, I guess.
I've been checking out your photos on Farcebook. You guys had a fantastic time and I'm so pleased for you.
Kind wishes, Gary :-)

Kelly said...

klahanie- No problem with you responding later than usual. I read your latest post last night and I can see why. With all the moving I've been doing and how completely emotionally and physically exhausted I am when I get home, lately, I'll be responding late to everyone's from now until the 3rd of Oct- which happens to be my birthday. It's like -Happy Birthday, bastard... here... Have a broken back.

Yeah, I do have the best bloggers responding to these posts of mine. Too true, dude.

Your peanut butter incident at Vancouver airport would have surprised me a couple months ago. Not as much now. But still, peanut butter? Security there must be a joke. I get a sense that not all airport security have the same basic rules about what you can take on board or not. The airport closest to us was alright with what we brought with us. Each airport must have their own unique set of security idiots running the show. I don't know.

So now we know... No peanut butter or suntan lotion. Lighters and flammable liquid- A-OKAY!

Glad you enjoyed the cruise pics on Farcebook. I'll be adding more when I get the time. With this moving business, my own family hasn't even had the chance to see my pics.

And yeah, we had a fantastic time. Wish I was back on board the ship now... Taking us anywhere but here. lol.

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