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Monday, April 6, 2009

Outback Surprise

So my wife and I decided to go to the Outback Steakhouse, tonight. It's the last night of her 10 day vacation and she wanted to go somewhere nice to eat before going back to her wage-slavery job. The Outback's menu basically consists of "meat" items. At the Outback, ya got yer choice of steaks, chicken, ribs and lamb. It's all good. The service is normally excellent, too. Your waitress or waiter is frequently bringing you refills and asking if you need anything. That always scores points with me.

Since I have such a damned narrow throat, it's damned hard for me to get food down my tiny gullet without turning blue in the face and passing out in my plate of sirloin. That's one of the reasons I place so much importance of a sit-down restaurant's ability to keep the drinks coming. And yeah, I chew on the same bite of food two hundred times before swallowing. I can't tell you how many times I've almost done a blue-in-the-face-head dive into my plate or vomited on the way to the restroom to the dismay of surrounding, bewildered patrons. I did puke up some orange chicken on my plate at a Chinese restaurant once. I almost felt guilty for causing some of the old ladies at the table next to us get up and leave.

Good times.

But getting back to the subject I was originally rambling on about.....

The portions tonight, at the Outback, were considerably smaller than usual. That was our first shock. My wife's meal size was especially disappointing. A tiny thing of chicken and a tiny thing of BBQ ribs looked like a kid's meal. I checked the menu to make sure it was truly an adult item. It was.

Still hungry, my wife ordered a slice of peanut butter pie. She said that was really yummy.... or something like that. All I could get out of her, when I asked how the pie was, was "Mmmm. Ummerrrum." I dared not try to fork a bite from her plate because of the fondness for my hand.

The second shock came when we looked at the bill. We expected the cost to be in the 40 to 42 dollar range. And it was. No problem. But unexpected was the tip guideline at the bottom, telling patrons what they should pay, as a tip. How outlandish! How rude! I know the "waiting staff" have families to support. I understand that. But we're not going to be told how much of our hard earned money to leave as a tip. According to them, we should have left them a $6.50 tip. Sorry. It's not happening. We left them with a reasonable tip that was half of the "required" amount. They could suck on that and be happy or else.


Me-Me King said...

Portions were a little small? Maybe you haven't heard - we're in the middle of a recession. How else can these money-grubbing corporate establishments make any money? They keep the price the same, oh yeah, but the cut the portions (and dim the lights) trying to give the illusion of "everything is okie dokie folks".

Regarding your issue with the tip - cheapskate!

Michael said...

Sounds like she ordered the Ethiopian combo. I ordered that from the breakfast menu once and got half an egg yolk and a picture of bacon.

Kelly said...

Me-Me: Yeah, they dim the lights so ya can't see the food (what little there is of it). Heh heh. Yeah, I must be an old cheapskate. But if ol' Cheapskate Kelly is gonna throw down a six dollar and a half tip down on the table, that waitress better show me some boobies or somethin'.

Michael: Actually, she would have gotten more meat off an Ethiopian if it were sitting on her plate. I liked your humorous remark about your order. Hey, you didn't eat that picture of bacon, did ya? I was going to suggest that you send it to a hungry Ethiopian.

Oops. Sorry. I'm bad.

~Static~ said...

Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. Another corporate restaurant chain.

Another thing they don't mention on their menus is that the portions are not only smaller for the same price, but the choice of steaks, chicken, ribs and lamb are all actually sections of kangaroo meat.

Kangaroo meat is inexpensive to acquire and process. They breed like rabbits. Why do you think they call it Outback Steak House?

Yep, those steaks are kangaroo thigh, the chicken is kangaroo tit, and the lamb is kangaroo rump...oh and the ribs are actually kangaroo ribs. Just ask another restaurant chain manager like at Hooters, for example. They'll tell ya it's true.

That bacon you got in your salad? Koala meat.

The peanut butter pie? Emu turds.

Still hungry?

Kelly said...

Damn, Static..... As always, you are a walking wealth of information. I did not know about Outback's food being made from kangaroo meat. Can't wait to inform the wife that she ate kanga tit and emu turds. She'll be so happy. Maybe that red gravy I had over my mashed po-taters was the blood from a kangaroo's placenta.

Gosh, I can't wait to go back now!

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I'd spit in your food if you came back. Shitty tipping is bad news for your food.

Kelly said...

I don't like to be told what to tip. That should be left to the customer. $6.50 is outrageous for a 41 dollar meal.

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