This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

14 Things That Never Fail To Annoy

1- People that drive too goddamn slow. Pull over if you see a goddamn train of cars behind your annoying ass, goddamn it! If possible, go ahead and drive over a steep drop off over the side of the road. Don't worry- I won't mind.

2- Authority figures that frequently abuse their "authority" such as government officials, cops, supervisors and wives. On second thought, I should probably delete that last example. My wife might see that and chop something off (that I may need in the future) in my sleep.

Then I would be sad.

3- Chairs that wobble.

4- Parents that refuse to take their crying babies out of the theater, restaurant, store or strip club.

5- Tomatoes. WTF is all that crap inside of them? Looks like part of a monkey colon.

6- Fast food drive thru(s). No matter how loudly or how many times I slowly tell the doofus my order, they still manage to screw it up.

7- Women who wear shoes that go clompity-clomp-clomp like a horse. Get the fuck away from me! And while you're at it, pull the top half of your expensive, name brand office suit up over your pasty-with-make up face so I can't see your glasses that have those oh-so-trendy little lenses that every office geek in the world seems to be wearing. And if you get too close behind me at the grocery store or wherever, I promise to bend over and let loose my "special cloud of goodness" directly toward your pompous facade.

And please-

Feel free to suck it in! No charge!

8- Computer errors or repeated crashes that take anywhere from a minute to infinity to figure out how to find and/or repair. How many times have I punched a hole in the wall instead of my monitor? Let's put it this way; a fairly decent outside breeze can topple my wobbly desk chair over in a New York second. That means.... it wouldn't take long, just in case you're retarded, my cross-eyed, befuddled friend.

9- Pajama-bottomed, stinking of excrement, redneck Wal-Mart shoppers. Let me please borrow the shotgun from your rusty pick up truck so that I may gleefully blast you in the face. As a bonus, I might even throw in a laugh or two whilst I dance merrily. Cross your fingers!

10- Those of you who place money, material crap and power above everything else in life. Because of these imbeciles who can't think or feel anything beyond their Almighty Dollar or Egos, the animals and the few good people inhabiting this world slowly die for their greed either by poverty, pollution and/or other means. If you fall into this group of wealthy assholes, don't forget to stop by my place for a complete and bloody beating.

11- Weak and/or decaffeinated coffee. Why don't you just piss in a cup?

12- Reality tv. There's not a bit of reality to be found in this cheaply produced sack of televised shitola. Just the inane mutterings and actions of dorks needing attention. Kill them all!

13- Vegans that lecture to carnivores like me. You are the first I'm going to eat when the food runs out.

14- Nosey people. A peek over my shoulder earns a fork stab in the eye.


Breath of Insanity said...

You and I are on the same wavelength. Here are some of MY thoughts:

#1 - Don't you just feel like ramming them in the ass sometimes?
#2 - Half these people have no business being where they are!
#3 - If I wanted to sit in a rocking chair, I'd OWN an actual rocking chair!
#4 - Get a goddamn babysitter you cheapass motherfucker! If you can afford the fancy-schmancy restaurants, $15 movie tickets and th outrageous cover charges, you can afford to pay some schmoe to watch your lame ass kid!
#5 - all I can say is WTF!?!
#6 - I think they pick the stupidest, most annoying employee to to that job because nobody really wants to work with them.
#7 - Why are you wearing 5 -inch heels anyway? Do you WANT to break your neck? And contacts are cheaper now!
#8 - I installed something on my computer the other day and for some reason, it totally wiped another unrelated thing off my computer. It took me almost three days to figure it out and when I finally did, it turned out that the fix was as simple as a mouse click. I hate wasting my time for nothing!
#9 - What is so important that you can't even GET DRESSED before you go help Wal Mart take over the world?!
10 - My cardboard box under the viaduct and I thank you so much for your concern!
#11 - Why even bother wasting your time? You might as well just have a glass of friggin' water!
#12 - They should set up cameras in MY house! Now THAT'S reality (and dysfunctionality) at its finest!
#13 - Read the goddamn bible! We're SUPPOSED to eat the damn things, you waste-of space moron!
#14 - I personally prefer a pen -- what's a little ink poisoning between friends?

Kelly said...

You are absolutely dead-on with your insights and fuckin' hilarious, to boot. Seriously. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said.

If I weren't fuckin' married already, I'd propose to you. Oh oh. Here comes the wifey- with a knifey. I'll be stoppin' by your site soon. I'll try to be as witty or, at the very least, halfway intelligent, when I do. LOL.

Me-Me King said...

This is a GREAT list, Kelly, so-fuckin'-funny!!! About wearing pajama bottoms - I never wore them to WalMart, I swear. It was just last week when a friend drug me out to Target. He said, "Well, it looks like you are wearing a shorts set". I bought it and off we went. The shame.

*MMM hangs her head*

Kelly said...

Thanks Me-Me. Yeah, it's amazing what people will wear to WallyWorld. A shorts set? Is that like wearing two or three pairs of shorts at the same time? Anyway, don't hang your head in shame, lady. Hold it up HIGH, be proud. Sing that Helen Reddy song, "I Am Woman" really loud the next time you go to Target.

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