Jokes I Just Thought Up Because I'm Drunk and Reportedly Speak A Foreign Language

While crossing the street, a nun is accidentally hit by a bus.  It doesn't look good.  Sister Ruby Goodshoes appears to be bleeding from every orifice of her body.   A crowd gathers round the nun and a few text their friends about the incident while others take photos with their camera phones.  The concern over the young woman is beginning to get overwhelming.  One man, in an expensive suit, even considers calling the number for medical emergencies but calls his stockbroker, instead.

Suddenly, a man of much heft, waddles forward through the throng of onlookers and texters.

"Stand back!" the surly man commands.

The elderly man, driving the bus, comes out, visibly shaking and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

"I can handle this", says the fat, bald-headed man, with complete calm, "I'm a doctor."

With that said, he quickly rips open the nun's shirt, tears off her bra and then pulls down his pants and commences to masturbate, furiously.  In a matter of minutes, the fat man spews forth his jism upon the nun's shuddering chest.  After his last squirt, her heaving breasts become still.

"Huh," said one concerned female pedestrian, previously chewing a wad of gum, "I think she's, like dead, or somethin'."

The fat, bald-headed man threw his arms toward the sky and exclaimed, "Well, I CAME as fast as I could!"

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This is a bus.  It has wheels.  Every so often, the wheels go round and round... round and round.

Several cops are pepper spraying a group of activists, outside the building where the G8 meeting is taking place.  One of the activists, despite being blinded by the pepper spray, coughs profusely, yet still manages to shout, "Corporate interests are dominating what is reported and the world's governments and this forum of puppeteer-ed leaders is nothing but an insulting charade!"

Then the incapacitated man shakes and coughs, violently, before falling down and going into the fetal position.  The cops quickly come to his aid by merrily beating him with their clubs after one officer falsely accuses the man, through a megaphone, of carrying a gun.

After the cops are done beating him and handcuffing him, a corporate executive walks up, pats the cops on the back and says to the cops, "These dummies certainly don't know when to quit.  "

Bob, the policeman, replies, "Tell me about it.  Five minutes ago, one of them was telling me "Global Warming" is real.  After I laughed, I punched him in the belly and kicked him in the head and then I said, "You don't know what you're saying, friend.  We still get snow here, about a couple times a year, when years before, we had actual seasons, when the weather patterns were relatively normal."

After Bob said that, he looked to his fellow officer and the corporate executive, awaiting comments, concerning his little speech he had given the rotten punk.

The other cop says, "Yeah... and the city was only flooded a couple months, straight, in a row."

The businessman said, "Yeah... and the temperatures are well above average only 364 days a year, here."

Suddenly, an intelligent man came up to all of them and said, "I couldn't help but to overhear your conversation.  I just wanted to tell you people that you're just proving that the statements you've just made actually prove that victim's point- if you dare to think about it."

While laughing at the intelligent man, a bus abruptly jumps the curb and runs over everyone but him.  Luckily, a fat bald-headed man hurriedly ran up, said he was a doctor and quickly jacked off on them as they took their last few breaths of life.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a turtle?

A: A fat, bald-headed dude ejaculating on somebody.

On that note... Have a great weekend!  Oh, wait!  I just thought up my quote of the day: Sometimes absurdity presents itself on many different levels in many different ways during this time, in which we live.  One of the greatest qualities of the human race is that they are likely to progress through the absurdity, the tragic events we sometimes encounter.  We need to laugh, love each other and remember the good times and the good contributions that mankind has made.  


I think I need to go to bed.  Gooooooooodnight.