This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Jokes I Just Thought Up Because I'm Drunk and Reportedly Speak A Foreign Language

While crossing the street, a nun is accidentally hit by a bus.  It doesn't look good.  Sister Ruby Goodshoes appears to be bleeding from every orifice of her body.   A crowd gathers round the nun and a few text their friends about the incident while others take photos with their camera phones.  The concern over the young woman is beginning to get overwhelming.  One man, in an expensive suit, even considers calling the number for medical emergencies but calls his stockbroker, instead.

Suddenly, a man of much heft, waddles forward through the throng of onlookers and texters.

"Stand back!" the surly man commands.

The elderly man, driving the bus, comes out, visibly shaking and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

"I can handle this", says the fat, bald-headed man, with complete calm, "I'm a doctor."

With that said, he quickly rips open the nun's shirt, tears off her bra and then pulls down his pants and commences to masturbate, furiously.  In a matter of minutes, the fat man spews forth his jism upon the nun's shuddering chest.  After his last squirt, her heaving breasts become still.

"Huh," said one concerned female pedestrian, previously chewing a wad of gum, "I think she's, like dead, or somethin'."

The fat, bald-headed man threw his arms toward the sky and exclaimed, "Well, I CAME as fast as I could!"


This is a bus.  It has wheels.  Every so often, the wheels go round and round... round and round.
Several cops are pepper spraying a group of activists, outside the building where the G8 meeting is taking place.  One of the activists, despite being blinded by the pepper spray, coughs profusely, yet still manages to shout, "Corporate interests are dominating what is reported and the world's governments and this forum of puppeteer-ed leaders is nothing but an insulting charade!"

Then the incapacitated man shakes and coughs, violently, before falling down and going into the fetal position.  The cops quickly come to his aid by merrily beating him with their clubs after one officer falsely accuses the man, through a megaphone, of carrying a gun.

After the cops are done beating him and handcuffing him, a corporate executive walks up, pats the cops on the back and says to the cops, "These dummies certainly don't know when to quit.  "

Bob, the policeman, replies, "Tell me about it.  Five minutes ago, one of them was telling me "Global Warming" is real.  After I laughed, I punched him in the belly and kicked him in the head and then I said, "You don't know what you're saying, friend.  We still get snow here, about a couple times a year, when years before, we had actual seasons, when the weather patterns were relatively normal."

After Bob said that, he looked to his fellow officer and the corporate executive, awaiting comments, concerning his little speech he had given the rotten punk.

The other cop says, "Yeah... and the city was only flooded a couple months, straight, in a row."

The businessman said, "Yeah... and the temperatures are well above average only 364 days a year, here."

Suddenly, an intelligent man came up to all of them and said, "I couldn't help but to overhear your conversation.  I just wanted to tell you people that you're just proving that the statements you've just made actually prove that victim's point- if you dare to think about it."

While laughing at the intelligent man, a bus abruptly jumps the curb and runs over everyone but him.  Luckily, a fat bald-headed man hurriedly ran up, said he was a doctor and quickly jacked off on them as they took their last few breaths of life.


Q: What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a turtle?

A: A fat, bald-headed dude ejaculating on somebody.

On that note... Have a great weekend!  Oh, wait!  I just thought up my quote of the day: Sometimes absurdity presents itself on many different levels in many different ways during this time, in which we live.  One of the greatest qualities of the human race is that they are likely to progress through the absurdity, the tragic events we sometimes encounter.  We need to laugh, love each other and remember the good times and the good contributions that mankind has made.  

I think I need to go to bed.  Gooooooooodnight.


Anonymous said...

Hot from the desk of Sir Tom Eagerly:
I am reminded of the time when one of the servants at Eagerly Hall sent me a text asking for some time off to attend a Jizz Festival. I think he meant Jazz Festival - what do you think, Kelly>

Dixie said...

oh my goodness, Kelly! you're absolutely right - live, laugh, love, jack!

Lucky me; i understood your foreign language; good weekend to you!

bazza said...

When I told mrs bazza that I 'came across' a couple making love in our local park she took it entirely the wrong way!
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Pickleope said...

You drunken masturbation freak, I love it. You're like a drunk Gilbert Godfrey. The caption to the bus picture made me laugh harder than it should have.

Kelly said...

She probably meant Jizz Festival, Sir Tom. You really should think LONG and HARD about contributing your, um, baby batter to the big festival. Or maybe you could sell it there. I doubt there would be any buyers, though. Take care!

Kelly said...

Dixie... what was that first part again? 'Live, laugh, love, jack!" I'm hoping that you didn't mean to say "jack off" at the end of that. Why... that kinda tawdry language is strictly prohibited on this site. Gosh! And might I add "Golly!", as well?

Glad you understand my language. :) Thanks about the 'weekend'. Same to you!

Kelly said...

Well, it's no wonder, Bazza! Knowing you, you probably did "come across" a couple after watching them make love in the park. And I'm sure 'the couple' were entirely grateful.

Put it away, for the love of God, man!

Kelly said...

What? I didn't hear you. I was busy jerking off while listening to the Bee Gees. That one dude from that band is dead. I'm sure you heard, already. Must. Jerk. Harder.

Gilbert is hysterical. So, thank you.

The bus caption was meant to make you masturbate, furiously... Not laugh! Take care now, ya hear?

Kim said...

Jokes that point to the absurdity of our current world, with a quote summing it up in a positive way. Cool, Kelly. I'm enlightened by that quote, and will strive to follow your advice!
Overall, though, I can't help but think - crazy world we're living in now ;)

billy pilgrim said...

someone ought to give the protesters helmets and full riot gear so it'd be a fair fight. fuck, pay them overtime too.

Kelly said...

Hi Kim, I see you got the message of the post- How absurd the world's populace is. But even with all that goes on, we can still find the good in it. You got that, too. Cool.

I think the world is about to get a whole lot crazier with riots and whatnot the closer we get to 12/21/12. Even if we don't have the doomsday predictions come true for that day, people will try to bring it on themselves. But I hope not. Take care, Kim. I'm glad I could enlighten. :)

Kelly said...

I agree. Then they would be on even terms. Let's give them cans of pepper spray, too, to spray the motherfuckin' cops with.

klahanie said...

Oops, sorry old chap, I only just realised you have submitted another zany and rather surreal posting.
And for a change, I shall not thrill you with one of my long drawn out comments. I've suddenly got this urge to ride a bus, or a 'greyhound', but that's my kinky fantasy revealed.
And now I must go 'jack' up the wheel of the number 18 bus....
Take care man and I hope things are better for you.

Static said...

Pahahaha! OMG. That is so disgusting. I think I just ejaculated.

Kelly said...

My face is red, old chap, from not responding to your reply to this fine posting sooner- and also from seemingly endless task of jerking my meat.

No problem, Gary, about not leaving a longer comment. I welcome any of your comments, dude. Have fun 'jack'-ing on the bus, you sicko. At least I do it where you're supposed to do that sort of thing... in church.

And yes, things are better these days. I hope things are better for you. I know I've been bad about staying in touch, lately. Take care, Gary.

Kelly said...

Glad you enjoyed it, Static. Now please... put that away. No one wants to see that... especially now that your rancid mayo is dripping from it.

MartyrMom said...

Like the seeing the plumber's crack...I can't stop myself from disgusting as it may be! Still can't help myself!!

Kelly said...

Wow! You're a blast from the past! Haven't heard from you in a decade. :) Admit it! You like looking at the plumber's crack. :)

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