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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Strange Ads and Products of Yesteryear

Fascinated with old advertisements and inventions of the last hundred years, I've been collecting these images and some of the stories behind them.  Prepared to be educated and thrilled with this post of posts.  Enjoy!

Sometime in the 1950's or 1960's (I can't be bothered with finding details or facts, of course), The Del Monte company came to a curious conclusion after testing a dozen women for three years in a locked room and with nearly no outside visitations except for the company's researchers.  While using cattle prods, scientists encouraged the women that stood along a moving conveyor belt of ketchup bottles, to open the containers of tomato-y goodness with their hands and fingers.

Surprised that women had the same incredible capability of a man to open a ketchup bottle time after time, researchers concluded after the intensive study, that women could open stuff.  The scientific community would never be the same again.

While opening a ketchup bottle, the typical woman will have an orgasm.
And they eat it until they orgasm.  A healthy and happy lifestyle- guaranteed.

Back in the 1920's, a team of doctors came up with an exciting new way to keep people fit and trim after the eating of their daily regiment of one large bucket of lard per person, followed by the entire cleanly cleaved head of a hog.  The idea was so simple that one doctor, in particular, whose name was Dr. Hugh Jass, was so ashamed that he didn't think of the miracle cure for obesity before, he decided to punish himself by hammering his penis to a tree.  This action by the good doctor quickly became a fad during the day and soon, every man was hammering their genitals to trees.  Of course, while engaging in this activity, it was quite common for men of that era to have an orgasm.  This is where we get the word sapling.  Remember that!

But getting back to the idea, this miraculous miracle cure, this amazing medical conception... Dr. Hugh Jass and his colleagues found that tape worms were the logical answer for those who were fat as hippos, dining on the bowels of baby dinosaurs and dragons.

Is that a cluster of crab louse I see on Mike's shoulder?  Oh no!  He may not be suitable for future dating.
Below you will see an advertisement for health rejuvenating cigarettes.  Cigarettes are packed with so many vitamins and required benefits for healthy lungs, that they will often be fought over in hospitals, fundraisers and convents.  As a bonus, this particular brand of cigarettes would give the customer a black eye as soon as they opened up a pack.  The company would generously ensure each pack came with a contraption that would propel or spring a jagged piece of lead directly at the consumer's eye for his or her pure pleasure and enjoyment.

My best bit as a ventriloquist is the part where I can smoke a cigarette and rape this freakish looking dummy in his tight wooden ass until he screams.  It really gets the crowd laughing every time.  I swear.  What's in it for me?  The satisfaction of providing quality entertainment for my audience and having a powerful, ball-draining orgasm.  Yes sir!  When I smoke, while fucking my dummy, I make sure I always finish with a bang and an emptied ballsack.
Lucky consumers were introduced to a a breakthrough medicinal tonic back in the days of spaceships and high tech laser surgery.  Of course, I'm talking about Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic.  Not only could it induce your body's natural nutrients, metabolism and secret turd maker to make oneself gain the mass of a wild boar, but it was absolutely tasteless and no one could resist buying large quantities of the tonic and slurping it down by the pint.

There were rumors, during it's heyday, that Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic might have mild side effects that would cause you to die immediately after drinking it.  Outraged by the company's false advertising of their product, a few protesters of that time claimed the Groves company of fraud, citing that their product would not cause their heads to blow up to ridiculously huge proportions and transform the rest of their bodies into that of a grotesque pig.

Angered, those protesters stripped off their clothing and set themselves ablaze with the fires of glory and strong objection until they were as just as crisp as bacon on a sunny Sunday morning.

This handsome young lad is wondering if someday a woman might be capable of opening a ketchup bottle.
Finally, the same kind and gentle folks who created vitamin packed wallpaper paste came up with this innovative contraption for the on-the-go rectal enthusiast.  It was just the device the world had been waiting for: The Tobacco Smoke Enema.

And speaking of things for the thoughtful consumer's anus, does anyone remember this invention that saved millions of lives?  Why, of course, I'm talking about The Rectorotor.  Imagine the wonderful sensation the health-minded consumer would get with this sharp, spikey thing driven deep inside their brown eye, only to pierce the colon and wrap the colon around the harsh metal triangular pointed head like overcooked spaghetti doused with tomato-y goodness!

Some consumers of the day gushed, "I get a soothing warm sensation when it goes completely though my internal organs!"

Safe enough for anyone between the ages of 15 to 95.
I'm gonna grind and churn my way into your heart and through your spinal column for deep relaxing relief.
And who can forget those children of yesteryear with over-sized, slightly deformed heads that got rid of pesky cockroaches and bedbugs by simply hitting a ball with a baseball bat.  Every time one of those little freakish fuckers hit the ball with a bat, a hundred cockroaches and bedbugs would perish in some part of the world.

There was a scientific explanation for this but I can't remember what it was.  Wait! Give me a minute and I'll extract it from my brilliant mind.  Ah yes... Women can open ketchup bottles.  So there you have it, my friends!

I'm gonna let this goddamn ball hit me right square in the fuckin' face because it makes me giggle until I piss myself.
Remember when squirrel lamps, made of actual squirrels, were all the rage back in the 40's and 50's?  Remember the fun you had trapping these lovable scoundrels from the rodent family in barb-wired covered cages?  You would first place a homeless person's dismembered hand in the cage for bait and before you could say, "I'm gonna nail my blood-engorged penis to a sapling next Tuesday," the squirrel would hurriedly scamper, cheerfully, into the cage and begin enjoying his meal of fresh, warm human meat.  Afterwards, the thoughtful consumer would thrust his sharpened sword into the cuddly squirrel's head, killing it and climaxing, simultaneously.

Indeed, those were the days!

Along with your instructions on how to properly end the life of the beloved squirrel, you would also receive bonus instructions, giving you step by step guidelines on how to lure hamsters to your asshole.

There's a certain satisfaction in going back in time and looking at all the wonderful advertisements and products we humans have produced.  It can truly give one a sense of wonder and appreciation of our specie's ingenuity.  Let us bow our heads now, in false prayer, giving thanks and asking Our Holy Sapling for guidance so that we may continue to find new ways to better our lives with ads and inventions such as the ones pictured and described above.  Amen.


The Angry Lurker said...

Fecking hell but very funny!

Pickleope said...

These are/were amazing. I had no idea that's where sapling came from. Also, where can I get my hands on an ancient butt plug. The more rust the better! And hell yeah I want my cigarettes to come spring loaded with a jagged lead piece! Would I be a man if I didn't? These modern pussies and their "health". Gimme lard and gimme a tape worm.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The rectorator reminds me of 'The Mole', which was a machine in the pod of Thunderbird 2. It could dig a hole so deep that the earth's core would have a squirting orgasm to rival Tiana Lynn (the squirt queen).

Kelly said...

The Angry Lurker- Is 'Fecking hell' one of the secret, unmentioned rings of hell that is mentioned only in the Satan worshiper's bible, perchance? Just kidding. I'm glad you thought the post was funny, dude.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- You know what else is amazing? The fact that women can open ketchup bottles? Saplings can also be made when you jerk on your penis hard and long enough. Behold! What is that in thy hand? Why... it's a it's a big blob of baby batter, perhaps, or you could call it a 'sapling', if you want want to do that.

Good health is overrated. Digesting tapes worms, getting lead in your eyes, metal corkscrew type butt plugs that puncture flesh and smoking cigs is where it's at, man.

Enjoy this new, yet old fantastic lifestyle, Pickleope. To heck with modern doctors and what they have to say.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- The Rectorator is fun at parties, too and the perfect Christmas gift for your loved ones. Believe me, when the Rectorator is done with you, you won't have to worry about having a future colonoscopy done on ya. In fact, there's a good chance you'll never have to worry about taking a real dump again. You'll be as wide and free and open as the Grand Canyon. Hooray!

I had no idea the Earth could actually have a magnificent squirting orgasm, but then, I was surprised to find out that even women could open ketchup bottles.

So there you go.

billy pilgrim said...

hah! when i was a kid my parents used to scare the bejesus out me telling me that i'd get tapeworms if i ate too much candy. when i found out they were full of shit i switched to a full candy diet.

Dixie said...

Just a thought... 'Tobacco Smoke Enema' gives new meaning to 'taking a fag up the ass'... you think?

My ketchup bottle is the squeeze type, so I always derive great pleasure on hot dog night. Hold the Chill(i) tonic!

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- Ah, yes. I see the reasoning in what your parents were teaching you. If I had a child, I would tell the child that making needless noise, anywhere, creates monsters that kill defenseless puppies and kittens, indiscriminately.

A full candy diet, you say? Why that will lead only to good fortune and prosperity.

Kelly said...

Dixie- Yeah, that would be a unique way of thinking about it. And then, may those 'that take that fag up the ass', tells it to go home, later, when the use gets tired of it. Isn't that just like a darned tobacco smoke Enema? Always thinking of themselves.

Hmmm... I can only imagine this "squeeze bottle pleasure" you speak of in high regards, Dixie. You should ask the butler to hold the Chill(i) tonic and see how long he can hold it until his hand tires and he drops it. Then he's fired!

Anonymous said...

See!! I knew eating raw bacon was good for me!!! Now it all makes sense! The more raw bacon I ate the thinner I became! And yet nobody knew WHY... Until NOW!!! Thanks Kelly! Another Lil Dreamer mystery solved!!

Kelly said...

Lil Dreamer- You can't go wrong with raw bacon and tape worms to keep you slim, trim and prim. Don't forget to top it off with some Groves Chill Tonic and a tobacco enema. They say they're FDA approved. Who are we to argue?

You're welcome! Glad I could help out.

bazza said...

What a great post Kezza! The wonderful about old-time ads was that they seemed to be able to say whatever they wanted.
By the way, you didn't have to invent Dr Hugh Jass. Doctor Kellogg (of Cornflakes fame) was twice as mad and he was real.
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Kelly said...

Hi Bazza,

Back from your trip to Australia? Did ya love it. Did you have the Kangaroo steak with shrimp on the Barbie doll? Was a good time had by you?

Yeah, those old time ads advertised how they wanted- whether the product lived up to the hype or not. The inventions I've looked into are just as wacky as Dr. Kellogg's "heathful enemas" he had his patients and guinea pigs try out with some bizarre result. Yeah, I read all bout the whacked out doc. He was one crazy quack.

I got the name "Dr Hugh Jass" out of my mind during the writing of this post because I was thinking of this one doctor a relative had appointments with, occasionally, that had a Goodyear Blimp sized ass. Wow!

Don't ask and ye shall receive the accurate info, anyway. :) I'll check our your latest blog post ASAP, dude.

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