Note: Weeping Anus is not to be confused with the mixed drink, Weeping Jesus.
Yes, Kelly, you ask, "But how does one make a Weeping Jesus?"
Here is the recipe, my friends:
First, add a base of crushed ice to your glass, add 1 part absinthe, then gently add 1 part pear or peach schnapps and finally drip in a mere splash of grenadine. That's it. Simple and smooth. :) You're welcome.
Now, in order to make Jesus weep, that is also simple. Just be yourself.
|Jesus saw that the vibrator you were using has gone unwashed for months. He worries over your hygiene. Please, don't disappoint Jesus again.|
Sometimes, your anus will sweat (thus weep) when you haven't wiped well enough in the bathroom because you were in a big rush to go meet someone or you are late for a big meeting. At the point, after wiping fecal matter from your rectum, you might think you got all the feces from your asshole, but just as if a naughty elf had planted gooseberries in your pants, you are surprised to find out that you didn't catch all of it with the first half dozen wipes. Then, wouldn't you know it... that's when your butthole begins to get itchy and sweaty due to poop residue.
Weeping Anus Condition can also occur if you haven't washed your ass for a couple of days or if you emit a burst of gas that falls somewhere in the category of fart and shit.
This can be serious business if you're stuck in a seat at the opera house and you don't wish to get up because you're afraid you'll miss something really really exciting while you're gone. You also might be at that big meeting with someone important and here you are, squirming in your seat, trying to get into a position where it is the least uncomfortable.
If you have a chance to correct or try to remedy the situation of Weeping Anus, you should try to always to keep a maxi pad close at hand or an adult diaper, in preparation for such an event. In a pinch, ask for somebody's handkerchief or bandanna, close by, to borrow for the rest of the day, promising to bring it back to that person, the very next time you see them. As an option, you may wash it before returning it.
I've also heard of people suffering from this condition as having to resort to picking up stray animals, like a chipmunk or Rottweiler or even a friend's pet to quickly wipe one's poop-juicy rectum. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I'm certainly not one to judge. There was one incident where I happen to be at a location where I could stick a small potato up my ass. Not for kicks, mind you, but because of the much dreaded Weeping Anus Condition. Luckily, it kept "the gravy" from coming sputtering out, only to dribble down my inner thighs, but it made for long, uncomfortable standing in one spot at my wedding during the next hour.
You can just imagine the look on my face when I sneezed, suddenly, and the potato shot out my ass, tearing a hole in my tux pants and instantly smacked into my Aunt Wanda's forehead, knocking her out in a flash in the middle of the proceedings
Hopefully, you will have soaked up most or all of the juices emanating from your irritated anus by using any of the objects mentioned above. Warning: If you don't resolve this condition soon, a rash will likely develop and/or your underwear will be completely soaked in the dirty brown sweat from your stanky asshole. You want to avoid this.
|WEEPING ANUS- it's serious business|
Yahoo answers, WHY DOES THE INSIDE OF MY BUTTHOLE ITCH?
And here's the other one, HOW TO REDUCE A SWEATY BUTT
On a side topic:
Would you like to know more about The Incredible Edible Anus? Yes, there is a chocolate candy out there that can satisfy anyone's sweet tooth or desire for decadent chocolate. Click the link, please.
Together, we can combat Weeping Anus if we really put our best butt forward. Just remember, before you go out your door to ask yourself 3 basic questions:
#1- Did I really wipe well enough so that I don't have an itchy and sweaty poophole before going to work, church or a session of fucking the shit out of that special someone in my life?
#2- Should I use more toilet paper to efficiently and thoroughly wipe my ass? (Perhaps your anus has gotten bigger and you are in need of more tp to handle the situation and get it under control.) No one needs or wants an uncontrollable anus.
#3- Would installing a bidet in my bathroom help in these matters to successfully cleanse my anus? Note: Bidets are nice because they squirt warm water along the inside crack of your ass. Some models have a pulsating stream of water, gently massaging your rectum, leaving you refreshed and climaxed. MMMmmmm. Oooohhh.
So there you have it, my friends. I'm glad I could be of some ASSistance. Ha ho. Little joke there. See what I did? Yes, that was awesomely clever of me, I know.
In conclusion, go forth, spread the word of this embarrassing condition and help those in need whatever way you can. Give that needy person a thick piece of bread (white or wheat, preferably) to soak up the sweat coming from their anus! Sneakily take off your shirt and hand it to your suffering friend or complete stranger on the street and encourage them to push your shirt down into the back of their pants to absorb the butt sweat! You could also sing a prayer to Jesus! But don't mention the part where you broke that overused, hair-smothered dildo. He might just facepalm and go on to help someone with a deadly disease.
And really, he can't be bothered to waste time with a deadly disease when he can end the deep emotional and physical suffering of Weeping Anus.