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This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Weeping Anus

Sometimes it happens when you least suspect it.  Or, if it has happened to you numerous times, you almost expect it.  It is a highly sensitive condition known as Weeping Anus.  And it can strike at the most aggravating or uncomfortable periods of your life.

Note: Weeping Anus is not to be confused with the mixed drink, Weeping Jesus.  

Yes, Kelly, you ask, "But how does one make a Weeping Jesus?"

Here is the recipe, my friends:

First, add a base of crushed ice to your glass, add 1 part absinthe, then gently add 1 part pear or peach schnapps and finally drip in a mere splash of grenadine.  That's it.  Simple and smooth.  :)  You're welcome.

Now, in order to make Jesus weep, that is also simple.  Just be yourself.

Jesus saw that the vibrator you were using has gone unwashed for months.  He worries over your hygiene.  Please, don't disappoint Jesus again.   

Sometimes, your anus will sweat (thus weep) when you haven't wiped well enough in the bathroom because you were in a big rush to go meet someone or you are late for a big meeting.  At the point, after wiping fecal matter from your rectum, you might think you got all the feces from your asshole, but just as if a naughty elf had planted gooseberries in your pants, you are surprised to find out that you didn't catch all of it with the first half dozen wipes.  Then, wouldn't you know it... that's when your butthole begins to get itchy and sweaty due to poop residue.

Weeping Anus Condition can also occur if you haven't washed your ass for a couple of days or if you emit a burst of gas that falls somewhere in the category of fart and shit.

This can be serious business if you're stuck in a seat at the opera house and you don't wish to get up because you're afraid you'll miss something really really exciting while you're gone.  You also might be at that big meeting with someone important and here you are, squirming in your seat, trying to get into a position where it is the least uncomfortable.

Being on a date with that special someone is another fine example of a time when Weeping Anus just isn't an option that you can entertain.

If you have a chance to correct or try to remedy the situation of Weeping Anus, you should try to always to  keep a maxi pad close at hand or an adult diaper, in preparation for such an event.  In a pinch, ask for somebody's handkerchief or bandanna, close by, to borrow for the rest of the day, promising to bring it back to that person, the very next time you see them.  As an option, you may wash it before returning it.

I've also heard of people suffering from this condition as having to resort to picking up stray animals, like a chipmunk or Rottweiler or even a friend's pet to quickly wipe one's poop-juicy rectum.  Desperate times call for desperate measures and I'm certainly not one to judge.  There was one incident where I happen to be at a location where I could stick a small potato up my ass. Not for kicks, mind you, but because of the much dreaded Weeping Anus Condition.  Luckily, it kept "the gravy" from coming sputtering out, only to dribble down my inner thighs, but it made for long, uncomfortable standing in one spot at my wedding during the next hour.

You can just imagine the look on my face when I sneezed, suddenly, and the potato shot out my ass, tearing a hole in my tux pants and instantly smacked into my Aunt Wanda's forehead, knocking her out in a flash in the middle of the proceedings  

Hopefully, you will have soaked up most or all of the juices emanating from your irritated anus by using any of the objects mentioned above.  Warning: If you don't resolve this condition soon, a rash will likely develop and/or your underwear will be completely soaked in the dirty brown sweat from your stanky asshole.  You want to avoid this.

WEEPING ANUS- it's serious business
ALSO: Here are some helpful links that will help you deal with this condition:


And here's the other one, HOW TO REDUCE A SWEATY BUTT 

On a side topic:

Would you like to know more about The Incredible Edible Anus?  Yes, there is a chocolate candy out there that can satisfy anyone's sweet tooth or desire for decadent chocolate. Click the link, please.

Together, we can combat Weeping Anus if we really put our best butt forward.  Just remember, before you go out your door to ask yourself 3 basic questions:

#1- Did I really wipe well enough so that I don't have an itchy and sweaty poophole before going to work, church or a session of fucking the shit out of that special someone in my life?

#2- Should I use more toilet paper to efficiently and thoroughly wipe my ass?  (Perhaps your anus has gotten bigger and you are in need of more tp to handle the situation and get it under control.)  No one needs or wants an uncontrollable anus.

#3- Would installing a bidet in my bathroom help in these matters to successfully cleanse my anus?  Note: Bidets are nice because they squirt warm water along the inside crack of your ass.  Some models have a pulsating stream of water, gently massaging your rectum, leaving you refreshed and climaxed.  MMMmmmm.  Oooohhh.

So there you have it, my friends.  I'm glad I could be of some ASSistance.  Ha ho.  Little joke there.  See what I did?  Yes, that was awesomely clever of me, I know.

In conclusion, go forth, spread the word of this embarrassing condition and help those in need whatever way you can.  Give that needy person a thick piece of bread (white or wheat, preferably) to soak up the sweat coming from their anus!  Sneakily take off your shirt and hand it to your suffering friend or complete stranger on the street and encourage them to push your shirt down into the back of their pants to absorb the butt sweat!  You could also sing a prayer to Jesus!  But don't mention the part where you broke that overused, hair-smothered dildo.  He might just facepalm and go on to help someone with a deadly disease.

And really, he can't be bothered to waste time with a deadly disease when he can end the deep emotional and physical suffering of Weeping Anus.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Bidets are too gentle. (I almost said 'bidets are for pussies'). What you need is a bathroom douche that will sodomize your rectum with a jet so powerful that all the fecal matter will be flushed out.!CEHoF5!BGk~$%28KGrHqYOKi4E00hikfDvBNQ2,uLt,g~~_35.JPG

Anonymous said...

Isn't the combo of a fart and shit commonly refered to as a "shart"? Like, "Oh man I think I just sharted in my pants!" Correct me if I'm wrong about this term!


Pickleope said...

Your poor Aunt Wanda. I always thought of this condition as "phantom poos" but Weeping Anus is more catchy. Remember, you're not done wiping until you see blood on the paper. I'm generally wiping so utterly thoroughly that I am no longer an anal virgin if you count my crooked finger getting to the second knuckle.

Kelly said...

Gorilla Bananas- That seems like it would hurt. I like to treat my anus with tender, loving care. I want the angels to come to my place to massage my anus until I'm relaxed and refreshed.

Kelly said...

AK- Yes, it is commonly known as that. However, what I'm describing is a stage of poop on the butt that is less drastic than a full blown 'shart' but it is still enough to cause frustration,discomfort and a bit of brown color (light fart) surrounding the anus.

Yes, I myself, have been victimized by a 'shart.' They're quite menacing, in nature and sneaky.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Aunt Wanda has finally come out of her coma, due to the potato shooting out of my anus. Thank you for the concern. Yeah, Weeping Anus is the correct term. It's in the latest medical journals and drug companies are looking into the important medical malady in order to make a profit from it.

Wow! Blood? Crooked finger in the anus to the 2nd knuckle? That sounds like a scene out of a sitcom on the family channel. I think we should start working on a script to send to the TV producers right away.

Static said...

I'm curious if that potato was baked enough to eat? Aunt Wanda sure missed out if it was.

Kelly said...

Static- I set my ass to 350 degrees F for twenty five minutes. I'm sure it was cooked to a proper temperature. Luckily, the potato that was shot out of my ass didn't go to waste after it hit aunt Wanda. It was eaten by the innocent little flower girl and she remarked how tasty it was.

klahanie said...

Hi Kelly,

Yes, sorry old chap, for my lateness in getting to another one of your must read 'poostings'. I can assure you that I read it from top to 'bottom'.

Your take on anus sweat is a sticky one at best. At worst, you want to go to the can and find you are stuck to the seat at the opera house. Not only does this cause you much concern, but it means you get to listen to that old fat soprano chick wearing the Viking helmet.

Evidently, the best remedy is to shove a giant chocolate up your anus!

Thank you for such a delightfully informative poosting. Just reading has left me pooped and now I'm going to have a good sniff of my extremely wet and brown fingers.

With much admiration, your way, Gary

Kelly said...

Hey Gary,

there's no shame in arriving to one of my must read posting a little late. Glad you read it from boobies to poopy hole!

I'm late all the time, as if you couldn't tell, in the world of blogging these days.

I figured I'd take on the wonderfully complex topic of Weeping Anus and give people the much needed data on this most tragic of health maladies and hep those in need. I'm a giver, like that, you know.

The old fat soprano chick took out her dentures and gave me such a great head job, that my anus wept for pure joy.

You can use a giant chocolate candy or a simple potato for your anus, Gary. truthfully, whatever works out best for you, friend. FIRE in the hole!

Enjoy the scent of those sticky brown fingers of yours. You are most welcome for the informative and delightful post I've served up all juicy and piping hot this time around. :)

With mutual admiration and a bag of fresh cat poop your way,


Dixie said...

Hell, yes, I'm late commenting. I found this to be a most disgusting post. And it has nothing to do with resembling some of those leaked ideas and actions(smile).

Next time just insert my name anywhere you want. I guarantee you when you look up anus, in the DICtionary, there's a smallish photo of me.

Sorry, I'm off to shit in my neighbor's yard. He thinks a stray dog has been visiting. Shhh~

Poop freak!

Kelly said...

Dixie- Well, to me, you can never be too late to comment. The Great Weeping Anus in the Sky has been expecting you, Miss Dixie.

It is now time for the great and awesome leakage. Some will survive and thrive. Others will go to Paris to perish. It has been written.

No, I will not put your name anywhere I want. And I'm just too darn nice to put your picture somewhere on the next or in the dictionary and call it 'anus.'

But I will allow you to shit in my neighbor's yard. Those dang bastards could use a mountain of anal "ploppage" in their yard. If he asks, I'll just tell them that The Great Weeping Anus in the Sky did it to help fertilize his garden. I promise not to tell the truth.

Freak poop! That's what some will call it.

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Ralfasurus said...

In the time it took to read all these comments, I could have read 2 chapters of "Daddy" !
That thought really makes me weep.

Dixie@dcrelief said...

Could one actually miss something at the Opera House? And btw, you almost made me swear off of chocolate! (psych)

Ricky Johnson said...
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John Terry said...
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Peter Carter said...
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