This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Hawaiian Adventure: Entertainment, Excursion and Examples of Bad Behavior

If you wish to read the first installment of this series, regarding our trip to Hawaii, click here.  If you wish to read the second installment, click here.  If you've already read both of them, you are a good citizen, worthy of food and drink and mild entertainment.  If you didn't read either, I'm sorry but you'll be going to hell, where you'll be stabbed, repeatedly, in the genitals.  Good day!

There was plenty of entertainment aboard our cruise ship, Pride of America.  I think, on this cruise ship/island adventure, compared to our other one, two years ago, we saw more stage shows.  I enjoyed them, honestly, except for the fact that my wife, who I dearly love, insisted that we sit in either the first or second rows of the theater to "get a better view."

Now the problem with sitting in the first couple of rows during these stage shows is that you are risking getting picked out to participate in some of the entertainment provided.  You could find yourself involved, such as I witnessed of other passengers, in part of a comedian's act where he or she makes you look like an endearing dumbass, of sorts, or you could get almost literally pulled in, off your seat, by some muscular male Hawaiian dancers to dance with them or the Hula girls, on the stage, in front of hundreds of strangers who were delighted and relieved to be sitting away from the front of the stage.  Being a shy and modest guy, I didn't want to participate and at almost every show, there would always be a performer wanting me to participate.  I would always wave them away or kick the air towards them, saying "NO!  NO!  NO!", but they would persist.  I guess I just looked like that type of guy who would be great living material for their act.  A natural fool who would cause the audience to laugh until they pissed themselves silly.

Notice that they are sticking their tongues out.  One of the narrators and dancers said this was the way ancient Hawaiian warriors greeted and welcomed each other back in those ancient days.  Either this is true or they're just showing contempt for the U.S. for taking over their land.  Nahhhhh. 

Holy buhjesus!  I do enough crazy stuff in front of friends at parties when I'm drunk enough.

Gratefully, they would take the hint, after several attempts to get me on the stage and coerce some other poor bastard to "join in the fun."  Hell, I came to be entertained, after all, goddammit.  Not be part of the entertainment.

The food on board the ship was pretty good at the buffet.  Some of it, however, was a weird mix of cultural food dishes.  I think they were sort of trying to please everyone that came from different countries around the world.  That meant you would see a Chinese/American/Russian combination or something else that was bizarre that you could stare at for hours and never quite make out what was in it, exactly.   We often went to the Aloha Cafe, which was a buffet where you could eat and eat until you puked- which I did- but it wasn't because I ate too much.  I'll explain:  When I eat too fast or I don't chew everything down into itsy bitsy molecules, I tend to easily get food stuck down my throat.  And then, embarrassingly enough in restaurants, my breathing ability ceases and my face turns blueish and I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom so I can stick my fingers down my throat to get the food out.  And no, more to drink to get the food down never works for me.  Believe me!  I've tried thousands of times.

In any case, one morning while we were eating breakfast at the buffet, I'm trying to quickly eat an omelet, to widen my throat a bit, in order to swallow my six different medications I take every morning.  Unfortunately, a chunk of ham gets caught in my throat.  My wife is away from the table, up at the buffet, somewhere.  Of course, I start my ol' "I can't fucking breathe" routine and I try to make it to the bathroom on this huge ship.  Remember: I'm halfway crippled because of the problems with my feet.  So, there I go, hobbling and desperately trying to make it to the bathroom with food kinda going up and the back down my throat while I sweat, profusely and turn blue.  When I finally make it to the bathroom, I find that it's locked and occupied and then I suddenly vomit, right on the spot.  I violently puke with my hands over my mouth, trying to keep the vomit from going to where it ended up- on the carpeted floor, in front of the bathroom.  Hooray!  Here's a picture.  Luckily, my camera was in my pocket.

Sadly, you cannot see any chunks of ham from my omelet.  Congrats to me for actually digesting some part of my breakfast.  Man, look at all the halfway digested eggs and cheese!
I wonder if that piggy is still alive or maybe just resting comfortably with an apple in his mouth.

We went to a luau on the island of Kuaui and that was entertaining.  Free booze, a train ride through the old sugar plantations, native Hawaiians making stuff to sell to tourists, Hula and fire dancers, lots of stage performances and an all you can eat buffet.  Check out the video, below.

I had five margaritas that night (they would make any kind of mixed drink you wanted) and my arm was getting kinda tired so you'll have to forgive the "shakiness" of the camera. This video is kinda long but it's entertaining.  The entire stage show was really long and absorbing, truthfully.  Very entertaining.  Especially when one of the fire dancers dropped his fire sticks a couple of times, which you'll get to see on this video.  I was hoping one of the guests would go up in flames but I don't think it happened.  I only captured the last eight minutes of the performance on camera. You may want to "full screen" the video to get a decent view.  Maybe not.  They are doing a play or story about a couple, in ancient Hawaiian days, who want to get hitched, so to speak, but the chieftain father of the bride to be doesn't want it to happen.  The end to this play/performance really made me believe I had ingested some magic mushrooms off the buffet, by mistake.

Hawaiian  artist dude carving out a wooden fish of some sorts.  I didn't bother him.  I was afraid he might use that pointy thing on my leg or nutsack.

We went to a lot of shops on all five of the islands we explored and bought a lot of souvenirs for friends, family and ourselves, of course.  I bought a tiki, for example, made out of milo wood, that represented a god that gave you strength, guidance and family protection.  I bought it and talked to the local artist and shop owners, most of which were native Hawaiians and they were very friendly.  We talked a lot about their crafts and the history of Hawaii.

I talked to the owner and artist of this gallery and shop on the island of Kona.  She wasn't a native Hawaiian but she was interesting and incredibly talented.  You can see more of her artwork below.

This is where I bought my tiki.

This is the wife and I, standing in front of a hundred year old tree, in Kona square.

Every day, the maids would come into your cabin, while you were gone and make different animals, just like the previous cruise ship we were on, Freedom of the Seas.  These animals, which to me, were works of art and made completely out of towels.  One day, you would see a lobster on your bed, the next day, perhaps a dog or a swan and so on.  Below, you'll see me celebrating the fine work these maids do in creating these masterpieces.

Humping a towel bunny and holding onto it's ears so it can't get away.  I think I "orgasmed."  Is that a word?
This is the Na Pali coast.  It is truly beautiful and has a mystical quality to it's landscape.  Beneath the picture, you'll find a video of our ship, passing by it.  There was a lot of wind that day- so you'll hear a lot of that.  This video is pretty short, too.

This is one of the last big events we experienced on our week long cruise.

We had a long layover at the Honolulu airport at the end of our Hawaiian experience.  This really didn't bother me.  They had plenty of things to look at, such as displays that contained Hawaiian history, various paintings, cool shops and more.  Naturally, I explored.

We had a great time during our Hawaiian adventure.  I hope you enjoyed this last installment of the series.  Aloha and mahalo, everyone!


The Angry Lurker said...

"Orgasmed" I believe is a word, good post mate and even with the puking an enjoyable read.

THE SNEE said...

Hi Kelly,

I am one of the schlumps that fell behind on your Hawaiian adventure. Will you accept my apology?

I am amazed on how much you guys saw and did during your cruise (minus the vomiting of course.

Truly wonderous. I've never been to Hawaii before, and can't wait until I visit there. Your videos and photos really capture the place. Love, Love, Love (does that make it a triple threat?) the Na Pali Coastine, and I adore the photos of you and your wife.

Aloha and mahalo to you too, my friend.

Kelly said...

Thanks, Angry Lurker, for clearing that up about the word 'orgasmed.' Thanks for the 'enjoyable read' compliment, dude. :)

Kelly said...

Hi Rebecca (AKA THE SNEE)

I accept your apology though you have nothing to apoligize about. We all fall behind and take a break from the blogosphere, eventually. I have been taking breaks all year long, due to family matters and other things going on.

Yeah, we did quite a bit. We only took two big excursions lasting 4-6 hours long- but there were three "events" or things to see for each one. It was sometimes tiring but never disappointing. Island shopping and talking with the locals and people from different cultures on board our ship was fun and interesting, too. Everyone was friendly and talkative. I recommend the Hawaiian experience for everyone and hope you make it there, someday, Rebecca. I'm glad you enjoyed you triple threated loved the vids and photos, especially of the wife and I. LOL.

Aloha and mahalo, right back at ya, my friend. :)

middle child said...

Your comment on my post? Thank-you. I appreciate it very much.

klahanie said...

Hey Kelly!

Yes sir, your wait is over! I have cum over to your blog and reading your holiday hullabaloo caused me to get to the point of "Orgasmed"! And at my age, that's quite the thing.

I can see you at the front row of any performance and you being such an approachable chap, I believe that you would steal the show. And after stealing the show, you would take said show back to your cabin and have the dancing girls with the funny plumes n' stuff perform indecent acts while a magical comedian pulled a rabbit of your crotch.

I'm glad you got over your puking ordeal. I appreciate the photographic evidence. And to keep this comment somewhat short and before I start to ramble and think about your fondness of cruising, I wish you one Honolulu of a happy weekend. Thanks for sharing, great post. I follow your blog. You follow my blog.

With that, it's time for a lei, eh..

Your starstruck fan, Gary :)

billy pilgrim said...

yes, choking can be a pain in the arse. i didn't know what dry mouth really was until i actually tried taking all the drugs my doctors prescribe. i got such a bad case of dry mouth i couldn't swallow and had a hard time breathing. as slick willy would say, i feel your pain.

did you buy a wooden turtle to keep the tiki company?

Kelly said...

Hi, Middle Child

You're most welcome about the comment I left on your post. I hope you are feeling better.

Kelly said...

Hi Gary!

Thanks for honoring me with thy royal visit, Mr. Pennick. I'm so happy you were get to the point of 'orgasmed' while reading this. being that you were able to do so at your age is quite the miracle for a man you age. What's next on the agenda? Are you going to change your socks?

Yes, even though I am an 'approachable chap', likely steal the show and garner many adoring fans- not as many as you have over the years- but gosh, miracles can happen. :) If I was the star of the show, I'd tell my wife I'll be back in five minutes as I have my merry way with the dancing girls. Of course, I will have 'orgasmed' before reaching the cabin and they would flee, in disappointment but I figure... It's worth "a shot." :)

How lucky I was that I was able to capture the shot of my vomit with my camera. I knew you would appreciate that, my friend. And I thought of you, when I took it, knowing you would love seeing this picture. Even though our cruise was almost entirely enjoyable, it will likely be a long while before we're able to go on another one again.

I hope your weekend has been a decent one, my friend. Enjoy that lei you wanted. Don't leave any coconut milk on your sheets, dude. That stuff is sticky. Take care, Gary

Kelly said...

Hello Billy,

Sounds like you had your own painful experiences with choking, dude. All of those prescription drugs could be the cause of your dry mouth condition, for sure. As slick Willy might say to some chick on her knees, "Take it all in and don't let Slick Willy's secret sauce get on your fashion designer high class dress."

No, I didn't get any wooden turtles to keep the tiki company. We did buy a lot of coffee, nuts and t-shirts, though. My tiki was taken home in a travel bag, surrounded by this a lot of this stuff. Take care, dude!

Anonymous said...

Reading about you running to the restroom to puke made this blog well worth my time in reading it. And then adding the photo of the actual puke was really precious! I thought you had told me everything about your trip already, but I was wrong. You had not told me about turning blue and running to the restroom. That is something that I would remember! AK

unikorna said...

Margarita, Hula, magic mushrooms and that is one mighty blend of ..experiences :). I know the magic mushrooms were only imaginary ..You make Hawai sound like a sweet temptation.

Dixie said...

Amazing the stuff we learn from another's great adventure. Ah yes, the carpet you puked on reminded me of our local movie theater. You know yellow and blue are opposite on the color wheel and are thus complimentary?! I call this a 'fashion puke'.

There's no way I'd get on a stage dancing with my tongue hanging out. I know me... I might trip and look like I'd stapled my gums together. Now there's an image.

Fire dancing too? First thing yo'd know my little loin cloth would catch fire. But your film was awesome. Maybe it's just my crazy thinking, but a simple fart would have changed up the routine. "A little more leaping to the left, mate."

Such lovely sites to sight. And fucking bunnies? Post a video on how to make one. Orgasmed is my middle-life crisis name!

Sorry, I'm worn out with all that walking through three blogs. Heck I even have sea legs and every time I fart it goes... beeeee-ohhhhhh. LOL?

Kelly said...

Hi AK,

Thanks for commenting on this blog. It is appreciated. and thanks for thinking it worth your time because of my puking episode on board the cruise ship. It was good for me, too. :)

Yeah, I really hadn't talked to you about the puking episode before. Even though the entire trip had a few downs to it, for the most part, their were more ups and I didn't want to mention the puking part because it kinda sucked. But it didn't suck so much that I couldn't pass up a unique photo opportunity like this. Heck no! I find my vomit against the star-filled blue background to be a true masterpiece. Maybe I can make posters of it and sell them to Wal-Mart. I bet I'd sell a lot of them there. Customers might think it is quality photography.

Take care!

Kelly said...

Welcome, Unikorna

Yes, the whole Hawaiian experience was one hell of a trip- in a good way, for the most part. Lots of drinking, weird stage imagery, sex with towel bunnies. The works! I would recommend a trip to Hawaii for everyone. It was wonderful- except for the time I almost choked on my vomit and airport security made me throw away my suntan lotion and aloe vera gel. That happened to me two years ago when we took a cruise to the Western Caribbean islands, too. Airport security in Miami, Florida said we couldn't board the plane with it because they said bombs could be made from the chemicals found in suntan lotion. No shit!

But, as I said, those were minor incidents that happened during our adventure. I'd love to go back someday but I doubt it will happen for us again. In the future, I'd like to revisit the Grand Canyon in Arizona. My wife hasn't seen it yet.

Kelly said...

Well good gracious hello, Dixie

I'm glad you made it to the party here. Let me get ya a Margarita!

Yes, the regurgitated eggs and cheese upon the carpet are what we, in the artistic community, refer to as 'fashion puke.' Exciting stuff, is it not? :)

it sounds as though you're like me. I have that kind of luck where I'd trip or dance off the end of the stage and crack my head or back open below. I'd never be able to hula dance naked in the privacy of my own bedroom again and that would be a real shame and bummer for the wife. :)

A fart for the fire dancing is a fantastic and clever idea. talk about your showmanship and true talent! They could have included an act where they place their fire sticks up against their asses, cut a big fart and engulfed themselves in flames. That would have brought a lot of laughter to the audience. I, for one, would have appreciated the extra effort.

I'll post a video on how to make a towel animal just for you, Dixie. I won't show you the steps in humping it, though. Everyone has their own way! :) So you say
'Orgasmed is my middle life crisis name.' Well, that's beautiful.

glad you walked through my Hawaiian tour with a smile on your face and a fart in your bum. Beeeeee-ohhhh. Definitely... a laugh out loud moment. Take care, Dixie! Have a terrific day!

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