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This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sex Toys Should Come With Warning Labels

I’m so pleased that Kelly is allowing me to do a guest post for him, not just because he is awesome but also because there is no way I could ever post this story on my own blog without having to deal with a very disgruntled husband. So what better place to post this than here where limits and boundaries are promptly scoffed and violated?

So without further ado, today’s topic is sex toys and the bodily injuries that can sometimes result in their misuse.

I’ve been to a couple “contemporary Tupperware” parties. If you’ve ever been to one, you know the kinky shit that goes on at them.

I remember the first time I was invited to one of these parties. I was horrified when I learned that they had no intention of selling me Tupperware. Rather, this was a whole new set of collectable plastics!

After I got over the initial two minutes of embarrassment, I was like a kid in a candy store. I want one of those and one of those and oooo I like how that one tastes!!

My excitement quickly turned to terror when the rep pulled out the anal beads. “Wow, kewl!” It was like looking at a new age weapon that had the power to either strengthen or destroy your opponent. I watched hypnotized as the beads swung from her fingertips.



I hung on every word as she explained how they were used….

Anal beads are used by both sexes and all sexual orientations, and while they can be considered "kinky", they're not considered a fetish. They are, however, incorporated in many fetishes that involve anal sex, ass worship, spanking, enemas or anything involving the buttocks, anus, or the anal area.

The beads may also be used alone, as both men and women can find them very stimulating.
As with all anal sexual activity, the anal beads and the rectum should be well-lubricated with a sexual lubricant intended for such purposes.



Here’s where she lost the sale:

It is important to do this as the rectum can be easily ripped, torn or injured. It’s also important to count the beads after using them to ensure that all are removed from the anus.

(wait, what?)

There have been instances of the string being broken by intense rectal movements. If a bead gets stuck within the rectum and can not be pushed out naturally, surgical intervention may be necessary.

The last thing I want one of my sexual encounters to lead to is surgical removal of a foreign object from my ass or my partner’s ass, thank you very much. I just didn’t trust myself with that kind of power.
Unfortunately I ended up going home with an equally dangerous toy: The Jelly Sleeve!



The Jelly Sleeve will provide pleasure to both you and your lover’s hot spots! Insert your own bullet into the sleeve and then slide the ring around his penis. Both of you will enjoy sensational vibration and the feel of the soft nubbies while he’ll enjoy that perfectly snug fit. The Jelly C-Sleeve also brings non-vibrating bedroom toys to life!

Regrettably, the very basic instructions were lost on me. (Note to Self: Do not smoke pot at these parties. You may miss key instructions on how to use your new toy.)

I did not “slide the ring around his penis” as much as I did “drag his nuts through the hole”. I knew I had done something horribly wrong when his moans turned to tortured screams.

The results were damaging, not so much physically but, emotionally. It was a lot like when you accidentally slam your dog’s tail in the car door and he never gets quite as excited about car rides as he did previously.

I cringe to think what would have happened with the beads if I couldn’t even get the Jelly-Sleeve right!


21 comments:

The Angry Lurker said...

Christ you made me wince, the link to your blog didn't work.

The Minute Man's Wife said...

Be grateful you only had to read about it! Living through it is much more intense!!

Pickleope said...

Good to see one of my favorite bloggers guesting on one of my favorite blogs! And with a public service announcement to boot. I'll stick to clamps and small rodentia.

Mrs. Pickle said...

I use to sell sex toys. I was not a big fan of the jelly sleeve. I am probably the biggest fan of vibration when it comes to my clit, but I would rather have a real penis any day over something plastic. Although the plastic lasts longer and never seems to disappoint. Plus the plastic does not begged to be played with. You do it on your own fucking watch and no one else’s.

Ally said...

Dude, anything having to do with the bum is just nasteeee. That's all I gotta say.

Erika said...

That jelly sleeve looks awesome! =0

jack sparrow said...

The jelly sleeve with a silver bullet, hmm I have learned a thing or two about them. And yes I guess I should have giving you clearer instructions when I told you about them. And no it was not me that she purchased this delight from; I just told her all about them. And I agree penis is best, I love a good hard penis. But, I am willing to experiment with the hubby. (But My Ass says exit only) Finale no exceptions..

Annabelle said...

I used to love being a hostess for those parties. I got to educate my girlfriends and rack up on free sex toys. Win win.

This was funny Lady...nice guest post ; )

billy pilgrim said...

you're gonna love prostate exams when you reach the magic age.

ed said...

would love to try the anal beads.
not srs

Kelly said...

Wow... We got ourselves some super freaks in the comment box tonight. Woo hoo. But that's cool with me.

@The Minute Man's Wife- Thank you for your heartwarming and nut tingling tale of your sex toy experiences. I loved it. Sometimes those rascally toys and sex aids can turn on you and hold you captive. I don't know why they do that but they do.

One fine day... an angry penis pump chased me down the street, mugged me and left me with only my stained tighty-whiteys on the curb. That sucked!

Thanks for guest posting. It was educational and funny!

LilPixi said...

Man.....Sister, I can tell ya, I've recently started doing reviews for sex toy sites & there are some freak ass mofos out there who do some daring shit. Those crazy ass products that can tear one's rectum scare the shit out of me. You wanna be freaked out for life? Look up "pegging".

My innocence will never be the same again.

Kelly said...

@LilPixi- I'm going to look up "pegging". I've actually never heard of it and I consider myself a Master of Perversity. If YOU think it's bad, it must be friggin' horrendous! lol. <3

Kelly said...

@LilPixi- Ah, I just looked it up. It wasn't as bad as I thought, though I wouldn't have it done to me. For anyone else reading this and doesn't know what "pegging" is, it's when a woman uses a strap-on dildo and fucks a guy up the ass. I've heard of that kind of thing for decades and now they have a certain name for it. Funny. I thought it was going to be worse than a "dirty sanchez".

DramaQueen said...

Can't say I blame you - I'd pass on the anal toys myself. A girl has to have her limits, ya know?

The Minute Man's Wife said...

Great now I have to look up dirty sanchez...

The Minute Man's Wife said...

OH! That is something NASTY! I also learned about Dirty Sanchez'z cousin Dirty Rodriguez!!

Kelly said...

The Minute Man's Wife- It's still not worse than this. Copraphillia: Deriving sexual pleasure from the desire or act of defecating on a partner, being defecated on, or eating feces.

Happy Sunday. Don't forget to read my story about church service.

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