Sex Toys Should Come With Warning Labels

I’m so pleased that Kelly is allowing me to do a guest post for him, not just because he is awesome but also because there is no way I could ever post this story on my own blog without having to deal with a very disgruntled husband. So what better place to post this than here where limits and boundaries are promptly scoffed and violated?

So without further ado, today’s topic is sex toys and the bodily injuries that can sometimes result in their misuse.

I’ve been to a couple “contemporary Tupperware” parties. If you’ve ever been to one, you know the kinky shit that goes on at them.

I remember the first time I was invited to one of these parties. I was horrified when I learned that they had no intention of selling me Tupperware. Rather, this was a whole new set of collectable plastics!

After I got over the initial two minutes of embarrassment, I was like a kid in a candy store. I want one of those and one of those and oooo I like how that one tastes!!

My excitement quickly turned to terror when the rep pulled out the anal beads. “Wow, kewl!” It was like looking at a new age weapon that had the power to either strengthen or destroy your opponent. I watched hypnotized as the beads swung from her fingertips.

I hung on every word as she explained how they were used….

Anal beads are used by both sexes and all sexual orientations, and while they can be considered "kinky", they're not considered a fetish. They are, however, incorporated in many fetishes that involve anal sex, ass worship, spanking, enemas or anything involving the buttocks, anus, or the anal area.

The beads may also be used alone, as both men and women can find them very stimulating.
As with all anal sexual activity, the anal beads and the rectum should be well-lubricated with a sexual lubricant intended for such purposes.

Here’s where she lost the sale:

It is important to do this as the rectum can be easily ripped, torn or injured. It’s also important to count the beads after using them to ensure that all are removed from the anus.

(wait, what?)

There have been instances of the string being broken by intense rectal movements. If a bead gets stuck within the rectum and can not be pushed out naturally, surgical intervention may be necessary.

The last thing I want one of my sexual encounters to lead to is surgical removal of a foreign object from my ass or my partner’s ass, thank you very much. I just didn’t trust myself with that kind of power.
Unfortunately I ended up going home with an equally dangerous toy: The Jelly Sleeve!

The Jelly Sleeve will provide pleasure to both you and your lover’s hot spots! Insert your own bullet into the sleeve and then slide the ring around his penis. Both of you will enjoy sensational vibration and the feel of the soft nubbies while he’ll enjoy that perfectly snug fit. The Jelly C-Sleeve also brings non-vibrating bedroom toys to life!

Regrettably, the very basic instructions were lost on me. (Note to Self: Do not smoke pot at these parties. You may miss key instructions on how to use your new toy.)

I did not “slide the ring around his penis” as much as I did “drag his nuts through the hole”. I knew I had done something horribly wrong when his moans turned to tortured screams.

The results were damaging, not so much physically but, emotionally. It was a lot like when you accidentally slam your dog’s tail in the car door and he never gets quite as excited about car rides as he did previously.

I cringe to think what would have happened with the beads if I couldn’t even get the Jelly-Sleeve right!