This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

An Award From The Minute Man's Wife and Unbridled Insanity

And by god damned it, I'm back and seething with such ungodly friggin' rage, I'm gonna park my small car after just having gone to the bar parking lot for some excitement, stick pickles up my ass, while using a sawzall on my penis head, all the while using a penis pump, beforehand, (to get my junk- Grade A- good n' hard, ya know) while having a crooked neck giraffe give me a deep anal lickin' and have it topped off with the spiritually uplifting rim job of a lifetime from an anteater at the zoo.

Woo Fucking Hoo! and pass the fucking Valium after I go really crazy and drink a cup of shitty, chemical-tasting decaffeinated coffee. What in the fuck is decaffeinated coffee for? Don't give me any of that bullshit like "It's for people who enjoy the taste of coffee but are afraid of the staying awake a couple hours past their wussy bedtime". Fuck that! Grow a set of balllllllssss or flabby pussy lips, depending on your gender! That shit ain't coffee!!! That shit defeats the goddamn purpose of drinking god damned coffee!!! Excuse me here for a split second while I chop some fucker's head off and wear it on my rigid, cheerfully erect pecker (reference to the book, American Psycho) while I pour myself a god damned fresh cup of REAL COFFEE.

So... how have you guys been? Good? Ah, that's nice.

So, yeah, I'm back one more time until something eventually falls from the sky and caves my head in. I wonder what it will be? A meteor. I can handle that. A hundred pounds of frozen waste from an airplane going overhead? That would be like a fly gently floating by my ear and cutting a fart. Hardly noticeable.
Fuck, I'm so fucking shell shocked by recent events, nothing could be a surprise. Actually, when nothing at all worrisome is happening to the wife and I and all is cool and all is right- that's when I begin to worry. If my life suddenly begins to transform into something resembling almost harmonious, take fucking cover, immediately! That will be the true sign of the Apocalypse! Fuck that old idiot, Camping and his Rapture. Buddy, I got your Rapture right here!

But things are starting to head in the right direction. If nothing else occurs, I will be 60% satisfied. That's equivalent, to some fuckers that have a hard on or wetty for that most dreaded of made up percentages, that some like to say out loud, in a sad attempt to impress- and that would be "110%". Take your 110% and shove it way up your ass with your decaffeinated coffee you superficial, motherfuckin', crooked neck, rim job lickin' stain from a rancid pussy fart!

No, not you, my friend. The guy or girl behind you.

Sorry. Where did I hide my mind again? Ohhh yeahhhh...

Did you know that Winnie The Pooh, Rabbit and Tigger violated Piglet in all of his orifices, so brutally, until his colon eventually fell out onto the ground where it was eaten by all of the rest of the crack-addicted Hundred Acre Wood critters? Well, it's true. It's says so in the bible. It's the start of the Rapture, in fact! You're welcome for the heads up.

While on a much needed sabbatical, three (and possibly a fourth one on the way) bloggers acted as guest posters.

Mrs. Pickle from the blog, Pickles In My Ass, The Wolf, from the blog, The S.N.A.F.U Report and Pickleope from the blog, have all been generous enough to give of their unique talents and be my guest posters for the last couple of weeks. I thank all of you for your support, time and well-written and often, extremely hilarious, posts. In my tirade, at the beginning of this post, I think you might have noticed a little referencing to their posts in a somewhat genial way.

You guys really know how to make me laugh out loud while sticking my pecker in a pickle slicer.

I also want to thank genuine supporter and thoughtful blogger, The Minute Man's Wife, for the Good Bloggers Pay It Forward Award, while I was away. I've connected with her the last several months, at a sympathetic, supportive level in the blogging community in a way that I feel honestly appreciative for. She's one of the nicest of nicest people that you'll ever have the pleasure of interacting with. The Minute Man's Wife gave me, a crazy bastard, who has a heart of gold, filled with flesh-eating maggots, this award for being supportive. I am grateful and touched by this.

Amazed? Choking on a drink, suddenly? You shouldn't be. Not only am I swell but I'm modest as hell, too. Yep.

Take a gander at The Minute Man's Wife's blog, but please remember, no sex toys allowed while visiting.

Look to your extreme right. It's already there with the rest of my awards.

Oh dear lord almighty, have I just been blessed again? Easy rules for this award! Hooray!

The rules for this particular award are, thankfully, weep-worthingly easy.
1) Tell everyone who gave you the award. (I did)
2) Put up a link to their blog. (Done)
3) Pay it Forward to five more bloggers. (Going to)

In no particular order, here are the five bloggers, in my opinion, in the past, who have exemplified support, which the award is supposed to represent:

(1) Rebecca (The Snee) from the blog, The Sometimes, Never, Eventually Express

(2) Gary, from the blog, klahanie

(3) LilPixi, from the blog, It's a Lollipop world

(4) GEM, from the blog, the modern day spinster

(5) Last but not least, Mrs. Pickle, from the blog, Pickles In My Ass

Be sure to check them out or you'll get the lash!

Now this isn't to say the rest of you have not been supportive and secretly or not so secretly wish me a slow, torturous death involving me being naked, with my nuts, honey coated and ready to be torn away by the sharp teeth of rabid rodents. Besides, I don't wash my scrotum but once every leap year. Ah Ha!

I do this to keep the rodents away and because I like the sticky, pasty feeling so much. Plus, it's for the sake of any house guests who come over every so often for my famous homemade putrid cheese dip.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

I want to thank the rest of you for your support by way of commenting on my blog while I was gone, just visiting and for all the other interactions on the Internet. You know who you are. You guys have been great. Thank you!

Don't forget to take home some of my homemade cheese dip before you leave. It's deeeeelish! But whatever you do, don't drink decaffeinated coffee.

Take care, my friends!


Annabelle said...




thank u and welcome back. your guest posters kicked balls, but that's just no substitute.

H A R R Y G O A Z said...

Decaf is for amateurs !

Have a SUPER week.

Kelly said...

Annabelle- Hear! Hear! On the FUCK DECAF! Damn! As for the rest of what you said to fuck, your transportation problems are fucked up, too. You got my sympathies. speaking of vehicles, on top of everything else and being sick, one of our cars is at the mechanics, too. Driver door won't open. AC is fucked. And the exhaust system is about to fall off. 'FUCK KKKKKKKK' is right. Why do bad things happen to good people, eh?

Thanks for the welcome back and the great compliment.

Kelly said...

HARRYGOAZ- No doubt about that. :) Have a great week, yourself.

PorkStar said...

LMFAO God Damn!!! very good post my friend and thank you for the visuals, especially about the scrotal sticky pasty feeling. You forgot to mention itchy.

The Wolf said...

Fucking decaf that shit is so gay Richard Simmons wouldn't drink it....and he's fucking more gay then 4 dudes in a shower playing hide the meat log while singing it's raining men.

Congrats on the award by the way and the most delightful visual of your rancid srotum, I'm sure the children will have fond memories to tell their therepists. But hey who dosen't love a little emotional scarring

Rico Swaff said...

Hahaha, you have a funny way of describing things. Some of those term-combos are going to be SEO GOLD! I bet you get some really funny google searches.

The Angry Lurker said...

Good to have the FUCKING madness back. Congrats.

THE SNEE said...

Thank you Kelly for thinking of me. I'm glad to see you writing again, and will send good, sustainable 'wah' your way. You definitely deserve a break from the constant barrage of negativity.

As for coffee......I feel a bit like a liberal in the middle of a tea party....I drink caf and decaf. Please don't throw a sugar cookie at my face for being one of THOSE people.

Even if I do get a cookie in my face for drinking coffee without a kick, I will still treasure my award. You are the best!

WELCOME BACK! I missed you.

Pickleope said...

Yayyyyy, Kelly's back! The guest posters were great (humble self-reference, check) but there's really no substitute. But after reading this...maybe switch to decaf. What the...? How did you get in my house? AHHHHHH put down the vase, not the face, not my beautiful flawless face!

Kelly said...

Porkstar- You're welcome for the visuals. Cheesy goodness. It only itches when you scratch it. :)

Kelly said...

The Wolf- Now that right there is a sickening visual. Richards Simmons, meat logs, showers. but you're right. Decaf is friggin gay, or, I should say, on the weak side, to be more apt. Thanks for the award congrats and you're most welcome for the visual treats. Hey kids, don't forget to thank your Uncle Kelly for the emotional scarring. I did it for free. Ain't life grand?

Kelly said...

Rico Swaff- Hey Rico, I try. lol. Well, to be truthful... It's a gift to be able to sicken people. And yeah, I do get some really nasty and/or oddball searches from Google. Can't fathom why. I try to run a sophisticated establishment here. :)

Kelly said...

The Angry Lurker- Thanks, man! For all of that. Have a great night!

Kelly said...

The SNEE- You're welcome for the award. You especially deserve this award for all the times you've told me I could talk to you anytime I wanted. We've have quite a few messages back and forth that really helped me out and you've always shown your support on this blog by commenting with humorous or thoughtful words.

I can't hold drinking decaf coffee against you, Rebecca. You're special. Just everyone else will be held accountable. Let the whippings and cookie throwing commence for the decaffers! :) Tee hee.

Btw, I missed you, too and missed being back in the Bloggy World. Take care, Rebecca.

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Thanks for saying that. And thanks for helping me out in my time of need. You're a great writer.

How about I put down the vase and not drink decaf at the same time? I think I can do it. Lol. Now, as for my unbridled insanity, I'm afraid the only thing I can do for that is vent my rage on this keyboard with my rants and good natured humor.

Anonymous said...

Decaffeinated Coffee seems like a contradiction in terms to me too! LOL!

So glad to see you testing Bloggy waters again!

I bet Pickles In My Ass creamed her panties when she got this award! I know she's been horny for one!! And she absolutely deserves it - just as I'm sure the other bloggers you selected do!

In fact, I think I'll have to go check them out right now!!

Kelly said...

The Minute Man's Wife- Yeah, Mrs. Pickle does deserve it. She's a funny gal. And she's really been getting into blogging, lately, sharing her evil, depraved humor with the rest of the world. lol. Good for her.

I'll be trying to take a big swim in the bloggy waters today by writing a lengthy post. I don't know if it will make it up on the blog today but I'll get started on it, hopefully, unless I'm required to engage in some sort of ongoing chaos in my life. Right now, I'm without a friggin' car- so you can add that to the list. Yipee.

As always, I'm chock full of good news. Hope life is or will be getting better for you. Take care.

GEM said...

Hi Kelly

Good to have you back. Wow what a post, you certainly had a lot to say and more than made up for your absence. Hilarious comments about your guest posts. I really enjoyed the guest posts too!!

Thanks so much for the "Good Blogger" award. Am speechless yet again!! I'll certainly check out the other recipients.

Take Care


GEM said...

Oh forgot to mention...I drink tea I'm afraid. It's an English thing...!!

Kelly said...

GEM- Thanks for the compliment, GEM. I was rather talky in this post due to all that pent up frustration from the past couple of weeks. That's for sure. :) You're welcome for the "Good Blogger" award. You deserve it.

You like tea, too, eh? Me, too. I drink it brewed or cold. Have a good evening. It's 9:40 here.

LilPixi said...

Almost crying right now that I missed this post & wasn't here sooner. =( I fell back on my word & gave myself another blogging break, and you bestowed a wonderful award upon me & all.

This post was awesome!! Had me rolling, and then I got to the end & felt horrible over my absence. I can't wait to put that award right at the top of my fucking flair page & let it shine! <3 You're the bestest, Kelly!!

And P.S. I always drink REAL coffee even right before I go to bed (Almost wrote "before I go to pussy" there. That would have taken an interesting turn!). Damn decaf pussies.

I truly hope no more disastrous anvils will fall out of the sky onto you from here on out. That shit sucks. *frown* <3

Kelly said...

LilPixi- Awww, don't cry that you almost missed this post. I don't want you to feel bad. We all have to take blogging breaks for one reason or another. At least, those of us who are human do. :) Glad you liked the post and the award I gave ya. You have shown me a lot of support in the past and I wanted to show my appreciation to you for that. You, milady, are the greatest!

Yeah, I kinda figured you always drank the real stuff. I think you either told me that straight on or I read it on your blog. For those that drink only decaf, eh, um, they should grow a pair and look into the chemicals that are used to make decaf coffee. It ain't pretty. But there's no use in telling people that, I guess. I hope nothing heavy falls on top me any more, either, but I don't count on it. Thanks for being there for me. Take care, LilPixi. <3

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