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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My Ode To Farts (Part 1)

After that last post, I don't want anybody to think my new awards have made my head swell. No siree. I can do that just fine and dandy the normal way. To prove I'm down here, at your level, the "common man", I announce that this post is my "Ode to Farts".

I remember, fondly, of the time I had to go to the shopping mall. I was eating Chinese food at the Courtyard restaurant square. It was tasty, plentiful and a little spicy.

Suddenly, I had the urge to shit. And that wasn't good, considering the men's restrooms nearby were spectacular in their degree of repugnance. Inside you could find the floors blanketed with shit soaked toilet paper and piss covered toilet seats any day of the week. But it was especially disgusting on the weekend. I knew this from past experience. There were often times, after departing from the Courtyard restrooms, when I felt I should I rush to the nearest HAZMAT location to make sure I wasn't infected by something poisonous. While there, they could spray me down with some hardcore bacteria killin' stuff.

Even though I had the urge to drop a load, I was trying to hold it in. I didn't want to go to the Courtyard restroom. Waddling bravely with pinched buttocks, I made my way to the Sears end of the shopping mall and finally, to my restroom of choice. I could depend on it, most times, to be "floor-poop free".

So there I was, squishing a turd out from my colon when I heard two people come in. I hate it when other people are in there, when you're there. It's like an invasion of privacy or something.

A minute passed by.

I made sure my stall door was securely locked by pulling at the latch- so the turd burglars couldn't barge through.At that moment, I cut the loudest, juiciest fart that I've ever let rip in a public restroom.

To me, it had the delicate, heady aroma of a fresh baked loaf of bread. I suspect the other guys didn't smell it that way. I heard coughing from the other side of the stall wall. Hard coughing. Someone was attempting to talk. There was some urgent mumbling. Then I heard choking. One of them shouted, "God, let me out of here!" I heard more mumbling, coughing and choking. I could hear the metal trash can clang on the floor. They sounded desperate, as if they were fighting each other to get to the door first. I had to laugh. And when I did, I farted again. Which made me laugh harder.

When I was ready to leave, those guys were well on their way. Maybe to the hospital.


Anonymous said...

LMAO (or should that be FMAO - farting my ass off)! I should do that the next time someone comes into a public restroom that I'm in!

Kelly said...

It's a plan worth consideration, Al.

threio said...

do me a favor, shit at home, there are ppl with asthema and ephysema. You are going to kill someone and spend the rest of your life doing those public service commercials crying and looking like a wus pus face!

Tommy Buettner said...

Fuck'em if they can't take a fart!!
Pansy asses should have been in there before you!

sidebar - did you know in a publiv bathroom, if you bounce up and down on the toilet seat when ripping a home run, you will sound like a 76 Pinto with a bad muffler system!

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