Job Adventures

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.


Ba Boom Bah!

Well, I've got another job again. I've had four, I believe, since the middle of October. I was working at a place that assembled and tested brake parts. Did that for two and half years until things got so slow they layed me off. Since then it's been chaotic as far as employment goes. Two of those jobs I got laid off due to slow business. One job I left because it was too hard on my feet. I've got 2 inch heel spurs in each foot. Years ago, the podiatrist said that I could get them operated on to be removed but they would eventually grow back because of the shape of my feet. This job was all about walking constantly. I had to quit. My feet were in so much pain, even with shoe supports, that they felt like bloody stumps.

Now for Job#4, I have quite a tale to tell. So sit back, pop open a beer and relax while I describe the events as they're still semi-fresh in my depraved mind.

I applied for a job with a place called (name withheld). They hire people as caregivers for the elderly and mentally impaired. Being the caring and giving kind of gentleman I am, I thought myself perfectly suited for the job. Ha ha.... yeah right. Even though I told them I had zero experience with taking care of such folk, they hired me on the spot. Anyway, they stuck me with an uncontrollable autistic 15 year old named Derrik. Derrik was/is as big as I am. I'm pretty big. Five foot eight and over 200 lbs. They told me briefly some of his antics he would attempt to pull off during my 4-6 hour visits with him. But they neglected to mention some of the more important things. They did mention that 4 other people (women) had tried watching him but quit because of Derrik's hormones. He may be mentally impaired but he was horny as hell. They said Derrik would hunch their legs and try kissing them. If they told him to stop it, he would throw something at them. Like a vaccuum cleaner, for instance. After that, the father (the wife and mother left because she couldn't handle Derrik) brought Derrik to work with him at Domino's pizza. Once there, Derrik would frequently pull out his puffed pecker and commence masturbating while imitating an angry gorilla. Ta Da! The father told me this part the first (and only night) I handled him.

Naturally, it wasn't long till the boss told the father that he could no longer bring Derrik to work with him. Imagine that. I guess the customers gave a thumbs down on the dinner show. But getting back to me and my part in this tale.... They hired me on because they felt that he would respond better to a guy giving Derrik orders and taking care of him. They said they had luck one other time trying this. Anyway, I agreed. I had a bad feeling about it but I was desperate for a paycheck. I thought, at the very least, it might be entertaining. Sure enough, it was.

I had the brains, fortunately, to ask for someone else to be there to help me out my first night. The nurse, her name was Elma, came to their small efficiency apartment and met me. While there, Derrik threw plates of food against the wall. Threw open 2 liters down the stairwell. Took all his clothes off and stood to poop over the toilet. He screamed frequently. Tried to hunch the nurse and stick his tongue in her mouth. Jump up and down on the furniture. Grab my arm and bruise it. But never sit still for a moment. Elma and I would have him sit in a corner for a minute before he would suddenly jump up, lunge for one of us and make monkey noises.

I left their home that night, knowing I wouldn't be back. Hell, the company was planning on having me stay with this kid alone, four nights a week. And since I wasn't really allowed to grab hold of this kid and pin him to the ground, I knew there would be no way I could handle him. Besides, if I pinned him to the floor, he may hurt me later.... or get the wrong idea and hunch my leg.

Ick!

That's all for now. Tune in for another episode of This Is My Freakishly Insane Life in a couple days or so.