If you haven't been paying attention Kelly has decided to open up his blog for some guest posting, and so here I am to add a splash of color to this little shenanigan. But before I start an introduction is in order. In case you don't know who I am my name is The Wolf........well not literally of course but that's my blog nickname or whatever the fuck they call it. My blog is called The S.N.A.F.U Report short for Situation Normal All Fucked Up a military term that I think fits my life very nicley.
Now Kelly here has some standards when it comes to his posts, they can be......well right the fuck out there which is fucking fantastic and I wouldn't have it any other way . Fortunately for you but unfortunately for me I have lived a very messed up existence in my short time on this planet. If you can conjure up in your heads something so fucked up it's hard to believe it's probably happened to me........hey at least it's never dull. So I figured what better topic to guest post about then a story from my fucked up existence. So sit back grab a soda and I shall tell you the tale of how I was almost mugged and possibly ass raped by two gay men. And no this is not bullshit this actually happened.
It was back in 2001, I was a private in the army and I had dropped off this girl a friend had set me up on for a blind date. Personally I wish I fucking knew beforehand because she was a troll, not in appearance but her attitude was fucking disgusting.....the kind that makes you want to stick someones face in a blender type of attitude. Anyways I dropped her off and was on my way back to the barracks. That's when I saw two guys standing near what looked like a broken down car. It was near midnight and being the helpful person that I am pulled up to see if the needed some help. Edmonton where I was posted pretty much shut down at 9 even on weekends and getting a tow truck would take all night.
As soon as I pulled up I had this feeling that something wasn't right, so instead of parking and turning off the engine I let it run and kept it in neutral, not sure how to describe it but I knew something was fucking shaddy about these two guys. I roll down my passenger window and asked if they needed help. They smiled and waved and walked over to me, each going on one side of my car. The guy on the drivers side the the gayest of gay lisp accents starts trying to chat me up. You know shit like how am I, how long I lived in town small talk shit like. Meanwhile his buddy on the passenger side had his hands against my mirror. My piece of shit car didn't have power windows so in order to close the window I would have had to reach over and crank the handle, and I knew if shit was going to go down this would be a bad move.
I ask them again if there car is broken down and need help trying to get fucker one (the guy on the drivers side) back on topic. Again he smiles, then he asks if I want to go with him and his friend into the gay bar for a drink. I didn't realize when I pulled in that I was in the parking lot beside one of the only gay bars in Edmonton, not that it matters to me but in redneck Alberta (Canada) it's still a fairly big deal, which is odd considering they now allow gay marriages....but that's a whole other topic.
I tell fucker one I'm not interested and have to report back to the base.........this is when shit gets interesting. While trying to get my attention with more small talk fucker number two starts to slowly move his hand inside the car towards the door handle (the doors were locked so he had to reach inside. As soon as I look the fucker in the eye, fucker one lunges for the other door while the other ass bandit reaches down to the door handle and opens the door. I punch fucker 1 in the face, slam the gear in reverse and hit the gas. Fucker 1 lets go almost immediately but his buddy is halfway inside, I also notice at this point fucker 2 has a knife.
I back out onto the street and start speeding down the road while at the same time getting my right leg over to kick this piece of shit in the face. Now if you've ever owned a 2000 Chev Cavalier like what I had this is fucking hard to do, the way the console is almost cocoons the driver and passenger........fuck I hated that car but it was cheap. I'm also by no means flexible but somehow while driving using one hand (my other hand was trying to gouge this assholes eye out with my thumb), I got my leg out and started kicking him in the face. After two or three well placed kicks to his nose he crumpled and rolled out of the car. I was going about 70 km/h at this point so when he fell out he flew into a nearby garbage can face first. I'm not sure if he was badly hurt or not, I never bothered to stop I just hit the gas and went back to the base as fast as I could.
If there's a lesson Iearned for this it's this. One don't ever fucking let your buddy who's idea of a good time is to go to the scummiest bar in town and hit on drunk desperate fat chicks. Two don't ever buy a Chev Cavalier, they don't make them anymore since about 2004 and were replaced with the Cobalt which is pretty much the same fucking car. And if you do get one of these get POWER FUCKING WINDOWS.....don't be cheap like me. And three take yoga or stretch more or something, trying to get my leg out to kick that asshole I ended up pulling my groin and it hurt for three days.
Well there you have it, my little misadventure.......and now for a video about Unicorns
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