I Believe Everything The Fortune Cookie Tells Me and So Should You

For the past six months or so, I've been collecting fortune cookie messages from the cookies I'm given at the Chinese restaurant I patronize every so often. I've decided to show you the ones I've received so far on this post. Some fortune cookie messages fall into the absolutely moronic category, while others offer semi-intelligent advice and then there are the absurd predictions which give me a chuckle now and then.

I've read various historical accounts in the past on how fortune cookies came into being and what seemed a little interesting about the topic at first, now seems bland as tepid water- or the flour, sugar and vanilla mixture that a typical fortune cookie is made of. Still, I found this absurd tidbit of info on Wikipedia.org and I thought it was worth mentioning here, if only to cause you to scratch your head in wonder.

'Although many people do not take the message in a fortune cookie as a serious oracular device many of them consider it part of the game that the entire cookie must be consumed in order for the fortune to come true. Variations on this idea include not eating the cookie if a fortune seems unlucky, eating the entire cookie as well as the fortune, eating the entire cookie before reading the fortune, or reading the fortune before any of the cookie is eaten. While some people believe the fortune will not come true if it is read aloud, or read at all, other people follow rules involving how the cookie is selected—including selecting a cookie with closed eyes, passing a cookie to another person at the table, or choosing the cookie that seems to be pointing directly at you.'

That's a lot of rules and procedures involving something that's made up without a lot of brain juice used and usually is vague and silly. But, with that said, they can be kind of fun at times, if you're in the right mind set and not too uptight to not enjoy the mild amusement of what they say.

For anyone wishing to learn more about the fascinating history of fortune cookies, click here.

For anyone wishing to see the fortune cookie messages I've collected thus far, look several paragraphs below. My own profound comments sit neatly beside each one (for your easy accessibility, because I care a lot) and are nestled comfortably between parentheses- much like when a baby bird with a broken wing is placed in a basket and covered by a little baby blanket to keep it warm. Ahhh. Isn't that sweet?

Without further ado or anymore annoyingly insipid metaphors, here's the fuckin' fortune cookie messages!

Alter ideas and you alter the world. (I tried this but all I got from the hairless monkeys was expressions of confusion or an angry mob of them, holding torches, pounding at my front door.)

Happiness is enjoying what you got. Never from what you want. (I got an itty bitty clump of belly button lint and what I want is world peace so... HA!)

A brave man is the one that is not afraid to admit his mistake. (I admit my mistakes all the time so I must be a goddamn hero. Feel free to worship at my feet, for yes, I am a god. You're welcome.)

Luck is coming your way. (That's pretty humorous, considering what's been going on, lately.)

Good health will be yours for a long time.You have a strong desire for a home and your family comes first. (I have extreme diabetes, high blood pressure, 80% deafness in one ear, equinus foot deformity, two and a half inch heel spurs and more- so that first sentence may not be quite accurate. Hmmm. It could be, just maybe, that the magical fortune cookie fairies accidentally let that one fall into the wrong hands- namely mine. The second sentence shows that the last statement I wrote is most likely true, at least partially. I've never wanted a home. I'd rather have an apartment. If shit breaks down, it's of zero expense to me and the landlord fixes or replaces it. Plus, no lawn to mow and no property taxes to worry about. I could list a dozen other reasons but I'm not going to bother. My family does come first, though. The magical fortune cookie fairies got that right. Gosh, they must really know their stuff.)

Your present plans are going to succeed. (My present plans at the moment entail going to the bathroom and having a pleasant bowel movement within the next few minutes. I predict SUCCESS.)

You have an unusually magnetic personality. (I was curious as to why the cars on the street and the cutlery inside the apartment have been smashing up against me. I don't mind it too much, really, except for the steak knife embedded in the middle of my chest. The car that pinned my legs up against the building, crushing them into paste, earlier, caused my usual jovial spirit to dampen slightly, as well.)

Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. (If happiness is a cat that knocks over the garbage cans every so often to drag out three day old leftovers and a couple pounds worth of coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor and then proceeds to barf up a hairball and some cheese later on beside my bed- then yes, happiness is, indeed, resting just next to me, perfectly comfortable with his previous activities and accomplishments. And now, I'm petting him on the head- which he will likely perceive as a reward from me for all the good works he has performed today.)

You will make a fortune with your friend.Your dearest wish will come true. (Although this fortune may, by some miracle, happen in the future, I'm slightly suspicious in the reliability of this prediction. My dearest wish will come true? Hahaha... You better hope not. On perhaps a related or unrelated note... On one occasion, I asked a few close, personal friends, who knew me pretty well, what their reactions would be if I were suddenly in charge of the citizens in the world. Without missing a beat, they said, in unison, "I would kill myself." I had to laugh at that. I wasn't sure if I was exactly surprised by their response. Then I immediately began having hilarious fantasies of impaled bodies and deviant, sadistic sex orgies here and there- you know, the usual. I mean everyone has those thoughts, don't they?*)

*wink wink, nudge nudge

You are very expressive and positive in word, ct and feeling. (That's true. I am expressive. But then, aren't most of us? Well, unless they're an uptight, robotic type of hairless monkey. Positive in word? Nah, not really. Well, maybe sometimes. What the fuck is ct? And the last one is really "opening up a can of worms"-or words- for me, so I'll pass commenting on that one.)

Success won't taste so good without Failure as appetizers. (That could be true. But I think it depends on what you think, as an individual, what success is and what failures are. To me, being a success could be being the best parent, friend or spouse all your life. For some narrow minded, superficial folks, the word "failures" might mean having jobs that didn't pay you what you thought you deserved in substantial sums of money, without regarding the importance or the fact if those same jobs gave you a sense of fulfillment or contentedness while performing duties in your work.)

So there you have it, folks. I'm done. End of post. Kind of abrupt, eh? I know. I'm as deeply concerned about that as much as you. Move along now. There are others waiting in line behind you. That's it... There you go. Move on to the next profound, astute blog. I'm sure you'll be intellectually stimulated by all that you see, hear and read. On the way there, have a fortune cookie and a smile. Tune in next week where I discuss Mathematical Problems in Engineering With Contributions Containing Formulations and Results Relating To Applications or some shit like that.