This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Antics From A Demented Mind

I'm on the subject of animals again. Looking at that last post I did, I thought of another story that may make you either laugh, cringe or do both.


About six months ago, my wife, Aunt Kay and I went to an all-you-can-gorge-on till ya vomit buffet. It was in a Chinese restaurant. I love Chinese food. I'll have three or four plates and take a couple of shits between plates.


Oh, did I share too much? Well, please pardone....


Anyway, it's around my birthday. Kay gives me a big shiny gift bag after we're done filling our bellies. To my surprise, I pull out a stuffed dog. A 12 inch Chihuahua. His face is in a fixed pose where his eyes are bulging and he's gritting his teeth. Kind of like he's havin' a stroke. His tag reads that his name is Humphrey The Dog.











I'm shocked.... or something. Kay says, "Pinch his ear!"







I pinch his ear.







Humphrey begins to move. Strangely, the dog begins to mount the air. Humphrey is humping the atmosphere as if there's no Saturday. He makes doggy moans, groans and cries of orgasm. I don't know if I should feel titillated with the utmost glee or.... what. And he even comes with a handy velcro strap to hold him securely against your leg. You know, in case you need that perfect addition to your dress or suit to go to a wedding, funeral.... or something.


Of course, I strapped Humphrey on that Saturday night in a crowded Chinese restaurant. What else could I do. While people ate beside us, I would play Humphrey every once in awhile for entertainment purposes. I felt it was my duty. The petite, oh-so-cute female Chinese waitresses turned away from my vulgar American existence. They were wishing me away. To be truthful, I did wonder momentarily if I was going to get thrown out. But, being me, I did not care. Most of the time, the "normals" sent weird looks my way. But, eh, I'm kinda used to that.


When it was time to leave, thus ending our enchanted evening, my aunt twisted my arm and made me strap Humphrey to my leg. My wife poked my left nipple with a fork.

Just kidding.

But I'm not kidding about putting on the dog. To continue:



I strap the adorable, affectionate dog to my leg, flick the switch that turns him on and through the packed aisles of tables, I walk towards the door with a shaking, multi-orgasmic stuffed dog attached to myself. A few customers actually smiled and laughed. Which is a "truly normal" response. Some showed shock. Others continued filling themselves on their fourth or fifth plates.



Kay later said that she heard someone mutter, "Well.... that was weird."



For me, I had a good time testing people's reactions. It's funny how most people lack a sense of humor. A few do have one. It's those few I can relate to.



If you want to check out Humphrey for yourself, click on the link below.


http://www.baronbob.com/boner-dog.htm

11 comments:

Lord Mardee said...

I think I was there that night enjoying all the fun/

Kelly said...

You are correct, sir. I thought you were too whacked out of your mind to remember. You were at a table with your non-stop eating brother-in-law and somebody else.

Jared Page said...

That would be entertaining to see. I would be way to embarassed to ever do something like that.

Kelly said...

I have no shame, Jared.

Sy said...

Hell, why wouldnt you use it! Thats hours of entertainment for all the family right there, and if you are a family of one; turn the lights down, let your inhibitions go and think of whatever country you are in.

Not me though. I have a clip-on koala.

Kelly said...

I'm going to try that, Sy. Grand idea. Oooooh, I'm getting all excited just thinking about it. I'll have the soft music playing in the backround. The whole evening will be one of pure enchantment.

Gosh.

Câmera Digital said...

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LadyTerri said...

all-you-can-gorge-on till ya vomit buffet. It was in a Chinese restaurant. I love Chinese food. I'll have three or four plates and take a couple of shits between plates.


Oh, did I share too much? Well, please pardone....

OMG!!! that was funny hehehe

Kelly said...

Camera, thanks for the kind words. I'm on my way to check out your blog.

LadyTerri, Glad ya enjoyed the post. I'll be checking out yours, as well.

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