Cool Air Has Inspired and Enthralled

The taint is dry.  My brow is sweat-free.  I can actually walk around in something besides my Cousin Eddie outfits.

Happy to report:  The main AC unit has been officially repaired and installed in the wall.  Before that, the temperatures ran around 80 degrees F. in the apartment.  When the area around us wasn't getting pounded by thunderstorms and 40-60 mph wind gusts and hailstones, the temperatures rose to record numbers this time of year.  Not even summer yet and it easily would get up to 85 degrees outside.  Most of the time, I walked around in my underwear or boxers and a pair of sandals or black slippers.  Nothing else.  My wife warned me not to go outside, saying that I might get raped in my seductive get up.  Somehow, I didn't believe her.

Watch Cousin Eddie, in action, below, in National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation.  This is likely my least favorite "Vacation" movie of the series but it had it's moments. Methinks Cousin Eddie may suffer some anxiety disorder, at times.  I can't fault him for being a moron, though.  He's the entertaining kind of moron.  God puts 'em on Earth for our entertainment, I think.

Beats being around a boring moron- one like most of us encounter each day, on several occasions. This clip below is not the "shitter was full" scene of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation- but I like this scene.  Everyone and their butt mole has got that one memorized and it has been shown to death.  Hell, it's tradition for us to watch the Christmas one each year.  I still get a boner when the girl in the red bathing suit is on the diving board of the fantasy pool.  My wife ruins my mood by saying that when she flips her suit up in the air with her foot, she is cutting a pussy fart at the same time.

I also slap myself on my head to recall things.

Now I can come into this room, play games, make witty as heck comments on blogs and entertain myself by spouting off words of wisdom.  By the way, I saw the mentally challenged man again at the park.  He was still mumbling, frequently waving his arms up and down and made quacking noises.  He paced back and forth, every so often shouting, "Gimbiddy Goobey Blaaarghh!"

The mother or caretaker of this person was looking at the picnic table she was sitting at, perhaps thinking of a creamy fudge bar or slitting her own throat.  I know it's hard for people to take care of people when they're mentally challenged.  I feel for them as much or more than the mentally retarded folks they take care of- they're like the unspoken heroes and people don't say enough good about them.

At least, he, the dude I was just yakkin' about, wasn't like this other asshole in the park.  This old guy, The Curmudgeon, I call him. He was all stretched out underneath a shelter, sweating profusely, red in the face, swiggin' out of his bottle of whatever like he was thirsty or something.  :)  Anyway, he, of course, makes one of his negative remarks about how the weather is.  He doesn't miss a chance, whenever we pass each other in the park, while walking, to say how crappy the weather is or if it is a nice day, he'll say, for example "Gee, it almost feels decent today."

After he says something that I don't really feel like fully absorbing in my brain because I know how his mind works, partially, I ask him, nicely, if he is okay.  No sarcasm to my tone, whatsoever.  He breathes in, sort of okay, but his breathing is a bit ragged.  Based on this and his appearance, I had asked if he was okay.  If he needed any assistance.  Ever since I've had earlier dramatic incidents, this year, of people collapsing in front of me or onto me, in my arms, I'm a little anxious.  I'm ready to call 911 on his crazy, obnoxious, old ass.

But he says that he's okay and I walk on my usual path.  Apparently, he was "okay" because I saw him walking again.  I tried to say hello to him and get him to stop, briefly, to ask how he was but he ignored me and made sure I knew he was doing it on purpose.

I thought he was being silly, vain and stupid.  So I laughed each time as distance separated us when we walked in opposite directions.  The next day, he must have known he looked like an ass because of his attitude because he immediately engaged me in a conversation about trips he and his wife have taken to Hawaii and other locations.  At least, he isn't a total turd.

When people start conveying personal info, it's usually easier for me and quite a few people, I notice, to warm up to them.  They seem more human.  That's the lesson I take from it during my experiences of these kind.  People play odd games.  I like the straightforward, honest approach.  Why be something you're not?  Don't fear!  Show yourself-- flaws, talents, interests and all.

By the way, my neighbor, across the street, has a dozen flags in his yard.  Big flagpoles with American flags in his small yard. I don't know why he has them there.  Memorial Day is quite a long time from now.  I took a picture of his front yard-in case he kills me later on.  He reminds me of the Bruce Dern character of the movie "The Burbs."  The neighbor across the road from us is always sitting in his lawn chair in his open garage, watching the movements of all in the neighborhood.

  

True Tales of Perfectly Normal Kelly

Disclaimer:  The following stories should be read as if they were written by someone completely sane, always politically correct and sensitive of others' feelings.  They, most importantly, were written by somebody with a sense of humor.  Scared?  Don't be!  I'm here to hold your hand as you take this special journey with me on my latest incidents of pure, wholesome normalcy.  I promise not to give you that special smile, while we walk, that says 'I won't bash your head in with this bronze statue of Zues fucking a dolphin while the dolphin is porking a young handjob-maiden', I have behind my back, when you turn head away, next.  You don't know how often you come across that common stylish item in those fancy antique stores, worldwide.  

 I farted.

But less importantly, I was taking my daily walk at the local park other day.  It was a beautiful day, full of sun and a plethora of blooming trees and there was no one there to possibly bother me.  Sure, I'm certainly a social butterfly that desperately needs adulation and continuous attention until I'm nauseous of the sticky slobbers of a googly-eyed stalker smooching on my ass because the stalker glorifies me... but sometimes, I just need some alone time.  Like about 80% of the time.

Actually... I don't know what these guys are and what they're thinking.  My  ambition to find out where they come from and so on has been replaced by sudden feelings of ambivalence.  Like, I don't know whether to bash this one dude's head in with a gargantuan frozen elephant turd or become inspired and secure, knowing that the human race will come together one day, not give a shit about material possessions and place honesty and understanding at the top of their priorities.   Again, I farted.

Note:  Googly-eyed fish will target and viciously attack your taint unless you have properly cleansed it to the point where it no longer carries the bouquet of aromas made up of shit, piss or pork.  Because, you know they say humans smell like pigs or whatever... especially while they're burning.  Look it up if you want to debate me about this most interesting of subjects while I busy myself with not being the least bit sarcastic.


Join Facebook!  See the attention craving, crack-like addicts who won't stop commenting about that same boring shit, day after day!  Watch people watch other people because they hear they are celebrities and that means something ridiculously important!  Ya ever see a dumbass follow a trend to be more popular?  Ya ever see a monkey picking a nit off another monkey in a zoo or while you're out on safari?  Ya ever witness the increasing lack of creativity and open mindedness of anyone or mass of "anyones?"  :)   People remind me of that stuff and more.  Think about it.  And yes, I already know why they, the monkeys, pick the nits.  But think about redundancy, for one thing.  Jesus Christ in a snack pudding offering soul-saving bargains!  Just think!

As I was taking my daily walk in the beautiful park, I cut a fart (go figure, huh?) and I squirt o' wee bit of shit in my underwear, of course.  I don't care.  As long as it's not running down my legs and causing a pond of chocolate delight around my feet, I continue onward to the bathroom.

I go in, clean the little bit of poop juice in my underwear, wipe the stuff from my asshole, place a small wad of toilet paper between the spots in the soiled fabric and my buttocks and when I get myself together again, shorts pulled up and so on, I wash my hands, thoroughly, go out the door and am automatically confronted with a large, six and a half foot tall guy, walking toward me, only a few feet away.  He's wearing about a 5X sized purple shirt, walking towards me like a zombie, arms stretched out, forward direction.

No kidding about any of this.

He makes sounds with his mouth.  I'm dazed by this sight, this giant monstrosity of flesh and insanity and my semi-severe anxiety disorder kicks in overdrive.  Momentarily, I cannot move.

It sounds like he's saying, "Arburgagog Goalpostical Blarrrrrrrgh!"  But I'm not sure.  I was frightened and in shock.  I just know he wasn't speaking English.  I also felt shit start to rumble in my colon again, threatening to erupt from ye ol' blow hole.  In other more sensitive wording. I figured I was about to have a repeat performance of the other fiasco I just endured.  This sudden attack, that would have probably scared the shit out of most anyone besides me, made my head spin, wondering what carnival freak show I suddenly happened upon.

 I saw a shirt this other day.  He might has well as worn this shirt:

      

I have since learned, by actually being curious enough to find out what Doma Arigato means, that one of it's meanings come from the language of the Japanese.  Domo Argato translates, in English as: Thank you very much. In his case, I suppose it could also mean "Thank you very much for giving me the opportunity of giving you a heart attack and instant bowel movement."

I quickly came to my senses, before he was a foot away and darted out the park bathroom door entrance.  While walking, quickly, on my pained feet and scrambling away as if I was being chased by Bigfoot's deranged uncle, I realized four things.  One, I was successful in commanding my buttocks to keep in any fecal matter.  Two, I think the boy/man was autistic and had a "solid wall of retard" for a body.  Shhh... My sensitivity and naturally instilled political correctness is leaking out again.  And three, about as most importantly, his caretaker or mother or whoever he was with, obviously, was a middle aged, unconcerned person who saw what occurred and sat on a bench seeming not to give a shit about anything.  That could be considered a mistake if the mentally-challenged behemoth was going towards somebody with violent tendencies who didn't scamper away, trying desperately to hold his gravy shits back.  Four, I hadn't taken my Valium that day, yet.

I'm thinking about making a custom made shirt for myself.  It will read:  I'm a sufferer from depression and anxiety disorders.  Please refrain from allowing your own craziness and your human keeping responsibilities "entities" (like mentally retarded youngsters and unbalanced young men and women) and whiny brats to come within a solid yard from me or I will freeze up and/or go on a killing spree.  Thanks!

That might be a little too long and I know most people generally have a low attention span.  I might just go with:  Fuck off!  You people bother me! 


I'm okay with stress when it's not of the sudden shocking kind.  For instance, the other night, my wife and I were riding home in a gusty-as-hell, lightening filled, bucket filling kind of thunderstorm the other night.  I was driving.  I knew I wouldn't panic because I could see, before getting back out onto the interstate highway for the 30 mile trek back home, it was going to be a doozy.  Instead, I calmly drove the truck home, hands firmly and courageously stable on the steering wheel and slowing moved around the ponds of water on the sides of the roads.

As long as I know what's coming, I'm alright.

Yesterday, we had another thunderstorm.  It knocked the electricity out for four hours.  I took a nap in the middle of the thunderstorm.  They had tornado "watches" for several neighboring counties on the TV before I took my nap.  Note:  Four weeks ago, we had a dozen tornadoes ravage our state and a couple nearby states.  I wrote a blog post about it.  When I got up, it was starting to get dark.  I lit a couple candles to see the toilet, furniture that I could stub my toe on and so on.  Then I put on some sweat pants and looked out on the balcony.  Even though it was getting dark, it was beginning to hail quarter sized hailstones, along with 60 mph wind gusts and rain.  And about an hour later the electricity came back on.

Quarter sized hail is nothing for me.  I lived during the "148 tornado and baseball-sized hail stone incident" in 1974.  There was a tornado in our back yard at one point.  I didn't have anxiety disorder back then so I quickly ran to the window, against my screaming parent's will, to check out the very real tornado.  A couple hours later, my younger sister and I started to go outside and collect hailstones like Easter eggs, from the grass, putting them in our Playmate coolers to later store them in the freezer.  Of course, finding no practical usage for them, we threw them back out on the ground after a week.

In hindsight, I should have kept them, went up the big tree in the yard and threw them at cars that passed by our house.  Oh well.

Even though it's fascinating to watch hail, quarter-sized or larger, come down for some people and even me, when I'm in the mood, I am more concerned about my vehicles.  I was hoping it wouldn't damage my truck this time.  Not only is that truck a "deer magnet", but I was thinking that the hailstones might dent the body or crack the glass.

Other than this stuff going on, including a non working AC unit in 87 degree weather and other smaller problems, things seem to be getting better for me.

That's all I got for now.  Have a great weekend!  I'm sure I'll stop by your blog, soon, to offer you a cordial comment full that's sure to be chock full of whimsy and wit.  Beats being chock full of shit, any day of the week, right?  Later!   

Barreling Through Christmas With Determination and Valium

So far, I haven't allowed my depression from not having Mom around get to me this year.  It's been 6 years since she's been gone and she was truly the glue, along with my grandpa, holding the family together.  Now the family is fragmented.  One won't attend a Christmas gathering because so and so will be there and another will make it impossible to reach because they don't care about getting together for one reason or another and on and on it goes.

You would think everyone could put aside their differences and petty hates to get along but nah... no such luck.

Still, I'm barreling through the four and possibly five different family Christmas gatherings that I have attended and possibly will attend- that is determined if we can ever reach him.  One of these gatherings is coming up Christmas day.  Unfortunately, we're hosting it.  It is exhausting so far, with the house cleaning part, decorating windows, food preparation and so on.  Nope, not my idea.  I'm doing all of this strictly for my significant other.

She deserves it, wants it and it will make her happy as long as I don't lose my temper, become frustrated and stick the tree up somebody's ass, completely obliterating their colon.  That last part, knowing the in-laws, could happen.  I can count on them to make things even more difficult and convoluted than they need to be.  An old story.

This never worked for me.  Not even with that toothless meth addicted midget I found in the alley.  Her oozing sores were a dark Christmas red and green.

I'm usually an old grouch, Grinch and sometimes, a full on bastard around the holidays.  I don't want to be but that's just how it is.  My depression, frustration with crowds, family, traffic and all things stressful, pushes me to the edge. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being a little less than festive- well, a lot less festive the last 6 years and I'm desperately trying to make up for it.  Yes, this time around, I am really trying to make things as good as they can be this Christmas- for the wifey and for lovable ol' me.

What a beautifully festive display.  Someone finally gets it right.

The positive approach is better than being negative.  No matter what obstacle has been thrown my way, I've tried to make the best of it.  Hell... why not?  And you should see all the nice gifts I got my Sweety this year.  Jewelry, even!  Gosh, I'm a hell of a guy.  And I haven't broken the bones in my hand with all of the patting myself on the back one bit.

What a happy-go-lucky elf I am.  Not at all driven to insanity with all this holiday cheer and shit.

Yesterday, it was raining for the 10th day in a row.  I hurriedly got in my truck, got my rain poncho out and came back inside, on the bottom floor.  I was bound and determined to go for a walk in the park.  Fuck the monsoon we were having around this goddamn area.  I didn't feel like going up the stairs to my apartment and putting it on.  Instead, I put the rain poncho on downstairs in front of the neighbor's door at the bottom of the stairs.  Sure enough, while my head was buried and I was scrambling to get this rain poncho on right, the neighbor woman below, with her baby in her arms, pops out her door, suddenly and scares the shit out of me.

"Goddamn!," yelled I.  I added, "Holy shit!"

The neighbor smiled and then asked a stupid question, "Is it raining?"

I was soaked from my head down to my boots.

I do so much love it when people do this.  When people ask me obvious questions, I immediately get a boner.  In fact, anytime someone does something ridiculous in front of me, I sport wood.  Fuck, I must be hard all the time, eh?  Pull out in front of me, suddenly, with your crappy little Smart car and I'll pitch a tent in my pants like no other.  Of course, I will run over your Tonka Toy piece-o-shit with my big V-8 pickup truck while doing so, but hey, isn't that showing some Christmas spirit?

Anyway, after ranting away about how dismal the weather has been in the area, I told the neighbor to have a Merry Christmas.  Maybe a little forcibly, in tone, though I didn't meant to say it like that.  She wished me the same, politely, and said she had to go to work.  I wondered how she was going to go to work with a baby in her arms, but, oh well.

Maybe I'll be give her a little Christmas cheer and let her have the close parking space next to the main apartment door below a couple times.  I'm a real giver this year.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone.  Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to disrupt my blog posting challenge for the next few days because of the overwhelming upcoming events I'll be working on.  Family feasts and more.  That means I won't be able to post anything for the next two days, at least.  Believe me.  I would much rather do the blogging thing than- wait a minute- I gotta be positive no matter what.

Wish me luck!

A Praying Mantis by my door, waiting to ponce on me and bite my head off.  I did mate with her, after all, and that's how they do it in Praying Mantis World.  Begone, vile fucked up looking monster!  I will forever regret fucking you in the ass.  Especially now that my head has been bitten off.

One Hundred and Sixty Four Tornadoes and At Least 280 Deaths

I found this to be more important to talk about than any Royal Wedding, any birth certificate of a current president or all the rest of that crap the media blathers on about these days. Let's get real, folks. This is real news involving real lives. And it really puts things into perspective.

The National Weather Service reported 164 tornadoes struck, yesterday, on April 27. Wednesday's tornadic supercell storms, that killed upwards of 280 people in a wind-driven rampage across the Midwestern United States, is the first of its caliber to have been forecasted and monitored through its progression with such first-hand accounts and eyes-in-the-sky intensity. Most of the tornadoes were at least a mile wide. Here's footage of some of the tornadoes captured by people, who, in my opinion, got just a little too close. 280 people now, have been noted as being dead from the destruction, for the record. But the count is still rising as more bodies are found.

Denial Comes In Many Forms

My wife, my friend, Steve and I were watching the movie, Anger Management, last night. It's a comedy with Adam Sandler, Jack Nickolson and Morisa Tomei in the main starring roles. One of my favorite movies of all time. It's off-the-wall, hysterical and has an undeniable message. And this is a message that shows the truth in how people interact and cope with each other, themselves and how they play mind games to manipulate themselves and others. But you're not going to get any of this unless you're paying attention to the movie.

Nickolson plays the character of the psychologist, Dr. Buddy Rydell, who is trying to help Sandler's character, Dave Buznik, with his anger issues.

If you've seen the movie, you may remember the lines of dialogue Jack Nickolson spoke to Adam Sandler as he explains the difference between explosive anger and implosive anger.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.

Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I’m the guy in the frozen food section dialin’ 911. I swear.

Check out this funny scene from the movie in the clip below.

Unfortunately, I suffer from implosive anger. I wish it were otherwise but it isn't. I don't deny the fact that I and others around me may suffer from my choice of keeping shit inside until I go off like fireworks in a portable toilet, but most of the time, I'll deny whatever is eating at me until the inevitable event occurs. I think a lot of people, if they were honest, would say the same. You want to avoid confrontations because they are unpleasant. In an individual's mind it may seem as if they're trying to give the person, thing or problem chance after chance to say the right thing or resolve itself but it is also a form of denial. It especially becomes clear when you want something to happen and, obviously, it isn't going to happen. Acceptance can be difficult.

Explosive anger can be bad, as well. You can't just go off on someone because of something they said. And you shouldn't punch a wall at the exact moment something negative occurs to you. There should, if humans were rational, be a real attempt on the part of the person feeling like they're "getting the shaft" or being insulted to restrain themselves from abrupt, extreme violent verbal or physical abuse.

Honestly, which one of those types would you say you have? Remember... When you are true to yourself with one thing or another in your life, it lifts yet another burden from your shoulders as you make your journey. I just made that up. Pretty good, huh? Not only profound but I somehow manage to stay humble, too. Amazing.

My friend said this last night, after watching Anger Management:

"Denial isn't just a river but it's a way of life for some people." Get the joke?... De Nile? (as in the Nile River)... and denial? Sure, you're likely not laughing until you piss yourself but I liked it. Hell, you might have heard it before. I don't know nor care but it's a true enough statement.

Well, curiosity got the best of me and I just looked it up. It's been said already. Sorry, Steve. lol.

Here's another quote, from the great philosopher, Aristotle:

“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy."

Have you noticed, during the last ten years or so, that they keep building bigger and bigger cruise ships? Over three thousand passengers could fit on the cruise ship, Freedom of The Seas, we took last summer. After that, another cruise ship, Oasis of The Seas, was created. It's five times larger than the Titanic. It can hold 5,400 passengers and 2,145 staff members. And there will be more cruise ships coming, from what I've read, that will be even bigger, if they haven't been created and launched already. More lives on board. More lives at stake if something goes terribly wrong. The notion that plans to evacuate people are guaranteed to work simply isn't true. Things can and have gone awry on cruise ships.

The Carnival cruise ship, Carnival Splendor, had a fire in their engine room, last year, that shut down all the power, stranding over 4,000 passengers and staff members out in the middle of the sea. People endured three days and nights without hot food, cabin lighting and air conditioning. Their story could have ended a lot worse, of course. And in the future, with companies willing to raise the ante of Potential Life Loss VS. Rising Profit Margins on the continuous building of massive ships, one holding more people than the one before it, something horrendous will eventually happen. The odds for it are obvious.

There have been other cruise ship events in the past that were near disasters, by way of lives being almost lost. Take the MTS Oceanos, for example. Ten years ago, this cruise ship was sinking after an explosion was heard. Water rapidly rose up through the hull, generator room and beyond. The crew took off, leaving the passengers stranded. Very few were led to the lifeboats to safety. While the captain was one of the first to get off the ship, most of the passengers were left to fend for themselves. Luckily, the on board entertainers assisted the passengers and kept them alive. Click the link for part of that story.

There are other examples, other scenarios that have happened. Like everyone on board getting deathly sick from bacteria or one thing or another. I think that happened last year. I forget which cruise ship. I doubt it was the Love Boat. You can look it up, yourself.

The point is:

It's all for the purpose of making bigger profits, building these gigantic floating cities on the oceans. And all those people. Just think about it! Denying that something terrible will happen is easy and arrogant on the part of these cruise lines.

You might have heard the news about news reporters going into Egypt to report the violence and the protesting against President Mubarak. One female reporter, Lara Logan was raped and assaulted while there, trying to tell what was going on. While I commend her on wanting to get the truth out there to the rest of the world, since Mubarak was trying to keep the truth from getting out, by way of television and the Internet, I think she and her news crew were somehow denying to themselves that something horrendous could happen to them in the middle of that powder keg. Brave, but stupid. Denial of what will likely happen in a scenario like that is stupid, especially when it comes to your life possibly being snuffed out and your family paying the price, in the end, for your bravery/stupidity.

Oh, and hey, my fellow Americans, get a goddamn clue! The world hates the U.S. because we meddle into their business and their problems and their affairs so we can make a profit from their misery or whatever they got that we happen to want. Wars. Oil. Politics. Corporate greed. Government. All linked. When one country sets up military bases all over the world like they're the New Roman Empire, what kind of hostility do you think that will bring about from the rest of humanity?

We're a country full of fat, rich, obese people that let out cries of patriotism because we're given misinformation to instill that fucked up sense of patriotism. Delusional. A nation of fuckers in denial. Just keep giving us that paycheck and we'll keep performing our expected tricks for you . Continue to drill for oil in the water, in the national parks or wherever. Intrude on what's left of our privacy. Do whatever you want. We just want to be left alone and left dumber than a box of rocks. We can't be hassled or bothered by the truth of things.

And global warming is just a myth, of course. Sure. A lot of idiots were claiming that the harsh winter we had was proving global warming was just an alarmist piece of propaganda. Yes, in 49 of our 50 states we did have snow falling. True. This is and was a very extreme winter. I've done my fair share of complaining with good reason but the facts are the facts. The deniers have said, more or less, "Fuck what 95% of the scientists have as proof of global warming." Btw, would you care for an explanation of why our weather is becoming so extreme, hot and cold-wise, and that it is most certainly connected to climate change? Click here for that answer.

While we're on the subject, check out this informative little clip for a bit of good cheer.

Don't forget to continue to pump that poison in the air and keep the profits rolling and keep those corporation execs and bank CEOs in their mansions and their private jets. Don't worry. We'll just keep working and hiding our heads in the sand. No questions asked. Just deny that it is happening. We'll keep doing that until we've wiped out every last plant, tree, animal and pocket of clean, breathable air.

Then it's "Goodbye, Mr. Blue Sky!" You sow what you reap, fuckers!

I'm sure we're not the only ones to fall into the denial trap. The German citizenry were certainly suckered in by the Nazi party rhetoric during WW2. They made themselves believe it in the hopes that their economy would become repaired and they could live a better life. Of course, some threats, attacks and outright murders were committed to help persuade the folks. The Jewish people and more ethnic groups got to suffer for the German people's delusion and belief in that propaganda. Gas chambers. Concentration camps. Torture. Cruel medical experimentation. Denial mixed with inhumanity can bring forth catastrophic results.

I called my sister up, today, after she was finished plucking a couple turkeys she had in her pen of chickens and ducks. They all get along, in case you're wondering or making assumptions. She said she was going to make sausage out of the male because adding spices normally reserved for sausage masked some of the stronger taste of the male meat of the bird. The female turkey doesn't have that strong of a taste to them, she explained. I asked why was that. She said because the testosterone somehow permeates the meat of the males and gives them that slightly nastier flavor. Females don't have that kind of taste to them, according to her.

She went on to say that these big meat butchering companies treat their cattle and pigs and chickens like crap by feeding them in confined spaces and putting them through hell before they find their way into the supermarkets. As a result, the meat is slightly or more contaminated by these chemicals or hormones produced in the meat that causes them to have that strong, unsavory taste.

Japanese Kobe beef has a much better taste to it than American beef because they treat their cattle with tender loving care before they kill them, slice and dice 'em and serve their flesh on your plate. Mmm... I'm getting hungry. Let me give you a real nice massage, like they do in Japan, before I cut off your head, tear out your guts and divide your body parts among the masses. The cattle might being treated better at the time, but in the end, it's kind of a nasty little prank, is it not? All that tender loving care and then WHAM! They're meat for humans in the end, when only recently, they were being pampered.

My point is that there is denial with that aspect on how we treat our livestock and the connection with what we're putting into our bodies. Still, I'm not going to stop eating meat. I'll be honest. I like meat. If you and I were on a deserted island and there was no hope of rescue, I wouldn't turn your back! I'll make you my meal of choice if I feel desperate enough. Mmm... I hope there's a little garlic that's washed ashore, to go with your rib meat. Don't you deny me your flesh, now, friend. :-)

Denial comes in many forms, for the individual and groups and nations of people. What you, we or I choose to ignore and deny can and will likely, in the future, present a grave danger, if it hasn't already.

And, in conclusion, I say, "Have a pleasant afternoon and sunny tomorrows, everyone! Yipee!"

Toadie in "The Christmas Trip" (Part 1)

Despite Rufus and Maggie's objection to Toadie leaving their mansion in Chicago, Toadie ventured out on a trip across the country during the Christmas season to take in the sights of all the decorated houses and winter festivals across America.

Rufus and Maggie, worried for their semi-retarded friend's safety, were at least able to convince Toadie that he should be escorted during his month long adventure. Maggie persuaded her younger cousin, Valerie, to escort and drive the 33 year old mentally impaired man wherever he wanted to go. At first, Valerie balked at the suggestion due to college priorities. Of course, it didn't take much persuasion from Rufus and Maggie since they had only recently become millionaires due to a huge inheritance and were able to offer Val a substantial amount of money for the task.

Fifty thousand dollars for playing a taxi driver for an imbecile wouldn't be a bad deal, she thought. Besides, the college freshman felt she badly needed a break from school. Val was feeling burned out.

A week into the trip, Valerie began to understand Toadie and realize, with in-depth discussions with him, that he wasn't as mindless as some assumed him to be. She could tell that he was just one of those type of people that you had to really talk to, on a one-to-one basis, for a certain amount of time, in order to get what he was honestly all about.

One night, on the way to Birmingham, Alabama, Valeria turned to Toadie and asked, "Well, are you ready to check in at a hotel?"

Toadie, staring straight ahead at the festively decorated lampposts along the street, replied, "Toadie farted." This was followed by a string of saliva dripping from his bottom lip.

Valerie countered, "Yes, Toadie, I know. I could smell it ten minutes ago and I still can."

Toadie wiped the spittle from his mouth and then said, "The smell makes Toadie hungry for the big bowl of chili Toadie ate this afternoon."

Valerie laughed and then said, "Well, it makes me want to puke my chili up on this dashboard."

Both travelers laughed together then, in effect, causing Toadie's penis to become erect, which happened quite often when he laughed. This odd reaction to laughter would sometimes make for awkward scenes at a Chicago grocery store that Maggie would sometimes take Toadie to, in the past.

Whenever Toadie would see someone or hear something he thought humorous, he would chuckle heartily and eventually sport a 14 inch raging boner which would often times peek out from the top of his sweatpants. Maggie would see his meaty manhood sticking out and tell him to think of something sad to deflate the size of his erection.

Normally, when these events occurred, at least one store patron would invariably see his lengthy piss weasel, stop dead in their tracks and point at Toadie's prick. Some people laughed. Some shrugged. One patron actually screamed and had a massive stroke. Her name was Mabel Strausfurg and she had just celebrated her 70th birthday the day before. When the elderly woman collapsed to the floor, Toadie was shocked and began to sob, uncontrollably.

Customers looked down at the woman breathing her last few breaths on the floor, but instead of running to get help or call for an ambulance, they stood around the old woman and twittered and private messaged their friends and relatives.

Several customers took pictures with their camera phones and other electronic gadgets.

One twenty-ish something year old girl texted this message:

Old biddy just up on dropped on the floor. lol. Most excitement I've had all day.

The bored reactions of the customers vaguely reminded Maggie of the true incident in which Bill Nye, "The Science Guy", collapsed onto the floor before reaching the podium at a college University in California. Everyone in the audience, made up of mostly college students, texted and tweeted what had just happened instead of attempting, in any degree, to help Nye.

Maggie immediately took out her cell phone and called the 911 emergency number before rushing off to alert store management. Quickly, before leaving, she turned to Toadie and said, "Put that thing away before you kill anyone else."

This made Toadie even sadder, feeling immeasurable guilt and as was often the case when he was feeling blue, Toadie would comfort himself by masturbating. This time proved to be yet another such occasion. While being so overwhelmed by emotion that he let out a long sorrowful wail, Toadie abruptly pulled down his sweatpants and urgently wanked his willy .

Toadie exclaimed, suddenly, "Toadie sad!"

With his fat, clenched fist, Toadie began pumping up on down on his love muscle until jets of plentiful semen gushed out, hitting the seemingly bored customers' faces while they tweeted. Not fazed by this in the least, a few crowd members decided to sit down on top of the dying woman and continued to text and twitter. Some of them, in fact, tweeted that they thought there could be a leak in the store ceiling.

This is the actual tweet that one of them typed out:

I think there's something leaking from the ceiling here. Something just hit the top of my head or went in my face. Whatever.

Valerie and Toadie pulled into a snow filled hotel parking lot. The area was enduring subfreezing temperatures for the last several weeks, not allowing for the snow to melt anywhere in the city. Because of this, many of the citizenry in Birmingham were angry and frustrated and took it out on each other and city property in bizarre and vicious ways. One such citizen committed the outrageous act of burning down the city's 35 foot tall Christmas tree for it's measly amount of copper. At least, that was his excuse for burning down the tree.

It seemed, during these times, people were declaring war on Christmas trees. For instance, in Germany, the police arrested a man for making a huge six foot marijuana plant his very own Christmas tree. Justification for his arrest, some had trouble figuring out. The old man wasn't hurting anyone, after all. He was just trying to have a merry Christmas the best way he knew how.

Yet another member of the Birmingham, Alabama community jumped from a bridge to his death. Curiously enough, he was a shopping mall Santa in the area. On his way to the rough waters below, he could be heard to shout, "HO HO HO!" Still alive, though taking in large quantities of river water, the man in the Santa suit thrashed about in the river current and pleaded for help, damning himself for his stupidity.

No help was given to the depressed drowning man, of course. The onlookers, instead, messaged to others on their electronic devices that they had just heard something make a splash in the water. Then they continued doing nothing.

After Valerie and Toadie checked into the hotel room, Valerie smiled at Toadie and began to undress. It wasn't long before both road weary travelers slipped beneath the sheets and....

THE NEXT POST (PART 2 of Toadie in "The Christmas Trip") WILL CONTINUE THIS STORY. MEANWHILE, YOU MAY ENJOY THESE PRECEDING ADVENTURES OF TOADIE BY CLICKING THE FOLLOWING LINKS:

Toadie in "Happy Anniversary"

Toadie in "Road Rage Spectacular"

Toadie in "First Love"

TILL NEXT TIME, "HO HO HO AND MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!"

Back From My Caribbean Adventure

Ahoy, Matey!

I'm happy to say that I, along with the other 3, 633 passengers on board the Freedom of The Seas, survived our voyage despite the category 4 hurricane, Hurricane Earl, from a week ago. I knew, the day before the trip, that the goddamn hurricane could possibly pose a threat, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I was determined to defy the power of the seas, themselves! That's just how much I wanted to go and just how completely insane I am.

We had to take a much different course than intended, but we made it out alive and unscathed. YO HO HO and a bucket of chum!

Indeed.

Instead of going to the Eastern Caribbean Islands, Captain Tor Olsen decided to take the ship to the Western Caribbean Islands, for the most part, with the exception of Cococay, Bahamas.

My wife and my personal adventures on the cruise ship and on the islands were filled with many physical and emotional ups and downs (mostly ups, thank Poseidon) and I won't possibly be able to tell the entire story in one post. In other words, I'll definitely have to spread all of this out in a series of posts. There's just way too much to tell, damn it.

This post will be short and sweet, in fact, due to everyone in our circle of friends and family demanding that we show them all the 266 pictures taken, assorted souvenirs bought and revealing all that happened during our seven day voyage. Tonight will be just as busy as the last four days since we came back. No rest for the wicked and demented.

And yeah, that's me below, drinking out of the pirate skull mug I got in Cozumel, Mexico. Thought it was too cool to pass up.

I know I have a lot of catching up to do, in regards to blog visiting/commenting and I'll be sure to start on that tomorrow. I just wanted to let all of ye landlubbers know that Kelly The Pirate is back, full of renewed vigor, replenished spirit and a hearty yearning to go back to the seas of the Caribbean.

BP Oil Spill, Alternative Energy and Climate Change (Part 3)

This is the final post in this series.

As you may have noticed, I removed the Gulf Oil Spill Tracker from my right side bar. The well has been capped, so in my mind, there's nothing more to see. Besides, I was getting tired of looking at it, to tell you the truth. Now, if only I could make the damage done by British Petroleum's busted well, greed and incompetence go away as easily. Anyway, it does look as though this attempt at capping the well is going to be successful. BP put the cap on yesterday and so far the pressure hasn't caused any eruptions in any other connecting lines. Keep those fingers crossed. Gulf residents, understandably, remain wary.

This post will focus primarily on climate change.

The aforementioned bit of good news on the oil well capping has not deterred that, unfortunately. I wish I could snap my fingers and magically make that go away, as well. But climate change is very real, folks, and it will likely be the death of us all in the near future. That is, if we don't kill each other by different means first.

It doesn't take being a scientist to know something is wrong with the extreme weather we have had in the last few decades. You and I can see it every day.

Here's a brief description of climate change, just in case you've been living in a cave or have had your head stuck permanently up your ass.

Taken from NASA's website:

The Earth's climate has changed throughout history. Just in the last 650,000 years there have been seven cycles of glacial advance and retreat, with the abrupt end of the last ice age about 7,000 years ago marking the beginning of the modern climate era — and of human civilization. Most of these changes are attributed to very small changes in the Earth’s orbit changing the amount of solar energy the Earth receives.

The current warming trend is of particular significance because most of it is very likely human-induced and proceeding at a rate that is unprecedented in the past 1,300 years.

Earth-orbiting satellites and other technological advances have enabled scientists to see the big picture, collecting many different types of information about our planet and its climate on a global scale. Studying these climate data collected over many years reveal the signals of a changing climate.

The heat-trapping nature of carbon dioxide and other gases was demonstrated in the mid-19th century. Their ability to affect the transfer of infrared energy through the atmosphere is the scientific basis of many JPL-designed instruments, such as AIRS. Increased levels of greenhouse gases must cause the Earth to warm in response.

Ice cores drawn from Greenland, Antarctica, and tropical mountain glaciers show that the Earth’s climate responds to changes in solar output, in the Earth’s orbit, and in greenhouse gas levels. They also show that in the past, large changes in climate have happened very quickly, geologically-speaking: in tens of years, not in millions or even thousands.

La Manga del Mar menor, Murcia in Spain... rising sea level, due to climate change

Go here to learn more about the evidence of climate change.

There are those who simply don't want to accept the evidence because it is too much to bear or because it threatens aspects of their lives that they don't want to change. Denial is most people's first response to something they don't want to hear, much like being told of a diagnosis of a terminal illness. Or even something less important, like being told that you look as though you've gained weight. The urge to deny the ugly and frightening truth is something most of us succumb to every day.

Which could explain a lot, concerning how we deal or not deal with the facts of life in our "head in the sand" society.

Another group of deniers fall into the category of those who are paid to deny that climate change is happening at all. Patrick Michaels and Steve Milloy, whose work for fossil fuel companies has been repeatedly exposed, are great examples of this ploy. Journalists working for newspapers, television or radio have secretly taken money from fossil fuel companies in trade for writing up shit that explains away climate change and/or it is something that is completely natural and has little if nothing to do with the human activity in accelerating the drastic changes in climate we see today. This, of course is bullshit.

Fossil fuel companies like BP, ExxonMobil and others have inserted their messages into every medium by means of news journalists and the denial scientists who do not reveal their sources of funding. Anybody who reads the reports of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change or who has discerned the bullshit from the truth know what the reality is.

Fossil fuel companies have a huge investment in spreading misinformation on mankind's (their) major involvement in climate change.

It's up to you and the rest of the fuckers on this planet, our only home, to believe and give a shit about the truth of the matter. I'm providing some interesting links down below on climate change and it's very real effect on the human race. The world will likely survive. But we won't. Have a nice day.

http://environment.change.org/blog/view/new_studies_provide_further_proof_of_climate_change

http://www.ncdc.noaa.gov/sotc/?report=global&year=2010&month=6&submitted=Get+Report

Baltimore Weatherman Flips Out

This weatherman in Baltimore loses it before the upcoming Snowmaggedon.

Ice, Snow And Cats

Since yesterday, our area has been hit with ice, rain, freezing rain, sounds of thunder and five to seven inches of snow. I know there are areas in this country, especially Washington DC and most of the North Eastern US have got it a lot worse. According to the news, Washington DC is going to get bombarded with two and a half feet of snow. The most snow they've seen in years. I pity them and everyone else on the East coast.

It will be rough.

I've survived four major blizzards, that I can remember. A couple of them were the cause of the power going out and the water lines freezing for days. Fun ahoy!

Here, in our county, we have a level 3 snow emergency -which means if you are seen driving out on the roads, you can be ticketed by the cops. Our county is the only one in the tri-state area to have this level of emergency. I'm glad we went to the grocery store Wednesday to get food, drinks and most importantly, toilet paper. Wiping your ass on paper towels can be rough -literally.

Many people in our area live on back country roads. They're pretty much fucked because they are the last ones to have their roads cleared off by the city.

Needless to say, WalMart, Krogers and every other store was packed with panicked customers buying salt, snow shovels, cans of de-icer and so on, the day before. My wife not only had to work at WalMart nearly ten hours that day but she also had to struggle up the incredibly steep ice and snow covered hill to make it home after work.

Here are some photos, I just took, of our scenery outside. I've also included a picture of my oldest cat, Mufasa (the one that looks completely relaxed, on the floor) and my younger cat, Victor (the orange tabby on the chair). We keep them indoors, of course.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Snow And The Fun Ahead

The snow keeps coming down here in Indiana. Off and on, it comes in big heavy spurts, then a light flurry. It started to fall during the morning work rush hours, of course. Snow never falls when it's supposed to fall. But really, is there ever a good time?

A little boy was shoveling snow in our apartment complex parking lot, despite the fact his uncovered paths were covered back up minutes afterwards. I admired his efforts. For over an hour, he was out there shoveling away, full of determination. He finally gave up and went back inside. Which is good. Otherwise, with the temperature being in the twenties, he would likely become a three foot, hooded Popsicle.

I watched the tv news earlier today and they were showing video clips, repeatedly, of accidents that have occurred on the interstates and highways. Each local news program have their own reporters going out on these interstates and highways, showing and telling the viewers how much snow is on the roads and the various people that they stop to ask how they're faring on the roads. You will never see them go on a back country road, where the huge amounts of unplowed (normally) snow is. Ha ha. That's where the real action is. And it's always the same questions and usually, the same answers given during those short, useless interviews, as well.

Now here's a question I would like to hear asked, but never is:

"Do you really need to be driving on the road during this time?"

Ah, the craziness of most folks. But then, I wouldn't have much a blog without them, would I?

Now, as I look out the window, a gang of screaming child beasts, are snowboarding and sledding down our sloping parking lot, falling down, sliding underneath or near parked cars- like mine. Of course, when they get hurt, the parents will try to sue the landlord or the owner of the vehicle they supposedly were injured by instead of doing the right thing: Discipline and watch their kids. You know, parenting.

Years from now, these little hairless monkeys with little or no common sense will go on to college, continue their brainwashing societal indoctrination and hold down overpaid jobs where their bad decision making will effect the public and individuals in numerous and heartbreaking ways. Though hopefully, by their ripe time of adulthood (if that's what you would like to call it), Earth will have completely shaken us off like the diseased ridden fleas that we are with floods, famine, earthquakes, massive hurricanes and so on. Anyone with common sense can see that process is already underway these days. And good golly, you can see that we are all so very concerned and the big industrial nations (the worst contributors of global warming) are certainly taking real action. Sure.

Then, after some time has passed and only traces of our existence is left, another civilization will arise to build, make war, pollute, worship power and currency, repeat our past mistakes and well .... repeat it all again. Just as before.

Keep your fingers crossed! Sarcasm intended. Also: In tribute to the human race, I just cut loose a small, yet delicate fart.

Anyhooo, I hope my wife gets home safe through all of this shit outside. Snow/ice is fucking dangerous and worthless. Only skiers, snowboarders, kids and the like enjoy this crap.

I hope anyone reading this remains safe and warm during this winter season. This time, no sarcasm.

Here's The Outside Scene Around My Place

First, we had our shitload of snow. Then we had our icy rain storm on top of that. Then we had a grand ol' second dumping of snow for the third layer. So far, 10 to 11 inches of snow and ice. Since the driveway/parking lot of our apartment complex is a frozen tundra and at the bottom of a hill, we are snowbound- with only two rolls of toilet paper left. When that runs out, I'll have to start using one of our cats to wipe my ass.




Here's some shots of our back balcony. Thought these were kinda cool.





These are my two cats. The grey, brown and white calico is Mufasa, named from a character from "The Lion King" movie. She's heavily matted now. Mufasa has trouble licking her hair out, especially her back and ass parts, because she's so chubby. In a couple weeks, we're going to get her shaved. She'll be put out first, of course. The last time someone tried to shave her, while she was awake, she bit a dozen holes through her leather muzzle until finally breaking through and taking a chunk out of the pet groomer's arm. After that, she celebrated victory by pissing and shitting all over the place. Ordinarily, she's very loving toward us. Doesn't care much for strangers, however. Tends to hiss and sometimes nip. Adorable.







Luckily, we didn't get sued by the pet groomer. Heh heh.



The next one here is of Victor, our red haired tabby. He's my baby. In this shot, you can see him doing something he's not supposed to do- which is get up on our kitchen table chair. And yes, that's our very cluttered kitchen table in the backround. LOL.




So there you go. That's all I got for now.