Shat The Snowwombat

Before you is a tale of enchantment, whimsy, hope, love and a gathering of woodland creatures, geared towards making you feel all warm and juicy inside. Feel the wonder! Delight in the magic! Behold the bliss-inducing imagery and joy that will surely fill your heart!

Gosh!

when Shat The Snowwombat came upon a gathering of animals. The animals looked at Shat with shock because he was made almost entirely of snow, yet his penis was made of wood. Well... that and he appeared to be more than a bit handicapped looking to the critters of the forest. The woodland wildlife quickly noticed he was shuffling along the snowy grounds with a walking stick in his grip. Shat had been badly injured during an ice hockey game years before and, as a result, found it difficult to get about. This day was the first time he had been out of his snowwombat home in years, braving the adventure of the wilderness. For Shat, this was an act of personal triumph.

But that personal triumph didn't matter to the deer, the squirrels or the rest of the animals. They all laughed at poor Shat. Shat asked the animals, "Why are all of you laughing at me?" The animals shook their heads and began laughing considerably louder. One of the deer turned his gaze away from Shat, in disgust, as if he were an abomination.

The squirrel suddenly shouted, "You're a freak! That's why we're laughing at you!"

Shat's wooden penis pointed downward. When this happened, you could tell he was sad. :(

A fox by the name of Rascal suddenly ran up behind the snowwombat and placed a human's discarded drink container on top of Shat's head. Then he ran back to the mob of animals and joined in their relentless mocking of the creature made of snow.

Rascal the fox exclaimed, "Look everyone! It's King Weirdo and he's wearing his crown!"

Shat cried at the taunting and laughing beasts that began to surround him. This constant mocking of the animals, because he was different, caused Shat to become so depressed, his wooden penis slipped away from between his legs and fell off into the snow. The animals poked and prodded him until he turned around and started the long journey back home.

Before Shat could shuffle across the road into the other side of the forest, a vehicle full of humans came by. Shat called out to them and said, "Please give me a lift. I am afraid I will not make it back to my home before I expire."

The humans were a little afraid of the snowwombat at first. They couldn't believe this "thing" was moving toward them. In fact, Shelly, the attractive blonde in the passenger seat of the car, pissed her panties, in fright. The husband, Jack, asked Shelly, "What the hell is that?" The baby in the back seat began wailing. Shelly said, "I don't know and I don't care. I just want to get the hell out of here. That thing is freakin' me the hell out."

Jack and Shelly had been married only five years and had produced five kids in that space of time. The baby in the back seat was the latest addition. Their other kids were dropped off at one of their parent's houses where the kids would besiege and harass the suffering grandparents all day long. This was a strange and cruel custom practiced by humans quite frequently. Adult humans would often take advantage of their parents by asking them to babysit their offspring for them, promising to be back in a few hours, while they went off to a land far, far away for a bit of serenity or to a hotel to fuck and create more rugrats for the suffering grandparents to take care of in the future. The parents wouldn't be back to retrieve their youngsters until the next day or the next month.

This is how Shelly looked before she had kids.

Humans were very proficient at creating more and more offspring, regardless of the consequences. With that said, even Jack and Shelly agreed this last addition to the family was enough, finally.

After the last baby was pushed out of Shelly's well worn vagina, Jack was thoughtful enough to go down to the hospital gift shop to buy Shelly a lovely card and a festive, colorful balloon that said CONGRATS in big bold lettering. Shelly was overwhelmed when the proud poppa kissed her on the cheek and gave her the gifts.

And this was the card.

Now, curiosity had gotten the best of Jack and he decided to get out of the car to see what the unfamiliar creature was. Shelly begged him to stop and to get back into the car. Jack waved Shelly's concern away and walked toward Shat the snowwombat. Shat was only a few feet away from Jack when he said, "Don't be afraid. Just because I look different from others doesn't mean I will harm you."

Jack's jaw went slack. He was frozen in place and found it difficult to understand that this thing of snow could speak. He wondered, Am I having an acid flashback?

Then Shat, in his attempt to quell Jack's shock and fear, told Jack a joke.

Shat said, "An Alpaca went into a bar, ya see, and as it was sitting on the stool the Pope comes in and sits down at the bar counter beside him. The Alpaca turns his head and says to the Roman Catholic Holy Father, 'Hey, what's that place called- that you hang out at?' The Pope answers, 'That would be the Vatican, my son.' The Alpaca inquired, after smirking, 'Is that the Vatican or the Vati-can't?' Then the Alpaca rears his head back and laughs. The bartender shakes his head at the lame joke. Furious, the Pope jumps down off his bar stool and punches the Alpaca in the face, knocking him out and then proceeds to fuck it hard in the ass until the animal bleeds to death on the bar room floor."

After hearing the joke, Jack becomes enraged and exclaims, "You bastard! I'm Catholic and I know for a fact the Pope couldn't have fucked the Alpaca in the ass and made it bleed to death! The Pope's penis is only two and one quarter inches in length and I oughta know. I've made several booty calls to the Vatican in my day and have sucked The Holy Father's all powerful and almighty blessed skin flute in many a night."

Shat wasn't sure what to say. It seemed his attempt to "break the ice" with the human somehow failed and that the man was acting irrationally. Jack glared at the snowwombat and accused him by saying, "Only a demonic being would make such jokes at the Pope's expense."

Jack walked toward Shat, intent on destroying him.

Suddenly, Shat's fairy godmother appeared from nowhere and stopped time. Both Shat and the magical woman were in a dark place, quiet and free of turmoil.

"My name is Labia Minora and I am your fairy godmother," the wondrous woman stated.

Shat said, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever beheld in my gaze."

The fairy godmother said, "I know. I get that a lot." Which she followed with a little giggle.

"Now, Shat, I've noticed you've been having a bit of difficulty trying to bond with the woodland creatures and the humans," said Labia Minora, quite exuberantly. She asked, "If there were anything you would wish for, what would that be, my dear one?"

Shat thought about it for a moment and told her what that one wish would be.

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After the magical meeting with his fairy godmother had ended, Shat found himself in the exact spot that he had initially met her.

Now Jack and the rest of the beasties of the forest converged upon Shat, ready to tear him apart because he was different and things that he had said.

Pleadingly, Shat the snowwombat cried out, "Please, stay away from me!"

They cared not for Shat's cries of anguish and instead, seemed even more eager to pounce upon him.

With a wave of his walking stick, Shat warned, "I told you to keep at bay!"

Suddenly, a blue mystical bolt flew out the end of Shat's walking stick. This resulted in Jack being turned into a human icicle, buried inside the frozen ground to his chest. The animals were astonished. Shelly grabbed her baby and ran out toward her frozen husband.

Standing next to her thoughtful husband and seeing what Shat had done, Shelly looked at the snowwombat and said, "I'm going to kill you, you freaky little monster."

Shat, frightened, waved his magic stick wand again and turned Shelly into a Snickers candy-loving monster.

The baby was dropped to it's feet as the mother roared like a ferocious jungle beast and ran off towards town, in search of the particular candy made by Mars, Incorporated.

Angry at what Shat had turned his mother into and, more importantly, the fact that he wanted to get some titty milk and she had left with her tits, the baby let out a growl and ran on his little hands and knees, menacingly, toward Shat.

Shat waved his wand again, turning the baby into an odd human/unicorn/clown hybrid and transported him to a carnival sideshow.

Turning toward the angry mob of wilderness animals, Shat waved his wand many more times, causing as much chaos and abominations to appear as he felt the pain in his heart and soul.

The animal who first threw hurtful insult at him, the squirrel, was abruptly frozen, completely and transported to a far away city to lay on top of a cigarette butt waste can like a gruesome decoration.

One of the deer that had mocked him earlier felt a sudden cold draft around his rear end. When he looked back, he found that his butt had been sliced off and his blood and guts were pumping out onto the snow covered ground. Then the deer dropped dead. Where was his butt? Shat had magically transported it to the outside wall of a human's house. The deer's butt hole was turned into a doorbell.

When Shat was finished working his wonders with his magic wand, the snowwombat felt an overwhelming joy fill his heart. Happy with himself once again, Shat shuffled his way back home and turned the cave in which he had lived, into a beautiful fairy land type of castle.

And this, my friends, is where our enchanting story comes to an inspiring close.

The Endless Ice Age And A Rude Imbecile

The endless Ice Age that most of the country is suffering from is getting mighty old. You got your collapsing buildings from the snow, frozen car doors and everyday sub-freezing temperatures that cause your balls and beavers to ice up whenever you walk out the friggin' door to get the mail or go to work. It just won't stop. For once, I'd like to take a walk in the park where I'm not wearing four layers of clothes and three pairs of socks over my dingle.

And a car trip from our parking lot to the beginning of the road? It can be like taking your life in your own hands and kissing your frozen gooseberries a heartfelt goodbye. Not that I could bend over that far. Hell, if I could, I wouldn't be wasting my valuable time writing this post right now. I'd be gettin' busy.

When I went for my walk today, the temperature had risen up to a balmy 35 degrees Fahrenheit. Woo hoo. A friggin' heat wave, nowadays! As I started my stroll, I was surprised to see four kids, wearing parkas, coats, scarfs and those big woolly Russian hats, playing tennis on the courts while I was there. They were running around, batting the ball back and forth, making the best of a freezing situation. Good for them, I say. Ironically, during the summer months, you would be lucky to see the tennis courts being used even once in the park.

The other night, we went to Taco Bell to try out their new steak and cheese burritos. I know "the Bell" has gotten a bad rap, lately, due to the report or accusation that they're not using 100% ground beef in their food but that doesn't bother me much. For one thing, I think you could say a lot of shit about other fast food chains that would be worse. The McRib from McDonald's, anyone? What kind of "meat" is that? Is that something taken from the hide off of a yeti?

Below: The new steak and cheese burrito. A little spicy but tasty, nevertheless.

Anyway, while we're sitting there, a guy dressed in gangsta or punk clothing, complete with a hat being worn backwards, torn t-shirt and jeans sliding down to his ass crack, comes in and talks really, really loud. This guy wants to be heard. He is a first class Attention Craver, not to mention A-1 Asshole. First, the fashion-impaired, twenty-something year old punk complains about how cold it is in the restaurant. Then he remarks to the employees how they should start paying their heating bills so the place was warmer for him.

Meanwhile, the patrons of the restaurant are ignoring him and chowing away on their pseudo Mexican fare while the delightful dumbass continues his barrage of scintillating commentary. In between talking to my wife about how her day at work went, I can't help but to hear this dude's outbursts to the management and the employees. At one point, he leans over the counter and shouts to the employees in back, regarding his food order, to "Take care of me on that cheese!"

I'm guessing that was his cordial way of letting them know that he wanted them to put extra cheese on whatever it was he ordered. If it were me preparing his food, I would have pulled my peppy gigglestick from my trousers and spurted my own homemade type cheese onto his tacos and then see if he would have enjoyed munching on that.

Though I enjoyed the new burritos they had there, I found the imbecile's behavior a little annoying. I'm surprised the manager didn't ask him to leave. Fortunately, the guy and his quieter pal didn't stay too long. They quickly ate their food and took off. Before leaving, the guy asked a female employee, trying her best to ignore him, if she was married. When she quickly replied that she was engaged, the lout said, "Damn, that's too bad. But you know... we could still meet up after your shift's over. You feelin' me?"

Ahh... a charmer til' the end. The girl, noticeably irritated, forced herself to smile at the irresistible fuckwad and turned around to continue cleaning a table. Prince charming then walked out the door, jabbering away about how "damn cold" it was in there.

Watch the Metrodome stadium roof collapse under the weight of over two feet of snow.

Car Spins Wheels In Snow and Catches on Fire

Watch this idiot, on live TV, spin his wheels until he catches on fire.

Baltimore Weatherman Flips Out

This weatherman in Baltimore loses it before the upcoming Snowmaggedon.

Ice, Snow And Cats

Since yesterday, our area has been hit with ice, rain, freezing rain, sounds of thunder and five to seven inches of snow. I know there are areas in this country, especially Washington DC and most of the North Eastern US have got it a lot worse. According to the news, Washington DC is going to get bombarded with two and a half feet of snow. The most snow they've seen in years. I pity them and everyone else on the East coast.

It will be rough.

I've survived four major blizzards, that I can remember. A couple of them were the cause of the power going out and the water lines freezing for days. Fun ahoy!

Here, in our county, we have a level 3 snow emergency -which means if you are seen driving out on the roads, you can be ticketed by the cops. Our county is the only one in the tri-state area to have this level of emergency. I'm glad we went to the grocery store Wednesday to get food, drinks and most importantly, toilet paper. Wiping your ass on paper towels can be rough -literally.

Many people in our area live on back country roads. They're pretty much fucked because they are the last ones to have their roads cleared off by the city.

Needless to say, WalMart, Krogers and every other store was packed with panicked customers buying salt, snow shovels, cans of de-icer and so on, the day before. My wife not only had to work at WalMart nearly ten hours that day but she also had to struggle up the incredibly steep ice and snow covered hill to make it home after work.

Here are some photos, I just took, of our scenery outside. I've also included a picture of my oldest cat, Mufasa (the one that looks completely relaxed, on the floor) and my younger cat, Victor (the orange tabby on the chair). We keep them indoors, of course.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Snow And The Fun Ahead

The snow keeps coming down here in Indiana. Off and on, it comes in big heavy spurts, then a light flurry. It started to fall during the morning work rush hours, of course. Snow never falls when it's supposed to fall. But really, is there ever a good time?

A little boy was shoveling snow in our apartment complex parking lot, despite the fact his uncovered paths were covered back up minutes afterwards. I admired his efforts. For over an hour, he was out there shoveling away, full of determination. He finally gave up and went back inside. Which is good. Otherwise, with the temperature being in the twenties, he would likely become a three foot, hooded Popsicle.

I watched the tv news earlier today and they were showing video clips, repeatedly, of accidents that have occurred on the interstates and highways. Each local news program have their own reporters going out on these interstates and highways, showing and telling the viewers how much snow is on the roads and the various people that they stop to ask how they're faring on the roads. You will never see them go on a back country road, where the huge amounts of unplowed (normally) snow is. Ha ha. That's where the real action is. And it's always the same questions and usually, the same answers given during those short, useless interviews, as well.

Now here's a question I would like to hear asked, but never is:

"Do you really need to be driving on the road during this time?"

Ah, the craziness of most folks. But then, I wouldn't have much a blog without them, would I?

Now, as I look out the window, a gang of screaming child beasts, are snowboarding and sledding down our sloping parking lot, falling down, sliding underneath or near parked cars- like mine. Of course, when they get hurt, the parents will try to sue the landlord or the owner of the vehicle they supposedly were injured by instead of doing the right thing: Discipline and watch their kids. You know, parenting.

Years from now, these little hairless monkeys with little or no common sense will go on to college, continue their brainwashing societal indoctrination and hold down overpaid jobs where their bad decision making will effect the public and individuals in numerous and heartbreaking ways. Though hopefully, by their ripe time of adulthood (if that's what you would like to call it), Earth will have completely shaken us off like the diseased ridden fleas that we are with floods, famine, earthquakes, massive hurricanes and so on. Anyone with common sense can see that process is already underway these days. And good golly, you can see that we are all so very concerned and the big industrial nations (the worst contributors of global warming) are certainly taking real action. Sure.

Then, after some time has passed and only traces of our existence is left, another civilization will arise to build, make war, pollute, worship power and currency, repeat our past mistakes and well .... repeat it all again. Just as before.

Keep your fingers crossed! Sarcasm intended. Also: In tribute to the human race, I just cut loose a small, yet delicate fart.

Anyhooo, I hope my wife gets home safe through all of this shit outside. Snow/ice is fucking dangerous and worthless. Only skiers, snowboarders, kids and the like enjoy this crap.

I hope anyone reading this remains safe and warm during this winter season. This time, no sarcasm.