Sex Toys Should Come With Warning Labels

I’m so pleased that Kelly is allowing me to do a guest post for him, not just because he is awesome but also because there is no way I could ever post this story on my own blog without having to deal with a very disgruntled husband. So what better place to post this than here where limits and boundaries are promptly scoffed and violated?

So without further ado, today’s topic is sex toys and the bodily injuries that can sometimes result in their misuse.

I’ve been to a couple “contemporary Tupperware” parties. If you’ve ever been to one, you know the kinky shit that goes on at them.

I remember the first time I was invited to one of these parties. I was horrified when I learned that they had no intention of selling me Tupperware. Rather, this was a whole new set of collectable plastics!

After I got over the initial two minutes of embarrassment, I was like a kid in a candy store. I want one of those and one of those and oooo I like how that one tastes!!

My excitement quickly turned to terror when the rep pulled out the anal beads. “Wow, kewl!” It was like looking at a new age weapon that had the power to either strengthen or destroy your opponent. I watched hypnotized as the beads swung from her fingertips.

I hung on every word as she explained how they were used….

Anal beads are used by both sexes and all sexual orientations, and while they can be considered "kinky", they're not considered a fetish. They are, however, incorporated in many fetishes that involve anal sex, ass worship, spanking, enemas or anything involving the buttocks, anus, or the anal area.

The beads may also be used alone, as both men and women can find them very stimulating.
As with all anal sexual activity, the anal beads and the rectum should be well-lubricated with a sexual lubricant intended for such purposes.

Here’s where she lost the sale:

It is important to do this as the rectum can be easily ripped, torn or injured. It’s also important to count the beads after using them to ensure that all are removed from the anus.

(wait, what?)

There have been instances of the string being broken by intense rectal movements. If a bead gets stuck within the rectum and can not be pushed out naturally, surgical intervention may be necessary.

The last thing I want one of my sexual encounters to lead to is surgical removal of a foreign object from my ass or my partner’s ass, thank you very much. I just didn’t trust myself with that kind of power.
Unfortunately I ended up going home with an equally dangerous toy: The Jelly Sleeve!

The Jelly Sleeve will provide pleasure to both you and your lover’s hot spots! Insert your own bullet into the sleeve and then slide the ring around his penis. Both of you will enjoy sensational vibration and the feel of the soft nubbies while he’ll enjoy that perfectly snug fit. The Jelly C-Sleeve also brings non-vibrating bedroom toys to life!

Regrettably, the very basic instructions were lost on me. (Note to Self: Do not smoke pot at these parties. You may miss key instructions on how to use your new toy.)

I did not “slide the ring around his penis” as much as I did “drag his nuts through the hole”. I knew I had done something horribly wrong when his moans turned to tortured screams.

The results were damaging, not so much physically but, emotionally. It was a lot like when you accidentally slam your dog’s tail in the car door and he never gets quite as excited about car rides as he did previously.

I cringe to think what would have happened with the beads if I couldn’t even get the Jelly-Sleeve right!

An Award From The Minute Man's Wife and Unbridled Insanity

And by god damned it, I'm back and seething with such ungodly friggin' rage, I'm gonna park my small car after just having gone to the bar parking lot for some excitement, stick pickles up my ass, while using a sawzall on my penis head, all the while using a penis pump, beforehand, (to get my junk- Grade A- good n' hard, ya know) while having a crooked neck giraffe give me a deep anal lickin' and have it topped off with the spiritually uplifting rim job of a lifetime from an anteater at the zoo.

Woo Fucking Hoo! and pass the fucking Valium after I go really crazy and drink a cup of shitty, chemical-tasting decaffeinated coffee. What in the fuck is decaffeinated coffee for? Don't give me any of that bullshit like "It's for people who enjoy the taste of coffee but are afraid of the staying awake a couple hours past their wussy bedtime". Fuck that! Grow a set of balllllllssss or flabby pussy lips, depending on your gender! That shit ain't coffee!!! That shit defeats the goddamn purpose of drinking god damned coffee!!! Excuse me here for a split second while I chop some fucker's head off and wear it on my rigid, cheerfully erect pecker (reference to the book, American Psycho) while I pour myself a god damned fresh cup of REAL COFFEE.

So... how have you guys been? Good? Ah, that's nice.

So, yeah, I'm back one more time until something eventually falls from the sky and caves my head in. I wonder what it will be? A meteor. I can handle that. A hundred pounds of frozen waste from an airplane going overhead? That would be like a fly gently floating by my ear and cutting a fart. Hardly noticeable.

Fuck, I'm so fucking shell shocked by recent events, nothing could be a surprise. Actually, when nothing at all worrisome is happening to the wife and I and all is cool and all is right- that's when I begin to worry. If my life suddenly begins to transform into something resembling almost harmonious, take fucking cover, immediately! That will be the true sign of the Apocalypse! Fuck that old idiot, Camping and his Rapture. Buddy, I got your Rapture right here!

But things are starting to head in the right direction. If nothing else occurs, I will be 60% satisfied. That's equivalent, to some fuckers that have a hard on or wetty for that most dreaded of made up percentages, that some like to say out loud, in a sad attempt to impress- and that would be "110%". Take your 110% and shove it way up your ass with your decaffeinated coffee you superficial, motherfuckin', crooked neck, rim job lickin' stain from a rancid pussy fart!

No, not you, my friend. The guy or girl behind you.

Sorry. Where did I hide my mind again? Ohhh yeahhhh...

Did you know that Winnie The Pooh, Rabbit and Tigger violated Piglet in all of his orifices, so brutally, until his colon eventually fell out onto the ground where it was eaten by all of the rest of the crack-addicted Hundred Acre Wood critters? Well, it's true. It's says so in the bible. It's the start of the Rapture, in fact! You're welcome for the heads up.

While on a much needed sabbatical, three (and possibly a fourth one on the way) bloggers acted as guest posters.

Mrs. Pickle from the blog, Pickles In My Ass, The Wolf, from the blog, The S.N.A.F.U Report and Pickleope from the blog, Pickleope.com have all been generous enough to give of their unique talents and be my guest posters for the last couple of weeks. I thank all of you for your support, time and well-written and often, extremely hilarious, posts. In my tirade, at the beginning of this post, I think you might have noticed a little referencing to their posts in a somewhat genial way.

You guys really know how to make me laugh out loud while sticking my pecker in a pickle slicer.

I also want to thank genuine supporter and thoughtful blogger, The Minute Man's Wife, for the Good Bloggers Pay It Forward Award, while I was away. I've connected with her the last several months, at a sympathetic, supportive level in the blogging community in a way that I feel honestly appreciative for. She's one of the nicest of nicest people that you'll ever have the pleasure of interacting with. The Minute Man's Wife gave me, a crazy bastard, who has a heart of gold, filled with flesh-eating maggots, this award for being supportive. I am grateful and touched by this.

Amazed? Choking on a drink, suddenly? You shouldn't be. Not only am I swell but I'm modest as hell, too. Yep.

Take a gander at The Minute Man's Wife's blog, but please remember, no sex toys allowed while visiting.

Look to your extreme right. It's already there with the rest of my awards.

Oh dear lord almighty, have I just been blessed again? Easy rules for this award! Hooray!

The rules for this particular award are, thankfully, weep-worthingly easy.

1) Tell everyone who gave you the award. (I did)

2) Put up a link to their blog. (Done)

3) Pay it Forward to five more bloggers. (Going to)

In no particular order, here are the five bloggers, in my opinion, in the past, who have exemplified support, which the award is supposed to represent:

(1) Rebecca (The Snee) from the blog, The Sometimes, Never, Eventually Express

(2) Gary, from the blog, klahanie

(3) LilPixi, from the blog, It's a Lollipop world

(4) GEM, from the blog, the modern day spinster

(5) Last but not least, Mrs. Pickle, from the blog, Pickles In My Ass

Be sure to check them out or you'll get the lash!

Now this isn't to say the rest of you have not been supportive and secretly or not so secretly wish me a slow, torturous death involving me being naked, with my nuts, honey coated and ready to be torn away by the sharp teeth of rabid rodents. Besides, I don't wash my scrotum but once every leap year. Ah Ha!

I do this to keep the rodents away and because I like the sticky, pasty feeling so much. Plus, it's for the sake of any house guests who come over every so often for my famous homemade putrid cheese dip.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

I want to thank the rest of you for your support by way of commenting on my blog while I was gone, just visiting and for all the other interactions on the Internet. You know who you are. You guys have been great. Thank you!

Don't forget to take home some of my homemade cheese dip before you leave. It's deeeeelish! But whatever you do, don't drink decaffeinated coffee.

Take care, my friends!

Saw me silly

Hey Bitches! This is Mrs. Pickle. I am back down on my knees while typing another guest post for Kelly.

So last night my husband and I were bored and surfing the web. We typed in the words “Sex toys gone wrong” and we found some great things. My favorite one though was an article we found. Allow me to explain.

Apparently some dumb Bitch who is 27 in Maryland was feeling the need to be sexually stimulated. I get it, really I do! Here is where she is different from the rest of us though. Her idea of being sexually stimulated involves a Sawzall. I know right! I was excited also when I found out!

For those of you who do not know what a Sawzall is, I included a picture. Now keep in mind this blade once plugged in goes back and forth like a jackhammer. So she probably thought she was in for a real treat.

So apparently this woman thought it would be a good idea to slide a sex toy over the Sawzall and fuck it. Because really, who doesn’t want to fuck a saw? Naturally, her masturbation session did not go as she would have hoped. And yes I would have paid money to be there and be a witness.

I would have told the doctors, “Well, she was horny! Give the woman a break okay?” The doctor would have been like “How long was she masturbating with the saw before it lacerated her vagina region?” I would have said, “ Well she was doing just fine and getting all wet, but once it got to about 7 seconds into it she started to notice this sharp pain and that is when she started screaming “ UNPLUG IT! UN PLUG THE FUCKING SAW!” I am sorry doctor, I did not unplug it as fast as she would have liked, because I had to go and grab my camera.”

The article then goes on to say that she was rushed to the hospital. The sex toy was still attached. They say she was released and is at home now recovering from being fucked by a saw her injuries.

Personally, I would love to meet this woman. If I had the choice to either see Cher naked (Because I am still not convinced she has a vagina) or to interview Mrs. Sawzall, I would have to go with the 2^nd. Because I have so many questions and I want answers damnit!

Like I said, I am Mrs. Pickle. If you like what you see come check out my blog. Picklesinmyass.blogspot.com.

A Happy Tale

If you haven't been paying attention Kelly has decided to open up his blog for some guest posting, and so here I am to add a splash of color to this little shenanigan. But before I start an introduction is in order. In case you don't know who I am my name is The Wolf........well not literally of course but that's my blog nickname or whatever the fuck they call it. My blog is called The S.N.A.F.U Report short for Situation Normal All Fucked Up a military term that I think fits my life very nicley.

Now Kelly here has some standards when it comes to his posts, they can be......well right the fuck out there which is fucking fantastic and I wouldn't have it any other way . Fortunately for you but unfortunately for me I have lived a very messed up existence in my short time on this planet. If you can conjure up in your heads something so fucked up it's hard to believe it's probably happened to me........hey at least it's never dull. So I figured what better topic to guest post about then a story from my fucked up existence. So sit back grab a soda and I shall tell you the tale of how I was almost mugged and possibly ass raped by two gay men. And no this is not bullshit this actually happened.

It was back in 2001, I was a private in the army and I had dropped off this girl a friend had set me up on for a blind date. Personally I wish I fucking knew beforehand because she was a troll, not in appearance but her attitude was fucking disgusting.....the kind that makes you want to stick someones face in a blender type of attitude. Anyways I dropped her off and was on my way back to the barracks. That's when I saw two guys standing near what looked like a broken down car. It was near midnight and being the helpful person that I am pulled up to see if the needed some help. Edmonton where I was posted pretty much shut down at 9 even on weekends and getting a tow truck would take all night.

As soon as I pulled up I had this feeling that something wasn't right, so instead of parking and turning off the engine I let it run and kept it in neutral, not sure how to describe it but I knew something was fucking shaddy about these two guys. I roll down my passenger window and asked if they needed help. They smiled and waved and walked over to me, each going on one side of my car. The guy on the drivers side the the gayest of gay lisp accents starts trying to chat me up. You know shit like how am I, how long I lived in town small talk shit like. Meanwhile his buddy on the passenger side had his hands against my mirror. My piece of shit car didn't have power windows so in order to close the window I would have had to reach over and crank the handle, and I knew if shit was going to go down this would be a bad move.

I ask them again if there car is broken down and need help trying to get fucker one (the guy on the drivers side) back on topic. Again he smiles, then he asks if I want to go with him and his friend into the gay bar for a drink. I didn't realize when I pulled in that I was in the parking lot beside one of the only gay bars in Edmonton, not that it matters to me but in redneck Alberta (Canada) it's still a fairly big deal, which is odd considering they now allow gay marriages....but that's a whole other topic.

I tell fucker one I'm not interested and have to report back to the base.........this is when shit gets interesting. While trying to get my attention with more small talk fucker number two starts to slowly move his hand inside the car towards the door handle (the doors were locked so he had to reach inside. As soon as I look the fucker in the eye, fucker one lunges for the other door while the other ass bandit reaches down to the door handle and opens the door. I punch fucker 1 in the face, slam the gear in reverse and hit the gas. Fucker 1 lets go almost immediately but his buddy is halfway inside, I also notice at this point fucker 2 has a knife.

I back out onto the street and start speeding down the road while at the same time getting my right leg over to kick this piece of shit in the face. Now if you've ever owned a 2000 Chev Cavalier like what I had this is fucking hard to do, the way the console is almost cocoons the driver and passenger........fuck I hated that car but it was cheap. I'm also by no means flexible but somehow while driving using one hand (my other hand was trying to gouge this assholes eye out with my thumb), I got my leg out and started kicking him in the face. After two or three well placed kicks to his nose he crumpled and rolled out of the car. I was going about 70 km/h at this point so when he fell out he flew into a nearby garbage can face first. I'm not sure if he was badly hurt or not, I never bothered to stop I just hit the gas and went back to the base as fast as I could.

If there's a lesson Iearned for this it's this. One don't ever fucking let your buddy who's idea of a good time is to go to the scummiest bar in town and hit on drunk desperate fat chicks. Two don't ever buy a Chev Cavalier, they don't make them anymore since about 2004 and were replaced with the Cobalt which is pretty much the same fucking car. And if you do get one of these get POWER FUCKING WINDOWS.....don't be cheap like me. And three take yoga or stretch more or something, trying to get my leg out to kick that asshole I ended up pulling my groin and it hurt for three days.

Well there you have it, my little misadventure.......and now for a video about Unicorns

Pop goes the penis!

So I offered to be a guest on this blog. I was so excited when Kelly emailed me and told me I could be his Bitch for the day. So here I am on my knees typing to you.

Today you all are going to be in for a treat. Why you ask? Well because I am going to talk about my ex boyfriend’s Penis.

So “Sam” and I dated for about 6 months. I don’t know if I stayed with him so long because I was lonely, or because he took me out to dinner a lot. It is not like we even really had that great of a connection. He was a complete nerd and was into the whole “Dungeons and Dragons” kind of shit! My idea of a fun time is not role playing that I am some kind of fucking wizard or some weird shit like that. Now if you want me to role play that I am your nurse or your whore of a French maid than sign me up!

Sam was into his looks way more than I would have liked. He took more time to get ready than I did. He was so worried about his appearance, that it became so draining to constantly reassure him. Low self esteem in a man is such a turn off! One of the things that really turned me off is when he would dye his own hair because it was going gray and he would have stained black dye marks running down his neck.

Now to the Penis part. Sam had a nice sized penis when it was hard. When hard it was about 7 inches. But when he was soft he turned into a pencil dick. I have never seen a penis so small and skinny as his was when it was soft. It didn’t help his confidence either when I would giggle every time I saw it.

Well one night Sam had called me on the phone and told me he saw an infomercial on male enhancement products. I told him “Babe, don’t worry about it, you are fine.” Well he was an idiot, and did not listen to me. He ended up buying the pills they were selling, along with a penis pump.

I think products like this are just ridicules! I sold sex products for a while and we use to sell this one gel that would make the vagina hole tighter for a couple of hours. Don’t ask me how this stuff worked all I know is that it worked like a charm. You are only supposed to use a small dot sized of the gel. I explained this to one of the ladies I sold this too. What a stupid bitch she was. She squeezed the whole tube up inside her and then called me complaining that she could not even get a finger inside herself let alone a tampon.

Well I had gone over to Sam’s house one day and he was showing me his penis pump. I told him, “You know, I wish you would not use this thing. It is kind of a turn off.” He went on telling me how he would feel better to just use it a couple of more times and then he would get rid of it. So I just let it go and figured it was between him and the pump.

Well Sam was a liar. He did not get rid of it. He got so attached to that thing! It was like crack. He could not get enough! He started to take things to a whole new level and started pumping it more than is required. I told him that I did not think doing that would be a good idea because it was starting to turn his penis a purple color. He was an idiot though and kept on with it. He put his penis in the pump once again and started pumping away about as fast as a fat girl can eat a hamburger. His penis started turning purple. It was not looking right. His head and scrotum started to turn blue. I was all “Um… you might want to stop!” He kept pumping like the fucking idiot he was. I did not know if I should keep watching or turn away. I wanted to yell out, “Stop you moron! What kind of fucking wizard are you!!” All while picturing him wearing a wizard hat of course.

All I hear is, Pump, pump, pump” I am thinking “holy shit this is not going to be good!” His penis did not look right. This tube was only so big and there was no more room for his penis to expand, and right as I am standing there thinking about all that could go wrong I hear a SNAP! The penis pump tore the tip of his penis open! It is kind of like when you put a hot dog in a microwave and it tears open. Yep that is what Sam’s dick looked like!

Of course he starts crying like a son of a bitch. What a turn off! I took that fucking pump out of his hand and threw it away. I thought” This is fucking bullshit! I am dating a loser!” I ended up leaving and going home. I don’t have time for that kind of shit on my watch!

About a year ago Sam saw me on face book and wrote me a letter. He told me how he got married and he has 5 kids now and is miserable and how he wishes things would have worked out between us. I could not help but think in the back of my mind if his new wife knows about his escapades with his penis pump or not.

The point of this story is, keep your penis away from pumps. If not, at least stop pumping when you see the color purple or blue. Or even hear a SNAP for that matter.

I hope you all enjoyed my story. If you like what you see than check out my blog @

picklesinmyass.blogspot.com

- - Love Mrs. Pickle

If You're Interested In Guest Posting....

If any of my regular fellow blogging friends are interested... I would be grateful if you would do a guest post on Psycho Carnival as I try to catch up on blog commenting on your blogs and begin turning things around for the better in my life. Just let me know here if ya can do it in the comment box here or by email or Facebook or Twitter or even mental telepathy. I know ya got it in ya.

I've already sent an invitation to one blogger who offered- Pickleope -but I'd appreciate it if anyone else wanted to fill in for a post, as well, in the meantime. I will kindly return the favor if asked in the future. Besides, I'd love to see any of your "get down n' dirty, wacky or off-the-wall or completely uncensored rants and talents" displayed here on Psycho Carnival.

There's nothing like fresh blood to spice things up, after all.*

*drool

Take care, everyone. I'm not dead yet. Still hangin' in there.

Please give me your email if I don't already have it- if you're interested. I gotta have it in order to allow you to guest post. Thanks, freaks!