Hawaiian Adventure: Entertainment, Excursion and Examples of Bad Behavior

If you wish to read the first installment of this series, regarding our trip to Hawaii, click here.  If you wish to read the second installment, click here.  If you've already read both of them, you are a good citizen, worthy of food and drink and mild entertainment.  If you didn't read either, I'm sorry but you'll be going to hell, where you'll be stabbed, repeatedly, in the genitals.  Good day!

There was plenty of entertainment aboard our cruise ship, Pride of America.  I think, on this cruise ship/island adventure, compared to our other one, two years ago, we saw more stage shows.  I enjoyed them, honestly, except for the fact that my wife, who I dearly love, insisted that we sit in either the first or second rows of the theater to "get a better view."

Now the problem with sitting in the first couple of rows during these stage shows is that you are risking getting picked out to participate in some of the entertainment provided.  You could find yourself involved, such as I witnessed of other passengers, in part of a comedian's act where he or she makes you look like an endearing dumbass, of sorts, or you could get almost literally pulled in, off your seat, by some muscular male Hawaiian dancers to dance with them or the Hula girls, on the stage, in front of hundreds of strangers who were delighted and relieved to be sitting away from the front of the stage.  Being a shy and modest guy, I didn't want to participate and at almost every show, there would always be a performer wanting me to participate.  I would always wave them away or kick the air towards them, saying "NO!  NO!  NO!", but they would persist.  I guess I just looked like that type of guy who would be great living material for their act.  A natural fool who would cause the audience to laugh until they pissed themselves silly.

Notice that they are sticking their tongues out.  One of the narrators and dancers said this was the way ancient Hawaiian warriors greeted and welcomed each other back in those ancient days.  Either this is true or they're just showing contempt for the U.S. for taking over their land.  Nahhhhh. 

Holy buhjesus!  I do enough crazy stuff in front of friends at parties when I'm drunk enough.

Gratefully, they would take the hint, after several attempts to get me on the stage and coerce some other poor bastard to "join in the fun."  Hell, I came to be entertained, after all, goddammit.  Not be part of the entertainment.

The food on board the ship was pretty good at the buffet.  Some of it, however, was a weird mix of cultural food dishes.  I think they were sort of trying to please everyone that came from different countries around the world.  That meant you would see a Chinese/American/Russian combination or something else that was bizarre that you could stare at for hours and never quite make out what was in it, exactly.   We often went to the Aloha Cafe, which was a buffet where you could eat and eat until you puked- which I did- but it wasn't because I ate too much.  I'll explain:  When I eat too fast or I don't chew everything down into itsy bitsy molecules, I tend to easily get food stuck down my throat.  And then, embarrassingly enough in restaurants, my breathing ability ceases and my face turns blueish and I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom so I can stick my fingers down my throat to get the food out.  And no, more to drink to get the food down never works for me.  Believe me!  I've tried thousands of times.

In any case, one morning while we were eating breakfast at the buffet, I'm trying to quickly eat an omelet, to widen my throat a bit, in order to swallow my six different medications I take every morning.  Unfortunately, a chunk of ham gets caught in my throat.  My wife is away from the table, up at the buffet, somewhere.  Of course, I start my ol' "I can't fucking breathe" routine and I try to make it to the bathroom on this huge ship.  Remember: I'm halfway crippled because of the problems with my feet.  So, there I go, hobbling and desperately trying to make it to the bathroom with food kinda going up and the back down my throat while I sweat, profusely and turn blue.  When I finally make it to the bathroom, I find that it's locked and occupied and then I suddenly vomit, right on the spot.  I violently puke with my hands over my mouth, trying to keep the vomit from going to where it ended up- on the carpeted floor, in front of the bathroom.  Hooray!  Here's a picture.  Luckily, my camera was in my pocket.

Sadly, you cannot see any chunks of ham from my omelet.  Congrats to me for actually digesting some part of my breakfast.  Man, look at all the halfway digested eggs and cheese!

  

I wonder if that piggy is still alive or maybe just resting comfortably with an apple in his mouth.

We went to a luau on the island of Kuaui and that was entertaining.  Free booze, a train ride through the old sugar plantations, native Hawaiians making stuff to sell to tourists, Hula and fire dancers, lots of stage performances and an all you can eat buffet.  Check out the video, below.



I had five margaritas that night (they would make any kind of mixed drink you wanted) and my arm was getting kinda tired so you'll have to forgive the "shakiness" of the camera. This video is kinda long but it's entertaining.  The entire stage show was really long and absorbing, truthfully.  Very entertaining.  Especially when one of the fire dancers dropped his fire sticks a couple of times, which you'll get to see on this video.  I was hoping one of the guests would go up in flames but I don't think it happened.  I only captured the last eight minutes of the performance on camera. You may want to "full screen" the video to get a decent view.  Maybe not.  They are doing a play or story about a couple, in ancient Hawaiian days, who want to get hitched, so to speak, but the chieftain father of the bride to be doesn't want it to happen.  The end to this play/performance really made me believe I had ingested some magic mushrooms off the buffet, by mistake.

Hawaiian  artist dude carving out a wooden fish of some sorts.  I didn't bother him.  I was afraid he might use that pointy thing on my leg or nutsack.

We went to a lot of shops on all five of the islands we explored and bought a lot of souvenirs for friends, family and ourselves, of course.  I bought a tiki, for example, made out of milo wood, that represented a god that gave you strength, guidance and family protection.  I bought it and talked to the local artist and shop owners, most of which were native Hawaiians and they were very friendly.  We talked a lot about their crafts and the history of Hawaii.

I talked to the owner and artist of this gallery and shop on the island of Kona.  She wasn't a native Hawaiian but she was interesting and incredibly talented.  You can see more of her artwork below.

This is where I bought my tiki.

This is the wife and I, standing in front of a hundred year old tree, in Kona square.

Every day, the maids would come into your cabin, while you were gone and make different animals, just like the previous cruise ship we were on, Freedom of the Seas.  These animals, which to me, were works of art and made completely out of towels.  One day, you would see a lobster on your bed, the next day, perhaps a dog or a swan and so on.  Below, you'll see me celebrating the fine work these maids do in creating these masterpieces.

Humping a towel bunny and holding onto it's ears so it can't get away.  I think I "orgasmed."  Is that a word?

This is the Na Pali coast.  It is truly beautiful and has a mystical quality to it's landscape.  Beneath the picture, you'll find a video of our ship, passing by it.  There was a lot of wind that day- so you'll hear a lot of that.  This video is pretty short, too.

This is one of the last big events we experienced on our week long cruise.

We had a long layover at the Honolulu airport at the end of our Hawaiian experience.  This really didn't bother me.  They had plenty of things to look at, such as displays that contained Hawaiian history, various paintings, cool shops and more.  Naturally, I explored.

We had a great time during our Hawaiian adventure.  I hope you enjoyed this last installment of the series.  Aloha and mahalo, everyone!

Adventures While Camping at The Gorge (Part Three)

For PART ONE and PART TWO of this series, click the links.

As I've mentioned before, there are some rough trails at Red River Gorge. No doubt about it. Take this photo, for instance. It shows a typical example of what a challenging trail would be like.

See the tree roots halfway embedded in the ground? Those are great fun to trip over when you're exhausted or half drunk or both.

We ate pretty good during our camping trip at The Gorge. Steve cooked most of the food while I watched him do it. He was my cook bitch. But don't tell him I said that. On this night we had grilled deer steak. And no, those aren't maggots on the meat in the picture below. They're some kind of spice/seeds that I can't think of the name of, at the moment. My friend wanted to use this on the meat to tame a little of the gamey flavor that deer tends to have.

It didn't matter to me. I can eat venison in any shape or form, with spices or without. I'm a true carnivore, damn it! If I'm hungry enough, I'll eat the balls off a bison as he's taking a leak. Wait! Not while he's pissing! I'll wait til he's fast asleep and then I'll chow down on his gamey jewels. He shouldn't wake up. Nah!

Speaking of balls, have you ever tried Rocky Mountain Oysters? Yum is the word.

We would take a breather, every so often along the trails and rest our poor saggy old asses on the natural rock formations, enjoying the inviting beauty and calm of Mother Nature. I really needed to go on this camping trip last September. I was going through some emotional calamity involving my father or wife during this time (I forget what it was, exactly) and this experience helped to bring peace and perspective to my life. It was terrific therapy for yours truly. Plus, it was crazy fun.

During the course of our adventures at The Gorge, we imbibed in adult beverages. Hard to believe, eh? In the following picture, you'll see that I am exploring my creative side by producing a talk show I put together with stuff I found on the forest ground. Enjoy, won't you?

Further exploring both our creative sides, we go to the amphitheater to put on short skits and musicals for one another while completely fucked up. I have videos of our creative masterpieces and I must say... they're really quite embarrassing- even by my standards. Luckily, no one was around and the amphitheater is pretty well hidden in the forest.

All in all, we had a fun, relaxing and invigorating time at The Gorge. If you really ever want to truly get away from the noise of the city or craziness in your life, I would suggest going here or a rustic and primitive locale similar to this. It's like a gift for your mind and spirit and it does wonders for your emotional well being. I know it does for me.

And now our journey ends. I hope you enjoyed the jaunty tour and I hope you're able to get away from it all, someday and experience the wonders of nature in all of it's uplifting glory.

Later, dudes and dudettes.

Adventures While Camping at The Gorge (Part One)

During the last week of September, I took off with my friend, Steve and went to Red River Gorge, which is located in east-central Kentucky in the Daniel Boone National Forest. We spent a week, there, thoroughly enjoying the quiet and serenity.

There are more than 100 natural sandstone arches and bridges in this canyon system full of waterfalls and rock cliffs. The beautiful wild flowers, mountains and valleys and unique plants only to this area can take your breath away and fill you with a force that is powerful and peaceful.

Many come to this place for the ultimate in relaxation therapy which entails nothing more than walking about the land, hiking the multitude of easy and challenging trails while taking in the inspiring sights of a full blue sky, a strong river and an endless sea of flora.

Our first day there wasn't awful. It was inconvenient. It rained before we got there and four more hours after we arrived.

Luckily, an insane man happened our way, at Koomer Ridge Campground, that sits inside The Gorge area. We were looking for a spot to pitch our tents. The dude had a scraggly beard on his narrow, well worn, leathery face and he more than slightly reminded me of Charles Manson.

The guy drove a small white truck that appeared as though somebody cruelly chopped it's ass off with a skyscraper-sized butcher knife. Hard thing to describe- this truck. A definite fail on the design. I took a picture of it at one point during the trip. Here ya go-

See that poor white thing in the middle of the picture with it's ass cut off? Yeah, that's it. It's not me I was talking about. Although some have said I am lacking in the ass department while there are others that just rave about my beautiful ass. Must be the curly auburn hair and two little dimples that are scattered about the landscape of my bottom. Oops. Just farted. Oh, and the delicate aromas wafting outwards, so I've heard, have been voted for the People's Choice Award.

No applause, please.

The guy pulled up alongside our brown pickup truck and made it look like we were riding in Mechagodzilla, our first day there.

Fortunately, their chaperon didn't interfere.

While the rain poured and "Charles Manson" spoke, we couldn't help but notice there were six tall white buckets, in the back of his "truck" that had flames rising up around 6 inches from the top of the buckets. On closer inspection, looking down and to the right, we saw that he was carrying burning wood in those buckets that were only inches away behind his seat.

We said to him, breaking into his rambling, almost in unison, "Did you know you're on fire?"

He nodded, casually and then said, "Oh yeahhhh, that's just the firewood I picked up and put in my arms in a bundle from a few camp sites down the road here. Then I put 'em into the buckets."

We were still looking at him in confusion for 3 reasons. One, it's pouring down rain like a mothertrucker and the wood is going to be thoroughly soaked, extinguishing the flames in a short period of time. Two, YOU PICKED UP FLAME-ENGULFED LOGS? And three, why would you put them in plastic buckets in the very near vicinity of the back of your small freakish truck? Ah, I can't forget the fourth one... Wouldn't it have been less difficult to completely put out the firewood before grabbing onto it?

As if in response to our confusion, he told us he was the campground host. I knew what that meant but it didn't really explain things. His job, as campground host, is to look after and clean up the campground facilities and answer questions people might have about the overlooks and scenic points at Red River Gorge and assist us in any directions and rules, pertaining to the Koomer Ridge campground.

We chuckled nervously and let the thing about the fire pass. It was his business whether he carried fire in plastic buckets in the back of his short shitty truck. I just wanted to move along, in case there was an explosion. We asked him where was the best double occupancy campsite that would enable both of us to put our tents on. The grizzled host told us what we wanted to know and we rushed away and not until we were far enough down the road, did we laugh at his expense. The guy actually seemed friendly enough and not once did he sneak into our camp site and cut off my head. So for that, I say he's A-Okay and a cracker jack of a gentleman.

Yes, indeed.

We went to the Hemlock Lodge, later, relaxing and drinking coffee, looking out the large glass windows as the rain continued pouring. We couldn't set up camp yet. It was both soothing and invigorating as we sat there at the lodge, hearing the drops hit the roof, crawl down the glass. We saw the lake below, the tall oaks and maples. Pure nirvana.

The pounding rain eventually dwindled into a drizzle and then a sprinkle. We headed off to our camp site and by the time we got there, the rain had stopped and we were able to set up camp. And we had a lot of stuff to unpack, too. Gas stove, utensils, flashlights, our meds, my insulin, backpacks, suitcases full of clothes, boxes of food, chairs, adult beverages (which aren't allowed) and who knows what.

Really. I can't tell you what else we had because I was inebriated or something about half the time we were down there. Nature, adult beverages, good talks and great walks throughout our time at The Gorge all swirled together like a fantastical realm of perfect balance and color-infused harmony.

Yeah, baby. Can ya dig it?

Here's our camp site, above and a few other charming pictures, below, taken during our adventures. Yes, that is me, pinching my frozen nips one morning. Oh, what a glorious time I had. :) I know you want to insert your own sick jokes here. And by sick jokes, I mean your dicks.

You sick freaks!

Just kidding, lady bloggers out there. I know you aren't hermaphrodites. Well, I guess not. Just going by the times I window-peeped on ya.

If you want to see more pics of my camping trip at Red River Gorge, I've got a photo album on Facebook that has 216 photos in it. If you have friended me, already, feel free to look at them. Quite a few are wallpaper worthy. If you haven't friended me, or don't do the Farcebook thing, well, what are you waiting for? I mean... Good Golly and Holy Buh-Jeezus! As long as I feel I can trust you somewhat to not rape, rob and sodomize me with a tractor mower, I will accept your friend invitation. I'm easy.

Stay tuned for Part Two of my Adventures While Camping at The Gorge, coming up tomorrow.

Winning The "I Love This Blog Award"

After having an up and own, roller coaster kind of week, I was happy to find out I won the I LOVE This Blog Award from The Minute Man's Wife late last night. It's just what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, my wife had to have an ultrasound and other tests done to see if she had blood clots in her legs and other health risks. I had been worried about test results this past week and when I found out she didn't have blood clots, I felt better. A big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. There are still other health problems that she has- but they would take too long to describe here. I hope these other things, regarding her health, will be resolved in the near future. I don't see any reason why they won't. With the new medication she is on, for the other problems, she says she is feeling better already.

In gratitude of this award from Minute Man's Wife, I'm going to put aside the topic I was going to discuss today. Although she's a relative newcomer to this blog, I've grown to appreciate her funny and heartfelt comments. Do yourself a favor and go to this woman's blog. It's excellent. Her writing is sharp and really draws you in. She's funny, serious, wise and completely honest with how she feels and she tells it like it is. My kind of blogger. Check out The Minute Man's Wife.

The rules with this award say I gotta share 10 things. Just like TMMW, I wasn't sure what this meant either. lol. Could be ten scabs of dead skin. Or ten wascally wabbits- but I don't have any. Could be ten words of wisdom but I think I've blown my sloppy wisdom all over the place in Friday's post. Still cleaning up from that nasty episode.

Now, if I were a bettin' man, I'd hazard to guess they were talking about sharing some personal facts about yourself when they thought of the "ten things" rule. Luckily enough for all of you, I just happen to have ten exciting, knowledge-you-couldn't-live-without type of facts about myself that I've kept hidden underneath the bed- just in case of a rainy day.

Prepare to be WOWED.

#1- I sleep, totally naked, on my belly, because that's the only position I can sleep in. Please be considerate and do not fuck me in the ass. And please, whatever you do, kindly refrain from putting refried bean paste in my bare, hairy ass crack and using this as a reservoir for nacho chip dipping.

#2- The way I like my eggs: scrambled.

#3- This occurred in my very wild twenties: Instead of a mistletoe hanging from the living room doorway at my Christmas party, I hung up a big dildo I had bought earlier that week. To my amusement, people still kissed under it, drunk and not giving a shit what was hanging over their heads. By the time I woke up, half dead from partying, in the morning, it wasn't hanging up over the doorway any longer. It was on the floor, in the corner of one of my bedrooms- sticky, dirty and covered with pubic hair. No one I asked could or would tell me anything about it. To this day, it's still a mystery. I guess it wasn't used on the cat. It was still alive at the time.

#4- I'm a Libra in the wheel of astrological signs. A Rabbit in the Chinese zodiac, for what it's worth.

#5- I love these books and many more: Earth (The book) by Jon Stewart and The Daily Show writers, K-Pax by Gene Brewer, Lost Horizon by James Hilton, The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist, Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions and Clive Barker's Books of Blood series. I'd be here all night if I listed all of the books I've read and loved. :)

#6- I'm currently listening to The Trouble With Angels (double CD set) by Filter.

#7- I would like to go back to Arizona for a third time and walk on The Grand Canyon Skywalk. It hadn't been built yet when I went to the Grand Canyon the first two times. I wonder if they would let me pee over the side.

#8- My shoe size is nine or nine and a half, depending on the make or brand of the footwear. Fascinated? Come on... admit it... you are. :)

#9- Halloween costumes worn in the past: A Jinn, a Rastafarian, a woman, a priest with his pecker hangin' out (a big plastic dick was used instead of my real penis. I thought it might be less scary), a ghost, The Batman, a zombie/cowboy and a gynecologist.

#10- I need a new computer. Buy me one!

The Minute Man's Wife passed this award on to three blogger recipients. I'm being a stingy bastard this time, when it comes to handing out awards and I'm going to give it to only one of my new favorites, Bar Science, an excellent booze blog by the blog author, G. It has a lot of interesting facts about all things boozy, travel stories and videos that offer handy tips on this, that and the other. Mostly, booze, though. Great writing can be found here, my friends. Very much worth checking out.

Again, the blog is Bar Science. Get over there, pronto and drink one or two or ten for me.

Well folks, that's all I got for now. I'm barely slipping this post in under my self-imposed deadline. Take care, everyone and don't do anything I wouldn't do! tee hee

Ruining A Viagra Moment

Well, Happy St. Patrick's Day and all that rot. Have you heard and seen enough green beer and leprechaun jokes to make you want to vomit green clovers and Lucky Charms? Is so, you're in "luck" and oh so fortunate to have stopped by here because I'll have a few Viagra jokes for ya later in this fine, upstanding post to substitute for all the St. Patty's Day jokes you'll be bombarded with today. I mean, gee, there's not many Viagra jokes circulating around, right? ;-)

Tingling or hard with anticipation? You bet you are.

Over the past weekend, my wife, friend and I went to Clifty Falls State Park in Madison, Indiana. It's a beautiful park with waterfalls, an interesting lodge with plenty of history and trails that vary from being short or relaxing to long or rugged for travel.

Above, is one of the waterfalls close to The Overlook. I have more pictures I took of Clifty Falls on my other, somewhat gentler blog, Pics For Kicks, if you to want to see more.

At one point during our travels in the 1,416 acres worth of park, we stopped at one of the scenic areas, got out of the car and walked next to an curious looking rock wall to look out and see another spectacular view the park had to offer. Behind us, above where we stood, on a large concrete base, was an excellent shelter to stand beneath. In this wooden shelter, was an elderly couple, holding hands.

Below, is a picture of the scenic point and the old couple in the shelter.

A couple times, while standing next to the wall, I looked back and observed how the man and wife gazed into each other's eyes and whispered words to each other that were obviously loving, in nature. I could tell they loved each other very much. It seemed to be a very romantic moment for them. When the older, white haired man kissed his wife, I couldn't help but to smile and hope that my wife and I still felt that way about each other when we reached their age.

During this instant of enchanting romance, my wife let an enormous, rich, bubbly fart erupt from her anus, audibly causing her butt cheeks to flap against each other. The aroma was so foul, it corrupted the air for miles all around us. I dared not look behind me at the old couple. I don't think I could have if I had desired, anyway. My eyes were burning... Really!

Throughout the coughing and wheezing, I wondered if the elder gentleman had went to the trouble to have taken the magical blue boner pill, Viagra, to ensure that his romantic moments in the park would lead to a successful sexual interaction at the lodge nearby. If so, I believe his Viagra moment was ruined. My wife was beginning to titter when I heard somebody clear their throat. Perhaps their throat was being singed with the acrid air or the victim was trying their best not to violently retch. Of this, I'm not sure.

Viagra, if you don't know already, has been attributed in the past and present to enhance the magical sexual abilities of a man. Magic acts in Las Vegas have entire shows centered around this phenomena.

When I looked back at my wife, after she cut loose her awesome anal cloud of death, she was blushing, slightly, with her cheeks (probably both of face and ass) glowing red. She may have seemed embarrassed but I knew better. She can be evil, at times, wishing to take the cherished, loving moments of an elderly couple, going toward the end of their years of life and flinging them into the pooper, so to speak. I'm afraid I've corrupted her, too well, over our two decades of marriage.

My friend, my wife and I, all three, unceremoniously turned around to walk back to the car. My friend said, when he briefly dared to look, that he noticed the old woman was crinkling her nose and wincing a bit. Likely from pain. My friend said he didn't want to glance at the old gentleman.

Meanwhile, as I walked back to the car, I was attempting to not burst from laughter but I quickly proved unsuccessful in the endeavor. As I chortled, uncontrollably, my friend was trying to keep himself from laughing, as well. My wife, on the other hand, God bless her, laughed out loud and proud.

Once upon a time, long ago, she was my innocent-of-heart student of depravity, delightful cruelty towards others and rude behavior. Now... a teacher. I can't help but to feel a little blessed and yes, a little shit-covered, too, my dear friends.

On the way home, after laughing and speculating on the thoughts and welfare of the charming elderly couple in the park, my friend reminded me of my own delightful incident that we had during our morning breakfast at Bob Evans restaurant. Before the three of us had taken off towards Clifty Falls, we were enjoying a scrumptious morning meal at one of our best local eating establishments. Pleasant conversation and delicious, fresh brewed coffee accompanied our meal and all was going well until the old people sat behind us.

The gray-haired group were talking loudly to each other, unable to hear clearly what each member of the group were saying to each other over the clatter of noise from the busy restaurant. My back was to them and I was slightly irritated by their loudness and the fact that one of them had their chair too close to the back of my own. Finally, I cut a boisterous fart of such high intensity, the elderly folks immediately dropped their eating utensils on their plates and left their table.

Serves them right for being so rude with their raised voices, oldness and stuff.

My friend, who was facing their direction at the time, said, "I thought they were going to hurt each other trying to escape." I silently wondered if one them had broken a hip before I went back to enjoying my delicious Western omelette of eggs, melted cheese, bell peppers and sausage with a side order of hash browns. I couldn't be bothered with such distracting thoughts with a breakfast like that sitting before me.

My friend joined my wife and I in a gale of nervous laughter as they left. It was a good start to the day.

Later on that night, before turning into bed, I did ponder what happened with the old married couple after we left the park. Was their romantic interlude completely shattered for the rest of the day? Did they commence lovemaking after all? Did the old fella decide to take another blue pill in order to get his boner back and pork the wife?

Laugh Out Loud Award

Although I've received this fantastic and ego inflating award once before, I am nevertheless extremely grateful to the incredibly humorous and clever blogger, LilPixi, who has bestowed it upon me this time. I consider myself fortunate to have discovered this genuinely talented blogger. LilPixi jam packs her blog, It's a Lollipop World, with the craziest, funniest writing you'll ever come across. Take a gander inside her maniacal mind and check her out.

Late last week, I found out I was given this award and it really made my head swell even bigger than it already is, if that's possible. My head is the exact size and shape as a hot air balloon. All you would have to do is tie a goddamn basket to my ass and off we'll go, up up and away.

You know, no matter how many times you've received a certain award for anything in life, the award should always be taken as a badge or symbol of appreciation and high regard for whatever that person is being awarded for. Unless the award is for running over people who take their time crossing a parking lot at a supermarket. I don't think you should take delight in driving over some slow fuck who is staring directly at you, daring you to make a move, while he or she deliberately inches across the pavement like an lumbering elephant with a sagging uterus.

Eh, I'm just kidding. Go ahead and crush their obnoxious asses into a peanut-buttery paste. But don't say I encouraged you. If you should attribute your perfectly acceptable act of violence toward me, please use my other name, MasterHeathen, as the genius in your head that told you to slowly crush the defiant pedestrian beneath your wheels. Sure, they might look at you funny, but hey, at least I'll avoid being sued or held accountable in any way. And surely, isn't that what's really important in all this?

In accepting this award, there a few rules you are supposed to follow.

The Rules

1. Link to the person who gave you this award (in a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this).
2. Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them (by emailing them or commenting on a post, etc.).
3. Say seven things about yourself that no one knows (or at least you think no one knows).
4. Pass these rules on.

As usual, I will do my own thing and follow some rules but not others. For instance you are supposed to list 7 little known facts about yourself. This, I am more than happy to do because I enjoy talking about my modest and humble self. Linking to the person who gave the award is something I'm more than happy to do, especially since it's LilPixi we're talking about here. As for passing it along, I'm just going to say this... If you're on my blogroll, you should automatically assume that I think you deserve this award (I only put people on my blogroll who I believe are humorous) and you should take it, if you care to, and place it on your own blog and follow the rules or not.

And without further ado, here are the 7 magical, awe-inspiring things that you may or may not know about sweet lil' ol' me:

(prepare to be astounded)

#1- My favorite color is teal.

#2- I've been in the following locations: Florida, Texas, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Wyoming, Iowa, Washington, D.C., West Virginia, South Dakota, Michigan, Grand Cayman Islands, The Bahamas and Cozumel, Mexico.

#3- Where I'd like to visit, in no particular order: California, Canada, Italy, Greece, Hawaii, Australia (when there isn't an impending category 5 cyclone creating chaos there) and the Western Caribbean Islands we weren't able to visit during our cruise in August last year.

#4- When I was a kid, I made believe that the Hot Wheels cars I played with were alive. I even gave them names, such as, The Captain, The Major, Christine, the secretary, Sergeant and the royal guards. There were more character names but I can't think of them at the moment.

I might also add that even when I was a kid, I would employ and move these cars about so that they would drive over little human figurines. So I guess I was a little warped even back then. Tee hee.

#5- I love seafood.

#6- I like ketchup but I don't care for tomatoes. I like potatoes but I don't care for guacamole. Coincidence? Why, I'm not sure but I feel these facts should be taken into deep consideration and then ignored for a bit before going to bed and having a strange dream that causes you to awaken and wonder just what the fuck is going on here.

Which brings me to...

#7- I had a strange dream last night where I was taken somewhere to have my elbow pushed and rolled over an ink pad, as if I were being fingerprinted (only on the elbow, instead) for a possible crime (perhaps vehicular homicide?). After the uniformed person rolled my elbow across the ink pad, they took me into custody. Soon afterwards, I found myself at my parents' old house and I heard a strange sounding doorbell. The doorbell sounded like a wind chime.

Everyone rushed to the front door and seemed excited. The front door was opened and before me was an old friend, dragging one foot across the snow covered lawn, holding a tiny Christmas tree. I ran up to him to take the tree and I saw that it was lit up with little lights. One of the little lights dropped into the snow and in the moment that followed, the light grew in size to become a spaceship. With much enthusiasm, everyone encouraged me to climb aboard the spacecraft and so I did.

That's when I woke up, rubbed the eye snot from my eyes and struggled to make my way into the kitchen. Before I could make it to the counter to make myself a pot of coffee, I looked outside to see my wind chimes blowing in a sudden gust of wind. Then I thought about the dream again.

Yes, these are my wind chimes on my balcony. And yes, this is the end of my post. Kind of anti-climatic, I know, but somehow, some way, I'll get over it. :)