Ruining A Viagra Moment

Well, Happy St. Patrick's Day and all that rot. Have you heard and seen enough green beer and leprechaun jokes to make you want to vomit green clovers and Lucky Charms? Is so, you're in "luck" and oh so fortunate to have stopped by here because I'll have a few Viagra jokes for ya later in this fine, upstanding post to substitute for all the St. Patty's Day jokes you'll be bombarded with today. I mean, gee, there's not many Viagra jokes circulating around, right? ;-)

Tingling or hard with anticipation? You bet you are.

Over the past weekend, my wife, friend and I went to Clifty Falls State Park in Madison, Indiana. It's a beautiful park with waterfalls, an interesting lodge with plenty of history and trails that vary from being short or relaxing to long or rugged for travel.

Above, is one of the waterfalls close to The Overlook. I have more pictures I took of Clifty Falls on my other, somewhat gentler blog, Pics For Kicks, if you to want to see more.

At one point during our travels in the 1,416 acres worth of park, we stopped at one of the scenic areas, got out of the car and walked next to an curious looking rock wall to look out and see another spectacular view the park had to offer. Behind us, above where we stood, on a large concrete base, was an excellent shelter to stand beneath. In this wooden shelter, was an elderly couple, holding hands.

Below, is a picture of the scenic point and the old couple in the shelter.

A couple times, while standing next to the wall, I looked back and observed how the man and wife gazed into each other's eyes and whispered words to each other that were obviously loving, in nature. I could tell they loved each other very much. It seemed to be a very romantic moment for them. When the older, white haired man kissed his wife, I couldn't help but to smile and hope that my wife and I still felt that way about each other when we reached their age.

During this instant of enchanting romance, my wife let an enormous, rich, bubbly fart erupt from her anus, audibly causing her butt cheeks to flap against each other. The aroma was so foul, it corrupted the air for miles all around us. I dared not look behind me at the old couple. I don't think I could have if I had desired, anyway. My eyes were burning... Really!

Throughout the coughing and wheezing, I wondered if the elder gentleman had went to the trouble to have taken the magical blue boner pill, Viagra, to ensure that his romantic moments in the park would lead to a successful sexual interaction at the lodge nearby. If so, I believe his Viagra moment was ruined. My wife was beginning to titter when I heard somebody clear their throat. Perhaps their throat was being singed with the acrid air or the victim was trying their best not to violently retch. Of this, I'm not sure.

Viagra, if you don't know already, has been attributed in the past and present to enhance the magical sexual abilities of a man. Magic acts in Las Vegas have entire shows centered around this phenomena.

When I looked back at my wife, after she cut loose her awesome anal cloud of death, she was blushing, slightly, with her cheeks (probably both of face and ass) glowing red. She may have seemed embarrassed but I knew better. She can be evil, at times, wishing to take the cherished, loving moments of an elderly couple, going toward the end of their years of life and flinging them into the pooper, so to speak. I'm afraid I've corrupted her, too well, over our two decades of marriage.

My friend, my wife and I, all three, unceremoniously turned around to walk back to the car. My friend said, when he briefly dared to look, that he noticed the old woman was crinkling her nose and wincing a bit. Likely from pain. My friend said he didn't want to glance at the old gentleman.

Meanwhile, as I walked back to the car, I was attempting to not burst from laughter but I quickly proved unsuccessful in the endeavor. As I chortled, uncontrollably, my friend was trying to keep himself from laughing, as well. My wife, on the other hand, God bless her, laughed out loud and proud.

Once upon a time, long ago, she was my innocent-of-heart student of depravity, delightful cruelty towards others and rude behavior. Now... a teacher. I can't help but to feel a little blessed and yes, a little shit-covered, too, my dear friends.

On the way home, after laughing and speculating on the thoughts and welfare of the charming elderly couple in the park, my friend reminded me of my own delightful incident that we had during our morning breakfast at Bob Evans restaurant. Before the three of us had taken off towards Clifty Falls, we were enjoying a scrumptious morning meal at one of our best local eating establishments. Pleasant conversation and delicious, fresh brewed coffee accompanied our meal and all was going well until the old people sat behind us.

The gray-haired group were talking loudly to each other, unable to hear clearly what each member of the group were saying to each other over the clatter of noise from the busy restaurant. My back was to them and I was slightly irritated by their loudness and the fact that one of them had their chair too close to the back of my own. Finally, I cut a boisterous fart of such high intensity, the elderly folks immediately dropped their eating utensils on their plates and left their table.

Serves them right for being so rude with their raised voices, oldness and stuff.

My friend, who was facing their direction at the time, said, "I thought they were going to hurt each other trying to escape." I silently wondered if one them had broken a hip before I went back to enjoying my delicious Western omelette of eggs, melted cheese, bell peppers and sausage with a side order of hash browns. I couldn't be bothered with such distracting thoughts with a breakfast like that sitting before me.

My friend joined my wife and I in a gale of nervous laughter as they left. It was a good start to the day.

Later on that night, before turning into bed, I did ponder what happened with the old married couple after we left the park. Was their romantic interlude completely shattered for the rest of the day? Did they commence lovemaking after all? Did the old fella decide to take another blue pill in order to get his boner back and pork the wife?

Toadie in "The Christmas Trip" (Part 1)

Despite Rufus and Maggie's objection to Toadie leaving their mansion in Chicago, Toadie ventured out on a trip across the country during the Christmas season to take in the sights of all the decorated houses and winter festivals across America.

Rufus and Maggie, worried for their semi-retarded friend's safety, were at least able to convince Toadie that he should be escorted during his month long adventure. Maggie persuaded her younger cousin, Valerie, to escort and drive the 33 year old mentally impaired man wherever he wanted to go. At first, Valerie balked at the suggestion due to college priorities. Of course, it didn't take much persuasion from Rufus and Maggie since they had only recently become millionaires due to a huge inheritance and were able to offer Val a substantial amount of money for the task.

Fifty thousand dollars for playing a taxi driver for an imbecile wouldn't be a bad deal, she thought. Besides, the college freshman felt she badly needed a break from school. Val was feeling burned out.

A week into the trip, Valerie began to understand Toadie and realize, with in-depth discussions with him, that he wasn't as mindless as some assumed him to be. She could tell that he was just one of those type of people that you had to really talk to, on a one-to-one basis, for a certain amount of time, in order to get what he was honestly all about.

One night, on the way to Birmingham, Alabama, Valeria turned to Toadie and asked, "Well, are you ready to check in at a hotel?"

Toadie, staring straight ahead at the festively decorated lampposts along the street, replied, "Toadie farted." This was followed by a string of saliva dripping from his bottom lip.

Valerie countered, "Yes, Toadie, I know. I could smell it ten minutes ago and I still can."

Toadie wiped the spittle from his mouth and then said, "The smell makes Toadie hungry for the big bowl of chili Toadie ate this afternoon."

Valerie laughed and then said, "Well, it makes me want to puke my chili up on this dashboard."

Both travelers laughed together then, in effect, causing Toadie's penis to become erect, which happened quite often when he laughed. This odd reaction to laughter would sometimes make for awkward scenes at a Chicago grocery store that Maggie would sometimes take Toadie to, in the past.

Whenever Toadie would see someone or hear something he thought humorous, he would chuckle heartily and eventually sport a 14 inch raging boner which would often times peek out from the top of his sweatpants. Maggie would see his meaty manhood sticking out and tell him to think of something sad to deflate the size of his erection.

Normally, when these events occurred, at least one store patron would invariably see his lengthy piss weasel, stop dead in their tracks and point at Toadie's prick. Some people laughed. Some shrugged. One patron actually screamed and had a massive stroke. Her name was Mabel Strausfurg and she had just celebrated her 70th birthday the day before. When the elderly woman collapsed to the floor, Toadie was shocked and began to sob, uncontrollably.

Customers looked down at the woman breathing her last few breaths on the floor, but instead of running to get help or call for an ambulance, they stood around the old woman and twittered and private messaged their friends and relatives.

Several customers took pictures with their camera phones and other electronic gadgets.

One twenty-ish something year old girl texted this message:

Old biddy just up on dropped on the floor. lol. Most excitement I've had all day.

The bored reactions of the customers vaguely reminded Maggie of the true incident in which Bill Nye, "The Science Guy", collapsed onto the floor before reaching the podium at a college University in California. Everyone in the audience, made up of mostly college students, texted and tweeted what had just happened instead of attempting, in any degree, to help Nye.

Maggie immediately took out her cell phone and called the 911 emergency number before rushing off to alert store management. Quickly, before leaving, she turned to Toadie and said, "Put that thing away before you kill anyone else."

This made Toadie even sadder, feeling immeasurable guilt and as was often the case when he was feeling blue, Toadie would comfort himself by masturbating. This time proved to be yet another such occasion. While being so overwhelmed by emotion that he let out a long sorrowful wail, Toadie abruptly pulled down his sweatpants and urgently wanked his willy .

Toadie exclaimed, suddenly, "Toadie sad!"

With his fat, clenched fist, Toadie began pumping up on down on his love muscle until jets of plentiful semen gushed out, hitting the seemingly bored customers' faces while they tweeted. Not fazed by this in the least, a few crowd members decided to sit down on top of the dying woman and continued to text and twitter. Some of them, in fact, tweeted that they thought there could be a leak in the store ceiling.

This is the actual tweet that one of them typed out:

I think there's something leaking from the ceiling here. Something just hit the top of my head or went in my face. Whatever.

Valerie and Toadie pulled into a snow filled hotel parking lot. The area was enduring subfreezing temperatures for the last several weeks, not allowing for the snow to melt anywhere in the city. Because of this, many of the citizenry in Birmingham were angry and frustrated and took it out on each other and city property in bizarre and vicious ways. One such citizen committed the outrageous act of burning down the city's 35 foot tall Christmas tree for it's measly amount of copper. At least, that was his excuse for burning down the tree.

It seemed, during these times, people were declaring war on Christmas trees. For instance, in Germany, the police arrested a man for making a huge six foot marijuana plant his very own Christmas tree. Justification for his arrest, some had trouble figuring out. The old man wasn't hurting anyone, after all. He was just trying to have a merry Christmas the best way he knew how.

Yet another member of the Birmingham, Alabama community jumped from a bridge to his death. Curiously enough, he was a shopping mall Santa in the area. On his way to the rough waters below, he could be heard to shout, "HO HO HO!" Still alive, though taking in large quantities of river water, the man in the Santa suit thrashed about in the river current and pleaded for help, damning himself for his stupidity.

No help was given to the depressed drowning man, of course. The onlookers, instead, messaged to others on their electronic devices that they had just heard something make a splash in the water. Then they continued doing nothing.

After Valerie and Toadie checked into the hotel room, Valerie smiled at Toadie and began to undress. It wasn't long before both road weary travelers slipped beneath the sheets and....

THE NEXT POST (PART 2 of Toadie in "The Christmas Trip") WILL CONTINUE THIS STORY. MEANWHILE, YOU MAY ENJOY THESE PRECEDING ADVENTURES OF TOADIE BY CLICKING THE FOLLOWING LINKS:

Toadie in "Happy Anniversary"

Toadie in "Road Rage Spectacular"

Toadie in "First Love"

TILL NEXT TIME, "HO HO HO AND MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!"

Train Sets and Baskets of Stuff

We attended the Thanksgiving "feast" and celebration at the assisted living place where my Dad lives. For the most part, I thought it was a nice gesture on the caretakers' part to organize this for the families of the elderly living there and them, as well. This is the same old folk's home that I crashed my big white truck into months ago. You can read about that fiasco here, if you so like.

The happy ending to that episode is that my car insurance rate didn't go up, as I expected and worried about. A small miracle. I didn't think it should have, since what I bumped into was a narrow plastic pillar that would have crumpled in the middle if a flea had hit it.

This Thanksgiving dinner, provided by the assistance living staff came, with a stiff fee. I know that the fee likely won't be going to feed the elderly there. Normally, they don't get served much to eat on a daily basis, when family isn't around. I ate dinner with Dad there one evening and we were served, apiece, five cold, hard chicken nuggets, a tiny bowl of pinto beans and a few leaves of lettuce for a salad. That's part of the reason he likes going out to eat so much. We would move him somewhere else but every other place around here is worse than they are. There's other places in the area where the old folks are desperately trying to escape out of the place by scrambling out the doors almost 24/7. Then the guards come and put them in a big bag where they are never seen again. Poof!

Just kidding on that last bit. I know it's sad. Sometimes I'm just a bastard and stuff just kinda pops out of me like a mischievous little hamster rolling about inside the hamster wheel in my head. Oops... out the door he goes.

Shortly before this "feast", Dad and I made up, apologizing with words and hugs over the moving fiasco. That particular fiasco was a four and a half week ordeal that you can read about here, if you so like. He gave me a card, a big gift and more importantly, finally looked at the pictures and DVD we had taken of our (very likely) once-in-a-lifetime cruise. It was all very meaningful to me and because of it, we are on speaking terms again.

Now Back to The "Feast"

When we walked through the door and walked towards Dad's room (I didn't know where else to go since there was a mess of bodies walking, criss-crossing and stumbling (staff, elderly, family members). Everyone seemed to be in disarray or confusion, not knowing where to go or what to do. The head caretaker and supervisor of the place was selling off raffle tickets at a table in one tightly enclosed hallway and in another there were three long tables of homemade arts and crafts that the elderly inhabitants had created. Stuff like paper towel holders, knitted tambourine-like things, little dolls and other items I have trouble describing. I think I saw one of those nutcracker things with some ancient, brown stained dentures inside it's mouth.

See this thing below? Yes, that's made out of an aluminum can. That looks like something that could have been on that table.

My advice is to not stink your dingus into this turkey's mouth, not that I thought you're a bunch of freaks who would dare think about that.*

*snicker

But if you did decide on doing something like that, causing your prick to be sliced off by the sharp can's mouth opening, please videotape the event so it can be put on a website for others to enjoy and that others can laugh heartily at your stupidity. Come on! Think of others this holiday season! Be a giver!

Next, we find Dad, find our table with our name on it and sit down. All seven of us. While waiting an hour for our food, Wendy (not her real name) the supervisor is yelling loud messages, EXCITEDLY, over the intercom about people who won a spiritual train set or a gift basket full of stuff OR SOMETHING EVEN BETTER.

All aboard for a choo choo train ride to Christville, everybody! Where there's good fun to be had by all, praisin' the Lawd Almighty.

Another example of something yelled over the loud speakers:

"MR. DILLYWINKLE HAS JUST RECEIVED THE SPECIAL HOLIDAY BASKET FULL OF NON-ALCOHOLIC WINE AND CHEESE CHUNKS!"

Or another:

"MISS HAMMERPILE, 93 YEARS YOUNG, HAS JUST WON AN ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO OUR VENDING MACHINE DOWN BELOW WHERE THE LAUNDRY IS TAKEN CARE OF IN A TIMELY MANNER EVERY DAY BECAUSE OUR STAFF REALLY CARES ABOUT ALL OF OUR RESIDENTS LIKE THAT!"

Or another:

'OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THIS IS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED! IT SEEMS AS IF I HAVE JUST WON A LOTTERY PRIZE. IT'S A BRAND NEW SPORTS CAR, COMPLETE WITH ALL THE EXTRAS AND A TRIP TO ROME WHERE I'LL BE VISITING AND ENJOYING THE BEAUTIFUL SITES AND WISHING ALL OF YOU WERE THERE WITH ME!"

Then she would add... "IN SPIRIT... YOU REALLY WOULD BE THERE, SHARING IT WITH ME, IN MY HEAD AND IN MY HEART. FEEL FREE TO SOB, TALK ABOUT ME IN A POSITIVE MANNER AND CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT I'M SO THOUGHTFUL AND STUFF!"

And then the supervisor might exclaim, "MRS. PEABUTTERS, "OLD NOSEY NATTY", WE CALL HER AROUND HERE, HAS JUST WON A BASKET FULL OF SOME OF THE YARN MADE CRAP THAT YOU SAW OUT IN THE FRONT LOBBY SO THAT THE KIDS OF OUR RESIDENTS AND THEIR LITTLE ONES WILL BELIEVE THAT WE CARE ENOUGH TO ENGAGE OUR RESIDENTS IN POSITIVE ACTIVITIES THAT WILL TEMPORARILY HELP THEM TO FORGET THE SECLUDED LITTLE HELL THAT THEY'VE BEEN CONFINED IN AND FORGOTTEN ABOUT UNTIL THEY DROP DEAD!"

Before the food was actually delivered from tray to table, we were verbally forced to bow our heads and give thanks by saying the exact same words that the supervisor instructed us to say. Furthering that feeling of warmth and hospitality.

When the food finally came, it tasted alright. Nothing to brag about. The dressing was square shaped and resemble a brownie. The meat, I think, was turkey. Of course, it could have been a piece of old person, like in that movie, "Soylent Green".

The appetizers to the meal consisted of a warm biscuit and a small salad. The coffee served was cold, due to them making it too early with a coffeemaker that didn't keep the coffee hot. Oh well. I was just there to see Dad, spend time with him and get to say hi to a few of his cohabitants. You never know when you might see them again. They might make a successful escape that one time out of a hundred and try going into town and experiencing "life on the outside".... oooh.... ahhh.