Titillating Tales of WalMart

My wife has worked at WalMart for over 15 years and has seen the strangest and worst behavior from customers, employees (they call 'em "associates"- in order to make their employees feel more important, I think) and managers. I, myself, worked there for close to 3 years, at one point working with my wife at the same period of time, on 3rd shift. My wife now works on 1st shift.

In the past, on this blog, I've written about my own personal stories (don't ask on which post- I couldn't tell you) about some of the odd happenings at WalMart I experienced and the other night, while having my friend up, we got on the subject of the fucked up people we've encountered or heard about during our "working" life on the job. We discussed some of these hilarious, disturbing stories at length.

The following incidents are my wife's stories that took place while she has been working at WalMart:

Lady On The Prowl

One evening a woman came into WalMart, wearing only a flimsy, nearly transparent, red negligee and high heel shoes. Up and down the aisles, she walked, shaking her hips. She wasn't pushing a cart so the employees knew she likely wasn't shopping for anything WalMart had on their shelves. It was concluded that she was probably attempting to shop for a girl or guy to fuck.

Personally, I think WalMart would be a piss poor choice to go looking for love (lust), unless you want to "get busy" with a hillbilly or whatever. Either way, I think she was either out of her mind or on drugs or drunk. Not long after the cameras caught her struttin' her stuff and everyone else noticed her, that management called the cops and they escorted her out of the store.

Returned Items

A woman once bought a carpet shampooer, used it once and then brought back in the next day to the Customer Service desk. It wasn't broken, according to her. She just didn't want it. You could tell it had been used because the water/waste tank was full of dirty water and cat hair. WalMart took it back, oddly enough.

Another woman bought a Christmas tree a couple days before Christmas. The day after Christmas, she brought it back to Customer Service. It still had tinsel on it that she had put on. WalMart took that back, too. Hundreds of pairs of shoes have been brought back, sometimes four or five months after they had been bought, to the store. Many times they were dirty and some of the tread had been worn off. Of course, WalMart takes them back and puts all returned items in the Claims Department.

The worst stuff returned would be panties and underwear neatly folded and put back into the original packaging. It's apparent the undergarments have been used because the little bags they are in have been opened and- worse yet- plenty of dark brown skid marks have been found on them, later.

But the very worst time something was returned has to be during "The Big Summer Sausage Log Incident". A lady (although I'm not sure she could be described that way) came into WalMart, wishing to return a huge roll of summer sausage. She claimed she had a problem with it because it had "leaked meat juice" in her bed. The associates behind the Customer Service desk were shocked to see that the plastic wrapping on the 16 inch meat log had been peeled halfway down and it was covered with pubic hair. I jokingly asked if somebody suddenly grabbed it from her and started lickin' it like a lollipop. Anyway, management was called to the front of Customer Service about the sticky meat log and, sure enough, they took it back and refunded her money. All true, I'm afraid. I wonder if they put if back on the shelf with new wrapping. :)

Associates, Management and Customers Having Sex

Throughout the years, employees, customers and members of management have been caught having sex back in inventory rooms, men's handicap bathroom stalls, outside in the parking lot, beneath the light posts and even the dairy cooler. When they've been caught, they will sometimes stop fucking and fooling around. Sometimes, they won't.

Lingerie Department Episode

A crowd was found surrounding and staring in awe at a man on the floor in the women's lingerie department. He was fondling and sniffing a pair of new, unused, lacy panties with his one hand while vigorously pumping his one-eyed trouser snake with the other. The associates and management were called to the scene. A member of management called the police and they were on their way. Even as the man was told the cops were on the way, he wouldn't stop wanking his willy while sniffing the panties and so on. Even as the cops were about to put the handcuffs on the guy, he continued to jerk off, smiling the entire time.

No word on whether he was able to spurt his load before the cops got there.

Buzzing Noise

As you could probably guess by the title of this particular episode, it involves a vibrator.

A woman could be heard using a vibrator on herself in one of the women's fitting rooms in the clothing department at WalMart. The employees could hear a buzzing noise emanating from the small room and could see a pair of feet underneath the door. After demanding that the customer open the door and come out, she refused and continued masturbating. Finally, after a half hour, management told one of the employees to open the door. When they did, they saw a woman with her pants and panties down around her ankles. At that point, she finally stopped sliding the vibrator in and out of her pussy. She pulled it out and it was dripping, literally, all over the fitting room floor, according to the employees.

The police were called and she was taken away.

So yes, if you're looking for some of the world's finest freaks, you can find them at Wallyworld, folks. I hope you enjoyed the titillating tales as much as I have over the years. My wife and I continue to be astonished by the outrageous behavior people will engage in, in a public place such as this. Happy shopping, everyone!

Black Friday Stampedes

Ah, it's that time of year again. You can smell it in the air. Could that be Holiday Cheer?, you ask, naively. No, that isn't it Holiday Cheer, friends, neighbors and virtual pals o' mine. It the smell of huge corporations like Walmart and all the rest of the huge chains exercising their stranglehold on the public's addiction to material things with their horrific onslaught of Black Friday advertisements, urging everyone to cram into their store fronts and aisles, crushing one another during the annual American Consumer event.

There will be lines aplenty of the crazy, waiting outside the doors of these stores. Some idiots will be willing to stomp on a face or four to latch onto whatever they are getting a hard on (or if you're a woman- a wet on) for. Every year, it's on the news about someone getting crushed during the Black Friday event.

I really think it's a joke when some stores say they've taken the necessary steps to ensure public safety but they don't, really. A couple security guards at either store end isn't going to cut it. People will rush like rabid bulls. When I worked at Walmart for 3 years, all I could see that they were really making, instead of safety steps, were huge Christmas tree obstacles and sprawled out "consumer-unfriendly" displays of sale items to be put in the way of customers when they rushed. It's almost a guarantee that something stupid is going to happen.

Customers, overzealous and seething with madness to get a cheaper deal, will trample each other to get what they want. This is known, at least in America, as "Getting Into The Christmas Spirit".

Tomorrow morning, it is supposed to rain and snow around four in the morning. At that time, consumers will be lined up at the doors, colder than fuck and salivating at the chance to get their monkey paws on whatever shiny object will create euphoria for the moment. Could be the latest electronic whatchamicallit gadget. Could be a cheese grater/foot massager combination thingy. Who knows?

I think I'll get up in the morning just to get in the car, go to the stores and throw buckets of cold water on the lines and throngs of people. Couldn't be any worse than the usual "Christmas Spirit' exemplified.

Happy Holidays! Happy Spine Crushing! And don't forget to sodomize your fellow consumer with a broom handle for whatever it is you want at the store! Or bash in their skulls with a pretty snow globe with Santa in the center! Your choice. Spread the Holiday Cheer!

I Found A Pubic Hair In My Shrimp

A couple weeks ago, my wifey and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant/buffet and pigged out. We love almost all the food on their big buffet and look forward to hitting it up every so often. The food there is very tasty and they have a wide variety of seafood on the bar- always a plus with me, since I can never get enough crab legs and shrimp.

But, as things always seem to go, when you like something for a long time, something will happen that will eventually put a damper on it. In the case of eating at one of your favorite restaurants, that something could be bad service, cold food or being placed next to a table full of screeching monkey children that won't stop screaming like banshees.

That last one I mentioned is practically a deal breaker for me since I have a very low threshold for loud, needless noise and suffer from anxiety. The parents who allow this type of unacceptable behavior to go on and on without taking Junior or Juniorette out of the place so the patrons can have a nice, quiet meal that they're paying for, are the ones who need to be taken out to the woodshed and given a couple good whacks with a sledgehammer and a poke with an electric cattle prod, for good measure. The parents could, at least, put a sound-proof muzzle on that adorable, shrieking child-thing of theirs. I won't call it child abuse or call the authorities on you if you do it. If fact, I'll slip you a few bucks to go to the nearest pet store so you can pick one up. Who says I'm not a giver?

Bad service, if it is kept to a minimum, is something I can handle if it only happened once or twice during the dozens of times I've gone to a certain eatery. Cold food- the same way.

But this time something different happened. This time, I went to the buffet bar and brought back a plate of breaded shrimp and boy, did they look good- until I happened to notice a long black pube sticking out of the tail end of one of the shrimp. The slightly kinked hair was about 2 or 3 inches in length and it was in there, stuck very securely. I tried pulling it out, using a napkin and the damn thing wouldn't come out. Now, I know it wasn't mine. I have brown hair. And I know it wasn't another customer's. Who would, after all, take the time and trouble of plucking a single hair off their head and pushing it deep in between the shell end of the shrimp and the meat of it and then putting back into the tray with the rest of the shrimp?

Especially, when they would be easily caught by every other patron, scrambling around, dishing up food on their plates?

No, that mission would be too tough to accomplish.

Look closely at the pictures of the shrimp and questionable hair, click to zoom in and speculate amongst yourselves. This is a real detective's case here, I tell you. One for the books. I ended up wrapping the shrimp up in a napkin, took it home with me and photographed the evidence. I had to throw it away, not long afterwards, because the cat was trying to get at it to eat it and I didn't want him to gag and choke to death on the pubic hair. How would I explain that to the vet?

After all, I didn't want the vet to think I was forcing my schlong down into my cat's mouth and a pube came off and somehow lodged itself in his throat. You have to worry about things like that, you know.

I say the hair/culprit came from the kitchen where the Chinese cooks were cooking the food. I don't know for sure it was stuck firmly in the shrimp, intentionally and I'm not sure if it was a pubic hair, either. When I showed it to my wife, she gasped and then asked, "What is that?"

I said, "I think it's a pubic hair."

She replied, "Well that's gross, no matter which part of someone's body it came from."

I agreed.

Then we both laughed. Wifey asked if I was going to show it to the manager and I replied that I thought it wasn't worth it. The manager would probably think I put it there and the whole thing was too embarrassing to bring up. I'm sure it was an accident. I wasn't looking for a free meal on behalf of the manager or any other compensation that the manager might have given us. Being that this was the first time something like this had ever happened there, I let the matter drop.

Besides, it's not like I actually put the shrimp in my mouth. If I had, and discovered it rubbing against my tongue, I would have been incredibly pissed and went on a mad killing spree back in the kitchen. I would have bounded through the kitchen doors, unannounced. Throats would have been slit with sharp, handy knives. Screams would be heard throughout the dining area. And everybody would be sad. Except me. I would likely just be exhausted from all that hard work and need to drink some of that delicious green tea they have there to quench my thirst.

Perhaps it was an accident. Or perhaps, in a stretch of the imagination, a cook was mad at all of us American heifers, waddling our fat asses in the place and scarfing down rice rolls, dumplings, crab legs, Orange chicken and pubic hair shrimp.

Who knows? It gave me a topic to post about, anyway. That's the important thing.

Fun At Arby's and New Priorities

Hey, at least you don't suddenly bleed on teenage cashier boys at Arby's. I did that the other night. My nose started bleeding, kind of profusely, drops splattering the counter, while I was trying to tell my order to the Arby's employee. I had to use both handkerchiefs I had in my pants (which I eventually filled with blood) before the bleeding subsided long enough for me to get the order out of my mouth while blood dripped on my tongue, gums and beard.

How embarrassing! But for only a second, however, and then I didn't care because I knew I was most likely grossing every other customer standing beside me and behind me. So... It was worth it, I suppose. I tend to disgust or irritate at least one person every day. I would put something like that on my tombstone "Here Lies Kelly. He could piss anybody off without even trying." But I'm too cheap for all of that lettering, not to mention the plot expenses and so on, so I'm going to have myself cremated. Instructions will then include having my ashes sprinkled over some asshole's ice cream sundae. Or something like that.

My mother-in-law wants a really expensive casket and extravagant funeral. She already has it all planned out. Why? She's gonna be dead. Why do people do that? Simple answer: Vanity.

Er, where was I? Ah, yeah, my nose bleed.

My nose gets a kick out of bleeding like that -especially when it's really dry and cold outside or if I pick a particularly hard booger that's done a super job of gluing itself to my nose booger wall.

Say, "Thank you for sharing!"

These days, since my month long 95% recovery from Major Depression -which I've been diagnosed with for the last five years, my priorities in life have greatly changed.

For one, I don't care as much how I look when I go out in public. That's not to say I go out around town with my tube steak and blueberries hanging out of my pants. You can get ticketed and arrested for that shit. Or... in my case, possibly laughed at.*

*Due to my left testicle being the size of a small Granny Apple and the other one being just peachy -And by that, I mean normal. What's with all this food talk in this post?

No, I try to, at the very least, brush my teeth, comb my hair (even the pubes) and wear normal clothing when I go out. No more Sex Instructor: First Lessons Free type shirts are worn or even owned. I was the first, in my high school, to wear that shirt, by the way. Such pride! Now, if I were to go out with that shirt on, I would be thought of as some old pervert (which, of course, I am) but anyway....

I just believe it's all trivial and vain to go out in normal everyday places, wearing a popular name suit and a twenty to thirty dollar haircut.... or for the ladies (and some men, I suppose) -five pounds of makeup slathered on or plastic surgery work done on their faces. Even if it's for the workplace, don't demean yourself. As much as you have been likely brainwashed by this society, you really are not a product to be sold.

Number two: I don't give a rat's ass about how cute you think your kids are. I don't want to see their pictures. And if they're screaming at a table near me at a restaurant, expect a dirty look or much, much more from me if you don't remove them promptly or discipline them. They're irritating me and everyone else. It's rude. I'm trying to eat, digest my food properly and perhaps cut a small, yet quaint fart. People just don't have the cojones (or something like that) to give the parent(s) what I affectionately call "The Mean Bastard Glare".

Get those screamin' monkeys out of here!

Number three: Keeping up with the latest electronic gadgetry. That's an endless, futile and very expensive goal. You can keep your high powered computers, iPhone and other devices of diversion and stick 'em way up your toot hole. I'm just as happy reading a paperback book.

And lastly: Arguing continuously with certain people. If I've made my point and you've made yours and we still don't agree, then let's cool off for awhile and step away. More than likely, it won't be the end of the world. And later, after some thought, somebody might just see the other's point of view and go with it.

Outback Surprise

So my wife and I decided to go to the Outback Steakhouse, tonight. It's the last night of her 10 day vacation and she wanted to go somewhere nice to eat before going back to her wage-slavery job. The Outback's menu basically consists of "meat" items. At the Outback, ya got yer choice of steaks, chicken, ribs and lamb. It's all good. The service is normally excellent, too. Your waitress or waiter is frequently bringing you refills and asking if you need anything. That always scores points with me.

Since I have such a damned narrow throat, it's damned hard for me to get food down my tiny gullet without turning blue in the face and passing out in my plate of sirloin. That's one of the reasons I place so much importance of a sit-down restaurant's ability to keep the drinks coming. And yeah, I chew on the same bite of food two hundred times before swallowing. I can't tell you how many times I've almost done a blue-in-the-face-head dive into my plate or vomited on the way to the restroom to the dismay of surrounding, bewildered patrons. I did puke up some orange chicken on my plate at a Chinese restaurant once. I almost felt guilty for causing some of the old ladies at the table next to us get up and leave.

Good times.

But getting back to the subject I was originally rambling on about.....

The portions tonight, at the Outback, were considerably smaller than usual. That was our first shock. My wife's meal size was especially disappointing. A tiny thing of chicken and a tiny thing of BBQ ribs looked like a kid's meal. I checked the menu to make sure it was truly an adult item. It was.

Still hungry, my wife ordered a slice of peanut butter pie. She said that was really yummy.... or something like that. All I could get out of her, when I asked how the pie was, was "Mmmm. Ummerrrum." I dared not try to fork a bite from her plate because of the fondness for my hand.

The second shock came when we looked at the bill. We expected the cost to be in the 40 to 42 dollar range. And it was. No problem. But unexpected was the tip guideline at the bottom, telling patrons what they should pay, as a tip. How outlandish! How rude! I know the "waiting staff" have families to support. I understand that. But we're not going to be told how much of our hard earned money to leave as a tip. According to them, we should have left them a $6.50 tip. Sorry. It's not happening. We left them with a reasonable tip that was half of the "required" amount. They could suck on that and be happy or else.

Unhappy Customers

Have ya ever pulled up to a fast food joint drive-thru and try to order something that wasn't on their "menu" yet? Isn't it frustrating?

It must have been especially frustrating for the two guys and one woman in Salt Lake City the other day. These people pulled up to the window and attempted to order a lunch item from the restaurant when McDonald's was still serving breakfast. After being told they couldn't have Big Macs or whatever, the two men got out of the car and blasted away at the window with sawed-off shotguns.

Full story here.

Luckily, no one was hurt.

Speaking of unhappy customers, I stumbled on a website the other day which claimed to have the top 7 phrases to use with customers that are unsatisfied. I'll list the first 3 phrases:

“The problem you experienced is no more acceptable to us than it was to you.”

“I understand your concern. What do you think would be fair?”

“Although you might not agree with my decision, I’d like to explain it so you can at least understand.”

In the case of the Salt Lake City incident, perhaps a couple new phrases could be added to the list. Such as....

"If you politely refrain from blowing my head off with your gun, I may be able to serve your interests better."

Or....

"Yes, you can have anything you want! Just please don't kill me, you fuckin' lunatic!"

Of course, the second option may prove more satisfying as it comes out of your mouth, but it may prove to be slightly troublesome in the end.