This site is a testament to not only my life but to the insanity of society. Dive into Psycho Carnival and you'll find tragicomic personal stories, wild yet honest rants, a little depravity, videos and a buttload of other goodies.

This site also contains adult like humor and ideas that could make you think. Consider yourself warned!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Good Food on 420 Day or Any Other Day

The following is a fictional tale of intrigue and wisdom and stuff.

The three guys were sitting around the living room and enjoying their bowls of stew.  They had just finished smoking a couple joints only an hour ago and they were hungrily gobbling down the contents of their bowls.

Dave managed to stop eating for a moment and said, "What am I eating?  It's fucking delicious!"

Kyle, the dude who cooked the stew, said, without missing a beat, "It's unborn fetuses in a health-minded chunky soup.  The meatier bits were gingerly sauteed and I mashed the undeveloped eyeballs into a paste before adding the hearty broth that I shit from my ass this morning."

Dave nodded his head, understanding.  Then he added, "Well, it tastes great .  Hope you didn't go to too much trouble."

Dig in!
Kyle remarked, "Not at all, my good friends."

Then Kyle, Dave and Rick laughed, simultaneously, knowing that what was said simply wasn't true.  You know, the part about the fetuses, eyeballs and excrement juices.  But Kyle did cook the concoction.

It was actually Kyle's Slow N' Easy Deer Chili that they were eating.  A special recipe he had thought up the night before.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Here, let me give you the recipe.  You can copy it if you like.  But if you don't, I will gut you and use your intestines as a jump rope.  Ha ha.  I'm just kidding.  Look... See the smiley face?  :) People add these to the end of comments to let you know they're joking or that they're trying really hard to be cute or funny or sincere.  I have to add them all the time... on Fartbook, Twitter, sticky notes and sometimes this blog or wherever- because if I don't, some good, yet not particularly intelligent folks might get the wrong idea.  :)

Wouldn't want that to happen.  :)

In any case, if you don't want to eat the meat of Bambi, you can substitute ground beef, ground sausage, ground turkey or semi-fresh finely chopped unborn fetuses.  Also: You will need a Crock Pot or slow cooker.  Don't try making this with the hollowed out skull of a long dead hobo.  The ingredients simply will not fit and will not be cooked properly.

First, the ingredients to this simple, delicious recipe:

2lbs. ground venison
1 1/2  30 oz. cans of tomato puree
A big jar (roughly 24-28 ounces) of medium to hot spicy salsa
A bag of frozen chopped peppers and onions (or, if you're fancy, find the peppers and onions your own damn self and chop them up- fresh)
Add a 15 oz. can or 30 oz. can of chili or kidney beans (optional- depends on how much you want to fart later)
and a 1lb box of elbow macaroni or whatever pasta you want
Add about five to six tablespoons of chili powder 

The basic ingredients
Cook or boil what needs to be cooked or boiled (I hope I'm not making this too complicated for ya) and put it all in a Crock Pot or slow cooker.  Pour water into the mix til it almost reaches the rim.  Leave about a one inch space.  You don't want it to bubble over and make a mess.  I won't help you clean it up.  I'll be busy.  You don't want to know.  :)

Look closely, on the right and you'll see the Pillsbury Doughboy getting his wife, Poppie Fresh, brutally hard, up the ass.  His unique penis has the form and bend-ability of a long white elephant trunk.  But don't let their crazy, lustful actions shake and knock over your kitchen items!  Sometimes, I'll watch them for hours, go at it.   Envy is thy shame!
Lastly, stir it all up with a big fuckin' spoon or your big hairy arm.  Set the cooker on low for 6 to 8 hours. Put the glass cover over the slow cooker or Crock Pot.  Don't forget to take your spoon or arm out!  If you wish, after it's done, mix in a couple tablespoons of pepper sauce.

During your waiting time, be sure to catch up on some important projects you've been putting off.  Masturbate furiously to monkey porn.

And wallah... after it's done, eat up.

MMMMmmmmm.  It really is good.  And hearty.
Have a great day and night, everyone! 


Pickleope said...

That looks amazing! It helps I'm intensely high...allegedly. Now if I want mine extra farty, which style of beans and how much extra should I put in? If I have the goal of, say, liquifying my colon, how which ingredient would I add? Is there a time-release ingredient that will allow me to stave off full anus assault until I next step into an elevator?
In all seriousness, I LOVE a good chili and I will definitely be trying this.

Kim said...

Okay, so you got me - yep, this is indeed a "tasteful" post. :) That chili looks mighty yummy, and just the dish for 4/20. Thank you for the reminder to remove the spoon/arm from the pot - crucial step that we may overlook! Hope you're enjoying your chili! :)

Anonymous said...

I must say, I'm totally speechless about this post!

But I will share a tidbit of info that I learned from Kelly's Mother. And that is if you really want to FART - add a can of garbanzo beans. They are also great in salads as well as soups. Happy farting!!!

klahanie said...

Hey maaaaannnn..,
Aha, you certainly stirred the 'pot' with this one :) Note, smiley face :) An intriguing recipe and gosh darn, a recipe, for sure, for any old time.
Interesting how you incorporated "elbow macaroni" into the recipe. Is there a particular type of 'elbow' that you would recommend? And speaking of 'pasta', I'm suddenly thinking of Jamaica and some 'Pasta maaaaannnn..'
Seriously buddy, good to see you do a posting.
Take care and happy eating..*cough!* *cough!*

THE SNEE said...

You definitely need your own show on the Food Network, Kelly! Just reading this recipe got me 'high' on life. Your post is also perfectly time because weather's a bit 'chilly' here. I'm so happy to see you writing again. YAY!!!

Dixie said...

Okay, I love deer anything... this stew looks yummy. The eyeballs will get rolled in chocolate, then powdered sugar.. such a treat, you know? I like 'fritter babies' so the unborn fetuses will be added to the apple fritter batter.
I'm very particular about the excrement juices; sorry to say I go for the low cal.
So I guess you're okay, long as you're able to cook, able to eat, shit, and watch the pop family... Was a bit disappointed you didn't have a side dish of corn bread... I'm returning to my blog now. ^-^

Kelly said...

Pickleope- Ahh... I just love it when Blogger/Google does that. I'll write up a big long reply comment back to someone and it all goes away because I didn't put in a password or some shit. I'll try once more, anyway, but it won't be the same. Here we go:

You may be high, allegedly, but I'd like to be deep(ly) fried, hypothetically, of course. A 30 oz. can of kidney beans or chili beans would be the style and amount of beans I'd use. Go ahead with your full anus assault in an cramped elevator, school function or grocery store. Be sure to pin the grocery store victim with your shopping cart against the shelves for the full effect and fun. Look them directly in the victim's eyes when you fart and be proud of your accomplishment. Don't blame or give credit for it to a dog or small child or passerby.

I use a healthy dose of Tabasco brand Chipotle pepper sauce in my chili to liquify my colon. Who needs a colon, anyway? It's just a big ol' nasty tube that shit goes through. It just gets in the way. Listen to the good Dr. Kelly! He knows what's best for you. In all seriousness, I implore you to make and eat this chili. It's a real recipe and it's really damn good. Enjoy!

Kelly said...

Kim- You know me, Kim... always the tasteful and witty one. That chili is delish and just what the good Dr. Kelly ordered! You're welcome for the reminder to remove your arm for the Crock Pot. I know how sometimes people leave their arm in the pot after stirring up the spicy, hot, bubbling ingredients. The chili was tasty as hell! I actually made it a month ago and I'm just now getting around to posting the recipe for it. It was so good, in fact, my significant other and I had it completely devoured in a 3 day period. My anus bled for four days straight. I gave some to the cat and he burst in flames. :)

Just kidding... in case the smiley face at the end didn't give that away.

I'll be on your way to your blog tomorrow, Kim. I'm doing the commenters on this post, first. Wait... that didn't sound quite right. :) Take care.

Kelly said...

Anonymous/Aunty Kay- You can't fool me with your "anonymous"... nor can you escape being associated (relative-wise) to me. Har har har.

Btw, it's hard to believe you can be 'speechless.' Give me a break!

Yeah, you bringing up that info about Mom using garbanzo beans brings back great memories of the farting kind and other kind. She got me hooked on them, for the first time, at the Tree House restaurant when it was still around. You remember that restaurant. It actually had a friggin' four story tree growing right in the middle of the place, hence, the name. Personally, I've never tried them in a soup but I'm sure they'd work great in that, too. I take your word for it. I've always just used them in salads but I'll give 'em a shot in soup. Take care.

Kelly said...

klahanie/Gary- Hey maaaaaannn... I certainly made a farty pot of chili, eh? Your witty wordplay, as usual, made me laugh and fart, too. It's a simple recipe, I think and, as I've mentioned on here before, salsa makes a great substitute for a lot of ingredients that you would normally use for chili. I actually learned that from a well known cooking website.

Yes, in answer to your body part question, I would use a politician's elbow to be put in the pot or slow cooker. It may make them less able to jab the little guys, like you and I, in the ribs with their condescending words and actions.

Yeaaaahhh dude, I'm with ya on thinking about what a lot of Jamaicans do for recreation and the munchies that come afterwards. 'Munchies' sounds like that movie, Critters, doesn't it? Speaking of critters, I need to scrape a few off of my hairy ballsack and add them to the chili for my guests. Nothing but the best for my friends!

thanks for saying that last part on your comment. It's good to be back posting on the ol' blog. Like I said on Farcebook, I'm taking a break. Not just because I'm going to be on my blog tour, but because I was getting a bit too addicted to the whole Facebook thing instead of more important priorities. I can see why other people get caught up into it. Hey... You take care, too, my friend. Happy 'coughing' and eating. I'll be at your blog, tomorrow. I'm doing the commenters here, first, as a show of respect because I'm just one helluva guy. *Wink wink.

Kelly said...

THE SNEE- With as much as I love to experiment with cooking, I don't think I'd be too bad of a choice for having, at least, a guest spot on a Food Network show. so I think you may be onto something there. My wife and I love The Food Network, btw.

So you say it's been chili there where you're at, Rebecca? I mean to say "chilly". :) Har-dee har har. Maybe I should try to get on the comedy channel, too.

I'm glad to be back in the "blogging saddle" again, too. Thanks for being glad of that, as well, for me.

I'll be at your site, tomorrow, Rebecca. Commenters on this post will be visited first- as a reward. My comments on your latest posts will be THE BIG BONUS, however. Woo hoo! Excited? I can't wait to see what you've come up with since I've been away. Take care!

Kelly said...

Dixie- You say you like 'deer anything'? What about Deer Hopscotch? I watched Deer Hopscotch on 420 day on ESPN. Great sporting event. And I gotta tell ya... Watching those deer hop over those Scottish people at the arena was fun- like you can't imagine. Or maybe you can. Did you have a "special" 420 Day? :) Ahhh... Don't mind me! I have no mind.

Your 'eyeballs getting rolled in chocolate and powdered sugar technique' sounds yummy and very practical. Gives me ideas for Valentine's Day for my wife. Love your disgusting, er, I mean delicious and bubbling hot idea about 'apple fritter babies, too. It sounds swell. In fact, those unborn fetuses will likely 'swell' to at least twice their size when you pull them from the deep fryer. Low cal poop juice, you say? I'm there, girl.

I'm glad you had fun with this post and commenting on it. I wasn't quite sure how some would be able to handle it but I'm as pleased as a screaming baby in a blender that you and everybody else seem to like it. I think you should take care of the corn bread. I have faith that you would make that extra special. I'll be visiting your blog, tomorrow and leaving one of my charming comments. Take good care, Dixie!

Static said...

"Well, it tastes great. Hope you didn't go to too much trouble."

HAHAHAHA! AWESOME. This was the best read I've had in a long long while. Quite a useful one at that with a dee-lightfully dee-lishious recipe and all. I think I'll take mah leave now n' git me summa dat dair chili and mah French fried 'taters and go whack it to some monkey porn. BRB LOL! :)

Kelly said...

Static- You enjoy dat dair chili, your French fried taters, your monkey porn and to top it all off, why not relax, after an evening of this here fine dining and whacking by goin' on over to your nearest trailer park and join in a bonerfide orgy filled with diseased skanks and assorted vermin. Yah hooo.

Anyway, glad you enjoyed your stay here, dude. I'll be by your site(s) to see if you've got anything new up and leave one my usual charming comments. Keep thrillin' and chillin'!

billy pilgrim said...

after you eat the chili; drop your pants, bend over and let er rip with the missus holding a lighter in a strategic spot.

Kelly said...

billy pilgrim- That's a grand idea. What I'm hoping for is that a fire from the lighter ignites the methane from my ass and causes my scrotum to burst into flames. I bet that will finally make me cum!

bazza said...

Five to six table-spoons of chilli powder? Even Bambi's mother would be shocked!
Glad you are Blogging again Kezza!
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

Kelly said...

bazza- Good to hear from you,dooooood. But, anyway, yeah... Though 5-6 tablespoons sounds like a lot, it really isn't when combined with all the rest of the ingredients. This is a huge batch of chili, after all.

In the end, really, however, this recipe plays fast and loose with the amounts. People should put in whatever amount of whatever ingredient that they think will taste good to them after it's been cooking in the slow cooker for 6-8 hours. In my experience, this set of ingredients and amounts works perfectly and tastes great. I've made several batches of this in the past.

And it's good to be blogging (and blog visiting) again. Take care, Bazza and be sure to tell Bambi's mother to take a Valium for her nerves. :) See the smiley face? Later!

GEM said...

Hi Kelly, great post and very funny :))))(extra smiley faces). Can you rewrite the recipe again only this time in Russian to help me find the ingredients. I may not find ground deer out here but could possibly use ground brown bear, do you think that would work? It looks delicious and very spicy. Something for the next Russian winter perhaps to warm our frozen a***s!

Take Care


Kelly said...

GEM- Oh... Thank you, sincerely, for those extra smiley faces after the 'great post and very funny' compliment. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside- like a dead squirrel on the road, baking beneath an unforgiving sun and growing mold and infested with maggots inside it's half-exposed flesh after being ran over and left to die painfully for four or five days, by my powerful, hulking truck. I didn't mean to hit the poor thing, though... because I love all life forms, of course. :)))))

Instead of rewriting the recipe for you, I'll tell you that 'ground bear', used an alternative or as the main meat to the chili, should work out. The chili, as you stated, is delicious- but it isn't as spicy as one would think. But it would definitely warm your collective buttocks there in Russia- for the next Russian winter- of which I'm glad you survived. Nice going on that WIN, too. I couldn't do it.

Keep surviving and thriving in Russia, GEM. You show a lot of courage and patience in your adventures.

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