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Friday, September 26, 2008

Ice Cream Made With Human Booby Milk

PETA is asking Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream if it would start using human titty milk to make it's yummy frozen confections. No kidding. PETA says it would reduce the suffering of cows and produce a healthier treat for consumers. They wrote a letter to Ben & Jerry's that stated "cow's milk is hazardous and milking them is cruel."

I say that milking a human female till she produces enough milk to make a couple pints of ice cream may be cruel, too. From what I understand, those titty pumps kinda hurt. Where are they going to go to get that much booby milk? It's hard to picture an assembly line of women with pumps attached to them, getting enough of that stuff out of their breasts to produce that much ice cream. And who would volunteer for that job?

It takes about 12 pounds — or 1 1/2 gallons of milk — to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.

Besides all of this, I would be more concerned about the particular people they would be getting this milk from. I mean, are they healthy? More importantly, are they good looking?

The folks at Ben & Jerry's aren't going for the idea, of course. To them, the idea is udderly insane.

Ben & Jerry Spokesman Sean Greenwood, in an email, wrote:

We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child.

If Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream change their minds in the future, I would be ecstatic if they would consider a few possible flavors (including titles) I have come up with.


"Mocha Mammary Delight" (for some reason I'm picturing Halle Barry on the front of the carton)

"Nice N' Nutty Nipples"


"Boobilicious Berries and Cream"


Starcasm said... does not condone human milking. It would be outsourced to India and China anyway. And then we would have complaints of sweaty milk factories. So bad. So, so bad.

wigwam2theorem said...

They would also have to drug test all the women. Imagine what would happen if Ben & Jerry's produced ice cream contaminated with methamphetamine...

Damian (666) said...

I never knew this was a problem? I make ice cream with womens milk all the time, my mom said everyone does it!

Kelly said...

Your mom's right. Why just the other day I was squeezin' some titty milk from the wife and made a whole gallon of BoobBerry Ice Cream. Now her breasts look like two big used up raisins.

threio said...

How much is B&J paying for the raw milk? My old lady is currently laid off from her job, we could use the extra income!

Kelly said...

Crack that whip on her, Threio. I heard they're paying a WHOLE dollar a pint for mommy milk.

I asked BJ if I could sell 'em some of my daddy milk (teehee) but they said it had too much salt in it.

J. Alden Page said...

Sounds like a good way to make money while losing weight!


I mean, that's horrible. I'm completley appalled at the idea of people selling breast milk...

Breast milk cheese:

Kelly said...

Ha ha ha. Yeah, you mean "that's horrible".

I read that breast milk article at

That woman said she couldn't make cheese out of her breast milk because it wouldn't curdle. She tried adding lemon and something else with no luck.

I like the last comment that one dude made at the end of breast milk/cheese story. For some reason he decided to talk about his semen and other things that seemed (sort of) unrelated but humorous, anyway.

Here is that guy's comment:

Most men WANT their lovers to eat their semen. Hell, I eat my own, 'cause it's mighty tasty. Why is everyone acting like it's so gross? Or are you just a bunch of closeted swallowers who need a taboo to get your rocks off?

Semen is high in sugar and protein. It can be made to taste better if a guy lays off meat and eats a lot of fragrant, juicy fruit (e.g., mango, apricot, plum, peach, strawberry). It also helps if he showers right before oral sex.

I love cunnilingus so much because I enjoy the way my girlfriend tastes. I adore her chocolate-pomegranate-orange-peach-cinnamon flavor! If my girlfriend lactated, I would nurse three times a day.

I think this guy would enjoy the breast milk ice cream.

lordmardee said...

GIVE ME A GALLON put me on the dilivery route. oh yea kelly u have not went down below for yrs.So don't try to tell us that

Kelly said...

The gallon of booby milk is on the way to your house, even as we speak. Had to get it from my cat. My wife is all out. And the cat is all dried up.

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