Candles

I like candles, as long as they don't burn my place down. Have you ever forgotten to blow out your candle before leaving the house or going to bed? Then you wake up or return home to find your candle jar is holding a lake's worth of wax and there is just a teensy, lil' flame weakly flickering on your drowning wick. Don't you feel like a complete dumbass?

No?

Well, you should, damn it.

My cat drank all the liquified wax out of my candle jar a couple months ago and when he pissed and crapped, it smelled like Dreamy Vanilla Cream.

Gosh, that litter pan smelled wonderful, for a change.

Well, enough yakin'. Watch this video clip and learn something important, damn it!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Afraid? You Should Be.

Tired of fearing George Bush's overly familiar, same old-same old Mid-East terrorists? Well, have I got great news for you or what? They're something new for you fucked up, irrational, easily persuaded Americans to be afraid of. And I will divulge this in a minute, you typically impatient American wanker. According to the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security and the WWF, new information has been discovered that will soon change our charmed American lives for the worst. It's bigger than 4 dollar a gallon gas! Bigger than a first black president! Bigger than Brad and Angelina's collection of brown kids! Bigger than an infected genital wort on an old crack whore's labia!

"But how can this be?," you ask, with as much anticipation as a young lad's first time doing it with an old crack whore with oozing vaginal sores.

Well, brace yourselves....

THE FREAKS ARE COMING. Yes, that's right. I said it. Freaks! Vital info has just been found out that details a partial plan about these Freaks and what they want.

From a secret source that shall remain a secret, I have been able to attain photos of some of these enemies and a small amount of info pertaining to them. Here they are.

This is Gary and Barry Skinflute. They are twins. Gary enjoys long Sunday drives on sunny, spring days. Barry, however, does not drive.

This is Wendy. Her nipples are not pierced.

We paid top dollar to get this one of Frank Polesky. After quitting his job as a carnie, Frank was accepted into the Freak organization upon showing off his many skills and talents in ballet.

This is Sarah Silverman. Sometimes, she can be funny. Here, she is showing everyone what her vagina looks like.

The brute on the left Karro Sirrup. The man getting his face grabbed by Sirrup is Budder Scots. Budder watches Masterpiece Theatre. Karro enjoys the soft fur of a kitten. Both engage in the art of fudge packing.

These are but a few of the Freaks that are known. They are gathering, as we speak, preparing to take over America. It's been rumored that they eat vegetables and small children. Be on the lookout!

Survived The Holidays

The mad scrambling done for the sake of Christmas preparations. The cooking. The clean ups. The gift givings. The multiple family visits. The drinking and whatnot on New Year's Eve . The headaches. The stress. The rare periods of bliss. The chaos. It's all over except the recuperating.

The moments that allowed me to engage the world of blogging, in any respect, were very few and far between. It may seem as if I ignored everybody and this site, but believe me, it wasn't a decision I wanted to make. I'm far behind on blog visiting. I promised one dude I'd write a post, for Christmas, on his site. That didn't happen either.

Right now, my head is chock full of sludge. That's the result of way too much "fun" on New Year's Eve. The party we hosted didn't officially stop until five in the morning. And I'm still trying to recover. It's been almost 24 hours since the party ended, too. I'm way too old for this shit.

To all of you I have shunned, both friend, family member and blogging pal, I am truly attempting to rise from the ashes of these damnable holidays to begin "socializing" again.

Please be patient and try to keep the noise down.