Chocolate Pudding And A Slider

The other day, the wife and I were sitting at the new Chinese buffet restaurant in our redneck community, eating, talking and laughing about something I was reminiscing about. I'll get to that story in a second.

After a half hour of us gorging on crab legs and General Tso's Chicken and so on, a family of white trash comes in and plops their big fat redneck asses in the booth behind us. Why they sat behind us when there was no one else in the restaurant is beyond me. Maybe they wanted to flaunt the intellectual conversation they would be engaging in. After eating for a few minutes, they started rambling about what they were eating and how it wasn't that great. In fact, the food is great there. It's just that the hillbillies in our small strung together towns can't handle anything beside plain old meat and potatoes. My wife and I could hear them, quite easily, because they were so loud. I think they wanted the workers and management there to hear what they were gabbing about.

From that topic, they leaped to another kind of conversation....

One of the family members, the oldest dude, said to no one in particular, "You know, the craziest thing I ever had to eat was a White Castle hamburger out of Jennifer's coochie."

I have no idea if 'Jennifer' was at their table at the time but I heard a distinct female giggle following his statement of personal culinary triumph.

My wife heard them and stared behind me, at the guy saying it. She began to laugh. I did, too. I whispered to her, "I guess that's why they call those hamburgers 'sliders'."

I thought what he said was also funny because only minutes before they came in, I was watching my wife eat a tiny bowl of Tapioca pudding. I like Tapioca pudding, don't get me wrong, but to me it looks like sperm. I told her that it looked like a big blob of jizz and she laughed and said, "Yum." She gets my depraved sense of humor and we've been together for over 21 years. In other words, we've said just about every crazy thing you can say to another person and still know it's cool or acceptable.

Anyway, the sight of pudding got me to thinking about the experimental days I had with old girlfriends. Because of one experience I had with one girlfriend, I had trouble eating chocolate pudding for awhile.

Decades ago...

I got the idea to use chocolate pudding on my girlfriend's vagina. As I filled a bit too much chocolate pudding into her twat, she wriggled around on a bed, expressing her enjoyment. Soon enough, I was down between her thighs, eating her pussy. She moaned and groaned and I was getting into it pretty well. But the chocolate pudding was getting everywhere, man. The sheets. My face. Her butt cheeks. But I didn't care. I was a man with a mission. Even if I couldn't tell what was where because of the vast amounts of pudding covering the whole area, I was going to get to the bottom of things.

Soon enough, she was really going crazy and giggling, like I was tickling her or something. Then I was realizing I was tasting something different other than pussy and pudding. I found out, the hard way, that my tongue had slipped into her butt hole. I tasted a distinct hint of poop juice. My brain lit up in shock and fear and I promptly got up from the bed. She said, "I really liked it when you licked my anus. But it kind of tickled.' I stuttered, saying, "But... But I didn't know I was... licking your asshole. I... I couldn't tell because of all the pudding."

And then I screamed.

She said it was okay because she had wiped her ass really good after her last dump. This attempt at consolation failed to console me and I vowed to never use chocolate pudding as part of my sexual experimentation again. Unless, it was to be put on my hardened cock and slurped off by a sexy young woman. Which, actually, that very thing happened later on in life.

I just stuck my prick in a bowl of chocolate pudding, pulled it out and she gobbled away on it like it was a chocolate covered banana. I provided the homemade whipped cream, of course.

Enjoy your desserts!

Caribbean Adventure: Stage Shows, A Belly Flop Contest and Coming Home

This is the last post about our Caribbean Cruise Adventure. Hope you liked the series.

In the middle of the week of our cruise, I came down with a fucking sinus infection from hell. My chest was congested with gallons of snot, I was running a fever and my throat was sore to the point of bleeding. Still, I carried on. I pushed through my physical woes and told my body to basically go fuck itself and that I was going to push forward, full snot ahead. I wasn't going to let a little thing like being sick as a dog get in the way of our good times.

One thing I did to take my mind off the mucous hacking, forehead splitting headaches and sweating like a crippled obese guy, covered in honey and surrounded by a village of starving Ethiopians, was to pop copious amounts of acetaminophen tablets and Valium into my gullet.

One night we went to a show on the boat that featured a comedian and an aerial acrobatic act. I had taken a Valium before going to the theater, which was bigger than I thought it would be. We take a seat in the very front row, an hour early.

After the hour passes, the curtains part and right away, a guy in tights is running wildly towards this bungee cord/rope thing hanging down from the ceiling and grabs the motherfucker like he just caught a crazed dragon by the tail. Meanwhile, there is his female partner, with a ton of eye make up and she's doing about a dozen flips, backwards, from one end of the stage to the other. The dude hanging on the cord is shouting something in a foreign language about this time and with the Valium pushing me into another dimension of reality, I'm not sure what to make of it. I thought I was hallucinating all of it.

With the sheer force of his run and his ability to shift his body just right, the acrobat takes the cord and rides it, flying around the entire interior circumference of the theater. Around he goes, feet going up, head going down. Now he's holding on with just his ankles. When he gets back to the stage he flips and lands back on his feet. This guy is a freaking monkey!

Before I can take a fuckin' breath, the dude runs quickly to the back of the stage and then runs even more quickly towards the bungee cord up in front. All eyes were on this crazy bastard. He clutches onto the cord and with only a shot glass worth of space to spare, he takes flight and barely misses the top of my wife's head and in that split second of witnessing him doing that, I'm thinking (A) If his foot hits the top of her head, he's going to goddamn scalp my wife and I'll never hear the end of it and (B) Wow! This is cool!

But I don't know which came first. With the Valium, who knows?

An hour of this entertaining show went by and the comedian that took the stage after the aerial act was funny but not as much as he thought he was and, in fairness, he did have a mind blowing act to follow.

During one of our days on the ship, we went to the pool deck and promptly learned it was a good idea to have sandals on your feet or you would suffer the blistering torment of the scalding hot cement floor around the pool area and the flesh-bubbling hot deck floor with the lounge chairs above the pools. I think I lost a pound of foot flesh during one of those days I forgot to wear shoes of some sort.

Anyway, on one of those days, they held a Belly Flop Contest. You could win either 1st, 2nd or 3rd prize based on how big a splash you could make with your portly flab pot of ugliness. You were also judged by the audience (the standing crowd) by the great technique you showed when leaping and slamming your bulging balloon of whale belly into the water.

Only six guys volunteered, even though the top prize was a thousand dollars. Not a bad reward, I thought, for thoroughly embarrassing yourself in front of a sizable crowd and having a huge red painful splotch on your belly from the hardcore impact of your overflowing gut meeting H2o.

It was all fun and games as one by one took their turns, making their crowd-pleasing splashes (not drowning anyone by the ensuing tidal waves) until one hairy old dude in a pair of loose swim trunks had his fifteen minutes of fame. He launched himself with all the dignity of coked up walrus and created a tremendous belly flop in the water. Everyone applauded.

There's always one bad apple in the bunch, as they say, and in this case, two very large fat white buns and butt crack was in this bunch and were exposed as the old fat dude grabbed the ladder and pulled himself up. Unfortunately, his ill-fitted trunks did not come up with him and everyone was treated to a sight that likely made everyone want to skip their next meal at the buffet that night.

I think I heard the cries of children and maybe a few of the unborn.

Now this pic isn't of the dude who had the wardrobe malfunction during the belly flop contest but it sure looks like him. This wasn't even taken on our ship. I just needed this for my post. This guy looks like he's been stuck on a cruise ship for about a month, however. All you do is eat and eat till your stomach bloats while you're on the boat.

The host, the cruise director of our ship, made a joke about his crack and proceeded, after milking some laughs, to move on to the next contestant. The old fat dude ended up winning the bronze and received a Royal Caribbean hat and a lifetime of future therapy as his 3rd place award. Hurrah!

It's too bad we couldn't throw darts at him.

The last day on our ship was a lot of limb-breaking, mind-numbing fun as we woke up exhausted and struggled with our cumbersome luggage at five in the morning, going down decks and walking from checkpoint to checkpoint. With documents, customs forms and passports in hand, along with carrying heavy luggage, we somehow managed to get from security checkpoint to security checkpoint, then shuttle bus to airport -without any problem.

That is until we reached Orlando International Airport. It was at the airport security checkpoint that we had our biggest problem. When we tried to get our carry on bag through the x-ray scanner, while emptying our pockets into a plastic tray, the alarm went off and a security person took us off to the side. I was hoping she wasn't going to do a cavity search on me because she looked like she was "on the rag" and her pussy cramps were pissing her off, plenty.

She took our "suspicious" bag and rummaged through it. Meanwhile, both of us voiced our surprise at the sudden situation. The security woman said she was looking for a container that made the scanner go off for whatever reason. I asked her if it was a can of shaving cream or the little bottle of rubbing alcohol. I pulled the lighter out of my pocket, at one point and asked, "Could this have set it off?'

She said, "No." None of the above.

I thought, briefly, how much fun I could have by asking her it was the bomb in my underwear that was setting the alarm off. Then I realized how severe lack of sleep could alter your judgement on what was stupid and what wasn't.

Finally, after digging out numerous breakable souvenirs and an entire rumpled suit ensemble, she found the dangerous culprit. It wasn't a lighter, an aerosol spray can or flammable rubbing alcohol that had to be disposed of... It was suntan lotion. She said I couldn't take it on board the plane. I said that's okay and to just throw it away. The lighter and the other things were okay but not suntan lotion. I don't get it.

I was already nervous about showing all the right papers at the right points and getting home alright without complications so getting rid of a fucking bottle of suntan lotion meant nothing to me in light of my goal.

In closing, we were picked up by my wife's parents at the CVG Airport and eventually made it home after several stops. After dragging our souvenir booty and hernia-inducing luggage up our apartment steps, we both collapsed on the bed, face first. My cat immediately jumped up, pranced between us and lay on my back. I didn't have the energy to shake him off.

Looking back, we had a lot of wonderful, exciting experiences which will stay in our minds for the rests of our lives. I wouldn't trade any of them for hardly anything. I'm sure I've left some things out but I feel like I've mentioned all of the main events that happened. If I didn't write everything that happened with words, I think I covered it with the pictures that were taken.

Speaking of pictures, here are some miscellaneous photos that were taken on the ship, ocean or the islands we traveled to and from.

Cozumel, Mexico

Orlando International Airport trams and terminals

This Caribbean adventure we took was just the kind of relaxing, learning and fantastic event we needed in our lives. I'm glad we did it and we will always treasure the memories this trip provided us.

Links to all the posts (except this one), from beginning to the end, in this series:

Back From My Caribbean Adventure

First Day Nearly Killed Me

Enjoying The Beach in The Bahamas

Grand Cayman Islands

The Top Deck Action

Inside My Pirate Ship... Argh!

Swimming With The Dolphins in Cozumel, Mexico

I've got a buttload of more photos of our trip on Facebook, if you're hankering to see more. My next post will be about sex and chocolate pudding. Ahoy!

Caribbean Adventure: Swimming With Dolphins In Cozumel, Mexico

Though our cruise only lasted a week, going on this adventure has given us a lifetime of incredibly memorable experiences. One of those incredible experiences being able to swim with, touch and ride the Bottle Nosed Dolphins in Cozumel, Mexico.

Thanks to getting a refund for not being able to do the snorkeling excursion in the sea beside St. Thomas, we were able to use that money for something my wife has always dreamed of doing... And that is being able to see and play with dolphins, up close and personal.

And we owe some of that thanks to Hurricane Earl. Click link for an explanation.

We could have picked a dozen other excursions to take the place of the snorkeling one but I knew how much this once-in-a-lifetime (for us, anyway) experience would mean to my wife and I convinced her to do this one.

DOLPHINARUS DOLPHIN PARK in Mexico

In the beginning of our great experience, six other folks and my wife and I were told to get in our bathing suits and take off any jewelry we were wearing. The instructors said the dolphins are attracted to shiny things and will try to pull them off of you. In other words, if you were wearing earrings, a nose ring or a nipple ring, they could tear one of them off, along with your flesh. Ouch!

The instructors also told us to NOT TOUCH the dolphins ON THE FACE. The instructors said they don't like it. They're sensitive that way and the instructors compared it to humans, generally not liking the touching of their faces. I know I fucking hate it when someone touches my face... Unless it leads to me getting some nookie. After the 3 instructors got us into the fifteen foot deep natural ocean water (see pics below), we were given a variety of hand and arm signals to learn to gesture to the dolphins to perform a particular trick or movement. With these signals, they sung, danced, leaped and allowed you to ride them in the water.

It was amazing.

The instructors told us many facts about dolphins. Such as:

Dolphins live up to 35 years in captivity. Only 7 or 8 years in their natural habitat.

Dolphins have 2 or 3 lines or slits underneath them and above their tail flippers. Three slits indicate it is a female. Each one has a different function. One for babies and intercourse. One for pooping. One for pissing. So now you know. But this doesn't mean you can go around fingering dolphins, pervert!

A dolphin will attempt to save you if they see you drowning in the middle of the water and they have also been know to fend off sharks from attacking human beings.

Dolphins are incredibly smart and have as many emotions as humans.

Dolphins our given only one set of teeth in their lifetime... unlike the shark.

The natural enemies of a dolphin are sharks, whales and unfortunately, human beings.

For an interesting article on how smart dolphins are, click this link after you're done here. When I asked the instructor if dolphins were smarter than human beings, he said that he thought they were more intelligent. He pointed out that dolphins don't create wars, pollute their own world and cause needless pain and destruction.

So, without further ado... Here are just some of the pictures of our fantastic experience with the dolphins, along with a few captions:

A more wider view of the Dolphinarus park, sitting in the ocean

One dolphin was female named Bina. She was a three year old Bottle Nosed Dolphin.

The other dolphin was a fifteen year old male named Seymour.

Not only were we being given rides by the dolphins (yes this is me, holding on for dear life) but we were able to touch their tongues, teeth and hold them. It was obvious they loved people. They would swim up against us, wanting contact and to be played with.

Bina and Seymour

Dolphinarus

This was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience for us. We honestly never dreamed we would be able to get this close to dolphins and have that much time with them. I think we were there for over an hour and a half. The pictures taken by their photographers and the DVD of our time with the dolphins, that we bought, would be considered expensive by some folks. Not for us. The expense was well worth it and seeing the smile on my wife's face, while there, makes that sentiment set in concrete.

The dolphins are a very loving and intelligent species of marine creature. Very intuitive, as well. I won't forget them.

I'll be putting up more photos of our dolphin experience on Facebook later, if you want to check them out.

Caribbean Adventure: Inside My Pirate Ship... Argh!

Well, it isn't an actual pirate ship. More like a cruise ship. Well, really, exactly a cruise ship. Once we got our bearings on what was where on Freedom Of The Seas, it was the middle of the week. That's how long it really took us to find the basic restaurants and theaters and pools and all the important places on the ship. That's how damn big it is.

Exact figures: The ship stands 18 decks (209 ft/63.7m) high. Of those decks, fifteen are for passengers. And it is 1,111.9 ft (338.91 m) in length.

It's a big one.

They called it a floating city and it was really like a huge community of connected people. Everyone was polite to each other. There was never any pushing or shoving during the long lines here and there and everyone was very open to one another about their life outside our cruise, telling details about themselves, laughing and enjoying the company of others.

We didn't meet an unfriendly passenger even once. It was an idyllic atmosphere.

Even I, the social non conformist, pessimist and critic of society as a whole, began getting into the spirit of our community. The mutual friendliness and positive talk of the passengers on the ship drew me in and soon I was talking it up with everyone, too.

I think that when you get a shit load of people inside an enclosed area, out in the middle of a ocean that can be potentially dangerous or unpredictable, everyone senses that and they get gradually insinuated into that attitude of "Well, we're all in this together... Let's try to get along."

But that could be a jaded, no-matter-how-accurate point of view. It could very well be that everyone was just wanting to have a good time and didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that and honestly wanted to meet new people and learn about them. I'm pretty certain no one wanted a scenario like you would find on a real pirate ship, where there could be sword fights and heads coming off and rolling on the upper deck and falling into one of the highly chlorinated swimming pools. Although, that would be kind of cool to see if you were watching at a safe distance and had the sufficient weaponry and ammo to protect yourself.

Check out these photos of the interior of the ship.....

What the hell! A mermaid coming out from the Promenade ceiling. She looks a little stoned. Or frightened.... because she's dangling in the air by a water foam turd. You choose.

Glass elevators going so far up they reach the planes up in the air.

Just one small section of the Promenade. Everything was lit up that night for Formal Night.

I do not know why there is a car in the middle of the busiest floor on the deck. And I don't know why it's first name is Morgan. Is he a cousin to Herbie The Love Bug, perhaps?

CheeseHead, sculpted from a big block of cheese, resides in the Windjammer Cafe.

If you were lost (which would happen a lot) and lucky (which would not happen as often) you could find one of these on a ship deck to sort of give you the direction you needed to go.

This was our Ocean View Balcony Stateroom. It was quite nice to be able to sit out on the balcony and enjoy your very own private, quiet view of the ocean. It was beneficial to my peace of mind. A took a lot of photos of islands, sunsets and the ocean from the balcony.

Look closely and you'll see one of many towel animals that our stateroom attendant made for us every night. This night it was a dog, made entirely of towels. They would do these for every passenger cabin on the ship.

A swan

And with this monkey, my wife thought it needed a banana because the poor thing was without a goddamn dick.

And here we are, at the Windjammer cafe, eating our 20th meal of the day. Of course, I'm exaggerating about that figure but it does seem you eat a lot more on a cruise more than pretty much anywhere else. The food was great here, as it was in the Jade Cafe and Cafe Promenade.

Our server, Gabrielle, was nice enough to take this picture of us. I think it's a pretty good shot, myself.

Caribbean Adventure: The Top Deck Action

Well, now.... What we have here in this here post is a right bountiful collection of scenes from the top deck of our cruise ship. Yep. If you kind folks have any questions, be sure to ask your ol' Uncle Kelly and I'm sure as puddin' on a stick that he'll get right back to you, concernin' your most excellent inquiry.

I've got a boner.

So here ya go!

Below is my wife, flipping out because she has spent too much "quality" time with me, on the ship. Either that or she's had four or five drinks too many and decided to break out in a wacky dance, accompanied with a contorted facial expression seemingly expressing insanity. Again, the insanity of having to live with me, 24/7 for the whole week.

Caribbean Adventure: Grand Cayman Islands

The day after our fantastic time in the Bahamas, our captain took us to the Grand Cayman Islands. Georgetown, specifically.

I loved Georgetown. It was so clean and beautiful. The waters in the lagoons were turquoise in color and crystal clear. The people there were hospitable and friendly. And the weather was absolutely beautiful. If I had a choice of living anywhere else in the world this moment, I would pick the Grand Caymans, for certain. My wife and I had a great time there.

Instead of embarking on any excursions, my wife and I took it easy. We drank some strong tasty drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe, had some fun shopping at the Bayshore Mall and Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville before venturing to a few lagoons to check out the various, exotic tropical fish swimming in the waters.

Check these out these photos of The Grand Caymans

Various memorabilia donated by rock artists to the Hard Rock Cafe and the main bar with all the drum cymbals

Other scenes of Georgetown, including Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville

The Stingray Fountain, in front of Bayshore Mall

We found this sign, detailing a bit of history of a pirate, sitting just outside Margaritaville. Had to take a picture of this. Heh heh.

Before going back to our ship, we stopped off at the Green Parrot for a couple of stiff drinks. We had to drown the sorrow of leaving the Caymans somehow. Heh heh. We really had such a great time time in Georgetown, we didn't want to leave. We found out that despite the lack of any excursions planned for this island, our casual exploration of it made for a relaxing, enjoyable day.

Caribbean Adventure: Enjoying The Beach In The Bahamas

The second day into our cruise was a huge improvement over the first.

I was excited about porting in Cococay, Bahamas, the Royal Caribbean's privately owned island. This was one of the locations that was on our original itinerary and ship's route. The captain announced early that morning, in so many words, that we would be able to go to that planned destination and still escape the clutches of Hurricane Earl.

Darn it. I wanted to experience what it would be like to have a ship of 3, 634 people capsize in the ocean. What fun!

The captain further explained through notifications on our TV and over loudspeakers that we would be travelling to other islands in the Western Caribbean, in order to avoid the category 4 hurricane. Instead of going to St. Thomas and St. Maarten, we would be going to the Grand Cayman Islands and Cozumel, Mexico.

Thankfully, we were quickly reimbursed, monetarily, for the excursions we had planned and paid for on St. Thomas and St. Maarten. Otherwise, I would have been plenty pissed.

When we got to Cococay, Bahamas, I took several pictures of the beach at Cococay, Bahamas. I couldn't resist. The beach and the blue-green waters were beautiful. I wish I was there right now, really.

At the beginning, we did our preplanned excursions on Cococay, which included going down a 40 foot water slide and using the floating beach mats. The 40 foot high water slide was a little fun for me. Not so much for the wife. Because of the lack of water going down the slide and the fact that she was the first one to try it out, she only made it halfway down. She, I and others would probably had made it down the full length of the slide if they didn't have just one dude at the top of the slide, using a low-pressure garden hose, for the water supply.

It was kind of pathetic.

But the rest of the time, we had a lot of fun, meeting new people from around the world and just relaxing on the beach. There were moments I had of pure unadulterated peace. Finally.

We allowed the waves to splash over our bodies, enjoyed the soft sand and became one with the ocean. It all seemed very surreal, as if we had just been dropped into the middle of paradise. The sun, which came out every so often from out of the clouds, warmed our skin and encouraged everyone to enjoy the multitude of activities you could engage in, such as para-sailing and riding jet skis. In the distance, we witnessed a storm likely fueled by the hurricane but the overwhelming serenity and beauty of the Bahamas swept any fears we had away.

Hours later, we came back to our ship, ate at the Johnny Rockets restaurant and walked along the Promenade. Then, while my wife wasn't looking, I, being the sneaky bastard I am, secretly booked a couples massage for us at the spa. This turned out to be a very happy surprise for her. She has always wanted to enjoy a professional massage.

As we lay on the tables, beside each other, two petite Japanese women did all manner of wonderful things to our bodies. No, you assuming pervert, they did not perform fellatio on me or stroke my meat kabob! That would have been nice, though. And it could have happened, pretty easily, since they put warm, moist towels over our eyes before they began. My wife wouldn't have known unless I groaned out loud. Hell, I'm getting a woody just thinking about it.

Instead, the knowledgeable masseuses used warm scented oils all over our bodies and squeezed and rubbed until we were so relaxed, we nearly feel asleep. They were experts and they used every trick in their book to relieve any tensions we might had had earlier. It was the perfect way to end our pleasurable day.

We were really beginning to enjoy our adventure.