QUALITY QUOTES FOR THE QURIOUS FOLK

I have a grip on reality--just not this particular one.

Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the straps

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Fun is taking you to the edge of insanity, then pushing.

«Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.»- Mariah Carey, pop singer

From our brilliant leader, George Bush Jr.-

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

"I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country." —Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004

“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”—George W. Bush, interview with CBS News’ Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

“That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”

"I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a 'deserter.' What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants." —Filmmaker Michael Moore

Wisdom from the mouth of Homer Simpson-

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Homer no function beer well without.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Surviving Christmas Hell

Mmmm....
Christmas is not quite over for me. I've been to three different houses, so far. A few more visits to a couple more "divided" family subgroups are on the agenda. By "divided" I mean those members that don't get along with the one main group that they belong to. Confused? So am I by it all. It would take to long to explain here, however.

Anyway, the visits I've had thus far have been pleasant. No dramatic bickering, outbursts or pointless hostility. Just the exchange of good conversation, humorous observations and good old gift giving. Unfortunately, since times were tough for us this end of the year, we couldn't buy gifts for everyone, as tradition dictates. Instead, we baked brownies, muffins and cakes for everybody. A first for us, as far as gift giving goes. And when I say "we", I actually mean my wife.

According to what my trustworthy tv says, the whole point of Christmas is to be a good consumer and BUY, SPEND and WASTE for good old AMERICA, INC. Hooray, indeed.

Another dark side to Christmas would be the constant rushing around you have to do to prepare for it. Putting up the tree. Getting/stringing up decorations. Running from store to store purchasing stuff for whoever. Mowing down the little old grandmama trying to make her way across the mall parking lot.

Sniff. Sniff. Imagine the tear rolling down my cheek.

Then, of course, there's a big majority of the population that has to work longer hours around Christmas Hell. My wife works at WallyWorld, for example. She could tell you wonderful horror stories concerning the customers that come through her line. More than a few times has a customer been pissed about something she has no control over. She has been called a bitch and/or has had store items thrown at her. She, unfortunately, has to remain respectful. I, however, do not have the patience. I would gleefully ram said item(s) up their disrespecting sphincters until eyes bulged and bleeding commenced.

I have great admiration for how she has to deal with people.

People suck. Is that a newsflash for ya?

But getting back to the good stuff about the holidays. Christmas is good when you see family members that you like and don't mind talking to. Christmas is fine when you see your kids' faces express honest excitement and gratitude for the thing you've bought them. I don't have kids for this but I think that's how it would play out. Christmas is dandy, especially, when it's all over with and you're killin' those needless brain cells with much drink and then some on New Year's Eve while urinating on the head of a plastic lawn Santa.

That's all I got. What say you?

George Carlin On The Real American Dream