Auditions For The Circus

Created by Oscar The Disturbed, Chloe The Nympho and MasterHeathen

The circus tent was noisy inside with hopeful artists talking to each other and practicing their acts. Sitting at a large wooden desk on the furthest right hand side were two men, murmuring to each other, serious in their appearance. The owner of the circus was a large man with dark brown eyes with just a hint of red surrounding the pupils. The look of his face conveyed a wisdom about him. His name was Byron Asmodeus and he had owned Asmodeus' Astounding Circus for 20 odd years. His ringmaster, Gregorio, worked hard as a manager for the circus.

For the last hour, they had seen and judged two sets of performers and neither group made the cut.

Gregorio stared straight ahead and to Asmodeus, he announced the next group of artists to audition. "Next, we have The Blutarsky Brothers."

Asmodeus cleared his throat and asked, "What do they do?

Ringmaster Gregorio replied, "They are a family of midget clowns."

"I see," said Asmodeus, as he leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands together.

A little old woman, her face white and red with make up, was leading her little tribe of offspring up to the stage in front of their potential employer's desk. She had a grizzled look about her and the make up on her face could not hide the fact that she was well into her sixties. The mother of 7 children, who were between the ages of thirty to forty, tilted her head as she spoke.

"I am the mother of these seven clown midgets. We came to America from Russia, home of Vodka. All my children suffer from hydrocephalus and Down syndrome. They also have trouble with their feet from wearing the big clown shoes and as a result, they walk funny."

Asmodeus and Gregorio looked at all seven and noticed they were kind of wobbling back and forth, shifting uneasily from one foot to another.

The mother, Isa, continued, "They have the fungus grow under their toenails. Only Lamisil helps to keep their toenails on."

Asmodeus and Gregorio exchanged glances of bewilderment before the mother of the clown midgets added, "The father of these boys has passed on. If he were here today, he would show you his magnificent ability to shoot miniature bullets out of his fully erect penis."

The two men, glanced at each other and then looked at the mother, giving Isa the impression that they were impressed by this.

Isa said, "First, I will show you what my talent is and then each of my boys will show you what they can do for you."

Asmodeus said, "Whenever you're ready... begin."

The little old midget turned around, dropped her tiny pants, bent over, touched her toes and shot a steady stream of butt gravy across the stage. Quickly turning around, the mother of 7, briskly rubbed her chubby little thighs together and with the power of her vaginal muscles, sparks began to fly from her coochie until a eerie ball of fire erupted from her ancient pussy.

Amazed and impressed, Gregorio and Asmodeus applauded Isa's talent.

After her fire died out, Isa said, "This was how I killed the father of my boys. One night, after he beat me and called me names, I lay on top of the horrible man while his penis was soft. I acted like I was hot with sex for him. My husband was fooled by this. Then I make powerful sparks with my vagina and ignite a fire upon his penis as I wrap my short strong arms around him, not letting the bastard free himself. By the time I was done with him, he was like a burnt hog, crispy black and flesh falling from him."

Without pausing, Isa introduced one of her sons, "This is Nikolai. He lived with his uncle in Budapest for a year to learn all he could from him. My son, Nikolai, is the only clown who can juggle a chainsaw, bowling ball and box of condoms in the all of Russia, maybe in the entire world.

Nikolai took a spot in the middle of the stage, juggled the chainsaw, bowling ball and box of condoms without dropping any of the items. Asmodeus, nodded his head, impressed.

Isa introduced her next son, "This is Vladamir. He drives the clown car. He got his license in clown car driving by driving Smart cars for Mercedes Benz and being crash test dummy for them."

Vladamir demonstrated how well he drove the clown car and got out of it hurriedly, to waddle back up on the stage. The ringmaster clapped his hands and said, "You have great skill." Vladamir smiled, was obviously bashful, his face crinkling beneath the white make up. Vladamir suddenly celebrated being complimented by pulling his pants down and scratching his taint.

Isa, full of pride, introduced her next son, "And this is Ivan. He has taught his dog, Spot, how to ride on the back of his pony, Speck, for the Dog & Pony show."

Ivan had the pony and dog do the trick at his command. Asmodeus nodded approvingly and then said, "Very good. Next."

The mother of her offspring of clown midgets said, "This is Dragoff."

The two judges gave the little man a curious look.

Isa continued, "Dragoff was born with a permanent smile. A birth defect, as you Americans call it. He was diagnosed at the age of two. My son, Dragoff, because of this defect, does not require much clown make up. Before this audition, for you gentleman, he spent many years in midget tossing competitions."

Asmodeus put a hand up, pausing the old woman for a moment. The circus owner said, "And what talent can he demonstrate for us, today?"

Without missing a beat, Dragoff did a series of backward flips on the stage until landing in a barrel of thumbtacks and needles. He remained, motionless in the barrel, enduring what would be a painful experience for most people and kept his smile. Then Ivan came out, ran toward Dragoff and, suddenly, with a wooden chair, crashed it down on Dragoff's head. Splinters and wood fragments flew out in every direction. Dragoff smiled. Ivan shouted, "Ta Da!"

Asmodeus and Gregorio laughed, clapped and then, in unison, said, "Bravo."

After the stage was cleared, Isa said, "The next son performing for you handsome men is my eldest. His name is Jeepo. Jeepo has had an aneurysm that has affected what you may call his mo-mo-mo... motor skills."

Jeepo weeble wobbled his way onto the stage. To keep his balance, the stumpy clown flung his arms wildly, looking like a human pinwheel. This act gave the illusion of an abstract dance that had amused many crowds in the past. Soon, the midget clown's arms were all a blur. It was hypnotical. When he could no longer move his arms from the tiresome flailing, Jeepo spun around and dove off the stage, landing head first into the heavy desk, making a squishy sound with the softest part of his bulbous head.

Asmodeus and Ringmaster Gregorio abruptly stood up and gave Jeepo a standing ovation.

Isa, happy with the two men's reaction, introduced her next offspring.

"This is Luscious. Before she had, what you call "sex change operation", though it was not much an operation because my son, Ivan, is so handy with the knife. Her name was Chekov and she was a he. Before coming to perform for you today, Luscious worked at a tampon factory. Her job was quality control."

Without being prompted, Luscious, in her tiny tights, began doing a series of back flips, spins and twirls until finally ending her stunt by jumping straight up into the air and coming down onto the stage, doing the splits. Hurriedly, she got up, pulled down her tights and exposed her bald beaver. There was a tattoo of a snake on her cunt lip. The tongue of the snake hovered just above her clit. Like her mother, she, too, rubbed her thighs together until working her new vagina muscles up enough to produce sparks from her cunt. Soon flames flickered and all of Isa's sons came over and roasted marshmallows over her fiery pussy.

She, too, was given a standing ovation by the two delighted men behind the desk.

Isa waved Luscious off the stage and introduced her last son. A cross-eyed midget teetered from side and side, gradually making his way onto the stage. Asmodeus and Gregorio sat back down.

"My son, Trotsky."

Trotsky had troubles with his lungs because he was a heavy smoker. Pulling out deflated balloons from the pockets of his clown pants, Trotsky coughed and gagged before filling each long, slender balloon to it's fullest capacity. Without haste, Trotsky quickly formed the balloons into the shape of a male organ and a female organ. Luscious came back on stage and took the phallic balloon and slid it into her little midget slit. Shifting her thighs rigorously together, she created sparks and popped the penis shaped balloon with ease.

Ivan suddenly made another entrance onto the stage and bashed both of their heads in with a toaster. As his siblings fell to the floor, bleeding profusely, Ivan shouted, "Ta-Da!"

Asmodeus stood up and said, "All of you are hired. I welcome you, as my working performing artists to Asmodeus' Astounding Circus."

In unison, Isa and all the rest of her midget clown family cheered and whooped. Trotsky coughed up blood and smiled. It was a great day for The Blutarsky Brothers.

Mr. Checkers Informs The Public

With as much delight as I can possibly muster, I, Mr. Checkers, reporting the latest news on behalf of Internet sensation, PSYCHO CARNIVAL, am here to inform the public of news and information that really matters a great deal. Hold onto your hats, folks, it's going to be an awfully exciting ride.

* The meat found in food items at Taco Bell restaurants may not be entirely made of ground beef. Astonished, say you? Gosh. Who would have thought? If this seems shocking to you, wait until you read the next tidbit of news. Are you still waiting? Well, stop it and move along, please.

* Cigarettes should not be smoked. They are made of tobacco and poison. Instead, use these cancer sticks as decorative birthday candle casings or tools for magic tricks. Click this link to learn more non-hazardous usages for cigarettes and amaze your friends.

* Hot dogs should not be used for pleasuring your vagina or butt hole. Accidents may occur.Danger, Will Robinson!

* Not long ago, a 93 year old gangster by the name of John "Sonny" Franzese, was sent to prison for eight years. Mr. Checkers has heard of a lot of dumb shit in his time, but this takes the cake and the frosting, too. Why not execute "Sonny" right now? He's not going to live much longer, anyway and it will save the taxpayers a little money by depriving him room and board, courtesy of the rest of us. I say we send the old fucker on his non stop, well-earned journey to hell. Judging by his horrendous crimes, he's had reservations for a seat in the eternal inferno for quite some time.

* I, Mr. Checkers, wants all of you to know that the Great Mystery of The Burned Up Piano On A Sandbar has finally been solved. What a relief! So many have wondered about this amazing, phenomenal event- that it almost made the equally exciting news about Snooki seem tame and not very newsworthy and stuff. It just so happens that a teenager, with obviously a lot of time on his hands, put the fucked up piano on a Miami sandbar because he hoped it might get him into a prestigious art school. It might even get him laid by a smitten admirer of his "artistic" handiwork. Who knows? In any case, Mr. Checkers says, "Good job, dumb ass!"

* Speaking of getting laid... Mr. Checkers is proud to report that he is a member of a species that apparently believes that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster and get down to business. According to this tantalizing, important news item from Reuters, in the heat of passion, some people just can't get enough of their digital devices. As a matter of fact, Mr. Checkers predicts that manufacturers will soon be equipping their i Pads, cell phones and other electronic thingamajigs with small, yet convenient, pocket pussies and Venus Butterflies for those who are unable to find a love connection by "dickering around" with their ordinary beloved electronic doodads. This type of ingenious thinking has already started to take place, in fact. See here!

This is all that I, Mr. Checkers, has for you now, in regards to news worth knowing about. Tune in next time for more excitement you can't live without and stuff you'll lose sleep over. For more news and information on the downward spiral and insanity our human race celebrates and enjoys, just look around or watch TV or go out in public. The PSYCHO CARNIVAL of life is out there and in here for you to partake, revel in and completely lose what's left of your mind.

Arrivederci!

Tag, Bag and Interrogate

Blog pal, Gary, from Klahanie, recently tagged me for a survey. I guess some bloggers would be slightly perturbed by the tagging thing but I'm not. For one, I've had writer's block for awhile now and this gives me the opportunity to write about something. And two, this survey gives me the chance to express my delightful opinions and write about my favorite subject... ME!

God, who can't get enough of sweet, wonderful ME? I'm the darling of the blogging world or something, after all.

Immediately following this question and answer fest, I have "tagged" four other unsuspecting bloggers who will surely thank me and send me gifts that may give off peculiar aromas and stuff. Like Gary, I also have thoughtfully included the 19 survey questions, separately from my given answers, so these lucky bloggers can just cut and paste them onto their own blogs. How convenient! Gosh, I'm better than swell! Anyways, here ya go...

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

I see my cat, Victor, as an animal and a member of the family, as opposed to seeing him as a furry four legged tea kettle and a member of the United Square Dancers of America organization. Out of all the cats I've had in my 47 years on this rock, and I've had quite a few, I think I regard Victor as a close member of the family because my Mom named him (and really liked him) only months before she passed away. After she died, Victor gave me a lot of comfort just by snuggling up to me or lying on my lap when I was suffering through my deepest depression moments. It seemed to me that he sensed these feelings and still does.

With that said, though, the little bastard will still cross my path in the morning, shortly after getting out of bed, causing me to trip, fall and almost crack my head on the toilet as I attempt to take my morning piss. (More on this important information later)

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

That people would wise up and realize that we're destroying the environment, take real action to find and implement the use of alternative clean sources of energy and stand up for the truth of what's wrong in our society instead of cowering behind excuses to not "make waves" and help resolve the critical issues we face today. I'm not sure you could call that a "dream", however. I would say it's more like a fantasy. Like something akin to a fairy tale involving unicorns being ridden by cross-eyed leprechauns or suddenly seeing a politician do something that wasn't self serving.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Oh shit! I'm only allowed to pick just one? I can't make a list? Well, that doesn't seem fair, so, of course, I'm must break the rules. To name just a few things I hate most, I'll go with:

*Conformity

*Greed

*Racism

*Destruction of the environment

*Sexism

*War

*Lies that do real damage

*Wave after wave of snowstorms

*Stealing

*Texting

*Bullies

*Close mindedness

*The continuous, uninterrupted screeching of undisciplined children

*People who talk about the same old boring things, knowing that they're boring the shit out of you and yet they still keep talking. There was a time I put up with this behaviour. Now, I make up an obvious lame excuse to leave their company or hang up on them. My time is too valuable. If you feel you have to talk that much about nothing, go talk to a wall.

*People who have too many children, without regarding the consequences

*And people who try too hard to give their offspring cutesy, clever and slightly differently spelled popular names in order to give the insinuation that their little rug rats are unique just because of the cutesy and clever name they have bestowed upon them.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Honestly, I would keep a sizable portion of it for my wife and I and hide a lot of it away. I might go on a trip around the world and buy a new car. I'm not much into owning material things but there are some things we really need. I would also donate a good chunk of it toward finding a real solution to our fossil fuel dependency problem and give the rest to charities. I'm neither a saint or a greedy asshole.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Watching comedy shows like Family Guy, Tosh.O and more. Truly interesting science, documentary or history shows will distract me enough to pull me out of a bad funk. Of course, blogging helps take me out of a bad mood, too. Interacting with friends. Reading an interesting or funny website, book or magazine. Being out in nature gives me peace of mind. Taking pictures. Listening to music. Masturbating furiously to the sounds of raindrops on a tin roof. (Just kidding on the last one). It's actually the sound of an ambulance siren that does it for me.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

I'm not sure how to interpret "more blessed" in this question. I think it's like when you give someone a gift or help someone out. You get something back, regardless if you get a gesture of gratitude or not, in return. It makes you feel great, or, at least it should. Loving someone is like this but on a higher level. With that said, though, I think feeling that you are truly loved by the one you love is even more remarkable, if you want to make comparisons.

7. What is your bedtime routine?

This is funny because I sort of went over this in a post not long ago. To start with, I'll take my medication. Eat a little food. Give myself an insulin shot. Pack my wife's lunch that she takes to work in the morning. Make one last trip to the shitter to pee or make poopie. Head to the bedroom. Strip completely naked. (are you becoming aroused?) Then slide beneath the sheets. Turn over, stomach side down. Then sleep, snore and fart while my wife does the same. Strangely enough, the cat likes to jump on the bed and sleep right between our asses in the middle of the night. So far, he hasn't passed out or died.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I informally met my wife of 21 years while I was up in a tree with my cousin and sister, giggling and making bizarre animal noises and so forth. Before I go on, I want to point out we weren't having a family orgy or anything like it. We save that for Easter Sunday. Lol. But, I digress. I was 19 or 20 years old at the time. We had climbed up into the tree earlier, talking and making jokes. Not long afterwards, a frozen foods delivery guy pulls up into my parents driveway to either make a delivery or take an order. Hidden behind all the tree limbs and leaves we decide to prank him by making all types of strange noises. Meanwhile, the guy is looking all around the front yard and the rest of the neighborhood, wondering where the hell the sounds are coming from and what the hell is making them. About that time, my future wife is taking a stroll with her mother down the street that's close by to the tree we're sitting in. I can hear her asking her mom, "What is that?" We all laugh and quickly become quiet when they direct their eyes toward the tree. They slow down, shake their heads and continue heading down the street but before they get too far from earshot, I shout, "Helloooooo!".

I'm sure she and her mother thought we were a bunch of morons or nut jobs. And it's true, we were. Our family definitely has a strange sense of humor. I formally met my wife years later where I worked. Not long after that, we began dating. Somewhere during the dating period, I impressed the heck out of her with the tree story.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

Right now, I would like to watch the band, Them Crooked Vultures, create music in the studio for another CD.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

An easier question to ask would be, What types of books don't you read? I read almost every genre out there. Science fiction or fact, humor, philosophy, mystery, trivia and more. I made a short list of books I've read in the middle column of this blog. Take a look at the list and you'll get an idea of what types of books I read. I own a small library's worth of books. My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut. Sadly, he's gone from this world but his words will forever stay true, profound and meaningful. His words are his greatest legacy. Vonnegut said a lot with what people would perhaps call "a sardonic sense of humor". He and a few unique others have inspired me in my viewpoints and writing throughout my life.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

I would like to move out of this area and somewhere it stays warm all year round. Beyond that, I can't say how I see myself in even one year's time. These days, my life seems to be pushed and shoved in directions dictated by the forces of family obligations and aggravations. If any of these worries were to be resolved or decreased, I would be better equipped to focus solely on my life with my wife.

12. What’s your fear?

My wife, dying before me. Cheery, aren't I? Other than that, I don't fear a whole lot anymore. I've been numbed, to a large degree, by outrageous things that have happened in the past.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

Yes, I would give up all junk food to go into space. Seeing the Earth, the Moon, the stars and everything else out there would be the ultimate experience of a lifetime. Not only would I give up countless cans of peanuts but I'd give my right bulbous nut up for the chance. Yes, sir.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

I look at rich, yet single people with a certain pity. Especially the ones that just endlessly have one fling after another. It would be fun for awhile, but God, what a void to have in your life!

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Ahh, I'm so glad we got around to this one. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I attempt to get out of the bed, with only slant consciousness, to make my stumbling way toward the bathroom without being tripped by my loving cat. After taking (or leaving, rather) a shit, I make myself a pot of coffee, eat, drink, watch the morning news, become agitated by what I see, slowly begin to regain consciousness and come in here to play, seek and blog on the ol' computer. Approximately a half hour to an hour, after this routine, will pass before I completely wake up. Speaking to me before this time would be a severe risk to your life and happiness.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

It's been said that my wife talks a lot. That's an understatement. She never stops talking. Hope she never reads this! My wife will stop in public and talk to a perfect stranger for a lengthy period of time about anything and everything. She's very people-friendly. I, on the other hand, have been told that I'm relatively quiet, unless there's something I feel that's important or humorous enough to talk about. In comparison to her and likely a lot of people, I'm an anti-social bastard. And that's true, to a certain degree. One thing I could change about her? Maybe to talk a little less. At least to people she doesn't know while we're trying to get from one place to another. One thing she would change about me? That I would talk a little more. Don't get me wrong! I'm open, not shy in the least... just not "talky". I really have to force myself to talk at social gatherings. And yes, I know I would terribly miss "her constant chatter" if she were gone from my life. In conclusion, we complete each other and more importantly, love each other, despite these minor irritations.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I actually do have another name. MasterHeathen. Say the name, slowly, three times as the sun begins it's decent on the horizon and I will suddenly appear behind you, smiling and with a big sharp knife in my hand. Tee hee. When you turn around, I will cut a delightfully pungent fart and stab you in the eye. Hell, at least we'll have something to talk about. Or we could just go the other way and get nicely wasted. I'm easy.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

Honestly, I would forgive in that situation, if asked to, but I would never forget. If, for some reason, you are able to forget a horrible thing that someone special has done to you, you either have the self esteem of an antelope turd or you're in the second or third stages of Alzheimer's disease. There's a world of difference between forgiving and forgetting and forgetting may not be safe or wise for your future welfare in regards to interacting with that "special someone".

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Pizza. You can put pretty much anything you want on a pizza, so you have the food variety thing going on there. Chicken. Pineapple. Bacon. Veggies. And whatever else that "tickles your fancy". That expression sounds so obscene. Pizza is the ultimate variety food.

Here's the survey questions:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
7. What is your bedtime routine?
8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
10. What kinds of books do you read?
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
12. What’s your fear?
13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

These are the 4 lucky bloggers that I have tagged for this survey... drum roll, please...

LilPixi from It's A Lollipop World

The Wolf from The S.N.A.F.U. Report

Rebecca from The Snee

Greg from The De-evolution of Man

As always in these "taggings", none of the mentioned bloggers should feel pressured to participate in the survey. If you do participate, feel free to answer any way you want and pass the survey along to 4 other bloggers. This is just my way of annoying the shit out of some of my blogging buddies. Hell, somebody has to do it. :)

Fun Houses

When I was a little kid, I'd go to the town fair and they would always have either a really crazy looking fun house or a terrifying one. The first time I entered inside a fun house, I got trapped in this tumbler kind of thing that spun you up and over, round and round (like a clothes dryer) until you received a concussion or fractured elbow. Loads of fun. This was back in the late 60's and early 70's where they didn't give much thought to safety issues. Then there would be the claustrophobic mirror rooms to contend with. I'd walk into mirrors, almost in tears, trying to get the fuck out. I almost had a seizure from the panic attacks endured, trapped in those rooms. Luckily, I wasn't scarred for life having been exposed to that shit. Just a few years.

On the subject of fun houses, this seems to be the kind of house that would be fun to live in.

What's that nursery rhyme about the old woman that lived in an over sized shoe, had so many children, she didn't know quite what to do-- so she let the government foot the bill, keeping the rugrats fed, schooled and clothed while her vagina steadily grew to the size of a fun house?

Yeah, you know the one. I think she lived here, in the fun house pictured below. After awhile, the woman, a human vending machine, didn't bother going through labor or pushing down hard to get the bloody little bundle of joy out of her ever-widening gaping clam. She needn't try. Often times, she'd bend over to pick up a lit cigarette that fell out of her blubbery mouth or a dropped, halfway drunken can of beer and the lil' cutie would just kind of plop out onto the roach-infested floor.

The old woman (who just looked old because she was a meth addict) wouldn't know she had given birth until she stumbled back and tripped over the infant, causing it to cry out, cursing it's very existence into this world and the fact that it's mother was a drug addled whore with festering sores covering 80% of her body. Luckily, the kid rolled out of the way, onto a bed of dead rats, before it could be crushed by the stinking behemoth.

Later, the darling little baby couldn't tell whether it was sucking on a nipple, during breast feeding or a pus-filled skin ulcer that reminded one of a strange, nightmarish teat.

Otherwise, it was a nice house. Friendly neighborhood, too.

The next pic isn't so much of a house as it is a photo of a building. But it would make a nice house. Sure, it's been through a couple earthquakes, but hey, no house is perfect.

This next one is a bounce house. They call these things fun houses, too. People buy and rent these "civil lawsuits in the making" for their kids' parties. It's supposed to keep the kids occupied. They jump all around in these big inflatable enclosed rooms, cracking their heads and bones together, causing each other to scream and cry and have all kinds of related fun.

All I see, when I look at one of these things, is the end result. Someone always manages to get hurt and bloodied. Yes, indeed, nothing says "party time", more adequately, than one of these plastic, injury-causing monstrosities. Good luck with one of these fuckers at your next kiddiefest!

At least this next "fun house" has a sense of humor. Sure, the neighborhood kids, your offspring and their rabble of pals will sustain multiple broken bones, chipped teeth and contusions, but at least they'll be able to come tumbling out of a rabbit's asshole, eventually. Gotta look on the bright side!

This next shot is for an establishment that is a kind of "fun house" for grown ups. This fun house is a bar and grill in my general area. I've wanted to take a picture of this sign forever, but didn't do it until a month ago. "Hummers" is a really nice name for a bar, isn't it? Big red lips, right there on the sign for the place. Great piece of advertising, that is. A place you can go, get sloshed and meet that special someone.

Someone that's just perfect for giving you a hummer, hence the name.

After getting your hummer for the night, why not make a stop at this next fun house. At this fun house, you can eat all the doughnuts you desire, while the doughnuts busily soak up all the alcohol in your belly. Afterwards, if you haven't thrown up all the doughnuts in the toilet bowl in the back room, you may decide to make a return visit to Hummers and do it all over again.

And wouldn't that be fun?

What Is Considered Newsworthy

I gotta be honest. I've been so bogged down with family problems, I haven't felt much like blogging or going on the Internet. Of course, I have to check my family/friends email account for the latest drama. Wedged in between that sort of stuff are the inane forwards I get. A few are funny. Most are shit I can't delete quick enough. You know the type.

Prayers

Cutesy pics of puppies and kitties

Lame jokes

Chain mails

Stories that are supposedly inspirational

When I do get on the net, I'm usually looking for things worth looking at and that serve as a temporary distraction from my insane reality. The temporary distractions have to qualify as something substantial, however. And by substantial, I mean it has to offer either real humor, newsworthy stories or solid entertainment. And by solid entertainment, I don't mean something like a goofy, obviously scripted Reality TV show where a thing called a Snooki has a nonsensical argument with another sub human thing that appears as if it has dipped it's face in a large vat of make up.

If (un)Reality TV shows aren't one of the signs of the End Times for the human race, I'll be surprised. These morons and anyone stupid enough to watch this shit should be deleted, as well.

What I still find amusing, annoying, sad and mind boggling is what passes as news these days.

I was checking out this website and it has given out, what they believe, are guidelines to what makes a story newsworthy. I don't agree with a few of these supposed factors that makes news worthy of conveying to the masses. For example:

Prominence

Where they say that famous people should get more coverage just because they're famous. For an example, they gave the possible scenario where the Queen of England breaks her arm. That's news- to them. Not to me. I don't care what celebrity, politician or Oompa Loompa breaks their dick or ruptures a spleen. That's a private medical matter that's boring to me, personally. That bit of news I heard the other day about the Queen throwing a hissy fit over Prince William not consulting with her over his wedding details was an example of stupidity for many reasons. For one, that's a personal family thing that the media didn't need to say anything about. And two, Prince William should have told her that it's his and his fiancee's wedding and the Queen should go act like she's important somewhere else. I might also add that he should tell the bitter old nosy bitch to shove her asinine complaints way up her royal hoo hoo.

Suck on that, Grandmummy!

Timing or state of currency, according to the same website's authors is a big factor, too, as far as something being newsworthy. For me, that isn't as crucial as the content. Something substantial that happened a month ago may be something I haven't heard about yet- and want to know about. And certainly, when you're watching Network TV news, half of the time you're not watching anything substantial, anyway. More often than not, you'll receive a deluge of information about the antics of a celebrity (like Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan) and how they've gotten drunk, coked up, got naked on a merry-go-round and had sex with three albino midgets earlier that day. Or something like that. Who cares? That's on them. I don't care how many times they've gone through rehab. That's their personal business.

I know celebrity bullshit "news" is manna from heaven for the ignorant, but goddamn, does it have to be everywhere all the time? Give me a break! By the way, for all you folks living in Great Britain, that's America's sorry excuse for royalty-Celebrities. At least for some retards.

Bottom line: I'd rather hear, read or see significant news at the expense of up to the minute current news that is actually insignificant.

The Following Is Also Not News:

*Politicians bickering with other politicians in an endless stalemate of interests and agendas.

*Reports of doctors saying that eating too much of this or that is unhealthy and then contradicting themselves three months later to say eating this or that is okay again.

*Who, exactly, won the big million dollar lottery. I'm sure the person winning that lottery really wants their name announced so everyone can badger them for money.

*The latest electronic gadget

*High school sports game scores

*Anything having to do with Facebook, especially the nerdy boy Facebook creator, Mark Fuckburger (or whatever his name is). It's hard to believe they made Fuckburger "Person of The Year" in some popular U.S. magazine. Has he even gone through puberty yet?

*Biased opinions

*And more I can't think of at the moment because the coffee buzz is starting to wear off.

Like I've mentioned once before on this blog, Network TV news is (at least here in the U.S.) usually motivated by cross sector partnerships of big corporations, politicians with self serving agendas and self interest groups. You're only allowed to see what they want you to see. I'm not a conspiracy freak. You just have to do a bit of research to see who's owned by whom or who's being manipulated by whom. Reporters are paid their salaries to not say certain things against their employers/corporations. When you compare some of the more truthful and revealing news sources you can find on the Internet to the news you see on TV, those Internet news sources are more often accurate or dead on accurate. Not always, but the ones I check out are usually reliable.

The Following Subjects Are News:

*The deaths and strife of a mass of people (e.g. Haiti earthquake of last year, Flooding in Australia, The recession and unemployment issues, Wars). When major news corporations report about events such as this, they will usually stop reporting about it when the "next big news item" comes along, long before the strife or devastation has ended for the suffering populace in the region affected.

*REAL technological, scientific, medical breakthroughs that greatly improve or save people's lives.

*Climate change, environmental pollution.

*Positive solutions toward getting away from our dependency on coal and fossil fuels.

*Everyday people saving others' lives.

*And more I can't think of because the coffee buzz has completely worn off now.

But I think you get the picture, or at the very least, my point of view of what is truly newsworthy and what the media, in all it's varied forms, considers news. Your perspective may be different and I respect that. What I won't respect or tolerate is an organization or media outlet that is so completely biased that they will report something that is misleading or a total falsehood. And yeah, I know certain news is reported for reasons of ratings and/or greed- but that doesn't mean it's right and should be accepted.

When will people learn?

To Do Notes For Today

Two Freaks- Caption This!

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Escaping Through Movies and Other Means

By whatever means necessary, people going through some personal hell should be able to take a break from it and escape for awhile, as long as it doesn't knowingly make the personal hell worse. It's not avoiding the problems in your life. It's just taking a break. Let me be perfectly clear for those who confuse the two. I'm all for this idea, since I'm going through my own hell right now and I'm trying to tip toe through the land-mines of things that could complicate this period of life further.

Seeing movies is a great way to escape from times of stress and pain and -good golly- I've been trying to catch one here and there any time I've had the chance the last couple weeks. Whether you just lost your job, have family members giving you grief or you're just sick and fucking tired of all the negative news and stupidity and cruelty of society, I'm a firm believer in escaping for awhile.

Here's what works for me:

Seeing a movie. It's quick and mostly effortless. Make sure the flick is either funny, action-packed, interesting or any and all of the above. Do not see a movie that you suspect will bring your sorry ass down further into the abyss like a "weeper". A "Terms of Endearment" type of movie. Watch a "weeper" when you're strong enough or want to feel like complete shit. For some fuckers, that's their thing- to have a good cry. In my mind, these are folks who are not experiencing enough pain and suffering in the real world. With that said, let me introduce you to my friend, Mr. Baseball Bat. Stop by my humble abode and I will gladly give you your money's worth of suffering by caving your skull inward with one of my favorite instruments of pain- the baseball bat. If you like, I'll even explain to you what all of your personal flaws are, to encourage sadness within you, while you desperately attempt to suck in your last dying breaths. Hell, I won't even charge you the price of a movie matinée. How's that for a bargain?

Reading a book. I know some of you younger folks probably don't know what a book is since computers and electronic gadgets have become so popular in the last couple of decades, but books are wonderful things. A good example of a book can be found at the top left corner of this post. See if you can find it! Oooh. Ahhh.

Let your eyes feast upon the written word of a book and let your mind travel to different realms and/or engage in imaginative experiences. Make sure the book is in the same type category as the movie I prescribed above. No weepers, please, or I'll have to bring out Mr. Baseball Bat to have a word with you. Again, no charge. I'm doing the lord's work here and it is always a pleasure to help out.

Best of all, with books no electricity is needed. If you can point, click, text, twitter, Facebook and all the rest of that shit (and really, it is shit), I'm betting you can turn a goddamn page. I know it's old fashioned to read and turn the page of a real papery paged book but think of it as a challenging game if you must. Books can be found at the library. You do know what a library is, don't you?

Going out amongst nature. Even if you are living in a new ice age type area, like I am and will be for the next century or longer (it will feel that way, anyhow), being amongst the natural surroundings of the great outdoors will help to clear your head many times. If you must, put on four to five layers of clothing on yourself and roll out the back door like an overinflated beach ball. Staying inside your car to avoid frostbite is also a good idea, too. Without your fingers, you can't text and twitter that well, unless you are adept at using your nose or dick on the keyboard.

At the very least, you will likely find peace in nature, provided you are far away from people. Remember, kids... People = Chaos and/or Stress. Avoid people as much as possible unless they, by some miracle, instill feelings of positivity and contentment in you. I've heard of people like this before but I've never had the pleasure of meeting them in real life. I think they may belong to a tribe of mythical creatures. Who knows?

The following are some reviews of escapist type movies I've recently seen:

Tron: Legacy 3D

I liked this movie a lot. Often times, Hollywood will produce 3D movies that are absolute crap and didn't need to be produced in 3D in the first place. For me, this movie lived up to it's hype. The storyline was simple but interesting enough. The acting was great. The special effects were fantastic.

And Olivia Wilde gets naked (just kidding- but wouldn't it be great if she did?).

Jeff Bridges stars in the movie in two separate roles. In one role, he plays a computerized clone of himself that appears to look the same as he did in the first movie when he was younger. In the other role, he is the same guy, human, but 30 years older. He's much wiser and kind of beaten down by being trapped in the world of Tron for so freaking long. When his son comes back for him in the world of Tron, it is a happy, yet a little bit of a bittersweet reunion. While the years have somewhat diminished him, he has gained a lot of wisdom and it shows with both his words and actions. This movie was not exactly what I expected it to be and I'm glad of it. I liked the ending, too.

Little Fockers

This movie, starring Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro and the cast of the first two movies of this franchise was hilarious. Again, Gaylord "Greg" Focker plays the victim and De Niro is his antagonist. This time around, the story is centered on Jack Byrnes (De Niro), after suffering a minor heart attack, going about pressuring Ben Stiller's character to be the main dude to take over being the head of the family if and when De Niro's character bites the big one (dies). There are a lot of funny scenes in this movie, including one where Greg has to stab Jack in or around his old wang because of a prolonged boner as a result of taking too many erectile dysfunction pills.

I also like the scenes of the Early Human School, where Greg Focker and Jack Byrnes believe this school will provide the best education for Greg's kids. Laura Dern's character, Prudence, acts as the headmistress or something like that of this psycho-babble-ly, artsy-fartsy type of learning institution. The things they put these kids and their parents through is entertaining, humorous and disturbing. See the movie to know what I mean!

Though this 3rd installment of the movie franchise isn't as good as Meet The Parents or Meet The Fockers, this flick will give you something to think about and laugh at during the recession burdened times we're living in.

True Grit

A remake of the John Wayne western classic, this movie was good because it was very well acted and genuine in it's depiction in the way people likely talked, dressed and acted in the American Old West. Jeff Bridges stars in this movie, as well. Though I didn't think the last ten minutes of the movie was a satisfying as the original, I still think it was well worth seeing because of the storyline, the authenticity of how things appeared and the way people acted during those days.

Plus, I like the part where an outlaw takes out his big knife and chops off the fingers of this other outlaw who's trying to give Bridges' character some much needed information on the whereabouts of a certain gang of criminals. While the guy is holding up his blood spurting hand and screaming, the same outlaw with the knife shoves the knife blade in his chest right before Bridges' Cogburn character shoots the knife wielder in the head at point blank range.

Funny stuff, really. You'll have to see it for a chuckle.

Outlander

This sci-fi/Viking action movie is one I rented a couple months ago. I liked it so much, I bought it, recently. For some odd reason, this satisfying movie didn't do well at the Box Office in 2008. For me the acting, storyline, special effects and message it conveys is superb. Without giving too much away, it is about a man from a futuristic society who crash lands on Earth during the era of the Vikings. At one point during the movie, he tells of the sorrow of losing his wife and child shortly after helping to massacre a race of beings that prove to be "too much in the way of his people's expansion and progress".

While these moments of truth are sad, they don't control the entire movie with it's "weepiness". This movie has a vital message and is basically the same message that Avatar expresses- which causes me to bring up another point. There were some critics of Avatar that bashed James Cameron because he was rehashing a point of view or message that other movies have made. And that is, is that it is ethically and morally wrong to massacre an entire society simply so another group of people can move in, set up their communities and take control. In my opinion, I don't care how many movies convey this same message. It should be repeated and repeated until when and if we ever finally get it into our heads that it is wrong.

Here's a short clip of Outlander, that takes place shortly after Jim Caviezel's character crash lands on Earth.

Well folks, that's it for this post. I apologize for not being at your websites, lately and commenting but I've been pretty busy with family obligations and woes. In another hour, I have to pick Dad up from the assisted living place to take him to the doctor to have the staples removed from his head. You can read the previous post to learn how he injured himself in case you're interested. Hopefully, he'll keep his outrageous behavior, verbal abuse and negativity down to a tolerable level. The head injury hasn't kept him from his usual asshole antics, unfortunately.

So wish me luck on dealing with him today.

I'll catch up with all of you soon at your sites and in other avenues of communication. I think I'll be getting a short break from my obligations after this day is done. In conclusion, happy escaping, everyone!