Mr. Checkers Tells A Story

Gather round all ye wankers and let ol' Mister Checkers weave you a tale of intrigue and stuff. Shhh! Be still! Be silent! Listen closely, my friends and I shall show you all the magical wonders inside my pants. Rejoice, shall ye!

The great villain, Eye Paddles, had finally enough of the constant squabbling between rival gangs. It was time to show them who was the Boss of Bosses. Yes, thought Eye Paddles, head gangster of Bravo City, I will make them pay for their noises of loudness, impoliteness and stuff!

Later that night, he called upon the Greek God, Poseidon.

Poseidon said he was busy... So Eye Paddles did the next best thing. He called Him the next day. But not until Eye Paddles daily routine of quiet meditation and furious masturbation. Poseidon answered and said, "I'll do your bidding if you return the favor. The favor required Eye paddles to eat a live chicken head.

Eye Paddles went on his knees, sobbed like a pansy and then said, pleadingly, "I will do anything. Just make these idiots listen to me!"

Eye Paddles grabbed the nearest live chicken in the other room and gnawed merrily upon the chicken's head while blood spurted all around the room. Finally, he ate the head off the chicken and began to express his joy by dancing and shouting, "Old McDonald had a farm... Eee-eye, Eee-eye- Oohhhh!"

Poseidon gave him a wink and a nod and up the chimney He rose. Then, at a quarter of two, he wreaked havoc on a family and completely destroyed their house and acres of farmland. None of them had anything to do with the gangs. Poseidon just got bored.

As a result, they died, unhappy. But... At least, as a family, they enjoyed oil paintings!

Eye Paddles was troubled by this latest turn of events and rubbed his chin to show his confusion. Other times, it would be his balls. Just what did Poseidon think He was doing? he wondered.

Eye Paddles consulted the wise old psychic, Ms. Knickel. Ms. Knickel would know the answer. He called. She came over. They smoked a blunt. Then Ms. Knickel looked into her all-seeing, all-knowing mystical camera and saw the image of rival gang member, Baseball Nose.

It seemed Baseball Nose was up to his usual shenanigans again. He found out about Eye Paddles' ingenious scheme to control the rival gang members by employing the great Greek God, Poseidon. Baseball Nose, angry at Eye paddles, called Poseidon up from the ocean waters and gave Him a couple virgins to do something else.

Poseidon agreed to the new deal proposed by Baseball Nose.

What happens next in this story is a mystery for the ages, my friends. A tale shrouded in mysterious mystery, I tell you, wrapped in a lettuce leaf and placed in a sack to be further used as coffee filters. Ooh, I just wish I knew and then I could tell you but I cannot so I won't bother trying.